Chapter 44 #2
‘How could I? I thought I’d let him down, that I’d made light of things at the wedding when he needed someone to properly talk to.
Ade ending his life was the trigger for everything else going wrong.
I thought he’d died because I wasn’t a good enough friend and I hated myself for it and I thought Ned, Jude and Erica would hate me too but, most of all, I thought you would.
So I kept quiet and I threw myself even further into the job because more time abroad and later nights meant less time around you and therefore a lesser risk of you finding out what a failure I was.
The problem is, the more hours I put in, the more work I got through and I earned this reputation for being incredibly quick and efficient so, of course, more work got piled on and my stress levels went through the roof.
I know it’s twisted and completely unfair but I started resenting you because I was only working those hours to avoid you and… ’ He sighed heavily. ‘Vicious circle.’
‘Which you could have broken if you’d just talked to me.’
‘When have I ever been one for talking? About anything meaningful, I mean.’
‘That’s an excuse, Laurie. That’s like I’m a man so I don’t cry or feelings are for women. Do you know how misogynistic that makes you sound? We’re all human beings and we all have emotions. They’re what connect us to each other.’
‘I know. It’s just…’ He shook his head. ‘It’s how I’ve always been. And, before you say it, I know that’s another excuse.’
We sat in silence for several minutes before I sighed heavily.
‘I’m trying to join the dots here, Laurie, and I think I’ve done it but I need to hear it from you. I need you to categorically state the reason why you walked out on our marriage without any discussion.’
He looked up at me, his expression mournful.
‘I blamed you – albeit unfairly – for the mess I’d got myself in and those negative feelings overpowered the positive ones.
Like I said all along, it was me and not you.
You did nothing wrong at all. I’m very much aware that I made a complete cock-up of our lives and that I have to learn to live with that. ’
I studied his earnest expression and believed him.
‘Thank you for finally telling the truth. I know that can’t have been easy.’
‘I should have told you sooner.’
‘You should have told me when it happened. You should have trusted in me and our marriage to let me in. It could have saved you years of anguish but we are where we are.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sorry too and I’ve got some advice for you.
I know you hate talking about feelings but what you’ve been through since Adrian died and the effect it’s had on our family is surely proof that bottling things up benefits nobody.
Speak to a professional, unpack all your complicated baggage with them, find some peace with yourself over all of this and move on.
Embrace your new life in Finland and find your way back to happiness. Do you think you can do that?’
‘I can try.’
I took a final gulp on my drink. ‘I need to get back to work now. You can stay here for a bit and make yourself another cuppa if you want. There’s food in the fridge if you want a sandwich. Do you want me to send Maddie over?’
‘Do you think she’ll want to see me? She didn’t look too happy when I showed up earlier.’
‘She was probably shocked to see you, like I was. I’m not going to demand that she sees you if she doesn’t want to. We’ve had a lot of issues of our own to deal with and we’ve only just found a way through the other side so I’m not willing to do anything to jeopardise that.’
‘What issues?’
‘That’s between Maddie and me, although how you handled things made it all so much worse. I’ll encourage her to see you, but I won’t push. You didn’t just walk out on me, Laurie. You walked out on her too and, if you want to be in her life, you have a hell of a lot of making up to do.’
‘I do want to be in her life.’
‘Then you know what you have to do.’
‘I want to be in your life too. I thought we might be able to find our way back to being friends again.’
‘Really? After everything you’ve done?’
‘I know it’s a big ask…’
I nodded. ‘A huge one. You shut me out, Laurie. You stopped treating me as a friend and started treating me as the enemy and it hurt like hell. I’m sorry about Ade and the fallout from that but I loved him too and we could have grieved together.
You broke my trust and my heart and you took away our forever.
I don’t know if there’s a way through that. ’
He nodded. ‘That’s fair. I’m sorry.’
‘Please do take my advice. Get some professional help and move on.’ I headed towards the door.
‘Is that what you’ve done?’ he called. ‘Move on?’
I swept my hands out, taking in the kitchen and the world outside. ‘Literally and that was on you too. Had to sell up and ship out.’
‘That’s not what I mean. The man you were hugging earlier. Have you moved on with him?’
‘Laurence Coates, you have no right whatsoever to ask me that. You wanted out, you got out. What I do next – or who I do next – is none of your business. Got it?’
He at least had the decency to look shamefaced. I shook my head at him and left. This time it was my turn to walk away.