Chapter 57
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
PHOENIX
Being in the dark, all alone, is unsettling. I can’t sleep; my mind is running a thousand miles per hour.
After everyone leaves, I toss and turn in my bed for what feels like forever. I don’t even know what time it is. Has the sun come up yet, or is it the dead of night? Bussek is busy enough during all hours of the day for me to tell from the sounds coming through my window.
Pressure builds inside my chest. I don’t know how long until it bursts. The sky is falling, and I’m trying to keep it up above my head with my bare hands.
I sigh and get out of bed. I can’t do this anymore. I need to go. Where, I have no clue. But I can’t stay here, locked in this room any longer.
I stumble out of my bedroom, into a tiny corridor, and down the stairs. I kick a corner of a chest of drawers on my way down. It hurts like a motherfucker and almost makes me cry. But I bite the inside of my cheek and let the anger building inside me guide me forward.
Because I can’t see shit, it takes me a while to navigate the downstairs and find the entrance door. I’m not sure I put on my shoes, or if they’re someone else’s. But they fit, and that’s all that matters. I don’t care if they might be mismatched.
The burning between my breasts hasn’t eased. It’s a dull pain now. A reminder of the tattoo’s presence on my skin.
I can’t believe I got myself into this situation. Not once did I think something like this could happen to me…
The backs of my eyes burn. I feel more alone than ever.
I want my dad. My mom. My sisters.
Daegel…
I can’t say that after the last time I went to see him. Not after everything he’s done, all the secrets he kept, all the things I’ve learned.
The way he handled me last time, rough and possessive. He had never been so rough with me before, so obsessed with possessing my body, as if that could help him convince me.
A shiver runs through me. I don’t want to think about Daegel anymore.
What I need is to find a way to figure out what this lesson is I need to learn, and to learn it.
Slowly, I turn around and face what I imagine is the main area of Vera’s studio. If I get to my meditation space, I can try to figure out the memories during a meditation.
One by one, I carefully move my feet towards the glass paneled door that leads to the back gardens. I know there are two obstacles in my way. The dining table and the conversation p—
One moment, both my feet are securely planted on the floor, and the next, I’m falling.
Ungraciously, I stumble on all fours into the conversation pit. I hit a knee on the corner of the cushioned bench and manage to hit my forehead on the corner of the low table in the middle.
Cursing under my breath, I drag myself up. My knee and forehead ache, but that’s the only damage from the fall.
At least I don’t have to see myself in the mirror when that bruise blooms in the middle of my forehead. I bet Jax will have a great laugh at my expense.
Bristling, I grapple around the cushioned benches until I finally manage to get out of the conversation pit. I make my way forward much more cautiously. Tiny steps, arms outreached in front of me, I continue.
When my fingertips reach the cool, smooth glass, my shoulders sag with relief. It takes a minute for me to find the handle. I twist it and pull on it. The door slides open with ease.
I welcome the cool early-morning air that tickles my cheeks.
“Damn it,” I curse and pause in the doorway.
Okay, first thing is the terrace. There’s an wrought iron table and chairs on the left. The narrow pebbled path should be in front of me that leads me farther down the gardens, to the large, flat stone I used as my meditation sanctuary.
I inhale, brace myself, and slowly make my way onward. Unfortunately, I miscalculate where the path is, so I stumble over the low bushes that grow all around the perimeter and once more find myself on all fours.
A laugh bubbles out of me. This is ridiculous. I can’t navigate Vera’s studio. How could I ever navigate a trial, where I’d need to face deadly fae Ezkai?
This can’t be the end of me. Not after everything I’ve gone through to get here.
With an exhale, I pull myself to my feet. I stand still for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts and still the raw emotions that swirl in my chest.
I can do this. How hard is it to find a godsdamned stone in the garden?
In my mind, I conjure the image of Vera’s gardens. The layout takes a while to come to me, the images from Daegel’s estate gardens popping up here and there.
But finally, I manage.
Breathing in through my nose at the count of four, I breathe out through my mouth at the count of six. After a while, I manage to guide my breath through my whole body. From the crown of my head to the soles of my feet.
I’m one with the world, part of the ecosystem. My shoes itch uncomfortably, so I remove them and toss them aside. The grass is cool under my feet, but it feels better. I flex and wiggle my toes.
And then, I charge forward.
This time around, I’m much more grounded and have a clear map of Vera’s gardens. It makes navigating the path so much easier. I tune in to my other senses and listen for the rustle of the leaves, the cracking of the toads, and pay attention to the texture under my bare feet to orient myself.
I do manage to hit my big toe into my meditation rock…
“Ouch! Son of a bitch,” I curse, bracing a palm on the flat surface and bending to check on my toe.
Ah, finally.
Once I’m certain my toe didn’t break, I crawl on top of the damn stone and fold my legs under me. My palms rest on my knees, my back straight like a bowstring.
I inhale.
Exhale.
I don’t feel. Don’t think. I simply am. A still fortress.
Slowly, I reach deeper into my mind. The closer to the misty darkness that covers my memories I inch, the more tension builds in my temples.
I ignore it and press forward. My breathing grows more labored, and the ache intensifies. For fuck’s sake.
I hiss when the burning of my tattoo grows to the level of pain that’s hard to ignore.
But I press forward.
I. Need. To. Learn. This. Fucking. Lesson.
Unfortunately, brute force doesn’t work. The harder I push, the more it hurts. And soon, my mind grows fatigued. I’m dizzy, as if the world around me is spinning…
A familiar emotional network enters my space, which only further agitates me.
I know it’s him without having to hear his voice.
“What the fuck do you want?” I snap.
“You’re such a meanie,” Jax teases. “What did I ever do to you to deserve such a treatment?”
I scoff. “Where do I begin?”
He clicks his tongue. I imagine he’s waving his ringed hand in the air right now. “I’m much more curious about where do we end.”
As always, he wears the shield of amusement, pretending to be the easygoing sunshine. But without my shields back in place, I read right through him. He feels sorry for me. It makes me want to gag.
“I don’t need your fucking pity,” I say through clenched teeth.
“Reading my emotions without my consent? Rude.”
“I don’t have much of a choice right now. My shields are not…working properly. I didn’t ask you to come here and be in close proximity, so fuck off if you don’t want me reading your emotions.”
Jax chuckles. “You’re the most stubborn person I know. And that says a lot, considering my father is the man he is.”
I can’t help myself. “What sort of man is your father?”
The sadness and…shame wafts off Jax before he can rein it in. “A menace.”
Before I can ask more questions, Jax changes the subject. “So, you’re back to training?”
“I…tried. But it’s not…working.” I choke out the words.
“Well, if it ain’t working, you know what to do.”
“And what’s that, smart ass?”
“You ask for help. You’ve got me, Vera, and Kazh to get you through this.”
I lower my head. Do I? Do I still have them? Kazh told me she won’t help, not until I learned the lesson. But Jax’s right. I can’t do this by myself. I need Kazh to guide me through it.
My voice comes out small when I say the next words. “Kazh won’t help.”
“Eh, bullshit,” Jax says. My head snaps up. “She’s your mentor, of course she’ll help. She may be angry right now. But anger fades.”
I consider his words. Maybe he’s right. If I beg Kazh’s forgiveness and beg her to train me even while I’m blinded…maybe she’ll agree.
Maybe there’s still hope.
With newfound determination blooming inside me, I lift my chin. “I need your help, Jax.”
“Anything, darling,” Jax purrs.
A moment later I feel something under my hand. His arm. He takes mine and wraps it around his arm, and his bicep flexes. Damn. I’ve never noticed before how shredded Jax actually is…
Focus, I scold myself. What the fuck, Phoenix?
“Take me to Kazh’s Inn,” I say. A beat later, I add, “Please.”
Asking for his help, and trusting him to guide me through this while I don’t see a thing, is terrifying. I feel so vulnerable and…weak.
But I can’t do this by myself. I have to accept that if I want to win.
“That should be fun,” Jax says, amused, as he carefully guides me through the garden, back into Vera’s studio.
“And…before we go. I tossed my sho—” Before I can finish the sentence, Jax hands me the pair I tossed aside earlier. “Thanks.”
I can’t tell if he’s smirking by the way his voice sounds when he says, “Anytime, darling.”