Chapter 30
Sierra put Poppy to bed long before midnight and the start of the new year, and even though she had showered, changed into her pjs and climbed beneath her own covers, she didn’t sleep.
She hugged her body pillow where only last night she had snuggled into Benji and felt his arms wrap around her, keeping her safe when her mind drifted into sleep and the dreams she couldn’t control.
Her bed still carried his scent, and even though it was silly, she felt like he was nearby, guarding her despite everything – all the pain and grief she had caused him.
She came in and out of sleep throughout the night, alternately drifting off and then coming to in a bout of panic when she realized what she’d done.
By morning, she was exhausted. She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling as tears of loss and frustration and fear slipped silently from her eyes.
The quiet knock had her glancing at the clock on her nightstand. It was barely six in the morning, hours before Markus or Poppy would wake up, and for one heart-stopping moment as she called, ‘Come in,’ she prayed that it was Benji and that they could talk.
It wasn’t.
Her heart retreated back into despair as Markus poked his head in. ‘Did I wake you up?’
‘No.’ Sierra sat up in bed. She raised one eyebrow when she saw that he was already dressed. ‘You going somewhere?’
Markus grinned sheepishly. ‘I’m going home. Juan … he wants to talk.’
‘That’s great, Markus. I’m really proud of you.’ And wasn’t that so much more important than, ‘I’m so happy for you?’ Because he hadn’t waited around for good things to happen to him; he’d stepped up and fought for what he wanted.
‘Nothing’s fixed yet. But I have to try, you know. Maybe rewrite my own expectations for myself …’
Sierra’s throat closed as his words echoed through her.
‘I wanted to give this to you before I left.’ He pulled a framed, square photograph from behind his back. It wasn’t that big, maybe two by two feet. He held the back to her as he explained. ‘Do you remember when I said I hadn’t gotten the shot from the porch?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, of course.’
‘Well, I got it. I wanted to give it to you on Christmas but my assistant in LA had some drama picking out the right frame for it, so it only arrived last night.’ Markus rolled his eyes. ‘She claims she couldn’t find the right one, and that it was bad luck to frame it wrong.’
Sierra managed a smile. ‘Are you gonna let me see it?’
Markus flipped the picture over and held it in front of her.
Sierra had been expecting a shot of her and Benji – why else would Markus frame a photograph for her?
Only, it wasn’t. It was a black-and-white shot of her and Poppy, sitting side by side in the mud.
Poppy was crouched and focused on her task.
Wisps of her hair that had fallen out of her ballerina bun danced across her face.
But Sierra was looking at her niece, a sad smile that even she could recognize as full of longing on her face.
As her eyes filled, Markus spoke quietly, ‘I like to think that the reason we get along so well is because we’re so similar in a lot of ways.
So, I hope you understand that when I say, “What the fuck are you doing?” I say it with all the love in my heart.
’ He tapped the photo frame once. ‘Because you could have that.
Sierra, you could have everything you want.
‘And I can’t tell you what might happen,’ he continued.
‘But I can tell you that if you let him walk away today, you will lose everything anyway. You’ll lose Benji.
But you’ll lose all that possibility too.
And as hard as it is, I think that’s worse than the fear.
A life without the possibility of … love and laughter and, yes, for you,’ he tipped his head, ‘of babies.’
Sierra closed her eyes as the truth of that washed through her. If she let Benji leave, she would never have all those things – the man she loved, the kids, and the rowdy family gatherings – she so desperately wanted. And still, out of habit, she fought it. She resisted. ‘I’m scared.’
Markus sighed and placed one hand on his cocked hip. ‘Babe, I hate to break it to you: We all are.’
He leaned forward and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘I think the one thing that makes life manageable when it’s at its worst, is having other people we can lean on when things get scary.
Shit, I think having even just one person makes the difference.
And Benji is your person, Sierra. You know that.
You just have to be brave enough to accept it. ’
‘Yeah.’ There was no point in arguing. ‘He’s carried me through some pretty dark times – and I’m not talking about the baby.’
‘Your parents?’
She wasn’t sure how that ache could persist after such a long time, but it was there in her chest like some weeping battle wound that had become slowly infected until it had seeped into her bloodstream without her noticing.
‘Did you know he planned the funeral? And that he went to the County morgue t-to identify …’ Sierra rocked herself a little as she tried to stop the wild sob screaming through her soul.
‘No, but it doesn’t surprise me.’
‘And it about killed him, Markus. I saw – when he came home that day. He was … tormented. But he did it anyway – for me. And for Mav.
‘And then with Baby Girl. He tried so hard … And I couldn’t.
I know that’s difficult to understand, but …
’ She held her hands on either side of her head as if she could hold it on against the weight of her grief.
‘The pressure just got to be too much, and it felt like every time he tried to get me to face it, he only added to it, until …’
‘Until?’
‘Until I snapped a few weeks ago – the day we went wedding dress shopping for Nina and I found out she was pregnant.’
‘What happened?’
Sierra laughed, and it sounded a little hysterical.
‘He came and found me. And he stayed with me the entire night. And when I tried to make a move, he turned me down because I was drunk.’ And although she didn’t say it, wasn’t that exactly why she loved him so much?
Benji was selfless and kind and fiercely protective …
Sierra could admit, after everything that had happened, that sometimes love was not enough.
But love and commitment were. And Benji not only loved her, but had stuck with her through the storm – even when she had pushed him away.
And after everything they’d been through, the only thing that she was absolutely certain of was that she was terrified of the future, but that over the past few weeks, when that fear threatened, all she had wanted was to be sheltered by Benji.
When she was in his arms, it was manageable to contemplate.
And she was about to let him walk away.
‘Girl …’
‘I know.’ Sierra nodded slowly as the reality of it – a life without him, Benji – really dawned on her. ‘Shit.’ She gripped her hair with both hands. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit.’
Markus jumped up and down on the spot. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I … I don’t know.’ Sierra sprang from the bed with supernatural speed. ‘Clothes!’ she yelled as she stripped to her underwear without giving modesty a second thought.
Markus threw a pair of jeans that had been on the floor at her. ‘Hurry up!’
‘I’m hurrying!’ She squeezed into her jeans and slipped on her boots. Markus passed her a hoodie and it was only once it was over her head that she looked down and noticed that it was one of Benji’s.
She wasn’t one to put much stock in fate or signs, but her heart lifted a little at the symbolism.
‘Move!’
‘I’m going!’ She dashed out the room.
And then ran straight back in. ‘Could you watch Poppy until I get back? I shouldn’t be—’
‘Go!’ he laughed. ‘I’ve got Poppy.’
Sierra took off at a run. She flew out the front door where Shadow was dozing and onto the porch. The dog was up like a shot. She yipped and danced around Sierra, excited by the frantic dash.
Sierra didn’t stop when she saw the new swing, hanging from the oak tree. She smiled. And she ran faster.
She hopped into the Jeep with Shadow, started the engine, and tore off towards the barn.
It was close to six-thirty when she pulled up, but while the rest of the wranglers were working away in relative silence, bringing in the horses for the morning, feeding, grooming and mucking, Benji was nowhere to be found.
She searched the barn, running the stalls and popping her head in each one to check, but when she couldn’t find him, she stopped in the staff room, and saw Skye sitting alone, nursing a cup of coffee.
‘Hey.’
Skye looked up at her, and Sierra knew by the way the other woman’s eyes instantly shuttered that she was too late. ‘Boss.’ Skye’s greeting was chilly.
‘He left already?’
‘About five minutes ago,’ Skye replied.
Sierra reached into her pocket for her phone and then just closed her eyes when her hand came up empty. ‘Can you call him?’ Sierra asked, her tone frantic. ‘I left my phone at home.’
Skye nodded slowly. ‘Sure.’ She took her phone out, pulled up Benji’s contact, and then raised it to her ear while Sierra paced back and forth like a newly caged Mustang. After a long three seconds, she said, ‘It’s just ringing.’
‘Shit.’
A loud nicker had Sierra turning to the barn entrance.
Ty was being led out of his stall for some pasture time, but he’d obviously heard her voice because the horse was refusing to budge even as José tried to lead him forward.
He tossed his big head in excitement and tried to look back to where Sierra stood.
Slowly, in a daze, she said, ‘If he answers, tell him to wait for me.’
‘Okay. But—’
Sierra didn’t hear whatever Skye had been about to say. She ran. She snatched Ty’s lead rope from José, looped the loose end through the halter ring and tied it into makeshift reins.
‘Ah … Sierra?’