Chapter 29
Although Sierra had spent a week helping her event staff plan the New Year’s party, she didn’t attend.
She was too afraid that she’d see Benji there, too afraid that he’d see everything in her heart just by taking one look at her face.
Things like: I’m scared, I love you, please don’t leave me. Stay.
And it wasn’t fair to keep him chained to her just because she was afraid of finally, actually losing him. So, she stayed home, cuddled between Poppy and Markus on the sofa as they watched Moana for the thousandth time.
It was only towards the end of the movie, when Poppy was fast asleep, her head on Sierra’s lap, her little mouth open, that Markus asked, ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
There was no point in denying that something had happened. She couldn’t have hidden her heartache even if she’d wanted to. Still, her inclination was to say no, to ignore the problem and pretend she felt nothing. But just then, with Markus, it dawned on her that she had nothing left to lose.
Conscious of Poppy, she whispered, ‘I love him. I think more than he knows.’
He glanced down at Poppy, making sure she was asleep. ‘So, what the F-U-C-K are you doing letting him walk away, babe?’
Sierra laughed tiredly. ‘There are so many reasons.’
‘Such as?’
She exhaled deeply, reining in her urge to snap out something caustic.
‘He shouldn’t be with someone who may never recover enough to give him what he deserves, for one.
Benji … He’s been through so much already.
He has shown up for me every single day of my life – even before we were together.
And I am currently – potentially permanently – incapable of doing the same.
Of being strong for him. I’m so …’ So what?
‘Lost’ wasn’t the right word. There was no right word to describe the gravitational pressure she felt trying to live in the present while the past constantly sucked her backwards. ‘Irredeemable.’ She settled on eventually.
‘So, you think you’re doing him a favour by pushing him away?’
‘Absolutely.’ And it was the truth. ‘I think that one day Benji will look back at me, still stuck here, and he’ll be relieved that I …’ she momentarily trailed off as her voice broke, finished with a rasped ‘… let him go.’
Markus reached out and strung his arm over her shoulders. ‘Or, maybe he’ll look back and wish he’d had that chance with you? Maybe he’ll be stuck in a half-life – half loving someone else, half happy, half himself.
‘If my break-up with Juan taught me anything, it’s that sacrifice in a relationship should be equal.
Not all at once, or at the same time, but over the course of a life together, the compromises, the give and take, should equal out.
My problem,’ he continued, ‘was that I’ve always been so afraid of releasing my grip on my ambition, even a little bit, that I didn’t make time for the most important person in my life.
And he tried and tried – until he realized that I wasn’t ever going to do the same.
And then he walked. And now I’m afraid that I won’t ever find that again … ’
Sierra rested her head on his shoulder. ‘I’m afraid of everything,’ she admitted.
‘I’m afraid of losing him – and I’m not talking about him walking away.
I’m talking about … When he fell off that horse …
’ She couldn’t even say it – death. Even though Benji was right: He had fallen many times before and, she knew, he would again in the future.
And because it was terrifying to ponder what life might have in store, she redirected.
‘I’m afraid of him eventually growing to resent me if I’m never normal again – never me again.
Because whatever he says, the woman he fell in love with is gone.
And she is not coming back. But most of all, I’m afraid of loving him – because I know what that future entails. And I am terrified of … of …’
‘Of losing another baby,’ Markus said quietly.
She stifled the sob that tore through her throat, and all that pressure seemed to redirect to her womb.
The tears streamed down her face freely.
Because that was the heart of it. She could make every excuse she could think of, irrespective of how irrational.
Because the truth was too soul-stopping to ponder, and at the end of the day, the one thing she was truly terrified of was that – birthing another stillborn baby.
And if she stayed with Benji, it was inevitable that they would try again. Because as scared as she was, there was another traitorous part of her that desperately wanted that future – the babies, the big, messy family, and the chaotic gatherings – with Benji. ‘Yes.’ She managed.
‘I could never understand what that felt like. But, Si, do you know what the statistical chance of that happening is – let alone twice?’
‘There is a six in one thousand chance of stillbirth,’ she replied. ‘And if you’ve had one, you’re at greater risk of another depending on the underlying cause …’
Markus obviously hadn’t expected her to actually have an answer. ‘Well, shit.’
It shouldn’t have made her laugh. But it did.
‘It’s such a small number. But once you’ve become one of those six women, you realize how randomly life deals those cards.
And it’s the not knowing,’ she admitted, ‘the lack of guarantee … And Benji … Our relationship is already so unequal. And I don’t want to steal that future from him … ’
‘Si …’
‘Yeah?’ she whispered.
‘Maybe you reciprocating – you doing what’s best for him – isn’t letting him go in the hope that he’ll be happy without you.’
Sierra’s heart beat dully in her chest, already numb with loss.
‘Maybe you reciprocating is learning how to live with your fear knowing that you’re the only person who will ever make him happy. Maybe you learn how to live with your fear for him – instead of pushing him away.’
Sierra thought about that, and oddly she remembered Skye’s words about fear stopping her from doing what she wanted: I’m afraid, and I don’t like knowing that that’s what’s stopping me.
‘Can I ask you one last question?’
She laughed tiredly. ‘I think we just eradicated the last boundaries in our friendship.’
‘How will you feel, in ten years’ time, when Mav and Nina are married and have a bunch of kids and you’re the sexy, single aunt at Thanksgiving?’
Sierra didn’t lie. As appealing as being the sexy, single aunt was, and as much as she would love all her nieces and nephews, she said, ‘Jealous.’ She laughed sardonically, repeated, ‘I’ll be jealous.’
‘Me too.’ Markus sighed. ‘Shit.’ He untangled his arm from her shoulders and pushed to a stand.
‘Where are you going?’
‘To call Juan,’ he said. But before he left, he turned and smiled gently at her. ‘I’m not gonna be the sexy, single uncle, Sierra. Not if I have anything to do with it. It’s a good future. But it’s not the one I want.’
Sierra gave him a shaky smile. ‘Good luck.’
And then she sat there, stroking Poppy’s hair as her niece slept soundly on her lap.
She was torn, one half of her terrified of Benji staying and what that meant, the other half of her terrified of truly letting him go.
Because she wasn’t quite sure how she would survive without him.
Even though she wasn’t sure how she would survive all the uncertainties that being with him brought, either.
Because life was simple when the only person you had to worry about was yourself.
It was clean.
It was easier in a lot of ways.
The only downside was that it was so damn lonely.
Because he wouldn’t delay leaving once the sun rose in the morning, Benji drove up to the ranch house when he was done with work to hang the new swing.
As much as he understood that it was the coward’s way out, he couldn’t bear to say goodbye – not only to Sierra.
But to Mav and Nina and Poppy, and even Markus too.
Because he couldn’t come back. If he was going to start over, he needed to sever all contact with Sierra; otherwise, he would never move on.
He could never come back and visit – for holidays and drop-in visits and birthdays and Mav and Nina’s baby’s birth.
But knowing it, accepting it, didn’t stop the burn of panic that had settled in his chest. And it wasn’t just panic over what he’d do without her.
It was panic for her too. Who would carry a spare jacket everywhere because she hated ruining her outfits but always ended up being cold as a result?
Who would stop by and check in on her or bring her food when she worked herself to the bone to try and shut everything else out?
Who would fetch her fuzzy socks in the night when her feet got cold?
Who would wrap her in their arms and hold her the next time she fell apart?
That … that about killed him to think about.
And because he felt the urge to pound on the ranch house door and beg to be let back in, Benji parked and got out of the truck. He heaved the swing he’d made out of the truck bed.
It wasn’t fancy, merely a sanded and varnished wooden swing seat with knotted rope handles.
Under the seat, he’d used a wood burning pen to write in small, delicate font: In loving memory of Baby Matthews.
Too perfect to stay in this life. Waiting for us in the next.
But that had been for him. It was the gravestone they’d never erected for their daughter.
Benji had started making it the day after the wedding because Sierra had mentioned that she wanted a swing again, but he’d finished it in a rush that afternoon, knowing that it was the one last promise he’d fulfil before he left.
Even if she never used it, Benji hoped that Poppy and, eventually, Mav and Nina’s new baby, would. He could picture the kids on it, laughing as they swung, probably bickering over whose turn it was while the adults hovered nearby, maybe grilling or sitting on the porch, having an evening drink.
When the reminder of everything he’d miss out on forced a lump of bitterness into his throat, Benji purposefully swallowed it down.
He didn’t want to resent Sierra. She had made her choice, and just because he wasn’t what she’d chosen didn’t mean that he’d hate her for it.
If anything, he understood why she couldn’t face that pain.
Because he felt it too.
He might have been the only other person who did. The only difference was that he wanted the comfort that Sierra still couldn’t accept.
Benji put the swing on the ground beneath the tree and went back to the truck to pull out the ladder.
He got to work, and he moved slowly, lingering at the ranch house, which had been his only true home, and soaking up the proximity to Sierra for as long as he possibly he could – he allowed himself that much.
He imagined her in there, so close to him and yet impossibly distant too.
Maybe she was cuddling Poppy or cooking dinner or having a glass of wine with Markus.
When his urge to go to her became unbearable, he sat on the swing instead, testing the weight. It creaked a little as the rope adjusted, but it was sturdy. It would hold her for as long as she needed it to.
Benji didn’t swing, only sat as the ranch settled in for the night around him.
Leaving Hunt Ranch was like willingly cutting his heart out of his chest. The only thing that made it bearable was that, without Sierra, it barely beat anyway. It was numb. He was numb. Suspended in a reality that he didn’t want at all.
Still, he pulled out his phone and shot Mav a text.
Hey … I know this is the coward’s way out, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving tomorrow morning. For good.
Mav replied right away.
What?! Why? I thought things were going well …
I fell off Smokey running barrels …
He didn’t say more. But he didn’t need to.
Fuck. Were you hurt?
Not at all.
Shit.
Please stay until I get home. We’re en route to Seattle now … We’ll be back at the ranch by seven a.m. tomorrow.
Need me to pick you up?
Thanks. But I booked a car already. Just promise you’ll wait so I can say bye.
Yeah man. Of course.
It was a lie. He knew if he stayed to say goodbye, Mav would try to convince him not to leave at all. And more than anything, Benji wanted to stay. So, he’d leave before Mav and Nina got home. And he’d apologize for it afterwards.
But the problem with having a best friend who had known you for thirty-five years was that they knew when you were lying.
Dude …
I’ll miss you guys. Send pics okay?
Yeah. Benji …
Don’t get sappy, dickhead. I’ll be seein ya.
The text wasn’t exactly poetry, but he couldn’t handle it if Mav got emotional. The dude was sentimental. The problem was: so was Benji. It was easier to pretend that they were just two bros, parting ways for a while. Not brothers, saying goodbye for a long time.
The problem with Mav was that he fucking went there anyway.
I love you, man. Come home soon.
Nina says she won’t forgive you if you don’t come home to meet the baby.
Benji laughed when a notification popped up: Maverick Hunt added Nina Keller.
He’s right, I won’t. Take your time. But then come home, Benji. We need you. And you need us.
Take care of my family, Neens.
Always.
He turned off his phone before either of them could say more. And then he sat there on the swing under the stars, breathing in home for the last time.