Chapter 26
I woke up earlier than usual the following morning, panicking that we’d lost Clemmie.
Relief flowed through me at the sight of her curled up at the end of the bed, fast asleep.
She seemed to have come through her ordeal relatively unscathed.
Her cut wasn’t deep and would heal before long but was the fractured relationship between Maddie and me capable of healing?
The anger I felt had dissipated overnight and I was ready to calmly discuss what had happened.
I wouldn’t come down hard on her for letting Clemmie out.
It hadn’t been deliberate and she’d likely punished herself enough already, but it had been careless and thoughtless and I had to get to the bottom of her behaviour change for all our sakes.
With thoughts swirling round my mind on how best to tackle that conversation, there was no chance of drifting back to sleep so I took Nova and Skye for a walk around the farm before Willow arrived.
Light showers were forecast for this afternoon and I could already see the rainclouds forming over the distant Cheviots.
Later that morning, as Mam and I ate breakfast together, I told her what I’d learned from Caleb last night. Like me, she was disgusted by the way the Garstangs had treated their daughter, their lackadaisical approach to the business and the way they’d abandoned Scampi.
‘I’ve been thinking about what Caleb said about the lack of staff being a big problem and we don’t want to fall into that trap.
We know it could take a while to entice visitors back to the café and the horses but we need to show the ones who do come that we’ve got enough staff to run the place properly or they won’t return. ’
‘Fair enough,’ Mam said, nodding. ‘What are you thinking?’
‘Willow mentioned a few days ago that she’s been looking for a summer job.
She wanted to assure me she wouldn’t let it interfere with her early shifts here.
She hasn’t found anything yet but I’m thinking we should offer her a full-time job here.
We know she’s reliable and hard working.
She’s confident around the heavies so I can’t imagine she’d be jittery around the cows and… What are you smiling at?’
‘You! You don’t need to sell Willow to me. I think it’s a great idea as long as she’s happy to flex between the café and the animals.’
‘I’m sure she will. I’ll ring her later.’
Maddie didn’t appear so I made her a mug of tea and collected Clemmie from my bedroom. Somehow I managed to balance the cat and mug to knock on Maddie’s door and turn the doorknob. She was already awake, scrolling through something on her phone.
‘I’ve brought you a tea and a visitor,’ I said, placing the mug on her bedside drawers before handing Clemmie over.
Maddie cradled Clemmie like a baby and stroked her tummy.
‘I know you’re angry with me,’ she said, her voice shaky, ‘but I promise you I didn’t do it deliberately. You have to believe me.’
‘I do believe you but we need to talk and you need to be honest with me about what’s going on with you because we can’t continue like this. I’ve asked – begged – you to open up and you’ve pushed me away every time. It ends now. I’m not leaving this room until you talk to me.’
‘About what?’
‘Anything.’
When she shrugged, head down, I had to bite my tongue to stop me reeling off a long list of things that I thought she needed to explain starting from her first week in sixth form right through to last night’s disaster.
But I knew better than to influence the path the conversation took. Silence was a powerful tool.
‘You really believe me that I didn’t let Clemmie out deliberately?’ she asked eventually.
‘I really believe you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I know you and, even though you’ve continuously lashed out at me for the past two years, you’re not someone who’s cruel to animals.’
‘I thought you’d think it was intentional.’
‘Why would I think that?’
‘Because I know I haven’t made the move easy. I wouldn’t talk to you in the car, I haven’t helped on the farm, I screwed up the painting, I’ve upset you and Nanna.’
She looked up at me as though she wanted me to dismiss all those things as being all right but they weren’t. She wasn’t a small child working out the difference between right and wrong. She was nearly eighteen and should have known better.
‘So tell me what’s making you behave that way.’
She hung her head again and several uncomfortable minutes passed. Evidently silence wasn’t going to be effective in this case.
‘I’m worried about you, Maddie. I understand that you didn’t want to move away from the village you’ve lived in all your life and I understand that you’re hurt by what Alfie and Carmen did, but you’re going to have to let go of your anger because this is no way to live your life. Are you happy like this?’
‘No.’
‘Were you happy in Twyford recently? Be honest.’
‘No.’
‘Then what can we do together to make you happy here? How can Nanna and I help you?’
At the sight of fat tears trickling down Maddie’s cheeks, a huge lump formed in my throat and I just wanted to grab her in a bear hug but we had to talk first, painful as it was.
‘I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be so angry and moody but I can’t seem to help myself. I feel really anxious all the time.’
‘What specifically is making you feel anxious?’
Silence.
‘Come on, Maddie. You have to help me help you. Yes, the move caused upheaval and you had your exams before that, but nothing you’ve done since we got here has been stressful. Well, apart from trying to paint the ceiling with Tipp-Ex.’
That drew a small smile.
‘Nanna and I have done our best to give you space and let you ease into your new life here. Can’t you see that?
We need your help on the farm but we haven’t pushed it.
You’ve decided against going to university but I haven’t pressured you into making any big decisions about what to do instead.
I haven’t even asked you to confirm you want a summer job here or pushed you to look for another one.
So please help me understand what’s causing you anxiety and we’ll work through it together. ’
‘I can’t tell you.’
‘So you know what it is? Look at me, Maddie. You’re saying you do know why you’re anxious?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘You don’t have a choice.’
‘Leave it, Mum! You can’t help me.’
‘Help you with what?’
‘The thing that’s making me anxious. Everything’s such a mess.’
I pushed down hard on the lump in my throat. It broke my heart seeing my baby girl so distressed and, even worse, bottling it up and not telling me what was going on.
‘Every mess can be tidied up.’
‘Not this one. It’s too late.’
‘What is? You’re scaring me. What’s going on?’
She raised her eyes and her lips trembled as she said in a small voice, ‘I’m pregnant.’