Chapter 30 #2
José clearly thought she was having a mental breakdown, but Sierra knew that the only way to catch Benji was to cut across Hunt land to the main entrance. ‘Sorry, gotta go,’ she said, and using nothing but her muscle memory, heaved herself onto Ty’s back.
It took her a good ten seconds to find her rhythm on the horse’s bare back, another five for her to find her courage, but when she used nothing but her body to push Ty into a trot down the dirt road, her heart settled.
The thirty-four odd years she had on horseback Before kicked in as if she’d never taken a break.
She stroked Ty’s mane, said, ‘We’ve got this, boy,’ and then she urged him into a canter, and then a gallop.
Skye watched Sierra and Ty gallop down the dirt road, Shadow sprinting at their side, with her mouth open. ‘Did you … Did you see that?’ she asked José. ‘She just … She just vaulted on and …’
He just laughed. ‘Yeah. She used to ride bareback all the time.’
Skye leaned against the barn door and crossed her arms over her chest. ‘I’m gonna learn how to do that.’
José shook his head on a laugh and nudged her shoulder with his. ‘I don’t doubt it.’ He sighed. ‘I really hope she convinces him to stay.’
Skye nodded, and then she picked up her phone and kept trying to call Benji.
When Benji reached the main gates, he stopped the truck and turned off the engine. He opened the door and slowly climbed out to soak in the ranch one last time.
In the horse trailer, Diablo snorted, and the sound was so indignant, so frustrated, as if the horse was saying ‘We’re going the wrong way’. Benji just tapped the side of the trailer, said, ‘I know, buddy.’
He walked to the big, iron gates, left open for guests, and glanced up at the hanging letters that proclaimed: HUNT RANCH.
His heart bled, and the whirlwind of emotions exhausted him.
He was meant to be there. Home. With Sierra.
How could he know that in his heart even as his mind rationalized that it was time to move forward, to move on?
Why did one part of him have to die just to keep the last flickering embers of himself alive?
Benji leaned both arms on the thick, wooden fence post, hung his head, and exhaled a huge breath.
This was far worse than choosing to leave his parents, who had never done much to deserve his loyalty or love.
This was choosing to leave not only the one person he’d always wanted to be with, but his chosen family too. His home.
He stood for minutes, trying to fight the sickness that the separation instilled in him. He felt tired down to his bones. His soul was fighting his feet. Even his stomach, usually so settled, was a nauseous mess.
‘You just need time,’ he reminded himself. ‘It’ll get easier.’
He climbed back into the truck and closed the door. He started the engine, put his foot on the gas and, unable to look forward yet, glanced back in his side mirror.
His first thought when he saw the cloud of dust, rising like smoke from a fire, was dust devil. He had almost convinced himself of it when he heard it – his name, shouted, accompanied by the sound of thundering hooves.
He slammed on the brakes and was out of the truck in a heartbeat. He saw her coming, galloping on Ty like some warrior huntress tracking runaway soldiers for slaughter. She was in jeans and boots and his old hoodie. Her hair flew wildly behind her. At her side, Shadow ran.
For one impossibly long moment, he watched her approach, and his heart raced in his chest. She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen – always. He watched her ride and his heart leapt with joy. Laughter bubbled up his throat.
And then she got close enough that he noticed she was galloping bareback, and his heart went cold with fear.
His laughter died. He jogged the last fifty feet between them, and when she brought Ty to a quick stop using nothing but her legs, extended in front of her, he grabbed the horse’s halter.
As soon as he had a handle of the horse, the rage came, heating his blood, and when he saw the makeshift reins, he roared, ‘What the fuck, Sierra?’
Her dark eyes widened in shock.
‘You haven’t ridden in a year, and then just decide to gallop without a fucking saddle or riding hat or goddamn reins!’ He was so mad, he didn’t see the humour flicker in her eyes or the smile tugging at her lips. ‘Idiot!’
Sierra laughed, but it was watery and a little incredulous.
Benji glared up at her, but he held the makeshift reins in a death grip, terrified that she might turn around and ride straight back out of his life. ‘Get off the horse.’
She shook her head no.
‘Sierra,’ he warned. ‘Get off, or I’ll …’
‘You’ll what?’ she responded, half taunting, half angry, he knew, over the fact that he had actually threatened her.
‘I’ll drag you off,’ he warned. ‘Don’t push me right now.’ His heart was still pumping furiously.
While it didn’t occur to Benji in his rage, if he’d paused for just a moment, he would have realized that the wild and reckless decision was resonant of Sierra-Before.
Sierra cocked her head as if gauging the probability of him actually doing it.
‘Sierra.’
‘Benji.’
‘Off.’
This time she grinned, but she slid her right leg over and dropped off the horse.
The moment her feet were on solid ground, he spun her around. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ he demanded hotly.
She tipped her face up haughtily, but when she spoke, her voice wasn’t altogether steady.
‘I was thinking: I gotta catch my man before he leaves me for good.’ When he just stared at her, trying to decide if he’d hallucinated the words, she shrugged as if it were no big deal. ‘You weren’t answering your phone.’
Benji didn’t know what to say. Of all the ways he’d thought today might end, he could never, in his wildest dreams, thought that she might come after him. ‘Si …’
‘No.’ Sierra slapped her hand over his lips, suddenly serious. ‘No. Let me go first.’ She exhaled a big breath. ‘I have things I need to say to you, and they’re not going to be easy. So … I just need you to listen, okay?’
He nodded, and she slowly lowered her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I know I’ve said those two words to you too many times in the last few weeks, but also not enough in the past year. Not for every time I’ve hurt you.
‘I’ve been so scared, so lost.’ She laughed sadly. ‘I still am. But I need you, Benji,’ she said those words he’d just been thinking. ‘I need your love and your compassion. I need your strength. Because nobody else can handle me.’
Benji wanted to stop her. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to explain herself, and that they were fated.
Inevitable. Destined. But, strangely, he remembered what Mav had told him about expecting things from her, and he remembered how things had been between them Before.
They’d been equals who had fought and loved with a balanced arsenal.
And so, instead, he said, very quietly, ‘I need things from you too, Si,’ and it was painful and hard to give her an ultimatum.
But she nodded. Her eyes, glistening with tears, about killed him. ‘Tell me.’
‘I need you to see someone. I don’t care if it’s a traditional therapist or an equine one or a goddamn hypnotist. I don’t care if you want to go to South America and do a week of Ayahuasca.
But I need you to start.’ When her first tear fell, he didn’t dare touch her.
He forged ahead. ‘I’ll go with you to every session if that’ll help. But I need you to try.’
‘Okay.’
Benji blinked, surprised by her instant acceptance. He’d expected to fight about it. ‘You’ll go?’
‘Yes.’
‘I need you to stop blowing hot and cold. It hurts too much, to be alternately allowed in and then cast aside when it gets too scary for you.’ Because she was crying fully now, he lost his own resolve and pulled her into his open jacket.
He closed it around her and shut his eyes when she wrapped both arms around him and held on tightly.
But because she hadn’t replied, he said, ‘We’re all in. Or we’re done. I can’t …’
‘I’m all in.’ She craned her neck back so that their eyes met. ‘I want to marry you.’
‘Yeah?’ he rasped.
‘Tomorrow. In court. With our family there. I don’t want to wait another day.’
Benji’s head reeled. ‘You … You want to get married – tomorrow?’
As she had once before, she threw her head back and yelled, ‘Yes!’
He laughed and tightened his grip on her as his heart raced mercilessly fast. There was a part of him that couldn’t believe it. He felt as if he were in a dream, in his ripest fantasy.
‘I have a dress already.’
That shocked him. ‘You kept it?’
Sierra nodded. ‘I think … It was the one future I could never say goodbye to. The one thing I still wanted but was too afraid to admit. I think it just hit me today. I knew, Benji. I knew we’d end up trying again, and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready,’ she admitted shakily.
‘We don’t have to try again,’ he said instantly, even though he desperately wanted to. ‘It’s not important.’
‘Yes, it is,’ she argued. ‘And if we do this again, you’re going to have to start being honest with me, Benji.
Even when it hurts. You stopped …’ She shook her head when the tears stole her voice, but as soon as she had composed herself, she tried to explain, ‘After my mom died, you were the one person who I could always trust to give me difficult truths, to meet me head-on. And then After, you stopped …’
‘I didn’t know how to help you,’ Benji whispered.
‘And it made me feel incompetent. Useless.’ He wanted her to understand that it wasn’t always easy for him, knowing where they’d each come from.
‘You’re my woman. I’m supposed to love you and protect you, and After …
I didn’t know how. And it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy, like I’d been given this chance with Sierra Hunt – and had failed at it. ’
‘It isn’t your job to fix me, Benji. It’s mine. And even though I’ll need your support, it’s going to take time. All I can promise today is that I will try.’
‘I’ll be right there with you, working on myself too.’
‘And you’ll stop comparing how we were raised and using it as a yardstick?
’ Sierra asked. When he didn’t reply right away, she added, ‘It’s stupid.
And it dishonours my parents and all the love they put into raising you.
And it dishonours you, and all the work you’ve done to become the man you are. ’
She broke him with her words. Because wasn’t that just it? Wasn’t he terrified that she’d wake up one day and see him, or maybe, see where he’d come from? ‘Si …’
‘It’s a line for me, Benji. I need you to start seeing yourself as I see you: Strong, vital, and kind. Hardworking. Loving. Supportive.’
Because he was overcome, he repeated what she’d said. ‘All I can promise today is that I will try.’
‘I have one last demand.’
Because she sounded so serious, he tensed. But because he’d still do his best for her always, he asked, ‘What is it?’
She inhaled a shaky breath, barely managed the words: ‘Can you show me the picture?’
Benji’s eyes burned. He knew that she was making that first giant leap and that she was trying to show him that she would keep her promises. ‘We can take it slow. You don’t have to—’
‘Yes. I do.’ Her face was ashen. Bloodless. Her eyes two impossibly dark pools. And even though he knew how much it cost her, she raised one hand to his face, nodded shakily. ‘Show me my baby.’
Benji released her, but only so that he could fumble for his wallet in his jeans. He pulled it out and gingerly removed the photo he’d had printed so that he could always remember. He handed it to her face down in case she decided she couldn’t do it.
But Sierra slowly tore her eyes from his. She turned the photo over, her movements achingly slow.
He’d asked Mav to take the photo before the staff had taken Her away. In it, Benji cradled their daughter with both hands as he stared down at her little round face. Her eyes were closed peacefully. Wrapped in the pink blanket, she looked like she’d just fallen asleep.
Sierra’s fingers rose to touch the image of their daughter’s face. And even though the tears fell freely down her face, she smiled incredulously, and she said, ‘How?’ She met his eyes again. ‘How did we make something so perfect?’
Benji kissed her head. He pulled her back into a tight embrace, and he whispered, ‘With love, Sierra.’