Chapter 58
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
PHOENIX
I have a lot of groveling to do. I only hope it’s enough to get Kazh to agree to help.
We make it to Kazh’s inn right after sun sets. I don’t want to miss her.
It’s humiliating, what I’m about to do. Yet, I’m determined. I glance around the street. No sounds. Right now, it’s empty. But it won’t be this way for long.
“You can leave me be and go back to Vera’s studio,” I tell Jax.
“I don’t think so,” he says. “It’s not safe.”
I click my tongue. “I don’t need you protecting me. You can leave.”
“Okay,” he says, lightly.
He lets go of my hand, and his presence next to me is gone. I tilt my head, listening to his footsteps as he walks away. The sound disappears rather quickly.
This bastard.
My senses are still all over the place. I’m unable to close them completely. So, of course I can sense him. Right behind me.
“I know you’re still here,” I call over my shoulder.
“Good to know your Decarios abilities are still intact!” Jax calls back.
Fine. If he doesn’t want to leave, I won’t fucking fight him. I don’t have the energy or time for this shit.
With a sigh, I lower myself on my knees right in front of the entrance door. I fold my hands in front of me and lower my chin. The ground is hard under my knees, but I’ve faced harder conditions during my training with Kazh.
I can endure.
I know when the sun rises all the way, because the street blooms. More and more people are passing behind me. Their curiosity lingers on the tip of my tongue. Not being in control of my senses and having everyone’s emotions mingle with mine is extremely uncomfortable.
It’s been over a decade since I was this out of control. Actually, I may have been a toddler.
I have no clue how long I kneel in front of Kazh’s inn before the door finally opens. My hope dies quickly when whoever opened the door doesn’t acknowledge me. Decarios, that much I know. Two pairs of steps. Must be Kazh’s men I met when I stayed with her.
They pause in front of me, and without saying a word, they walk around me.
I continue kneeling. Waiting. Praying that Kazh doesn’t hate me and will forgive me and take me back.
The noise in the street grows louder. I bet it’s late afternoon.
Once in a while, I reach for specific network of emotions in the crowd to see if Jax’s still there.
He is.
I yawn, my joints aching. But I don’t give up. My back is straight, and even though my muscles tremble from the tension, I don’t get up.
Slowly, the noises of a busy street die down around me. Kazh’s men come back and walk past me as if I don’t exist. Thunder rumbles somewhere in the distance. It’s so rare to rain in Ekios. Just my luck.
A faint chuckle echoes at the back of my mind. I blink. What the fuck?
The sensation is familiar. But I can’t pin it down. I wait to see if it happens again. Did I imagine it?
Soon, the wind picks up and whips me with no mercy. When the heavy, cold raindrops start to fall from the sky, I flinch. But I remain rooted in place.
The thunder rumbles, and lighting pierces the sky. The street is empty by now. Everyone is safe in the comfort of their own homes or in entertainment establishments. It’s just me and my misery, trying to weather the storm.
The wind is arctic, and mixed with the cold rain, it makes me shiver uncontrollably.
I refuse to get up and seek shelter. My teeth clatter and the raindrops cling to my eyelashes, stinging my eyes.
I’m grateful for my gloves. At least my hands are warm.
Until the leather gloves get soaked from the heavy rain and the dampness of the leathers against my naked skin makes me gag.
Finally, the door opens. I know it’s Kazh from her silence.
Before she can open her mouth to curse me, I speak loud enough so she can hear me through the storm raging around us.
“I was arrogant, and disrespectful. I should have obeyed you without resistance and earned my place as your mentee. I have failed you and have broken the sacred trust between the mentor and the student that should never be broken. I am sorry. I don’t deserve you as my mentor.
But the spirits of the gods know I need you.
I need your help, wisdom, and guidance. Please, give me another chance, honorable Oka Oya.
Accept me back as your student, and I swear to the spirits of the gods and everything that’s meaningful to me, I’ll serve you right this time. ”
It takes me quite a while to get the words out through clattering teeth, but I manage.
“Shut your mouth, and get up,” Kazh says. “Do you want the lightning to strike you in this storm? No shit you need my help and wisdom, there isn’t a single brain cell in that head of yours. And you, get inside, too!”
Is Jax still here? She doesn’t have to repeat herself. I scramble to my feet as quickly as I can. She goes back inside the inn, and a moment later, Jax’s hand is on my arm. I wobble inside and Jax closes the door. The interior is warm and toasty.
“Pleasure to see you again, Oka Oya,” Jax says smoothly.
If I had to guess, he’s bowing at his waist for the old woman.
“Shut up, pretty face,” Kazh says. “Your sight is not back. I’m guessing your memories are not back either.”
I shake my head.
She hums. “So the lesson isn’t learned.”
It’s not a question, but I still shake my head.
Her voice is as cold as the howling wind outside. “Then why are you here?”
I lower my eyes and bite the bottom of my lip.
“I’m here because I can’t do this without you.
I need your guidance and your support. I need you to help me learn this lesson and find the path forward.
To help me win the last trial. To help me become an Ezkai worthy of becoming the General, because right now I’m not worthy.
I need you to shape me into a lethal weapon so I can claim the blood debt I’m owed.
And I need your wisdom so I could prevent Ekios repeating Wetra’s mistakes. ”
Kazh doesn’t reply for a long time. I don’t see her face, but I know her eyes are on me. She’s drilling through me, and with each passing moment, fear grows inside my chest.
What if she rejects me? I’ll be fucked.
Finally, she asks. “Are you going to whine a lot while you train blinded?”
I look up, hope blooming in my chest. “Are you taking me back?”
Kazh sneers. “Well, what choice do I have? You kneeling in front of my damn inn like a homeless puppy is bad for business. And if I had to guess, you won’t leave unless I agree to take you back as my student.
Even if you’re an arrogant little shit, I don’t give up on my students this easily.
We will finish what we started. I’ll make a proper Ezkai General out of you.
But I don’t want to hear a single cry or whine from you. ”
I train with Oka Oya for two weeks straight, from dawn till sunset. No breaks, no coddling or comfort. Kazh is harder on me than she was before. But I welcome everything she throws at me, because it makes me stronger and better every single day.
Despite that, I have yet to gain my memories or sight back. Apparently, being humbled wasn’t the lesson I had to learn.
But my control over my emotional manipulation ability is back to where it was. At least there’s that…
“You need to find an anchor, something very important and valuable to you to help you keep your senses in check so that unwanted emotions don’t bleed through your shields and distract you at the worst possible moment,” Kazh says.
I sit on that same damn rock in Vera’s garden.
Today is a beautiful sunny day, and Vera’s whole crew is out enjoying the weather and the view of me being tortured.
I can hear their chitchat and occasional laughs.
Sweat drips down my face, and I pant as I try to recover from intense drill I had to perform mere moments ago.
“You said your senses become raw after the trials, right?”
I nod. “But only after the Trial of Truth and the Culling.”
She hums. “Those two instances left you shook the most, isn’t that right?”
I nod again.
“So, your mental capability wavers when you’re put under too much stress. You need to learn to be more resilient. It’s all a matter of skill.”
“I understand,” I say.
I have no clue how I’m supposed to become more resilient in the short amount of time I have until the last trial, though.
Kazh stares at me without speaking.
I clear my throat. “And…uh, how do I become resilient like, right now?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” she says, bored as ever. “You. Yeah, you, pretty little shit. Come over here.”
Of course it’s Jax. He approaches and I can feel he’s nervous. So am I. I have no clue what Kazh has in mind here.
Kazh asks me, “You like this turd?”
I scoff. “No.”
“Ouch,” Jax murmurs. “That hurts, Phoenix.”
For a moment, nothing happens. And then Jax gasps. His breathing turns shallow.
“Oh, please, don’t,” he begs Kazh. “Not again!”
Jax is terrified. I feel his terror push against my senses, leak through my shields.
Oh gods, Kazh possesses the same power I do.
Suddenly, I’m alarmed. “Kazh, you’ll kill him! Stop! Enough!”
In a blink, the terror is gone and Jax is breathing a little easier. “I never want to experience that again.”
To me, Kazh says, “Do you care about him?”
“No.”
Kazh’s silent. Everyone is.
I press my lips together.
Of course I don’t. He’s nothing to me. A fucking thug hired by Daegel to do his bidding.
Also, the man who helped me. Without him, I wouldn’t be where I am.
Gods damn it.
I roll my eyes. “Fine. Maybe, a little. Not too much, though. Don’t fucking kill him.”
“Get a better grip on your damn senses and I won’t.”
That’s all the warning I get before Jax once again is filled with terror. He whimpers. I can feel his heart racing in his chest. I can taste the fear on the tip of my tongue.
“Concentrate, Phoenix,” Kazh says. “It takes less than two minutes of pure terror for the heart to give up as you know yourself.”
Panic rises inside me. I get it under control quickly, though. Breathing steadily, I focus on drawing out all the noise. My heartbeat stills, and while it pains me to feel Jax so terrified, I focus all my will and attention to shutting him out.
I don’t feel.
I don’t think.
I just am.
Little by little, his terror gets farther and farther away. Until it’s completely gone. I am calm. An unreachable temple of stone.
I don’t feel it.
I’m in full control of my senses and emotions.
Kazh sounds satisfied when she says, “Very good.”
“Let him be,” I say, and I don’t recognize my voice. “Stop that.”
Jax is breathing heavily. After a moment, he says, “You’re a very scary lady.”
A few giggles come from where the girls sit. Kazh ignores everyone but me. I’m still an impenetrable fortress.
Finally, she says, “You see, it’s not that hard when you know what buttons to press. Remember what you just did right here. There won’t always be someone you care about to protect, so you must be able to generate those emotions and that drive out of nowhere from within you. Do you understand?”
I dip my chin. “I understand.”
“Very well. Let’s go again.”