Chapter 23
Benji’s eyes burned as Poppy and Shadow walked down the grassy, makeshift aisle between the rough-hewn, wooden benches that he and the barn staff had set up that morning.
Nina, Sierra and Markus had decorated the benches with Douglas fir, white lilies, and red ribbons.
And although he wasn’t sure how they’d done it, the front yard looked like a professional venue for a ritzy LA wedding while somehow still remaining intimate.
Benji had watched Sierra work like a dog to get everything organized in time, and even though he was happy for Mav and Nina, there was a part of him that couldn’t quite reconcile with the fact that, in another life, it might have been his and Sierra’s wedding that she was so stressed about organizing.
Late at night while she slept in his arms, he wondered if she ever thought about it too.
He wondered what she would say if he asked her again – and soon.
Because of Nina’s celebrity status, the wedding had been kept under wraps, with the exception of Markus’s trusted team members, who would be photographing the day for an exclusive in Hollywood Magazine.
The six photographers had driven down the morning before, so that they could capture everything from the set-up to the afterparty.
Although Markus was technically man of honour, everyone knew he’d eventually cave and pick up the camera himself.
The air was crisp, but the sun shone bright and beautiful. The big oak towered over the pretty arbour where he, Mav, and Sierra stood, waiting.
Poppy, dressed in a pretty, white dress, threw red rose petals exuberantly.
Shadow, tongue out, trotted at her side, the dog’s bright red collar threaded with a bow that held the rings.
As soon as Poppy reached the front, she went and stood by Benji as she’d been instructed.
She took his hand and looked up at him, her grin huge.
Benji’s heart caught in his chest. He squeezed her tiny hand in his.
To their right, Mav told Shadow, ‘Sit,’ as the instrumental version of George Strait’s ‘Run’ started playing through hidden speakers and everyone stood to watch Nina walk on Markus’s arm.
They made their way down the porch steps and across the lawn before stopping at the top of the makeshift aisle.
While everyone else turned to look at Nina, Benji turned to check on Mav.
His friend stood with his arms in front of him, his hands clasped, one over the other.
Like Benji, Mav wore dark blue jeans, a white shirt, and a vest the same summer-field colour as the Stetson on his head.
His scarred boots were on his feet. Despite his huge grin, tears streamed down Mav’s face as he watched Nina walk towards him.
Nina glowed. Her long, wavy hair fell down her back, with the exception of a front piece that had been swept to the side of her face and clipped back beneath a black Western hat with a white lily pinned in the red ribbon band.
Sierra welcomed the guests and then asked, ‘Who gives this woman to be married to this man today?’
Nina stepped forward, off Markus’s arm, and replied. ‘Nobody. I go to him willingly.’
Benji had been at the rehearsal. He had been expecting the words, but they hit differently as he watched his closest friend reach out a hand for his bride.
And when Nina took it, Mav raised her fingers to his lips. He kissed them gently and whispered, ‘Ready?’
Nina smiled brightly. ‘I’m desperate, Mav,’ she replied. ‘I want to be yours.’
Mav tucked her hand in his arm and, together, they walked the last few steps to where Sierra stood, waiting to marry them.
And even though the ceremony was quick, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house by the end of the vows, which the couple had written themselves. And when Sierra pronounced them husband and wife, and Mav took his hat off and swept Nina into a dramatic kiss, everybody stood and cheered loudly.
Benji clapped and whistled. But he couldn’t help turning to Sierra. Their eyes met, and for the first time in over a year, he saw a matched need and want in her.
He was helpless to defend himself against it. It stole the breath from his lungs. Goddammit, he wanted that future with her. He wanted to claim her for forever in front of everybody they loved and everybody who loved them. He wanted her to be his in the way that he’d always been hers.
As Mav and Nina started down the aisle, each of them holding one of Poppy’s hands, Shadow at their side, Benji went to Sierra. He roped an arm around her waist and kissed the side of her head. ‘Good job, Si. That was beautiful.’
‘It was,’ she replied, and rested her head on his shoulder as she watched her brother and his wife. ‘Look at them, Benji. So h-happy.’
Alarmed by the sob in her voice, Benji turned her in his arms.
Sierra waved away his concern before he could speak. ‘I’m happy. I just … I wish my mom and dad could have been here, you know. God, Benji, could you imagine how happy this would have made them? The wedding and the babies. The joy.’
‘Yeah.’ He didn’t have to close his eyes to imagine Ava and James, sitting side by side, tearing up as they watched Mav marry the love of his life, with Poppy wearing a dress that Nina had made sure matched hers. ‘Yeah, they would have loved it.’
Sierra sighed. She shook both hands as if trying to physically expel the grief. ‘Okay, no more tears.’ She swiped at her face. ‘I’m done crying. Today is a happy day.’
‘It’s okay to cry, Si,’ Benji reminded her.
‘Every person here who knew your mom and dad would understand why.’ And although he didn’t say it, he thought that a big part of their problem in the past had been that neither of them had known how to handle all those big, ugly emotions.
First, when Ava and James had been taken from then.
And then Baby Girl. Sierra had survived her parents’ accident – barely.
But she had never really worked through her grief, so that by the time their baby had died, she’d had no more room for any more.
She had shut down. And, unwilling to push her, Benji had made sure to never show her the extent of his own grief, despair and loneliness.
But maybe that wasn’t healthy. Maybe, the reason they had so much pain between them was because neither of them had opened the lid on it and let it out, so instead all that grief had grown and grown, pushing them further and further apart when, really, they should have mourned together.
They should have reached for one another and displaced the sorrow instead.
Unwilling to dredge it up at the wedding, Benji linked his fingers with Sierra’s, and when Markus momentarily lowered the camera he’d picked up to say, ‘We gonna party or what?’ Benji laughed, choosing happiness.
But later, as he and Mav sat at the head table, slightly drunk, resting their feet from all the dancing and watching their girls belt out Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story’ with Markus, Benji couldn’t help but mention it. He kicked Mav’s foot gently and said, ‘I’m happy for you, man.’
Mav’s grin was huge, if a little off kilter. ‘Thanks.’ His gaze naturally turned to find Nina. He rubbed a hand over his heart. ‘Damn, Benji. Look at my wife.’
Benji did – but only because Nina was dancing with Sierra.
While Nina was in white, Sierra wore black.
The long-sleeved dress clung to her from wrist to mid-shin, the solid colour only interrupted by a red ribbon at her waist and her red cowgirl boots.
The dress should have been demure with how much it concealed; instead, it flaunted her perfect body, her full breasts, her small waist in contrast to her hips. Benji couldn’t wait to take it off her.
Whether she sensed him looking or had been thinking of him just then too, he couldn’t know. But Sierra raised her gaze to his, and when their eyes met, she waved him over.
Benji held up a finger, telling her he’d be there soon, and then he turned to Mav. ‘I’m gonna need that ring back, Mav.’
Even through his drunken bliss, Benji saw the concern that flickered through his best friend’s eyes. ‘Are you sure you’re ready?’
‘Fuck yes. I’ve only ever been ready. You know that. And seeing Sierra plan this wedding, seeing you and Nina …’
‘And Sierra – you think she’s ready?’
‘She might take some convincing,’ Benji admitted. ‘But either I leave in the new year, or I stay, and the way I see it, she’s not going to be the one to ask me to stay.’
‘It’s yours. I’ll get it out of the safe for you.’
Benji heard the cautious tone. ‘But?’
Mav took his time thinking through what he needed to say.
‘Don’t be afraid to expect things from my sister, Benji.
The reason you two were so good together before was because you didn’t take her shit – and she knew it.
And she respected you for it.’ Mav rolled his beer bottle in his hands.
‘There aren’t many men who can go head-to-head with a woman as strong-willed as Sierra.
But before … Before the baby, you did. Now, you just let her walk all over you, and as the person who loves you most after my sister, I’m telling you that it won’t work if you let that imbalance breed. ’
Benji wasn’t offended. He expected honesty from his best friend – always. But he was defensive – for Sierra. ‘I know you’re right. But you can’t expect anything from someone running on empty. And for a really long time, Sierra’s priority has been surviving.’
‘And what about you, Benj?’
‘It’s my job to protect her,’ he said simply.
Mav grinned. ‘Wanna tell her that?’
Benji wasn’t upset enough to stop his smile from spreading. ‘Hell no.’
Mav clapped him on the shoulder. ‘I’m not going to preach. Just … I dunno. Don’t be afraid to fight with her instead of for her all the time.’
Sierra knew that they must have been having a serious discussion by the way Benji looked so sad, and still, the moment he reached her on the dance floor, he forced a smile and grabbing her hand, twirled her.
When she laughed, he did it again, but this time, he stepped to her and stopped her body with his own so that she was pressed against him.
The band had transitioned to ‘Tennessee Whiskey’ by Chris Stapleton, and Sierra and Benji danced, their bodies melding together and moving completely in sync. His big hands held her gently, one linked with hers and pressed between them, against his chest, one riding low on her back.
Sierra closed her eyes and let him lead her, completely trusting that he would carry them both through the steps.
She had forgotten that they had once loved to dance, and now, with the happiness from the day in her heart and Benji’s familiar body warming her in the cold winter night, she regretted that they had lost all those little, unthought of joys.
Things like dancing and joking and teasing and holding hands.
As they twirled under the oak tree, Sierra realized that sometime in the past year, the old swing had fallen down. She hadn’t even noticed.
The list of things they’d lost without noticing went on.
And although she knew that it was pointless to look back on things she couldn’t change, Sierra desperately wanted to find them again. ‘We need to hang a new swing from the tree,’ she said. ‘It’s a crime that Poppy doesn’t have one.’
Benji glanced back to where the old swing used to hang. He nodded slowly. ‘Yeah. I’ll see what I can do.’
And wasn’t it so simple for him – to give, to love?
Sierra wanted that.
She wanted to heal.
She wanted to move forward.
She wanted to live.