Chapter 45
As I left the farmhouse, I glanced up at Peartree Cottage and my heart sank.
Caleb’s van had gone. I hoped he’d be back soon so I could make it clear that Laurie turning up today did not mean I was about to reconcile with him.
I only wanted to look forward from now on.
How dare Laurie introduce himself to Caleb as my husband?
How dare he ask if I’d moved on with him?
That was none of his business. Jealousy didn’t look good on him and he had no right to act that way when he was the one who’d destroyed our marriage.
I needed to tell Maddie that her dad wanted to speak to her, but I also needed some time away from our visitors to process what I’d learned about Adrian. While I was glad I’d heard it for myself, I was certain his last phone message would play on a loop in my mind for a long time.
‘Hi, sunshine,’ Mam said when she answered her phone. ‘Are you all right?’
‘I will be. I finally know what went wrong and I’ll tell you about it later, but I need a bit of time on my own to process it. Would you mind?’
‘You take all the time you need. Jude’s just popped in to get a drink so I’ll ask her to hold the fort outside.’
Mam said she and Willow could manage the café so Maddie could spend some time with her dad. I waited near the farmhouse for her.
‘Nanna says you’ve got answers,’ Maddie said as she approached me a couple of minutes later.
‘Finally, yes, and I’ve got you to thank for that. Your dad played me your voice note.’
‘Are you mad with me for having a go at him?’ she asked.
‘Not at all. I’m glad you did it. It was a passionate message and I wanted to start waving a flag and cheering. Thanks for standing up for me like that. If you hadn’t done that quite so forcibly, I’d never have got the answers I needed.’
‘What was his excuse?’
‘I think that should come from your dad but I can fill in the gaps later if it doesn’t make sense to you. For now, he’s keen to put things right between you both.’
‘Does he know about the pregnancy scare?’
‘It’s not my place to tell him that. We didn’t talk about you which might sound strange but it’ll make sense when you know what’s been on his mind. He’s aware he’s messed up with you as well as me and he wants to find a way forward.’
‘When’s he going back to Finland?’
‘I didn’t ask. Presumably he’s not here on a day trip.’
Maddie sighed. ‘Okay. I’ll see what he has to say for himself. It had better be good.’
‘It is. Be gentle with him. He’s had a tough time of it.’
She hugged me before heading towards the farmhouse. I watched her going inside and hoped Laurie would tell her the truth too. It would be so much better if it came from him and he allowed Maddie to see him emotional and vulnerable for once.
My next stop could only be one place – the cuddle cows. With that part of the farm closed off to visitors, there was no chance of me being disturbed.
Angelica and Persephone – both Holstein-Friesians – were grazing at the far end of the field but the remaining eleven cuddle cows were lying down. I made a beeline for Hyacinth – the exceptionally affectionate Holstein-Friesian I’d cuddled at Fetlock Farm – and knelt down beside her.
‘Would you mind if I steal a cuddle?’ I asked.
She turned her head and I slipped my arm round her neck and pressed my cheek against her coat, breathing in her grassy scent, feeling her warmth.
Silent tears rained down my cheeks as I hugged her close – tears for my beloved friend, Adrian, who’d hidden his broken parts, and tears for Laurie who’d also hidden his.
If only they’d both talked about it, things might have been different.
But as I adjusted position and Hyacinth placed her head in my lap, I wiped my cheeks with the realisation that I didn’t want everything to be different.
Yes, I’d do anything for Adrian to still be here and to have realised his worth but I didn’t regret things falling apart with Laurie.
It went back to that feeling I’d had from the day we viewed Hazelwick Farm that this was where I was always meant to be and I’d never have found my way here if Laurie hadn’t blown up our marriage.
I lay against Hyacinth, listening to the rumbling in her stomach.
Many people believed that cows had four stomachs but it was really four chambers through which grass moved after a process of ruminating or chewing the cud – repeatedly regurgitating, re-chewing and re-swallowing their food to help break it down further and aid digestion.
They could spend between six and ten hours a day doing that, mostly lying down as that made the rumination process more comfortable for them.
The old wives’ tale that cows lay down when it was about to rain always tickled me when, having been raised on a dairy farm, I’d known the real reason for them lying down since early childhood.
Rising to my feet a little later, I wandered round the herd, giving them all gentle strokes. I loved the way their coats felt so different – some soft, some fuzzy and others almost like silk.
It struck me that another reason for the tears earlier was relief.
Now I knew that Laurie hadn’t checked out because he’d never loved me or because of something I’d done wrong.
It really had been him, not me. There’d been nothing I could have fixed because he hadn’t given me that opportunity. It was sad but it was comforting too.
* * *
Maddie told me she hadn’t talked to Laurie for long, conscious that she had work to do but he told her he’d booked a hotel room in Berwick that evening so she agreed to him picking her up and taking her out for an early tea.
While she was out, I told Mam and Jude what Laurie had shared and we all shed some tears over the shock news about Adrian.
As we were clearing away, Maddie arrived back.
‘That was quick,’ I said. ‘Everything all right?’
‘Yeah. We didn’t go far – just to The Otter’s Pocket in Mapleton – and service was quick. He’s sticking around for a few days so I said I’ll see him again on Monday when we’re closed.’
All four of us moved into the lounge with mugs of tea.
‘Have you spoken to Caleb since Laurie turned up?’ Mam asked me.
‘No. Why?’
‘He said he had some good news for you and he seemed really happy but, when he returned to the café ten minutes later, he looked completely deflated. Didn’t even want the cakes he’d been eyeing up.’
I grimaced. ‘Laurie turned up when we were talking. Actually, Laurie turned up when we were hugging – the hug being my response to the news that Rowan’s tests had come back clear. Laurie introduced himself as my husband.’
I laughed as all three of them winced.
‘He also asked me if I’d moved on with Caleb. As if that’s any of his business.’
‘Are you into Caleb?’ Maddie asked, her voice and expression surprised.
‘No! Okay, yes, but nothing’s happened. He’s nice.’
Jude raised her eyebrows at me. ‘Nice?’
‘Lovely, gorgeous, caring, kind. But the hug was platonic. We’re friends and neighbours. He’s my tenant and I’m his client.’
Jude nudged Maddie. ‘She’s not very convincing, is she?’
‘I like Caleb,’ Maddie said. ‘If you decided to be more than friends, neighbours, tenants and clients, I’d be okay with that. Just sayin’.’
I smiled at them all. ‘We’ll see. I don’t know if he likes me and I don’t want to make things awkward. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. No rush.’
But I hoped it would happen and preferably in the not-too-distant future. I finally had the closure I’d so desperately needed and I was now ready to move on with every single aspect of my life.
* * *
Mam fancied a bath and an early night with her book and Maddie wanted to watch TV in her bedroom, so Jude and I took Nova and Skye for a walk round the farm.
‘I’m still reeling about the Adrian news,’ Jude said. ‘It breaks my heart that he felt the need to mask his real feelings with humour and to spin tales about an amazing life in Hong Kong that he wasn’t living. I wish I’d known he was struggling.’
‘Me too. I’ve been reflecting on our time together and searching for clues that I might have missed, but I can’t think of anything. From the moment we met Ade, he was a storyteller prone to exaggeration so I guess his version of his time in Hong Kong was an extension of that.’
Jude slipped her arm through mine. ‘Remember when he had us going that he was the eighth duke of somewhere-or-other and lived in a stately home? He was so convincing about it.’
‘But he really lived in a three-bed semi in Slough,’ I said, laughing.
‘And there was that time when he bigged up that he was on a reality show and we all sat down to watch his TV debut, thinking he was a contestant…’
‘…but he was really just a passerby during one outside shot. That was so funny.’
I loved that Jude had come to stay but at no moment was I more grateful than right now, wandering round the farm together with the dogs and sharing our memories of Adrian and his tall tales while reassuring each other that there was nothing we could have done to change the tragic outcome because Adrian hadn’t wanted us to.
‘It does make you think about how fragile life is,’ Jude said as we paused by the Highland cows.
‘It certainly does.’
Young fluffies Dougal and Tulip were near the gate and we reached over to give them chin scratches.
‘It’s so easy to get in your own head,’ Jude said. ‘We can waste so much time worrying about things instead of grabbing life by the horns, saying the things we want to say and doing the things we want to do.’
‘Are you talking about Ned?’ I asked, giving her a gentle smile.