Chapter 31
“ G o away,” I mumbled into my pillow as a steady knocking at my chamber door became more insistent and demanding.
My body was loose, relaxed. I’d gone the entire night without a nightmare, wrapped in Kade’s arms.
The knocking persisted. Instead of jumping from bed and discovering who disturbed our peace, Kade’s arms tightened around me, pulling my back against his chest. He sighed, his breath tickling the nape of my neck.
It was tempting to be nervous, to pull away, to return to the logical side I promised I would after tasting Kade. But for once, I felt unfathomably content. Right now, I wanted to be closer to Kade, with nothing between us.
I, too, ignored whomever stood on the other side of the door and nuzzled into him, burying further into the heaven, which was waking up in this man’s arms.
I was in so much trouble.
“Lana,” Ian called out sternly. “I know you’re in there.”
My eyes shot open, and my body stiffened. Ian wouldn’t give up. Others would have, but not him. He’d stop at nothing until I answered the door.
I threw my blanket back and frantically searched for my robe, strewn across the chaise by my vanity, throwing it on as I tripped over my chair.
“Stay here.” I pointed at Kade as I tied the string of my robe closed.
He propped himself up on his elbow, staring at me, his hair splayed wildly from our activities the night before. But tits and daggers , he looked delicious.
What would it take to make him open up to me? To have him trust me implicitly. To make him mine because he wanted me. Craved me the way my body clearly craved him.
His lips raised slightly. “I don’t take orders from anyone,” He looked me up and down, “but I think I could get used to taking them from you.”
“Flirt,” I muttered, rolling my eyes and leaving my bedroom. I hurried to the larger chamber door, cracking it open before fluffing my hair out of the robe and taking a breath.
I yanked my chamber door open. “Sorry, I…” Pausing, my cheeks heated as I came face-to-face with Ian and Storm. “Overslept.”
Ian pursed his lips as he tried desperately to hold back a smile. Storm had his arms crossed, eyeing me with the same playfulness he had last night at the festival.
“Can I help you?” I asked when they didn’t say anything.
Storm cocked an eyebrow. “I think we both know the only reason I’m here.”
“I don’t know why you’re here actually.” I lifted my chin defiantly.
Ian snorted. “Even I’m not that dumb, Lan.” He brushed past me, walking straight to my bedroom door, without taking his eyes off me once. He pushed it open, still staring at me. “Good morning, Kade.”
Storm’s laughter rippled through the air as I stammered and dropped my face into my hands.
“I will throw each and every one of you out.” I shoved Storm and grabbed Ian’s sleeve to drag them out. Kade moved to get out of bed, and I threw my hand out toward him. “Except you.”
Storm howled louder with laughter.
Ian wasn’t as entertained, but he wasn’t angry, either. Although, he shook his head at me, clearing his throat. “I told Ruppert you wanted to speak with me this morning, so you’re welcome. Can you imagine if it was him banging down your door instead of me?”
I crinkled my nose at the idea.
Kade shuffled in the bed into a sitting position as we all stood at the foot.
This was awkward.
“Whatever brought you here better be the most important things of your life,” Kade grumbled to his friend.
“I do have news, I promise,” Storm said, holding his hands up defensively.
We watched him expectantly as he leaned against the wall next to the door. “There’s no way Edmund could have worked alone. Ian and I retraced the contenders’ steps the entire morning. The razorven wasn’t part of the obstacle course either, meaning we have to assume Edmund had a hand in that as well.”
I frowned, trying to comprehend.
“He had help,” I said.
Storm nodded along with Ian.
“From inside the palace?” I asked.
“It would have to be,” Ian confirmed. “Because he was infected with the darkness, we’re dealing with someone who knows enough about it to not only have somehow turned him, but who also knows the happenings inside these walls to have coordinated it.”
“Fuck,” Kade said, wrapping my sheet around his waist.
My mouth watered as he stood, taking in the way his muscles shifted with each movement of his body. The blessings certainly had been bountiful at this year's Festival.
Heat pooled between my legs and the current I’d gotten so used to feeling from him swarmed over me, this time joined by desire.
Focus, Lana!
Shaking my head, I brought myself back to reality. “We need to tell the others. I want to make sure Kalliah knows to be vigilant.” I wrung my hands together, this time looking at Ian. “I can’t—I will not make it if I lose her like I lost Elisabeth, Ian. We need to figure out who our most trusted guards are and keep them close. To all of us.”
I paced around my room as the others stood there staring at me. A thought stopped me in my tracks. Pivoting slowly, my heart hammered harder in my chest. I faced all three men, fear threatening to turn my stomach at what the answer to my next question might be.
“Does my father know?”
The three of them shared a glance, Ian stepping forward. “No, he doesn’t. He’s been with your mother and Maria, the new head healer, since the festival last night.” Ian scrubbed a hand over his face. “He’s getting worse, Lan.”
The pit in my stomach churned. Elisabeth had been the most gifted healer in Ellevail, and I’d bet my life the entirety of Brookmere as well. If she hadn’t been able to heal him, what hope would Maria have? I couldn’t dwell on such thoughts right now, though. The next trial was coming up in a few days. If a traitor hid amongst us in the palace, we needed to do something.
“Do you think he will postpone the next trial?” I asked, knowing what the answer would be, especially with my father getting worse.
“No,” they all said in unison.
Storm stepped forward and stood next to Ian. “There’s three days until the final event. I’ll take to the city streets and see what I can find. Someone may slip with the right encouragement and reveal some sort of information.”
“Kade and I can work on ensuring the palace is as secure as possible. We’ll keep an eye on Casimir, Ryland, and Hale. I’ll also have Corbin and Leif see what they can find out, too. The staff might have noticed something in the contenders' suites.”
I rubbed my forehead as my frustration grew. I’d been given nothing to do, a fact I knew Ian had done on purpose, by the way he avoided my gaze. “And what am I supposed to do? Sit around and twiddle my thumbs? Braid my hair and play with my pretty dresses?”
Kade snorted. “Careful, Little Rebel, you make it sound like you didn’t have enough excitement last night.”
Storm sighed while Ian slugged Kade in the arm. “Come on, not in front of us. She’s the damned princess.”
Kade didn’t back down or pay either of the men any attention. His hungry stare focused on me, daring me to argue.
“You wouldn’t be able to handle the amount of excitement I can take,” I huffed.
“Fates, Lan. You two are unbelievable,” Ian mumbled.
I opened my mouth to say more but Ian groaned. “Enough. Your parents are expecting you for breakfast, so any ‘excitement’ is going to have to wait.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, please, we’re tame compared to your stories, Ian Stronholm. Now out, all of you! I have to get ready.”
Storm immediately headed for the door, while Kade leaned against my bedpost. “I’ll just collect my things.”
Ian grumbled, muttering under his breath. “I will be waiting outside to walk you to breakfast. Ruppert is attending a meeting at my request. Be quick.” He closed my door a little harder than necessary, and I could hear him pacing outside, waiting for me.
Kade, somehow, was already halfway dressed by the time I turned around. After the evening that transpired between us, I didn’t quite know what to say. Fortunately, his shadows had been pooling around my back and were already pulling me close, tilting my chin toward his. “Goodbye for now, Little Rebel.” He leaned down, this time kissing me softly. “I’ll see you soon.” I shivered against his mouth, his lips claiming mine like some sort of promise.
But I knew that wasn’t what this was.
I had only given into my desires to get Kade Blackthorn out of my system. The newly reformed Illiana would stand tall. That had been the point of last night. I had gotten what I wanted, what I needed from him, and now I could move on. I could make a safer choice for King. One without secrets.
Except, having Kade did only one thing—leave me craving more.
Craving. Wanting. There wasn’t a strong enough word. My body hummed with energy, demanding it.
Kade peered over his shoulder once before he and his shadows disappeared off the balcony and into the gardens below.
I wrapped my arms around myself, my skin noticeably cooler now from the lack of shadowy touches caressing me.
My goodbye had to mean more. A true goodbye, not one laced with a promise of more when it couldn’t be.
“Goodbye, Kade,” I whispered.
Despite the coughing, and the hunched presence of my father, he still smiled at me as I entered the private dining room for breakfast.
My mother clung to his arm. Despite their arranged marriage, their love was agonizingly written into everything they did. I never understood how they weren’t fated mates. I used to dream that even though mates only existed long ago, that they somehow broke a spell, and their love would allow for my mate to find me as well. Even if it was only a childish notion, if I couldn’t have a mate, I’d want a love like theirs.
I smiled, remembering how often my father spoke of knowing my mother was his true love long before she did. They joked about how stubborn she had been, and how terrified she was to admit she loved the king.
I’d grown up envious of their connection. Their love so unyielding it could inspire poetry, songs, and more, and yet now she watched her husband, the man she loved, dying before her eyes. Even knowing her time with him was limited, she still smiled, staring at him as if she couldn’t take her eyes off of him.
“Good morning, Mother.” I kissed her head, rounding the table to my father. I enveloped him with my hug a little harder, a little longer than I normally would have.
“Come, my heart,” my father said, gesturing to the chair beside him. When I sat, he took my hand in his. “Are you all right? I was deterred from being with you after Elisabeth’s death.”
His eyes held unshed tears, my mother not strong enough to hide her own.
“I don’t know if it’ll ever be all right,” I whispered.
“So many times we speak of dying for those we love. We rarely acknowledge you can live for those you love as well,” he said, gripping my hand tightly. “The greatest gift we could give her is to live.”
I hung my head, staring at my lap as his words fell over me. Living for her. Living for her would mean grabbing life and running with it. Not being afraid.
But there was so much to be afraid of right now.
I had more responsibilities, more worries, and more to figure out about our lands and our kingdom, than just simply living a life I might love.
“We’ve dedicated a spot in the garden for her,” my mother said. “The main one. There’s a bench she loved, and we spent many hours sitting there talking throughout the years. We are having the plaque made now.”
I nodded. “I’m sure she’d love that and fuss about it being too much.”
We all laughed, remaining in silence once it died down.
My father coughed again, pulling his hand from mine and grabbing a napkin to bring to his mouth until the fit ended.
“Now,” he said, “we live. Tell us who you may favor coming out of these trials?”
I popped some of the sweet fruit into my mouth. “You, as the king, have better insight than I do, Father. Has anyone stood out to you?”
“Nonsense. I mean the favor of your heart.”
I didn’t correct him. If the trials had been about my heart, we wouldn’t have had them at all, but I didn’t want to argue. Seeing how weak and fragile he appeared, now was not the time nor the place.
“Ian will always have my love,” I said, smiling at him and my mother as they both nodded, as if it wasn’t news. Well, it wasn’t news.
I hesitated, debating if he asked because he wanted to check on my well-being, or if he was truly curious. What I’d said though rang true, both of my parents had sharp instincts and may help me.
“Casimir is vile,” I said. “He looks down upon lesser Fae, and although I know he’s always been a Lord and it’s how things are, I don’t think it would do anything good for our kingdom having him as King.”
“I agree,” my mother said sternly. “The way he stole Ian’s powers in the obstacles and left everyone to fend for themselves when the razorven appeared. Well, it showed his true character.”
My father shrugged. “That is how the trials go, my dears. We cannot fault any of them for using the powers they were gifted from nature and the Fates themselves,” he said, pausing to take a breath, “but, hearing him speak a few times, has me concerned. His character itself is indeed flawed.”
“Hale isn’t a bad choice,” I said. “I think he’d be loyal and wouldn’t be one to take the crown and rule without me. We have known each other for so long, so it would not be starting from scratch. I think he’d remain loyal, even once he learns I don’t have magic.”
They nodded.
I managed to take a drink of the sweet juice at my place before I continued. “Ryland is fine, but nothing more. I don’t see him as a real contender. I do think he would make a great guard, though. I plan to talk to Ian about it once all of this is over.”
“What about Kade?” my father asked.
I blinked a few times, staring blankly at him. “What about him?”
My mother wasn’t subtle about the grin she poorly hid behind her teacup. I frowned. “Nothing in particular, dear.”
“We don’t know enough about him,” I said, taking another bite of the fruit in front of me.
“Never trust something is as it appears at first glance.” He smiled while he took a bite of his eggs. “Did you think our lessons were only for the creatures of Brookmere?”
I frowned but didn’t respond. Choosing Kade held too many uncertainties. “I’ll keep your wise counsel in mind. Now, enough of the trials. How are you feeling?” I asked to change the subject.
The king leaned back, eyeing me and then waved a hand in front of his face. “We don’t need to discuss me.” His eyes drooped, exhausted from something as simple as sitting and eating a meal.
He wouldn’t last long if this was what he’d become.
“We should give your father a rest,” my mother said.
“We need to focus on the mission for the future.” He lifted his hand, head lolling to the side. “She has to be strong. To strive for truth and keep the history we’ve?—”
My mother went to his side, kneeling next to him. “Rest now, my love. Rest.” Patting his hand, she brushed a few strands of his hair from beneath his crown before rising and facing me.
She tilted her head to the side, wordlessly telling me to follow her out the door. “Tell me, sweetheart,” she said as soon as the door closed behind her, “are you ready to make this decision?”
I shook my head no. “I will be, but right now, it’s terrifying.”
My mother brushed her thumb over my cheek. “Love always is.”
“This isn’t about love, that’s the problem,” I said quietly.
She sighed. “As the queen, a queen who preferred observing as your father took the spotlight, I’ve learned to read people. To notice things others think they are hiding. I believe you do know who you want to choose, but you’re scared of who you are. Scared to find out how he might feel, or you're scared your feelings won't be returned. Whatever it is, darling, you can’t be honest with anyone until you’re honest with yourself.”
“And what if in the end I’ve chosen wrong?”
She smiled her beautiful smile. One which had the entire Court loving her, even without knowing much about their Queen. She was radiant. The light of Brookmere, as my father called her in public. “Do you think Ian will let anything happen to you? Kalliah? There are staff I’ve seen come to your side, Corbin Jansen and Leif Ivans for two. Not to mention our dear Perdot, who would hold on hundreds of more years, only to continue to be by your side in the palace.”
I shook my head, embarrassed by her assumptions that these people respected me beyond their duty.
“You’ve built your own Court around you, and you don’t even know it, do you?” She studied me, her curious gaze searching over me. “They may not hold the formal title of a royal court, but they are yours, my love. Trust yourself to continue to surround yourself with people who are not only loyal, but who are friends. They wouldn’t let you be steered wrong.” She cupped my cheek. “Now go. I need to tend to your father.”
“He’s worse,” I said. A statement. Not a question, even though I wanted her to refute it. I wanted her to say it was a bad day, or he showed more hope than what I’d seen.
Her face fell, and for the first time ever, my mother’s shoulders crumpled. “He doesn’t have long if I had to guess. A few weeks?”
“But Maria is trying, right? Trying to do something?” I shook out my hands and shifted my weight. “We can do something to give him more time, right?”
My mother shook her head. “He’s in pain. He’s holding on as long as he can, though. Trust in that. After the trials, we’ll ensure we can all be together more.”
She didn’t say the words “until the end,” but I felt them hanging in the air between us. Hanging like an axe.
She left, going back inside the doors and I didn’t care who saw, I slumped to my knees. Tears poured down my face. How had so much changed so fast?
This was why he pushed the trials so hard. Because he may not be around and needed to know I’d secured the crown once he died.
Which meant whomever I chose would be King sooner than they likely suspected.
Elisabeth dying had broken me, but losing my father? Watching the strongest Fae in our lands, the strongest Fae I knew succumb to an unknown sickness? It would destroy me. I didn’t know how much more of my heart remained to make it through his death.
But my mother spoke with certainty, even though it pained her. My father was dying. And he’d let go as soon as I married and had a King to rule beside me.
I had to choose the right man.
My brain told me Ian. I knew he’d be amongst the top finishers and would be an option.
But my heart? My heart didn’t want to trap him and lead us both to lives of loneliness. My heart sang for Kade, even though it didn’t make sense to me. Perhaps, this newfound Illiana needed to reconsider her logical position.
The last thing I wanted to do was choose him and start a lifetime together with a lie. If he were to win, he’d learn I had no magic, and whatever life he envisioned would be far different than I was certain he expected. Yes, he’d get the crown he wanted. But even strong and powerful in his own right, he wouldn’t be getting a powerful queen. That truth would be enough to change anyone’s mind.
Although I didn’t believe Kade loved me, even if he merely wanted the title of King, telling him the truth was something I knew I had to do.
There were a lot of things I could live with if necessary.
Trapping Kade Blackthorn in a marriage wasn’t one of them.