Chapter 37
On Friday morning, Willow had just left and I was sweeping the floor in the stables when Maddie appeared with a tray containing two mugs of tea and two bacon butties.
‘Peace offering?’ she asked, her expression uncertain.
I propped the brush against the wall and smiled at her. ‘Of course! I like your choice of mug.’
She’d made my drink in a yellow mug with a big daisy on one side and the message Love you, Mum on the other.
It had been a gift for Mother’s Day when she was fourteen and I used to drink from it all the time but, after the troubles began, it disappeared.
I’d searched high and low and, months later, I found it pushed to the back of one of the top shelves behind some rarely used loaf tins and a tub of ceramic baking beads.
I’d cried when I found it – with relief that it hadn’t got broken or lost and with sadness at the meaning behind deliberately placing it there.
‘I should never have hidden it,’ she said.
I hadn’t expected a confession but I appreciated it. ‘You were hurting. You thought I’d done a terrible thing. Should we sit outside?’
We settled on a grassy patch near the stables and tucked into our butties. I hoped Maddie’s presence today meant she was ready to talk but I knew better than to push it.
‘Did you make these?’ I asked. ‘They’re delicious.’
‘I did them in the oven instead of the grill. I saw a TikTok saying the bacon’s better that way.’
‘I’ve always used the grill but I have to say, this is so much tastier. Thank you.’
‘Tiny bit of ketchup too,’ she said.
‘Exactly how I like it. And I bet you have half a bottle on yours.’
Smiling, she lifted the top of one of her butties, revealing an enormous dollop of the stuff smothering the bacon.
‘That’s so not the way to enjoy a bacon butty,’ I ventured, my tone teasing.
‘It totally is. That pathetic little scraping you have isn’t worth the effort of squeezing the bottle.’
The lightness in her voice made those words sound like playful banter rather than an insult. I’d missed that so much.
‘You look more relaxed today,’ I said.
‘I feel it. Been a tough couple of days… weeks… years!’
I nodded. ‘I’m listening whenever you’re ready to talk.’
‘I’m ready when I’ve finished this.’
The next bite of my butty tasted like heaven, so strong was my relief.
Butties finished and fingers wiped, we remained on the grass, our hands cradled round our mugs.
‘I’ll go backwards,’ Maddie said. ‘Might be easier. You asked where I’ve been and who with.
I’ve had quite a few headaches recently and, before you panic, I know it’s cos I was getting no air.
I felt so much better after being outside on Saturday morning so I decided to cycle to Rowanbridge after lunch.
It was smaller than I expected but it’s cute.
I liked the craft huts. I went to Mapleton next and they had one of those free book libraries so I got a book and sat by the river to read but there was a series of small waterfalls and some ducks swimming near them so I watched them instead.
‘I was going to cycle back to the farm after that but there was a ruined castle and you didn’t have to pay to get in so I sat on a bench in the grounds reading.
I completely lost track of time and realised I wasn’t going to make it back for tea so I spent the evening by the river with a packet of crisps and a Crunchie. ’
‘Aw, Maddie, you should have just come home.’ The thought of her being all alone with only junk food to eat broke my heart.
‘I was okay. I needed the time to myself to do something I should have done months ago – scroll through my phone and delete all the photos of Carmen and Alfie.’
‘Did that feel good?’
‘It was epic. And then I came back and it felt a bit weird saying I’d spent all that time on my own cos it’s not something I usually do. That thing about going to Willow’s just came out. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied or dropped Willow in it.’
‘Don’t worry about Willow. She has no idea you told me you were with her.’
Maddie gave me a grateful smile before continuing.
‘On Sunday, I checked out Birchwood Rigg and watched the train then cycled round the countryside just thinking. I was hoping to make some decisions about what to do next cos there’s no way I’ll get the grades for York or Warwick, but I couldn’t get my head sorted. ’
I felt a flicker of disappointment that she’d explored the whole of Triple Trees without me.
I’d hoped we’d do that together. I hadn’t really had the time but, if Maddie had expressed even the slightest bit of interest, I’d have found some.
I wasn’t going to voice my thoughts, though.
The most important thing here was that she’d been interested enough to get out and explore and – bonus – she hadn’t hated it.
‘Anyway, Hunter messaged me to say he was going to a pub for a mate’s birthday and, cos he knew I didn’t know anyone round here, he thought it’d be a chance to meet some people my age. He picked me up at the track end and dropped me off there afterwards. He wasn’t drinking, by the way.’
‘I’d like to think you’re sensible enough never to get into a car with someone who has been.’
‘It wasn’t a date either before you get any ideas.’
‘But you’d have liked it to be,’ I said gently, noting the way her cheeks flushed and how she lowered her eyes as she spoke.
‘He’s cute. I think he likes me but it’s not fair to get into anything in case I manage to get somewhere through Clearing.’
‘You’re thinking you’ll give that a try?’
‘I might. I’ve been looking at other unis – spent Monday at Mapleton Castle again scrolling through my options – and I’ve got a list of possibles I’d like to go through with you at some point.’
‘Any evening works for me. And dare I ask what you’d be studying?’
‘Psychology or psychology with counselling. I shouldn’t have said that about not wanting to be like you but I thought you’d cheated on Dad and, after Alfie and Carmen cheated on me…’ She grimaced as she tailed off.
‘That’s why you ramped up the attitude after you caught them together – because you knew how much it hurt to be on the receiving end.’
‘And that was after only six months as Alfie’s girlfriend. You’d been with Dad for decades.’ She put her empty mug down on the grass.
‘I do get you mistaking Jude from me – especially when it was from a distance and she was wearing my jacket – but did you really think I was capable of doing that to your dad?’
She shrugged. ‘Something had changed between you. You used to laugh all the time but you didn’t anymore. He worked away so often and, when he was back, you never went out together. It was like you’d given up on each other.’
Maddie noticing what I hadn’t was hard to hear.
‘Carmen didn’t get on with her parents,’ she continued.
‘You should have seen them, Mum. They behaved like they were in some weird game where the objective was to see who could hurt the other the most using money, Carmen and other partners as weapons.
Because of that, Carmen believed that no parent should ever be trusted.
When I told her how close we were and how we shared three things every day, she said I had to stop it cos it gave you too much information and too much control over me.
‘The day we saw Jude and Ned, we had a couple of free lessons so we’d caught the train into Reading to wander round the shops.
Carmen wanted to know all about you. I think she was after something to use against you so that, when she slagged her mum off, I could join in by dissing you and, of course, we spotted you kissing another man – or thought we did.
She suggested I do another three things with you that night and, if you lied about your day, it would be further proof that parents can’t be trusted. ’
She continued to tell me about some of the things Carmen had done.
It was incredibly uncomfortable hearing how Carmen took every opportunity to turn Maddie against me and how Maddie was so angry with me for allegedly cheating on Laurie that she let her.
I had been right about Carmen’s many compliments being mickey-takes – Maddie shared that the pair of them would giggle about it afterwards.
I wasn’t angry with Maddie. How could I be when she thought I’d betrayed our family and she had the devil sitting on her shoulder influencing her every move?
‘I’m raging with myself for being so gullible,’ Maddie said.
‘I don’t think the things Carmen said and did were ever really about you.
I think it was about her own toxic relationship with her mum and wanting someone to talk to who was going through the same thing.
I kind of feel sorry for her now. Hattie messaged last week and said Alfie’s ditched Carmen and nobody wants anything to do with her cos of what she did to me. ’
‘You’re not going to get in touch with her, are you?’
Maddie shook her head. ‘I might feel sorry for her but I’m not stupid.
At a push, I could have forgiven her for the stuff about you cos most of it was triggered by what we thought we saw in town, but I could never forgive her for seeing Alfie behind my back.
The thing is, if she’d given me even the slightest clue that she liked him, I’d have backed off and let them get on with it. ’
‘Where does this leave us?’ I asked.
‘I can’t undo what I’ve done. I’m really, really sorry but it doesn’t feel enough.
I’ve been thinking about what the past year must have been like for you.
Dad walked out, made you sell the house and you lost your job.
That’s a lot to deal with all at once and, instead of being sympathetic, I made it worse. ’
‘I understand where your attitude came from now, though. You thought I’d done something really bad.’
‘But you hadn’t and I never gave you the chance to explain that. And even if you had done it, I had no right to judge you without having the full story. Anyway, I can see now how badly you needed this fresh start and I can see why you picked here. It’s very you.’
‘I didn’t just choose it for me. I chose it for you – or the Maddie you were before Carmen.’
She nodded. ‘I see that now too. It’s growing on me.
I love the horses, obviously, and the goats are funny.
I’m really looking forward to the cows arriving – can’t wait to cuddle them again.
But it’s not just the farm. I like the villages too.
I’ve loved cycling again and sitting in the castle grounds and by the river with a book.
It’s been so long since I read a book and I’ve missed it.
And I do want to be part of your new business.
I like what Nanna said about three generations of women working together.
Instead of waiting till Wednesday, can I start my job here today? ’
‘Really? Oh, Maddie, we’d love that.’
I put my arm around her shoulders, she rested her head against mine and we sat there for several minutes while my heart filled with joy that I’d just had a long conversation with my daughter in which she didn’t snap at me, say anything in a sarcastic tone, tut, roll her eyes or make me feel like something she’d trodden in.
‘Can I ask you something?’ she said, straightening up. ‘You said it was Dad who left you. Why did he leave?’
‘Truthfully, Maddie, I don’t know. Jude and I have been talking about it a lot while she’s been here and we have a couple of theories but we’re speculating with very little to go on.’
‘Do you think you’ll ever get back together?’
I shook my head. ‘He broke my heart and he broke my trust. The decisions he made without me and his refusal to talk about it flicked a switch inside me and I know it’ll never go back on. That’s probably not the answer you wanted to hear but I’m sure you’d rather know the truth.’
‘It’s fair enough and I would prefer you to be honest. Dad told me he wanted a fresh start and I didn’t question that cos, at the time, I thought he was protecting you after finding out you’d been seeing someone else.
It must hurt not knowing. I hated Alfie’s reason for getting together with Carmen but at least I had one. It gave me some closure.’
‘That’s where I’m struggling. I don’t want to make you think badly of your dad.
We had so many wonderful years together and I want you to have a positive relationship with him but, in the interests of not keeping secrets, it’s killing me that I don’t know why he left.
I don’t care what the reason is – big, small, weird, stupid.
Anything’s better than it’s not you, it’s me.
I long to know the specifics so I can get closure and have my proper fresh start, but I’m probably going to have to try to find a way to live without knowing.
My absolute worst fear is that one of my theories is right – that he never loved me the way I loved him and being with me was about clinging onto how happy he was at university and mistaking that nostalgia for forever. ’
‘I can see why that would be scary. It’d be like you’ve lived a fake life.’
‘Exactly.’ I sighed. ‘Is there anything else you want to talk about now or should we take this lot back to the farmhouse?’
‘I’m good for now, but I might want to talk again later.’
‘Sure. Any time you want, I’m here for you. Always have been. As your mam – not your therapist.’
She grimaced. ‘I still can’t believe I said that. Sorry. And speaking of sorry, I know I need to apologise to Nanna and Jude and Auntie Hope. I will do.’
‘I know you will.’
We set off back towards the farmhouse, Maddie carrying the tray.
‘Actually, there is one more thing. Can you help me repaint my bedroom at some point and can you help me choose the colours too? You were right about the ones I picked. They’re giving me the ick.’
I laughed. ‘We can manage that. How about we pick some colours tonight and order them in?’
It had been a good conversation and a great start to healing our relationship.
I suspected there’d be more to explore over the coming weeks and I also anticipated it wouldn’t all go smoothly.
We were both nearly two years older and (hopefully) wiser and we needed to get to know each other again, especially when so much had changed.
I was now single, we were living with my mam and I had to give high priority to our fledgling business because, if I didn’t work hard and generate a decent income, we’d find ourselves in the same position as the Garstangs, having to sell the farm.
I was already completely in love with Hazelwick Farm and my heart hurt at the thought of that happening.