Chapter 24
A few days later, Sierra stood in the arena dressed in jeans and boots, and shouted, ‘Stop holding her back, Skye!’ The horse and rider turned the barrel far too close, so that by the time they were taking the straight, they’d lost a full second trying to avoid the barrel and realign Smokey’s body.
It might not have mattered now, but in a competition, every mistake added time.
Sierra waited for them to come to a halt right in front of her before looking up at Skye. ‘You’re still afraid.’
‘I—’
Sierra held up one hand, cutting the other woman off.
‘You’re still afraid,’ she repeated. ‘And, Skye, that is completely normal. It’s rational.
But other than that, you ladies have everything else you need to get the times you want.
I can’t train you not to be afraid. That’s something you’re going to have to work on yourself. ’
Skye slumped in the saddle, dejected. She toyed anxiously with Smokey’s mane. ‘I’ve only fallen off once before …’
Sierra nodded. ‘It’s always terrifying.’
It didn’t matter how good a horseman a person was, if you rode every day, eventually you would fall off or get thrown when your horse spooked at a shadow or something else stupid happened. It was the one thing everyone raised on horses understood.
‘It took me two weeks to get back on,’ Skye admitted. She sighed. ‘I can’t lose this – riding. It’s my life, you know. It saved me.’
Sierra nodded. There was a time when she would have said the same thing, when she couldn’t have imagined going even a day without a ride. ‘Maybe you don’t compete then. Maybe it’s enough to just race in training. To have fun.’ She shrugged. ‘It was for me.’
‘Yeah, but you weren’t afraid. I’m afraid, and I don’t like knowing that that’s what’s stopping me.’
Sierra thought about that for a long moment: the subtle difference between choosing not to do something because you simply didn’t want to and avoiding doing it because you were afraid.
How many things had she given up on in the past year because she was too afraid?
Too afraid to trust, to love, to live. Too afraid to move forward.
Instead, she had cocooned herself in safety, in a sterile environment in which she controlled every aspect of her life and avoided all those risky variables that living came with.
Too many times.
But now, as the new year crept closer, she was resolved to start living again.
‘We’re not going to be ready in time for our first run, are we?’ Skye asked.
‘Actually, I think you two could go pro if you wanted to,’ Sierra replied honestly. ‘We just need to figure out how to push you past that little mental bump. Move her out a little. Give her body space to navigate the barrel. Finish your turns. Trust your horse.’
Skye nodded.
She raised her hand and waved at someone.
Sierra glanced over her shoulder to see Benji approaching. He was so tall, so strong, his long legs somehow closing the distance between them quickly despite the way he casually ambled. His hair gleamed gold when he took off his ball cap and ran one hand through it.
He came over, leaned down and gave her a quick kiss before roping his arm over her shoulders in a casual gesture that was resonant of Before.
Sierra didn’t comment on it, and she didn’t wriggle out of the casually possessive display of affection. If anything, she nestled closer, cuddling into his big body and the warmth he provided. ‘Where’s Poppy?’
‘She wanted to help Deb finish setting up for the New Year’s party,’ Benji replied. He reached out to give Smokey’s neck a rub.
Mention of the party had Sierra’s body tensing. They hadn’t talked about it yet, but she knew that Benji was set to leave the next day. He had the job waiting for him in Utah, and as much as she didn’t want him to go, Sierra was terrified of asking him to stay.
She’d had a good few weeks in a horrific year, and while Benji was so quick to focus on the good, Sierra was too wary to be optimistic. It was unfair to ask him to stay if she wasn’t prepared to give him everything. She knew that. But it was such a huge step. Such an enormous risk.
‘How are they doing?’
‘Good,’ Sierra replied.
Right as Skye said, ‘Terribly.’
When Benji comically looked back and forth between them, his eyebrows raised, Sierra explained, ‘Skye is still holding back and taking the turns too tight. And Smokey is starting to get confused. But it’s fixable.’
‘I hate this,’ Skye said, her tone bordering on petulant. ‘I’m desperate to see what she can do—’ The moment the words left her mouth, Skye perked up in the saddle. Her gaze snapped to Sierra.
Sierra read the thought instantly. ‘No.’
She wasn’t ready, might never be ready.
‘Please, Sierra,’ Skye whined. ‘You have the technique. Smokey has the athleticism. I just want to see what she’s capable of – what we’re capable of. I want something to strive towards.’
‘I don’t ride anymore,’ Sierra replied firmly.
Benji’s arm around her tightened. Before Skye could argue, he interceded. ‘Why don’t I give her a run? I’m not quite as good as Sierra, but I can show you how Smokey can open up.’
Sierra jumped on the offer. ‘That’s a great idea!’
Skye seemed appeased. ‘Yeah. Okay.’ She shrugged and slipped her booted feet from the stirrups.
While Skye dismounted, Sierra gave Benji the rundown. ‘Smokey is weaker on her left, so take her left first. Give her enough of a pocket around each barrel and let her use her long stride. She can take each turn in two or three strides if you let her.’
Benji adjusted the stirrups and swung into the saddle with the ease of someone who had spent a lifetime on horseback. It didn’t matter that Skye’s borrowed saddle was quite a bit too small for him, as was Smokey, Benji looked perfect. Like a model for one of Markus’s shoots.
‘Let me take her around a few times before we run the pattern,’ he said. ‘I’ll get a feel for her.’
Skye came and stood beside Sierra as he took off, guiding Smokey into a perfectly collected trot around the arena.
‘I know he’s yours, and he’s not my type anyway. Apparently, I only date assholes. But damn,’ Skye sighed, ‘he sure is easy to look at.’
‘Yeah.’ It wasn’t exactly conversation, but Sierra was too busy watching Benji as he accelerated into a lope to make small talk. She would never say it aloud, but he rode like he fucked: With skill and style and a gentle touch.
‘How long have you two been together?’
The question was so innocent, so routine. But in refence to her and Benji it was anything but. ‘On and off for almost twenty years now,’ Sierra replied.
Skye looked taken aback. ‘Really? I had no idea. I thought it was new …’
Instead of changing the subject or blowing it off, for the first time ever, Sierra said those words out loud.
‘We lost our baby a year ago, and things between us kinda … stopped.’ The words hurt to say.
But they were the best she could do. She couldn’t say ‘We broke up’, because that wouldn’t have been true.
You broke up with someone, understanding that they would most likely never have that same role in your life.
She and Benji hadn’t broken up. They had just … not been together.
When she risked a glance at Skye, the other woman’s blue eyes were huge and glassy. ‘I’m so sorry I asked,’ she said with a small shake of head. ‘Nobody told me.’ She momentarily closed her eyes. ‘Oh my God. That’s why you don’t ride?’
Sierra nodded. ‘I can’t …’ forgive myself. She was too ashamed. Too sad. Too heavy. Because even if riding hadn’t been what had done it, her body had. It had failed her, giving her life even as it took the life that she and Benji had created.
‘I … I’m so sorry,’ Skye repeated. ‘I’m always putting my fucking foot in it.’
‘It’s okay.’ But sensing Skye’s mortification, Sierra nudged her. ‘Should we get this show on the road?’
‘Are you okay? Doing this – helping me? If I had known, I never would have asked.’
‘I’m fine,’ Sierra replied. ‘It’s been nice actually – to be around the horses again.’ When Skye still seemed unsure, Sierra called, ‘Benji! You ready?’
‘Yup!’ came the reply.
As Skye moved out of the way, giving Benji and Smokey space, Sierra took a huge inhale. You’re fine, she reminded herself. And instead of that slippery panic she usually felt when something reminded her of Baby Girl, for the first time ever, she believed it. She felt it.
She moved and stood next to Skye, who took the little stopwatch from her hand as Benji lined Smokey up and came to a halt on the back line.
‘Watch how he keeps Smokey in the frame but pushes her out a little if she needs it’ Sierra instructed as the horse started prancing in place, her excitement clear.
Sierra’s heart pattered as she watched Benji hold Smokey on the spot, and when he took his seat and pushed the horse off the start and into a gallop, her heart lurched. But not with fear. With excitement.
Benji approached the left barrel first as she’d instructed him to.
He checked Smokey, took the turn in three strides, his pocket perfect, and when he pushed the horse out of the turn, Smokey accelerated impossibly fast in one huge drive forward.
The second barrel he took in two strides and kept it close, and by the time he reached the third, Skye was staring at the stopwatch and jumping up and down, yelling, ‘Go! Go!’
Benji and Smokey rounded the third barrel perfectly and shot down the straight. He grinned at Sierra as he passed the line, sat back in the saddle, and said, ‘Woah.’
‘Holy shit!’ Skye held up the stopwatch, showing Sierra a seventeen-five-five time.
‘I told you!’ Sierra laughed when Skye pulled her into a spontaneous hug. ‘And Benji has a hundred pounds of weight on you, and he still took the barrels tighter than I would have liked.’
‘I haven’t raced in over a year,’ Benji reminded her as he brought Smokey abreast of them.