Chapter 31 The Date #3
“Yes,” he snapped. “I’m trying to keep my fucked up magic off yours.
” He let out another humorless laugh, wiping his eyes with his palm.
“Don’t worry, Shadow. I won’t be able to do it for long.
I have no fucking self-control around you.
I don’t think you realize how easily I could have killed you that first night, on the floor of Worm Hall.
And you were just lying there, egging me on, telling me to throw even more magic at you. ”
His gold eyes met mine again, now overly bright. “I’ve done things that were insanely reckless with your magic. Things I hadn’t done since I was a kid, that fucking killed the things I did them to. I’ve killed people, Leda. I’m a murderer. Do you really not understand that?”
I got up from my chair.
Walking around the table, I knelt down by his chair and laid my arms in his lap.
He winced and looked away, his jaw tightening.
I waited to see if he’d look at me.
When he didn’t, I bit my lip, but made myself talk.
“I’m pretty sure you don’t need to hold back with me like this anymore.
” I fought not to react to the emotion I could feel spiraling off him, or the way my words seemed to make his features harden more.
“Bones.” I tried to take his hand, but he moved it away.
“Bones. If it’s done, it’s done. Do you really think Forsooth is wrong?
Do you think it’s not permanent? Because it seems like you believe it is. ”
He shook his head, his jaw hard.
“No, you don’t believe it?” I asked.
“Of course I fucking believe it,” he growled, still not looking at me. “I know it is.”
I swallowed and nodded, looking at my clasped hands.
“Fine. Then it’s done,” I said. “Right? It’s done.
So Forsooth’s right. You’re right. It’s a thing now, and we need to understand it.
We probably need to experiment with it, like you said.
But keeping your magic off mine isn’t going to do anything, not if it’s already done.
” I saw him wince, and hesitated. “You don’t need to feel guilty, Bones. It’s not your fault.”
Bones looked at me finally, disbelief and a near-anger in his eyes.
Frustration seethed off his magic.
“Gods fucking in the stars, Leda,” he growled.
“What do you think is happening here? Do you really think this is going to just stop when we graduate university? Are you not understanding the implications of what I’m telling you?
” He looked at me, that gold and green flame curling brightly through his irises.
“You don’t even think we’re going out,” he said, his voice accusing.
“You think I’m only with you because I can fuck you, right?
Isn’t that what I’ve heard you think a few dozen times over the past weeks?
That I’m only treating you differently from all those other witches because I can come inside you? ”
That time I winced, and averted my gaze.
“I’m telling you, you might not ever get rid of me,” he growled.
“That’s what Forsooth already believes. He’s worried I’m not being honest with you about that, or about how completely fucking dependent I am on you already.
” His voice hardened. “And he doesn’t even know the half of it, Leda.
I’ve never talked to him about my magic, not specifically, so even if he suspects what I am, he doesn’t actually know––”
“That doesn’t mean you’re stuck with me, Bones,” I snapped, fighting my own anger.
“If you still need my magic, I’m sure we can work something out, whether we’re sleeping together or not.
Whether we’re seeing one another, or not.
At least until you find some kind of substitute.
” I fought my voice back to level. “Anyway, if you found another witch you could do everything you wanted with, chances are, she could manage your magic, too. Aren’t those two things interconnected? Because I thought they were.”
Above me, on the chair, he fell silent.
His magic went totally dark.
When I looked up at him, a few seconds later, the utter disbelief in his eyes made me bite my lip, if only to keep from saying something I would regret.
In the end, I said part of it aloud, anyway.
“You don’t have to look at me like that.” I pressed my lips together, clenching my jaw hard enough that it hurt. “Like I’m an absolute idiot who doesn’t understand anything. I get what you’re saying, Bones––”
“You clearly don’t.”
His voice was flat, cold.
I leaned back on my heels, but still didn’t move away from him entirely.
“Fine,” I said, defeated. “Maybe I don’t.”
When he didn’t say anything, I rose back to my feet.
I started to turn, to walk back to my side of the table, but he caught hold of my wrist and tugged me back. He pulled me all the way over until I found myself sitting on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck.
I struggled to meet his gaze, now feeling inexplicably like I wanted to cry.
I hadn’t gotten anywhere near trying to figure out how I felt, or what I was even confused about, when his arm curled tightly around my waist. I still managed to be shocked when he kissed me, and maybe more so when I kissed him back, my fingers curling into his hair.
He angled his head and mouth, caressing my jaw and deepening the kiss so that both of us fell into it.
At one point, he fisted a hand in my hair and groaned against my lips as his magic slid into mine, right before he pulled me tightly against him.
We kept kissing as his magic wound into mine and mine into his.
In less than a second. we were both breathing harder, and his skin felt hot, but he didn’t stop, not until I started unfastening his belt.
He caught my hand in his then, pulling away, and let out a frustrated groan.
“What if I don’t want someone else?” he said, glaring at me.
“Gods damn it, Leda. Do I seem the slightest bit worried about being ‘trapped’ with you?” He stared at me, and his gold eyes morphed and writhed with living flame.
“Has it occurred to you that I’m a selfish, possessive, greedy prick, and a part of me would like nothing more than to trap you with me?
” His voice grew colder. “That maybe I didn’t tell you, maybe I wouldn’t even admit it to myself, because I was hoping it would be too late by the time you noticed? ”
I frowned, looking from one of his eyes to the other.
When that frustration and guilt in his expression worsened, I caressed his face, stroking the hair off his forehead and cheeks unthinkingly. He closed his eyes, longer than a blink, and I felt him trying again to pull it back, to control something I couldn’t see.
“When have I ever tried to get away from you?” I asked finally. “You’ve always been the one trying to get away from me, Bones.”
When he didn’t answer, I kissed his face, and his muscles twitched. I felt him fighting not to relax into me, to keep that distance between us.
Watching and feeling him do it, I exhaled in exasperation.
“I don’t believe you, anyway,” I said, annoyed, when he still hadn’t spoken. “You think I can’t feel you trying to pull away from me, to control it, but I can. If you were trying to trap me, you wouldn’t be doing that. You certainly wouldn’t be doing it constantly.”
“I might be,” he growled. He leaned his face against my neck, clenching his jaw.
“No you wouldn’t,” I said. “I can feel you trying, Bones. Right now.”
There was a silence before he answered me.
Then he scoffed.
“I don’t think you’re fully taking into account how badly I’m failing, Leda,” he growled.
Before I could answer, he reached up and grasped my hair. His fingers sank into it and clenched, hard, right before he pulled my mouth back to his.