Chapter 36
When I went downstairs the following morning, I’d hoped to find Maddie waiting for me in the kitchen like she had on Saturday morning, but all was quiet. I waited for five minutes but, with no sounds of anyone moving about upstairs, I took the dogs outside.
The forecast was for another beautiful sunny day and, despite the air already feeling warm, I felt chilled to the bone.
Mam had returned to the kitchen last night, shaking her head.
Through her tears, Maddie had told Mam that she was devastated to have jumped to the wrong conclusion and the impact of that on everyone but it was all too overwhelming right now.
She needed to be left alone for the rest of the evening and possibly even the rest of the week to sort through the tangle of feelings.
None of us liked the idea of her hiding away in her bedroom crying her heart out but we had to respect her wishes.
Putting ourselves in her shoes at her age, we concluded we’d probably feel the same.
But I had held out some hope that, after the initial shock had worn off, she’d be eager to make amends.
Having said that, if she had joined me first thing, we couldn’t have talked as Willow would be around.
Perhaps she’d wait until after Willow’s shift and we could talk before the farm opened for visitors.
* * *
Day two at Hazelwick Farm Animal Encounters saw double the visitor numbers.
Our first customers had had the farm recommended by a neighbour several years ago for if they ever had grandchildren so they’d brought their young grandson with them.
Sisters Becca and Gabby returned with a couple of friends and their small children and they all had lunch, keeping Mam and Willow occupied for a while.
A woman who looked to be in her sixties came by herself in the afternoon but clearly wanted to spend quiet time with the horses rather than chat, and we had a young couple with a toddler arrive mid-afternoon.
They were staying in a static caravan on the coast and had found our website after searching online for things to do with young children in the area.
‘Verdict on day two?’ Jude asked as we leaned against the gate to Big Field. There was still an hour until we closed but everyone had left and we doubted there’d be any more visitors.
‘Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and there’s excellent feedback on the food. Lindon’s obviously got the techie wizardry right on the website if it came up in that couple’s search, so that’s good.’
‘But…?’ she prompted and I knew why. The delivery of my summary had been close to monotone.
‘It isn’t a but about the farm… or is it?’
Jude unlatched the gate, pushed it open and swooped her hand, indicating that I should step into the pasture.
‘Therapy time,’ she declared. ‘This is your talent – not mine – but I’ll do my best. Choose your horse.’
Demeter, our grey Shire horse, was nearby, looking at us curiously.
Having spent so much time in their company over the past fortnight, I’d already earmarked her as one of my favourites for when I launched animal-assisted therapy.
She had the most patient temperament and every move she made was soft and gentle.
I stood still, my eyes fixed on hers. She took a few steps closer so I did the same and we repeated that until I was beside her.
‘Hi, Demeter,’ I said, stroking her neck.
She released a soft whinny before turning and placing her head against me.
I stopped stroking but kept my hand on her neck, my head against hers, and closed my eyes.
Breathing in and out slowly, I focused on the warmth of her body, the softness of her hair, the tranquillity of our surroundings and, pretty soon, a feeling of peace flowed through me.
‘Tell me what you’re thinking,’ Jude asked when I opened my eyes.
‘So many things.’ My head had been a jumble of them but a few minutes with Demeter and I could think so much straighter now. ‘The main thing is I’m worried about Maddie.’
None of us had seen her today. I’d gone over to the farmhouse at lunchtime but found a note on the kitchen table saying she’d gone for a bike ride on her own and would be back for tea.
There’d been no indication of how she was feeling but I took the act of leaving a note – and the information within it – as a sign that she’d listened yesterday, had learned from it and was willing to turn over a new leaf.
‘That’s understandable after what happened yesterday,’ Jude said. ‘Anything in particular?’
‘Just a general worrying about how she’s coping with the fallout. I know there’s nothing I can do about it until she’s ready to talk so I should let it go, but it’s not easy knowing she’s blaming herself for this mess. I’m hoping she’ll talk and then let us all draw a line under it and start over.’
‘So a bit of patience is going to be needed there. What else is on your mind?’
‘Laurie. For a fleeting moment yesterday, I thought I’d discovered the reason why he’d left me – that he thought I’d cheated on him. But Maddie didn’t show him the video and, if she had, he’d have confronted me about it.’
Jude nodded. ‘Especially if he’d recognised Ned.’
I stepped back so I could stroke Demeter’s back. ‘I wish I could let go of this but I can’t. I need a reason and I know there has to be one because it’s Laurie we’re talking about. He never does anything without there being a valid reason – it’s the way his logical mind works.’
‘Yeah, I agree with you there. Something has to have happened and he’ll have analysed it and made a considered decision based on that.’
‘But what?’ I asked, shrugging. ‘I’ve been mulling over that university bubble thing and I’ve had another thought. Do you think Laurie could have been more affected by Adrian’s death than he let on?’
Jude’s brow creased. ‘It’s possible. They were really close. But how would you go from that to him leaving you?’
‘I can’t decide if it’s a huge stretch or a logical leap so bear with me.
What if the uni bubble burst with Adrian’s death?
What if Laurie – Mr I love Loughborough – felt his loss even more than the rest of us and he pulled away as a self-preservation thing before anyone else left the bubble?
Ned and Erica splitting up made it easier to withdraw from them and, of course, you and Laurie never went out on your own.
So the only one left to pull away from was me.
What if he did that so effectively that he woke up one day and realised he didn’t love me anymore? ’
Jude teased her bottom lip with her teeth, evidently mulling this over. ‘You could be onto something there but I’m not sure about the timing. This November, it’ll be six years since we lost Adrian but Ned and Erica only separated two years ago.’
I wrinkled my nose. I hadn’t thought about there being such a big gap.
‘Plus, if it was connected to Adrian, why wouldn’t he just tell you? It might have been an emotional conversation – especially for someone who doesn’t do emotional – but surely it wouldn’t have been as hard as the I want a divorce one.’
I sighed heavily and pressed my forehead against Demeter’s side, scrunching my eyes shut. ‘Maybe it is a stretch.’
‘Why’s it so important to you to know why he left?’ Jude asked after a while.
A feeling of clarity flowed through me. I opened my eyes once more, stood up straighter and resumed my stroking.
‘Because he promised me forever and he didn’t give me it.
I know marriages fall apart and forever doesn’t happen for everyone, but there’s always a reason why things end.
I need one. I liked being married and I’d like to think that, one day in the future, I’ll meet someone special and do it again.
But if it was me who did something wrong, I don’t want to give my heart to someone else and do that same thing wrong. Does that make sense?’
‘It makes perfect sense, but Laurie told you it was him, not you.’
‘I know, but was that just a line? He’s not a cruel person – or at least I didn’t think he was – so I could see how his logical mind would say I’ve already hurt her by calling time so best not to hurt her more by telling her all the things she’s done wrong.
’ I groaned. ‘Oh, my God, Jude! If one of my clients said these things in a therapy session…’
‘It’s never so easy when it’s happening to you and that’s why we speak to friends, family or therapists when we’re in turmoil.
They’re the ones who can take a step back and help us see the bigger picture when we’re battling with the myriad of emotions.
So, as your friend rather than your therapist, I’ll give you some advice.
Get in touch with Laurie and tell him this is killing you and he needs to give you a reason, no matter how hurtful it is to hear.
Do it now. Don’t wait until things have settled down here because I’m not sure they ever will.
Do it before the cows arrive on Tuesday. ’
‘But I don’t want to speak to him. I don’t want anything more to do with him.’
‘Then you can’t get your answers because he’s the only one who has them.’
I raked my fingers through my hair. ‘Why does it have to be so hard?’
‘Welcome to adulting! You’re going to have to find a way to force the reason out of him or get comfortable living in blissful ignorance.
Although that’s not going to be easy for you because, not only are you a fixer, you’re someone who needs to know that you didn’t create the problem in the first place. ’
She had me described to a tee. I couldn’t bear to think that something I had said or done had caused anyone any pain which was why I was struggling to accept no explanation from Laurie and why I’d found it so hard to accept Erica pulling away.
Demeter shook her mane and wandered away, as though recognising her job had been done.
‘Another horse?’ Jude asked.
I smiled at her. ‘I’m okay, thanks. That quiet moment was invaluable for untangling everything going on up here.’ I tapped the side of my head.
‘You said there might be a problem connected to the farm whirling round up there too?’ Jude prompted as we made our way towards the gate.
‘Oh yeah! Not a problem as such but more of a wondering. I was watching that young couple with their little boy earlier and he looked like he was terrified of the horses. He clung to his dad and wouldn’t even look at them.
Obviously he had no idea they’re incredibly gentle but it got me thinking about the animals here.
We’ve got the cows coming and, even though the cuddling experiences will be adults only, regular visitors will be able to see them in the fields between sessions.
But they’re big too. What if we had some smaller animals that children could have a proper hands-on encounter with like guinea pigs?
We could run a cuddle and chat session a few times a day. Do you think that’d be popular?’
‘I think kids would love that – especially those who are intimidated by the bigger animals. And I can think of someone who’d love to run guinea pig handling sessions.’
I nodded. ‘She’s said several times that she’s nothing to do with the farm but this could be a great way of making her feel part of it while doing something she loves.’
‘I think you could take it even further.’ Jude closed the gate behind us. ‘Give her the full responsibility to set it up – everything from designing their pens to sourcing and breeding the guinea pigs to developing a talk about them.’
‘That would be a great project for her. Ooh! Maybe we could invite Ned over to give her a few project management tips.’
Jude gave me a gentle shove. ‘Don’t you dare!’
As we wandered across to the café to see how Mam’s afternoon had been, I felt lighter. It was incredible how much calmer a person could feel after spending some quiet time with animals. They were the best healers in the world.