Chapter 14 #2
‘I might never have done anything with my life if it hadn’t been for you.’ It took a lot to admit it to her now, especially after seeing how she’d so neatly stored him away.
‘Me?’
‘Yeah. The day I stopped resisting you, I made a promise to myself that I would be a man you’d be proud to have. And making the promise helped me to reach beyond that white trash future I’d always expected to have.’
Sierra’s dark eyes glistened with tears. ‘That makes me so sad.’ She shook her head, dislodging the first tear. ‘I never, Benji, not even once, not even After, saw you as beneath me or trashy.’
Unable to resist, Benji reached up and swiped the tear away with his thumb. ‘I know, Si. It was how I saw myself.’
Sierra pressed her face into his touch like a kitten who’d been deprived of affection, and Benji wondered how long it had been since she’d been touched, comforted, even casually, by another human.
It had been over a year for him. And his body flared with the need to be close even as his mind flashed with all those warning signs he was so good at ignoring when it came to Sierra.
He didn’t kiss her because she would have to be the one to make that particular move, but he did drag her onto his lap with an exaggerated grunt of effort.
Sierra squeaked in surprise. Her hands came to his chest to steady herself, and her touch there shook him to his very core.
‘What are you doing?’ she whispered.
‘I’m holding you,’ he replied, and reached around her to reposition the quilted blanket over both of them.
She slowly, almost cautiously, relaxed against him. Her head dropped onto his shoulder, and Benji couldn’t resist his urge to kiss her temple.
Sierra closed her eyes as his lips touched the side of her head. It was so right. Being in Benji’s arms was exactly where she was supposed to be. It was home. And, still, that fear beat a constant tempo in her chest.
Terrified of it, she nestled closer and roped her arms around him, binding him to her, binding herself to safety.
Because even though she didn’t want to need him, she did.
And even though she was terrified of letting him close again, she was so tired of pushing him away.
It was like trying to move something that withstood the test of time – a mountain or an ancient sea cliff that the weather took hundreds of years to erode and still, could never quite eradicate.
Benji’s hand rose to rub those slow, calming circles on her back. Beneath her, his thighs were rock solid, a foundation that could carry her weight with no give.
It occurred to her as they sat there that he had suffered everything she had with nobody to catch him, to comfort him.
Benji had lived through her parents dying, and instead of caving to the grief, he had stayed strong for her.
And for Maverick. Benji had organized the funeral, she remembered, because she and Mav had only been capable of the most basic input immediately following the accident.
Benji had worked like a dog alongside Mav to build the resort, even before Sierra had come home to take over the hospitality management.
He had lost Baby Girl too, and he hadn’t ever let himself grieve in front of Sierra because he’d thought he needed to be strong for her. And when she’d pushed him away, he had left Hunt Ranch, his home. But he had done it for her, to give her space. Sierra knew that.
He was the strongest person she knew. So kind and selfless. And she had hurt him. Deliberately. Routinely. And it didn’t matter that she had had a good reason to push him away, Benji hadn’t deserved her pain and loathing. And fear.
There was always so much fear. Because loving him, so deeply and so fiercely, was accepting pain into her life when she had already suffered so much of it. If anything ever happened to Benji …
Sierra couldn’t even ponder it.
‘Benji …’
‘What is it, Si?’
‘Thank you – for everything you’ve done for me. And for Mav. You’re the strongest person I know, and I’m sorry I was never strong for you in return.’
‘You don’t have to thank me. You’re my family.’
She knew that was true, even as she understood that she had been so inundated with grief After that she had never reciprocated.
She had never comforted him or asked him how he was doing or tried to talk to him about what had happened.
Sierra regretted that now even as she loved him more for everything he had done.
He shifted slightly beneath her, repositioning himself under her weight, but even that slight movement kindled heat low in her.
Sierra remembered what he had said about it being her choice, and even though neither of them could acknowledge it aloud, they both understood, with the clarity of people who’d known each other their entire lives, that she had sipped the wine he’d brought up sparingly.
‘If we have sex,’ she began, feeling Benji go completely still beneath her, ‘will you be able to not read more into it than that?’
‘No.’ He sighed and rested his chin on her shoulder.
‘I could lie just to be able to touch you again, but we’re years past emotional detachment, Sierra.
When I touch you, I love you. When you touch me, you brand me and remind me that I’m yours.
And I know it’s been a long time, but that doesn’t go away just because you want it to. ’
‘I want you, Benji. But I’m not ready to give you anything else.’ Sierra felt it imperative to give him a chance to protect himself from her. There was even a part of her that wanted him to reject her. It would have made things so much easier – for both of them.
‘I’m not asking for anything you’re not ready to give, Si. But that doesn’t mean that we have to lie about the immensity of what we already have.’
Sierra’s body trembled with emotion – relief and grief and love. He always knew what she needed. Whether it was words or actions or distance, Benji always knew. And for the first time, Sierra recognized how truly lucky she was to have that. Him.
Knowing it made her brave. Or, maybe, reckless. In her desperation, she didn’t overthink it. She raised one hand to his face and guided his lips to hers.
The kiss was deep and long, a return home. And when she pulled back, she didn’t run even though the impulse to do just that was strong. She said, ‘Come to my bed, Benji.’
He exhaled a whoosh of air against her neck, asked, ‘Are you sure?’
Sierra pressed her weight down, deliberately grinding over the hard ridge beneath his jeans. ‘I’m sure. I need you.’
His hand gripped the back of her hair and tugged, pulling her head back until she met his gaze. His eyes burned into hers, reading the truth there, and seemingly satisfied with what he saw, Benji took her mouth in a bruising kiss.
As his lips and tongue tormented her, urging her to keep up with his unrestrained need, his hands fell to her hips. He gripped her tightly and gently guided her in the smallest back and forth over his erection. ‘Christ, Sierra, I—’
Whatever he had been about to say was cut off by, ‘Sisi!’ and the sound of little feet pounding up the stairs.
Benji and Sierra froze.
For one perfect second their eyes met.
Sierra started laughing first. And it was not quiet. It burst from her like a champagne cork, releasing years of gathering pressure.
Benji followed, his deep chuckle merging with hers.
Unable to contain herself, Sierra toppled off his lap and onto her back on the carpeted floor as the laughter took her under.
Across the hall, the sound of Poppy opening Sierra’s bedroom door filtered through to them. ‘Sierra,’ Benji said, his eyes still dancing, ‘you have to go out there.’ He cast a pointed look down at his flagrant erection, which only made her laugh harder.
Benji leaned over her. His hand brushed her hair out of her face. He kissed her gently. ‘I’ve missed your laugh.’
Sierra smiled and hurriedly swiped her face. She sat up, said, ‘I’ll go distract her while you pull yourself together.’
Benji put his feet flat on the ground and rested his forearms on his knees. ‘I just need five minutes.’
‘Sisi?’ Poppy called.
‘In here, Poppy!’ Sierra replied, and pushed to a stand. She walked to the door of the closet. She turned back. Benji was sitting on the floor, his eyes closed as he brought his body back under control.
‘Hey, Benj?’
‘Yeah?’ He cracked one eye open to look at her.
‘Will you take me to Wrangler’s Clearing tomorrow?’ she asked.
Benji grinned, and it was wicked and excited and impossibly intimate. ‘Fuck yes.’
Sierra’s heart thumped once. She bit back her smile, tapped the doorframe once. ‘See you out there.’
She stepped into the hallway just as Poppy was coming out of her bedroom. ‘Sisi,’ Poppy enquired, ‘where were you? I was looking and looking.’
‘I was just going through some boxes.’ Sierra held out one hand, and when Poppy took it, she led the five-year-old towards the stairs. ‘Did you have fun dancing?’
‘Yeah. Me and Uncle Markus did the “Git Up”. And Neens and Daddy danced too, but slowly because Daddy’s still tired.’
‘Sounds like you had a blast, kiddo.’
‘We did. But we missed you. That’s why we came home. And we brought you some food,’ Poppy said brightly.
‘That’s so sweet,’ Sierra replied and gave her niece’s hand a squeeze. ‘Thank you, Poppy.’
And as sincere as she was, for the first time ever, she wished her family had been just a little less considerate.