Chapter 15
As was their old habit, and by unspoken agreement, while Benji packed the tent, sleeping bag, pillow, camping stove, and small essentials for an overnight trip to Wrangler’s Clearing, Sierra organized a basket with wine, food, coffee for the following morning, and the tin plates and cutlery kept in the pantry for such occasions.
Because it was winter, she dressed warmly in black sweatpants, a hoodie, thick socks, and Ugg boots, but underneath the seriously unsexy outfit, she had opted for seductive black lace.
The decision to wear the lingerie hadn’t been an easy one.
As she’d held up the flimsy lace, she’d remembered a time when wearing lingerie with Benji in mind had been commonplace.
Things had once been so easy, so natural.
But after all this time, nothing was the same.
The puzzle pieces had changed, and Sierra wasn’t entirely sure that the final image would be what either of them wanted or expected.
Even her body, which he had seen and loved in every season of life, would be new to him.
The stretch marks on her sides from when her stomach had grown during pregnancy he’d seen before.
But they’d been faint, white lines of promise then.
Now they were the angry red of disappointed dreams. Maybe if she’d had a child to show for them, she wouldn’t have felt so self-conscious.
But she did. They reminded her of roots, climbing up her sides.
Roots that had never managed to grow anything.
She’d also made sure to tell Maverick and Nina that she would be going on an overnight trip with Benji, and although neither of them had pushed, Nina had smiled like a feral Cheshire Cat while Mav had looked at her in silence, his concern obvious.
Now, as she lugged the laden picnic basket to the porch to wait for Benji to arrive, she saw her brother sitting on the swing with Poppy.
His dog, Shadow, was asleep at his feet, her head resting on his booted foot.
He was leaning forward, his forearms on his knees as he rolled a single beer between his hands.
He was chatting to Poppy, his gentle, ‘Did you have fun with Neens today?’ reaching Sierra where she stood inside.
‘Yeah! We went and got our dresses pinned up again so the lady could sew them.’ Poppy’s sigh was one of deep contentment. ‘We have pictures, but Neens said we can’t show you until we get married.’
Mav couldn’t quite hide his amusement when he replied, ‘Oh, okay.’
Sierra opened the screen door and stepped outside.
Mav looked up. ‘Hey.’ His eyes flickered to the picnic basket. ‘You heading out?’
‘Yeah. Benj should be here any minute.’ When he only nodded, she sighed. ‘Just say it, Mav.’
‘Say what?’
Poppy’s gaze tracked back and forth between them but perhaps sensing the unfamiliar tension between her dad and aunt, the five-year-old didn’t say anything.
‘Whatever it is you want to say but are too afraid to.’
‘What you and Benji get up to is none of my business, Sierra. You’re adults.’
‘But?’
Mav sat up straight. He ran one hand tiredly over his eyes.
‘I can take it,’ Sierra informed him.
‘I know you can, Si,’ he said quietly. Slowly.
As if he were carefully choosing his words.
‘Please … Be careful with him.’ Because Poppy was listening, Mav stood and came to her, dislodging Shadow, who flopped onto her side and promptly went back to sleep.
He lowered his voice. ‘Benji doesn’t know how to protect himself against you. ’
It hurt that Mav thought she was the problem.
But only because she knew that it was true.
‘I tried to keep him at a distance,’ she replied, her voice barely a whisper.
‘I tried so hard.’ She turned on him, her eyes full of fire and panic.
‘But I’m only human too, Mav. And Benji …
He makes it so difficult to stay away. He’s …
’ Sierra straightened. ‘He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. ’
‘Okay, ouch,’ Mav said, trying to lighten the mood.
Sierra smiled despite her fear. ‘You know what I mean.’
He sighed. ‘I do. And I suppose I always knew you two would end up here again. But it’s just tough to see the people you love suffer.
Jesus, Si, watching you and Benji the past year has been hell.
And I’m happy for you – both of you. But I’m scared for you too.
You’re my baby sister. He’s my best friend.
And you’ve both been through so much. Just … be careful,’ he reiterated. ‘Okay?’
‘I’ll try. I’ve told him I’m not looking for anything more.’
Maverick released a bark of laughter. ‘How did that go for you?’
Sierra raised the picnic basket. ‘How do you think it went?’
‘He’s always been good at quietly going after what he wants.’
‘Yup,’ she agreed. ‘And, worse, he makes you think it was your idea the whole time.’
‘Yeah,’ he laughed. ‘Exactly’. Maverick put his beer down on the porch rail. He took the basket from her and then surprised her by pulling her into a hug. ‘I’m sorry, Si. For everything. I would take it from you if I could.’
Sierra buried her face in his shoulder. ‘Don’t say that,’ she begged. The thought of her brother going through what she had made her feel sick to her stomach.
He gave her a squeeze, but it was only once he had stepped back that Sierra realized that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d accepted a hug from him.
Oh, Mav had tried in those first few weeks After.
But Sierra hadn’t wanted to be comforted.
She had wanted to move on and so had rejected anyone who had tried to lend her a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to her rage-filled ranting.
And now, she realized how much Mav must have hurt too, and she wondered if, maybe, it would have been easier to cope if she’d allowed everyone to grieve with her.
She didn’t have time to ponder it further as Benji drove up and parked beneath the big oak tree. He got out, and as he walked to her, his long legs eating up the space between them quickly, Sierra’s heart pattered with excitement.
Poppy exclaimed, ‘Uncle Benji!’ and ran down the front steps to jump into his arms.
‘Hi, bub!’ Benji swung Poppy around until she was giggling hysterically.
It hurt to watch them, to imagine all those unlived moments they might have had with their own daughter. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ Sierra told Mav.
‘Yeah. Have fun.’ Mav passed the picnic basket back to her and then waved to Benji as he approached.
‘How’re you doing?’ Benji climbed the porch steps and put Poppy down. His green eyes scanned Mav from head to toe. Assessing. Watching. Protecting.
‘Better.’ Maverick gestured to the beer on the porch rail. ‘Finally allowed to drink again, which is making recovery a little more manageable.’
‘They say when you can ride again?’
‘Few weeks. But I promised Nina I’d wait until after New Year’s, except for some still shots for the wedding photos.’ He grinned. ‘If I loved her any less, I’d be really sick of her coddling by now.’
‘You love it,’ Sierra accused.
‘No. I love her,’ he corrected. ‘And even then, if she makes me eat soup one more time, I’m going to throw a tantrum.’
‘Need me to break you out?’ Benji asked. ‘We can head out, get a drink. If you’re good we can even stop and pee on the side of the road like the rough, rugged men we are.’
Mav raised both hands in a praying gesture. ‘Please.’
‘Tomorrow?’
‘Sounds good.’ He turned to Poppy, said, ‘Why don’t you go put your jeans on, baby? I’ll drive you down to see the horses.’
Poppy did not have to be told twice. She said, ‘’Kay!’ in her sing-song voice and then bolted into the house to go and get dressed.
Mav waited for the door to slap shut behind her. ‘While I have you both here …’
‘What is it?’ Benji asked, immediately concerned.
Sierra watched her brother’s face closely. ‘Mav?’
‘It’s nothing serious,’ he hurried to tell them. ‘Nina wanted to delay our honeymoon, maybe do a family one once the baby comes …’
‘But?’ Sierra asked.
‘I don’t think she realizes, you know … How much changes, or how tough it’s going to be those first few months. And I kinda want her to have a little holiday after everything she’s been through.’
‘A surprise honeymoon?’ Benji asked. And when Mav nodded, he added, ‘I think that’s a great idea.’
‘Do you think I could leave Poppy with you guys after the wedding – just for a week? And Jenna will have her during the days,’ he added, referencing Poppy’s babysitter.
‘I’m gonna take Nina to Bali. Do the warm, beach vacation.
And even though she’d want to take Poppy, I kinda want her all to myself for a little bit before the baby comes … ’
‘Of course,’ Sierra said immediately.
Benji hesitated. ‘Ah, I have to be back in Utah soon after New Year’s, but I can help out while I’m here.’
The reminder hit Sierra out of left field. For just a moment, she’d forgotten … ‘Mav,’ she said firmly despite her aching heart, ‘I’m perfectly capable of looking after Poppy.’
Benji was eerily silent.
‘Thanks, Si. I appreciate you – both of you.’ Mav shucked his head in the direction of the truck. ‘Now get.’
Benji turned those green eyes on her. ‘You ready?’
Sierra passed him the picnic basket in reply, and then walked down the stairs towards his truck, leaving him to follow.
He still somehow beat her to the passenger door and opened it for her. Sierra climbed in and settled, and when he passed her the basket, she put it on her lap so that nothing toppled during the drive.
They started out in silence, and it was new.
It wasn’t that old, comfortable silence.
It was heavy with remnant grief from the reminder that Benji was leaving in just a few weeks’ time, and, at least on Sierra’s part, nerves.
And by the time Benji manoeuvred the truck off the road and through the last thicket of trees, her stomach was a mess of anxiety.
Her knuckles on the picnic basket were white.