Chapter 11
I’d only intended to be out for an hour but nearly two had passed by the time I returned to the farmhouse.
‘Hello?’ I called, but there was no response.
Something smelled delicious and I opened the oven door, spotting a lasagne on the shelf, half of it gone. I’d feed the dogs then sort out my tea.
‘Grace!’ Mam exclaimed as I was dishing up a portion of lasagne onto my plate while the dogs tucked into their food. ‘I didn’t hear you returning.’
‘I called but there was no answer.’
‘I was helping Maddie make her bed. She feels bad about earlier.’
‘She specifically said that?’
‘No, but I could tell. She hasn’t named the guinea pigs yet. She wants your thoughts.’
I put my plate in the microwave and set the timer away.
‘There’s some salad too.’ Mam retrieved a bowl from the fridge and placed it on the table.
‘I shouldn’t have walked away earlier,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No need for apologies from you, sunshine. If that’s how she’s been speaking to you lately, I’m surprised you came back at all.’
‘Did you say anything to her?’
‘I told her I was surprised by her attitude and lack of manners, that I was putting it down to fatigue after a long journey and I expected to see the sunny Maddie back in the morning. She was quiet for a while and then she rang Hope to thank her for putting the houses and runs together.’
‘What’s she doing now?’
‘Having a bath. She said she felt tired and grubby after the journey so she wanted a soak and an early night before starting the big unpack tomorrow.’
The microwave pinged so I retrieved my plate and carried it to the table. Mam grabbed some cutlery for me and plonked herself down opposite me, providing an update on her progress with the unpacking while I tucked in.
‘I’d ask if you’re okay,’ she said when I put my knife and fork down and pushed my empty plate aside, ‘but it’s clear you’re not.’
‘You already know that the past couple of years with Maddie have been tough but losing Laurie…’ I sighed and shook my head. ‘I thought we were both in it forever. I still don’t understand what went wrong.’
‘You’ve asked him?’
‘So many times but he fobs me off with the classic it’s not you, it’s me which is such a cop-out.
I asked him when he realised he didn’t love me anymore and he won’t answer.
Was it years ago? Has he just been going through the motions for the whole of our marriage and the redundancy gave him the push to get out? ’
Mam cocked her head to one side, her expression sad. ‘Please don’t torture yourself like that. I don’t understand why he’s walked away but I don’t think, for one minute, that it’s been building up for years. He loved you deeply. Anyone who saw the pair of you together could see that.’
‘I thought that too but how do you go from being deeply in love to wanting a divorce when nothing in the marriage has changed?’ I sighed as a thought struck me. ‘Unless that was the problem. Maybe he felt we’d got into a rut. Maybe he was bored of me and our life together.’
‘I’m not sure speculating like this is healthy.
If you want answers, the only person who can give you them is Laurie.
And if he’s not willing to talk, you either need to tell him how badly the lack of insight is affecting you and demand he’s honest with you – no matter how hurtful the truth might be – or you have to let it go, just as you’ve had to let him go.
’ She pushed back her chair. ‘I’ve got something for you. Give me a minute.’
I loaded my plate and cutlery into the dishwasher while she was gone and wiped down the table. She returned holding a picture, the hanging side facing me.
‘I had this made.’
She turned the picture round and handed it to me.
Watercolour illustrations of three people – clearly recognisable as Mam, Maddie and me – were standing in a huddle beside the sign to the farm.
Nova and Skye were sitting beside us, Clemmie was draped over the sign and Maddie was holding Bubble and Squeak.
The caption read: Let the Adventure Begin!
‘This is amazing. Where did you get it?’
‘I commissioned it from a young artist at Alnwick market.’
‘Thank you so much. I love it. And I love that you’ve used adventure. I said that to Maddie earlier and she said she wasn’t six, but I think it’s the perfect word for what we’re doing.’
‘So do I. You can have an adventure at any age. Look at me! Sixty-six, starting over and giddy as a kipper about it.’
‘I’m so glad we’re doing this together.’
‘So am I.’
* * *
The journey had taken it out of me and, as I planned to be up really early in the morning to catch Willow, I said good night to Mam and headed up to bed shortly before ten o’clock with the dogs and Clemmie.
Laurie hadn’t allowed Nova and Skye in the bedroom and I’d respected that but the pair of them had followed me upstairs the night Laurie left and sat like sentries beside the bed as I sobbed.
Needing their unconditional love, I’d invited them to join me and, ever since, they’d filled the space Laurie had once occupied.
I used to reach for Laurie’s hand during the night but I now reached for a soft ear or paw.
They weren’t the only furry visitors. Once I was settled on my side, Clemmie usually jumped up and draped herself across me like a weighted comfort blanket.
I knocked on Maddie’s door as I passed and, when she didn’t answer, I gently pushed it open but the room was in darkness. From the light in the hall, I could see the shape of her lying on her side and whispered good night as I closed the door.
‘We’re going to be happy here,’ I said as I settled under the duvet with Nova and Skye beside me and Clemmie sprawled across me. ‘Mam and I fell in love with this place the moment we saw it and I know you three will too. Maddie just needs a bit of time but we’ll get there.’
I truly hoped we would. But, in addition to a change in Maddie’s attitude, that happiness would depend on me and whether I could do as Mam said and accept that I’d never find out why Laurie had walked out.