Chapter 43
I felt queasy as I stared at Laurie. Why was he here? It didn’t make sense. He was meant to be in Finland.
‘Hi, I’m Laurie, Grace’s husband,’ he said, offering his hand to Caleb to shake. ‘And you are?’
‘Caleb, friend and tenant.’
‘Good to meet you,’ Laurie said in a tone which suggested meeting Caleb was anything but good. And had he just introduced himself as my husband? The nerve of him! Ex-husband. Ex.
‘Erm, I’ll catch up with you later, Grace,’ Caleb said.
‘Yeah, sure,’ I said, finally finding my voice, although it sounded croaky and as though it was coming from a distance. ‘Thanks again for letting me know about Rowan.’
He nodded then called for Scampi who was sniffing around nearby, his lead trailing behind him, presumably dropped when Caleb and I hugged. Caleb and I hugged and it felt amazing. But Laurie’s here. Why’s he here?
Caleb picked up Scampi’s lead and headed off up the track.
‘Is there somewhere private we can talk?’ Laurie asked.
‘What about?’ I winced at the impatience in my tone, but I couldn’t help myself. Seeing Laurie had not been on the agenda for today.
‘Grace! I came all this way. I don’t want to argue with you.’
I sighed heavily. ‘The farmhouse. This way.’
I felt like I was floating in a dream – a bad one – as we headed up the track together.
‘Mum!’
I looked up into Maddie’s pale face.
‘I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I didn’t know he’d just turn up. Nanna tried to warn you.’
The calls from Mam! So that’s what they were about.
‘It’s okay. We’re going to the house to talk.’ I squeezed her hand as I passed.
The walk to the farmhouse was a relatively short one but, with Laurie beside me, it felt like it was miles.
I couldn’t bring myself to make any small talk.
How’s Finland? How’s the new job? Good flight?
I just wanted him to say whatever it was he’d come to say and leave.
This was my sanctuary – my magical home – and I didn’t want him here.
Nova and Skye came running into the kitchen when we arrived and fussed around me but barely acknowledged Laurie.
Clemmie sauntered into the kitchen, took one look at him, and ran out again.
If I hadn’t been reeling with the shock at him being here, I might have laughed at the diva-like reactions from them all towards a man who’d walked out on them as well as me.
‘Tea?’ I asked, feeling I ought to be polite.
‘Coffee, please.’
Childishly wanting to convey my displeasure at his presence, I noisily set about making the drinks although it was impossible to slam a soft-close cupboard door.
‘Nice place you’ve got here. It’s very you.’
I felt rude not responding but what did he expect me to say?
We hadn’t spoken in person or even via the phone since he walked out on me in November and I could feel a ball of anger swirling inside my stomach, gaining momentum, wanting to spew forth with accusations of how much hurt and confusion he’d caused.
I didn’t want to be that person so it was better I stayed quiet for now.
‘Your coffee,’ I said, placing a mug on a coaster on the table and indicating for him to sit.
I moved to the other side, not wanting to be too close to him. He didn’t even look at the mug, which disappointed me because I’d chosen it carefully. A Secret Santa gift from work years ago, the caption read: Hurry up and finish your drink then piss off!
‘You look well,’ Laurie said. ‘You’ve caught the sun. The extra freckles always did suit you.’
‘You didn’t fly all the way from Finland to give me a compliment. Why are you here?’
‘Maddie sent me a voice note – or should that be a voice rant?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know anything about it.’
He placed his phone on the table, pressed a couple of buttons and Maddie’s voice filled the kitchen.
‘Hi, Dad, it’s Maddie. That’s your only daughter, in case you need reminding seeing as you haven’t made any effort to get in touch for weeks.
We’ve moved. I know you know that cos Mum emailed you to tell you the house had sold.
A good luck in your new home message would have been nice.
A housewarming gift would have been even better but, you know, whatever…
Mad as I am at you for being a completely useless dad recently, I’m raging even more for what you’ve done to Mum.
Or should that be what you haven’t done to Mum?
Who the hell walks out on their wife – the woman they’ve been with for twenty-seven years – without telling her why?
What is wrong with you? It’s all very well you buggering off to Finland for your new job and your new house and your new life without us, but how’s Mum supposed to get her fresh start when she has no idea why your marriage ended?
It’s not you, it’s me! Seriously, Dad! That is such a cliché.
Grow a pair and tell her why you ended it so she can finally have some closure and move on.
And if you’re not willing to do that, then we’re through cos I have zero respect for you and don’t want to spend any time with someone so self-centred. Au revoir or goodbye. It’s your call.’
‘I didn’t put her up to it,’ I said, although I loved her for doing it. ‘She didn’t tell me she’d called.’
‘She’s feisty.’
‘She is. And she’s also right. So have you come to tell me why things ended?’
‘Yes.’
‘So why did they end?’
He stared into his coffee, his brow furrowed. ‘It’s complicated. Now that I’m here…’
‘For God’s sake, Laurie, just say it.’
‘It’s not that easy.’
‘You’re the one making it difficult when it doesn’t need to be. We’ve been separated for nearly eight months now. I’ve accepted it’s over. I’m not going to beg you to try again if that’s what you’re worried about because, believe me, I have no intention of trying again.’
‘It’s not that.’
‘Then just spit it out! I thought the worst thing possible was you telling me you’re leaving me but it turns out that not knowing why is even worse.
It’s killing me inside and there’s barely a day goes by when I don’t wonder what went so badly wrong between us that you walked out on our marriage, our friendship, our family and our home without discussion, without reason, without any fight. ’
He lowered his head even further. I understood that this was hard and he was hurting but why keep prolonging it?
‘There was definitely nobody else?’ I asked, sick of the silence and wondering if some guesses might encourage him to open up.
His head shot up. ‘No. I’d never have done that to you.’
‘I believe you and I didn’t think it was the case but it was as good a place as any to start. I have a couple of theories. Should I tell you them? You can tell me if I’m close.’
When he didn’t respond, I launched into the first one.
‘You didn’t love me. You thought you did but it wasn’t really proper deep all-consuming love.’
He shook his head. ‘That’s not it.’
‘I haven’t finished. Maybe you did love me at university but, at some point after we left, that changed.
Maybe it was after we got married. Maybe it was after Maddie was born.
You didn’t want to acknowledge it because, if you lost me, you’d lose the closest connection to university that you had.
The friendship group would dissolve. It would all be different. ’
‘I promise you, that isn’t it. I loved you, Grace. I loved you at university, when we left, when we got married, when Maddie was born and beyond.’
‘You’re sure? Because it scares the hell out of me that our marriage might have been meaningless to you.’
‘How can you say that? You meant everything to me for years and I still care for you now, but…’
‘But you don’t love me. Obviously you don’t or we wouldn’t be having this conversation cos we’d still be married.’
‘Things changed, but it being over between us doesn’t mean it was meaningless to me. It just wasn’t meant to be forever. I wish it had been but it wasn’t.’
The relief I felt that it hadn’t all been fake was only momentary. Now I still felt nauseous wondering when his love for me had disappeared and how much of our marriage had been just about going through the motions.
‘So what changed?’
He was staring back into his mug. Feelings. Anything to do with feelings had always been like pulling teeth with Laurie. I was going to have to go with my second theory.
‘I think it changed when Adrian died.’
He snapped up his head once more but this time his eyes were wide and his cheeks had paled. I was onto something here.
‘I think you were hit harder by Adrian’s death than you ever let on and that grief consumed you and switched off other feelings. From the look on your face, I think I might be on the right lines.’
He gulped. ‘You are. It is about Ade, but not in the way you think.’ He cradled his hands round his mug and took a deep shaky breath. ‘It’s my fault he’s dead.’