Chapter 12
SEVEN MONTHS AGO
When Laurie’s redundancy was confirmed and he left work in the middle of September, he did so with a substantial payout which meant there was no need for him to rush into finding a new job.
Because he’d always worked crazy hours, he hadn’t had the time for any hobbies or interests so there was nothing to fill his free time and, within days of leaving, I caught him scrolling through the job sites looking harassed.
‘There’s nothing at the same level,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to take a demotion.’
‘You don’t have to. You can bide your time, you know. Why don’t you leave the job sites alone for now and take some proper time out to think about what you want to do next? Could be time for a change of industry or even a career change. There’s no rush to decide.’
By time out, I’d meant pottering around at home but, one Friday evening in early October – three weeks after his final day – I arrived home from work to find him sitting in darkness in the lounge.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, flicking on a side lamp.
‘Just thinking. You’re right about taking some time out to think about what I want to do next but I can’t do it here – too many distractions. I’ve booked a flight to Finland.’
I laughed, assuming he was joking, but my stomach sank as I clocked his dark expression. ‘You’re serious?’
‘I leave tomorrow.’
‘How long for?’
‘I haven’t booked the return flight but I’m thinking maybe a month.’
‘A month? That’s ages.’
‘I’ve got a lot to think about.’
I was used to Laurie being away with work – often for several months at a time – and I’d supported him without complaint, but this was different. If he genuinely believed a change of scenery would help him get his head together, why not book a cottage in the UK countryside?
‘Why Finland?’ I asked.
‘Because I like it there.’
There was something about his choice of words and the way he said them that made me nervous. I felt certain he really meant because I don’t like it here. Was I one of the distractions?
While Laurie was away, I sent him a few long, chatty emails – something I’d always done when he was working abroad – but he only sent the briefest of replies and I was worried.
The weeks apart gave me plenty of thinking time too and it became obvious to me that there wasn’t just a physical distance between us; there was an emotional one too and there had been for a long time. We’d need to work on that.
Five weeks later, Laurie flew back from Finland.
From the lounge window, I watched him pull onto the drive in his car but he didn’t show any signs of getting out.
When he finally approached the house, he was empty-handed.
Leaving his luggage in the car was not a good sign.
He’d obviously made some big decisions – he wouldn’t have returned otherwise – and I had this sinking feeling I wasn’t going to like them.
I pasted a smile on my face as his key turned in the lock.
‘Welcome home!’ I declared a little too brightly as I stepped into the hall.
He nodded but he didn’t smile. ‘Is Maddie here?’
‘She’s at Alfie’s.’
‘Good. We need to talk.’
My stomach plummeted to the floor. Nothing positive ever came from a conversation preceded by those four words.
I returned to the lounge and sat down in an armchair.
It was a cold, damp November evening so I’d lit the log burner and, a little earlier, the room had felt so warm and inviting.
Watching Laurie tugging at the sleeves of his sweater, evidently nervous about what he was about to say, I felt chilled to the bone.
Laurie stood in front of the shelved alcove to the right of the log burner looking at the framed photos which depicted key moments in our twenty-seven years together from our university days to our wedding to family holidays.
‘You said we need to talk,’ I prompted when I couldn’t bear the suspense any longer.
Laurie turned to face me. ‘I had an interview while I was away and they offered me the job.’
Under normal circumstances, I’d have rushed at him with a congratulatory hug, but nothing about this was normal. I remained quiet, certain there was more to come.
‘It’s in Finland so, erm, I’m moving there at the start of December.’
A chill rippled down my spine. If my husband had accepted a job overseas without even discussing it with me, it meant my opinion didn’t matter and there was only one scenario I could think of in which that would be the case.
‘What does that mean for us?’ I asked.
His expression softened. ‘There’s no easy way to say this. I’m sorry, Grace, but it’s over.’
‘You’re leaving me?’ I could barely get the words out over the lump in my throat. ‘Why?’
‘I need a fresh start. A completely fresh start. New job, new home, new life.’
‘For your career, yes, but why everything else?’
‘Because I’m not happy and I haven’t been for a long time.’
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.
Not happy? He’d never said anything like that before.
Perhaps our marriage wasn’t all sunshine and roses like it had been in the early years and perhaps the long hours and overseas assignments hadn’t helped things, but I’d genuinely thought we were fine, solid, able to weather any storm. We just needed to reconnect a little.
‘I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow,’ he continued. ‘You’ll want to sort one too.’
‘Why?’
‘To handle the divorce.’
Another punch to the stomach. He’d actually booked an appointment to initiate divorce proceedings before he’d even spoken to me about it?
‘You can’t mean that, Laurie. Not after everything we’ve been through together. Surely we can fix this.’
He shook his head slowly. ‘It’s gone beyond that. I really am sorry.’
‘Then don’t leave!’
‘I have to.’
‘But I don’t understand. You promised me forever.’
Laurie fixed his eyes on mine, his brow knitted, his eyes full of sadness. ‘Forever’s a long time. Sometimes things change.’
‘They don’t have to.’
‘They already have. I’m sorry, but I have to do this. I’ll stay with my parents tonight – give you some space – and I’ll be in touch again after I’ve spoken to my solicitor.’
My stomach was churning and my voice sounded distant as I asked, ‘What about Maddie?’
‘We can tell her together.’
‘Tell her what? That you’re running away from us.’
Laurie sighed heavily. ‘That’s not what I’m doing, Grace.’
‘Then what are you doing because this doesn’t make any sense to me? We’ve been together for nearly twenty-seven years, married for twenty-one. That has to mean something.’
‘It does. But it doesn’t have to mean forever. I’ve got to go.’
And he walked out, leaving me with tears streaming down my cheeks and a million unanswered questions.
* * *
Laurie and I didn’t get to tell Maddie his news together. She returned from Alfie’s and asked where her dad was.
‘He’s staying with your grandparents for a few days.’
‘He’s just got home. Why would he stay with them?’
‘He, erm… he needs a bit of space.’
‘What? He’s just had five weeks in Finland. How much more space does he need?’
I didn’t know how to answer that. ‘He wants us to talk to you about it together. Tomorrow maybe?’
‘Talk about what?’
‘Why he isn’t here.’
I knew I was making a mess of this but I was still reeling from the news myself and wasn’t prepared for Maddie’s questions when I didn’t understand what was happening myself.
Maddie stared at me, her expression challenging rather than sympathetic.
If I’d been in this situation a couple of years ago, her reaction would have been so different and it broke my heart that the two people I loved the most in the world didn’t feel the same way about me.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I held Maddie’s gaze and silently pleaded with her to show some empathy.
‘Oh! Great! I knew this was going to happen,’ she cried, her expression hard. ‘You’re splitting up, aren’t you?’
I couldn’t have denied it even if I’d wanted to. It was clearly written all over my face.
‘What did you do to him?’ she demanded.
What did I do? Why did she automatically assume this was my doing?
‘Nothing!’
‘I’m going to ring him.’
So she got the news over the phone and, even though it was Laurie’s decision to end our marriage and start a new life in Finland without us, it was somehow my fault. You drove him away. You’re a nightmare to live with. You mess everything up.
I’m not sure how I’d have got through the next few weeks without Jude.
With Laurie refusing to give any substantive reasons for ending our marriage and Maddie’s ongoing hostilities towards me, I began wondering whether it really was me.
Had I driven him away? Was I a nightmare to live with?
Jude was the voice of reason, reassuring me that it definitely wasn’t me.
It helped that she’d known Laurie as long as I had – the three of us being half of a six-strong friendship group at university – and, as one of Maddie’s godparents, she’d seen her grow up so she knew all three of us really well.
‘When we met, I thought you were the friendliest and most caring person I’d ever known and you still are,’ Jude insisted.
‘It’s definitely not you. Laurie has changed, though.
He used to be so much fun but now he’s serious all the time.
I know our student days were years ago and we’ve been adulting for a long time, but being a grown up with responsibilities doesn’t mean you have to lose your sense of humour. ’
She was right. I couldn’t remember the last time Laurie and I had properly laughed together. His sense of fun and quick wit had been one of the things I’d loved the most about him but, somewhere along the way, they’d faded and I hadn’t realised.
‘As for Maddie, I’m certain it’s just a phase, not helped by who she’s hanging around with at the moment.
You didn’t drive Laurie away, Grace. He removed himself from your life and I think it might have happened years ago.
I think he gave too much of himself to his job and lost sight of everything else. ’
Everything Jude said made perfect sense but it triggered many more questions and feelings of guilt.
Had I been that wrapped up in my own life that I hadn’t noticed my husband struggling?
Why hadn’t I been aware of the laughter ceasing?
When had we stopped communicating? Jude repeatedly told me to stop absorbing the blame but I couldn’t help myself.
I was a natural-born fixer – had even built a career around it – but I’d failed to fix whatever had gone wrong in my marriage.