Chapter 17
Later that afternoon, I was in the lounge working my way through our enormous to-do list and having an initial stab at assigning priorities.
‘Maddie’s requested chicken curry and rice for tea,’ Mam said, joining me.
‘What sort of mood was she in?’
‘Not too bad. She’s nearly finished unpacking and she’s picked out some paint colours. I know it’s not a priority for the business but I think it’s a priority for our family to get her room painted. It might help her settle quicker.’
‘That’s a good suggestion. I’ll take her to Berwick in the morning.’
The farmhouse was immaculate and another example of where the Garstangs’ priorities had clearly been. The kitchen and bathrooms were modern and clean and there was good-quality wooden flooring in the lounge and bedrooms but we needed to paint a few rooms as their choice of colours was a tad garish.
‘I hope you don’t mind but I told her I’d like to get her a moving-in gift so I’ve given her some money to buy some decorative bits and bobs like fairy lights and pictures.’
‘That’s kind of you. I don’t mind at all.’
‘And I reminded her that your moving-in gift was the guinea pigs and their lovely big homes and runs.’
I smiled at her gratefully. With Mam acting as mediator, it felt like there was hope for getting Maddie back onside.
* * *
‘I’ve got a shortlist of guinea pig names,’ Maddie said as we sat down to eat a little later, her voice brighter than I’d heard in a long time. ‘I wanted to see what you both think.’
‘Fire away,’ I said, smiling at her.
‘I’ve stuck with the food theme and narrowed it down to Cookie, Mocha, Oreo, Ginger and Pickle.’
‘They’re all sweet. Do you have any favourites?’
‘Maybe Ginger and Pickle but that pairing sounds familiar and I don’t know why.’
‘Beatrix Potter,’ I said. ‘The Tale of Ginger and Pickles.’
‘Was that the one about the cat and dog who had a shop?’ she asked.
‘That’s right. Jude bought you the boxset for your christening and you loved those stories.
I must have read each book to you dozens of times but we also looked through the illustrations and made up our own stories to accompany them.
The ideas would get increasingly ridiculous and we’d be in fits of giggles. Do you remember?’
She stared at me blankly.
‘Yes, well, you were quite young.’
My memories of those books were so lovely. I hoped she’d stick with Ginger and Pickle as changing her mind about those names now would feel petty and personal and, sadly, typical of the way Maddie behaved these days.
‘Ginger and Pickle have my vote,’ Mam said, as though tapping into my thought process.
‘Mine too,’ I added.
‘I think I’ll go for Cookie and Mocha instead.’
My stomach sank and I caught Mam’s eye. From the sympathetic look she gave me, I knew I hadn’t been able to hide my disappointment.
Why share her favourite names, ask for our approval on them, then choose something different?
Maddie had evidently spotted the unspoken communication between Mam and me.
‘It was a joke!’ she cried, her voice far too loud. ‘You two need to lighten up. I’m eating in my room.’
She grabbed her fork and plate and stormed out. I sank back in my chair with a big sigh.
‘I’ll talk to her,’ Mam said.
I shook my head. ‘Not now. Let her calm down a bit first.’
I’d been really looking forward to my curry but now I didn’t have much of an appetite. I glanced at the clock on the microwave. Was it really only half six? Today seemed to have lasted about seventy-two hours so far and I wasn’t sure I could face several more.
‘Would you mind if I heated this up later?’ I asked. ‘I could do with some more air.’
‘That’s fine.’
‘I’m sorry I’ve dragged you into our family drama.’
Mam gave me an encouraging smile. ‘I’m family too and we’ll navigate our way through it together. It’s only the first full day. Give it a week and I’m sure we’ll start to see a difference.’
The dogs had already had a long walk today, racing up and down the tracks while Mam and I toured the farm, so I left them with her. I hoped she was right about things changing within a week as, after nearly two years of this, I wasn’t sure how much more I could stand.
As soon I left the farmhouse and breathed in the cool early-evening air, I felt much calmer.
Being outside had always had that effect on me and made me question now why I’d ever gone down the sports therapist route when farming and animals were in my blood and called to me in this way.
But if I hadn’t gone down that route, I wouldn’t have gone to university, I wouldn’t have met Laurie and I wouldn’t have had Maddie.
Despite current hostilities, I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
Feeling melancholy, I decided to start with a visit to the pygmy goats who lived in a large stone barn by the farmyard.
As soon as I approached their pen, six of the goats bounded over to me.
The remaining one was standing on a large wooden reel placed on its end but it jumped down and joined the others the moment I removed the lid from a nearby bucket of feed.
I scooped up pellets in both hands and turned to the goats.
There was something so soothing about handfeeding animals, their warm tongues lapping up the food from my outstretched flat palm.
‘I’m really sorry I don’t know who’s who,’ I said as I offered out a second helping. ‘Anna told me your names but didn’t provide any photos to identify you. I’ll ask Willow tomorrow if she knows.’
During our viewing, Anna had told us she’d been a huge fan of the glamorous 1980s US drama series Dallas and Dynasty so she’d named the goats after some of the main characters – JR, Bobby, Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie from Dallas and Blake, Krystle and Alexis from Dynasty.
Mam, also a fan, had loved those names and we could both imagine them massively appealing to certain generations of visitors.
When it became apparent I wasn’t going to give them any more food, the goats lost interest in me and went back to playing.
I leaned on the railings and watched their antics for a while, revelling in how calm I felt in their presence.
Pygmy goats were far too active for the type of animal-based therapy I usually undertook but they still had a powerful role to play as joy-bringers.
I left the goats and headed to Big Field to see the female heavy horses. Gladys was grazing at the top of the pasture and joined me at the gate. The liver tail and mane contrasting against her gleaming red-gold coat made for such a striking appearance.
‘Hello, Gladys. Beautiful, aren’t you?’ As I stroked her neck, I relaxed further.
Duchess came over to join us and nuzzled against Gladys before stretching out her neck in my direction for a scratch.
Willow had told me this morning that Gladys had been timid and uncertain when she arrived but Duchess had assumed the role of protector.
I loved seeing the bonds animals had with each other and it always made me think about the friendship group that had always meant the world to me – the group of six from university.
As Duchess tossed her head and walked away with Gladys following her, my phone rang with a FaceTime request from Jude.
‘I was just thinking about you,’ I said.
She smiled at me. ‘Twin telepathy at work again.’
It was an in-joke since our university days.
Jude and I had had such a similar way of thinking that we’d frequently finished each other’s sentences, leading our friend Adrian to affectionately refer to us as the twinnies, convinced we had twin telepathy.
The similarity didn’t stop there either.
From behind, we were often mistaken for each other as we were the same height and build – great for sharing clothes over the years – and we both had long reddish-brown hair, although Jude’s was wavy and mine was curly.
Once we turned round, there was no resemblance at all.
I had brown eyes, a square jaw, strong cheekbones and freckles whereas Jude had blue eyes, a heart-shaped face and was freckle-free.
‘I was thinking about the six of us on the way home yesterday,’ I told Jude. ‘I cried when I spotted Towers, thinking about how much has changed over the years.’
In a flat landscape with hardly any high-rise buildings, the halls of residence where Laurie, Jude, Adrian, Erica, Ned and I had met could be clearly seen from the motorway when travelling north.
‘Hasn’t it just?’ Jude said. ‘I remember how worried you were that we’d lose touch after we graduated, but the friendship stayed as strong as ever for a long time.’
‘Except now it’s just you, me and Ned.’
‘The best half of the group.’ It was said jokingly, but I knew that the changes to our friendship group hurt her as much as me.
When Laurie proposed to me at our graduation ball, it was the perfect finale to three incredible years at Loughborough University.
The six of us had ended the evening sitting on the grass outside the student union building dressed in our ballgowns and tuxedos with pints of Purple Nasty – the university’s signature drink of half cider, half lager and a splash of blackcurrant – toasting the future.
‘Where do we reckon we’ll all be in twenty years’ time?’ Erica had asked.
Adrian joked that he’d be a billionaire sailing around the world on a luxury yacht and Ned tried to convince us we’d be living on Mars but the one thing we all hoped for was to find love and happiness.
Jude, Ned and Adrian were single at that point and, although Erica had a boyfriend, she wasn’t convinced they’d last beyond the summer.
Erica and Ned had graduate jobs lined up in London, Jude was staying on to do her PGCE, and Adrian was going travelling because he wasn’t convinced he wanted to do anything with his economics degree.
‘You two have it all sussed already,’ Adrian had said, looking at Laurie and me. ‘You’ve got great jobs lined up, somewhere to live, and you’ve found the one. Cheers to having the Midas touch!’
I wasn’t sure about the Midas touch but I was a big planner and I’d loved that our future was mapped out.
‘By the time you two are thirty, I predict two point four beautiful kids,’ Jude said.
‘You’ll live on a farm full of rescue animals cos you’re suckers for strays,’ Ned added.
‘And be happy together forever and ever,’ Erica concluded.
Gazing down at the small but perfect diamond on my engagement ring, I’d believed that Jude’s and Erica’s predictions would come true but it seemed Ned had nailed it instead. Except for the part where Laurie would be living on the farm with me.
‘I’m sorry seeing Towers again made you cry,’ Jude said, bringing my thoughts back to the present. ‘It’ll probably set me off when I drive past it too. What are you doing right now?’
‘I’m with the horses.’ I panned the camera round the field so she could see them.
‘I can’t wait to visit and see it for real. I won’t keep you long but I wanted to check in and make sure you’re okay after this morning’s shock news.’
‘It’s not ideal, but we’ll be fine. Thanks for cheering me up and for sending me the info from Companies House. It was really helpful. How was work?’
‘Grim. That ridiculous man has suddenly started calling me June. He knows my name’s Jude.
He’s been calling me that for eight months.
I let it go the first time – easy slip of the tongue – but he’s been doing it all week.
He did it in front of a new client so I corrected him and he tore a strip off me later for embarrassing him in front of them.
I’m desperate to get away from him. My fortnight off can’t come soon enough. ’
‘Pointless power games again,’ I said, my heart going out to her. ‘Next week will fly by and you’ll be able to put him out of sight, out of mind.’
After we said goodbye, I wished I’d been able to say, Tell Ross Langley where to stick his job and come and work for me, but it wasn’t an option.
Mam and I had already discussed it and, much as we’d have valued Jude’s experience and expertise, we couldn’t pay her a wage commensurate with it – or at least not until significantly down the line when we’d (hopefully) be turning a good profit.
Athena had wandered over to the gate so I stroked her neck, reflecting on Maddie asking why I was crying when we drove past Loughborough yesterday.
‘Because I can see Towers which is where I met and fell in love with your dad, which makes me sad.’
‘Then why did you leave him?’
‘I didn’t leave him, Maddie. He left me. You know that.’
‘Because of you.’
I’d shot my head round, stunned at the accusation. ‘No! I did nothing wrong.’
‘You’re sure? Something must have happened to make him leave.’
‘It didn’t. Your dad wanted to start over without me and nothing was going to change his mind so I had to accept that despite it not being what I wanted.’
‘If it wasn’t what you wanted, why didn’t you fight for him?’
I’d glanced across at her once more, curious as to whether her expression was angry, confused or something else, but I’d been unable to read it.
‘I tried but, like I say, he’d already made his decision.’
‘Did you even love Dad?’
‘Of course I did! I gave him my heart when I was eighteen and I thought he’d keep it safe forever but he broke it.’
‘Does it hurt?’
‘Every single day.’
She’d put her earbuds back in after that, conversation over.
I spotted Caleb running along the track between the pastures with Scampi scampering alongside him. I expected him to slow down as he approached and perhaps even stop to ask how I was faring after fainting this morning but he didn’t. He ran straight past with nothing more than a nod as a greeting.
‘That was a bit rude,’ I said, focusing my attention back to Athena. ‘Is he always in a grump?’
Athena rested her head against my shoulder and I took that as the affirmative. Oh well, Caleb was my tenant and we didn’t need to be friends for that arrangement to work, although I’d have preferred it if we were. I hated disharmony.