Chapter 10
I woke before dawn.
I stiffened when I realized I lay in someone’s arms, but when I lifted my head to see Trey still sleeping next to me, my entire body relaxed.
I watched him for a while and my heart felt raw, like an exposed nerve.
I’d never met anyone like him. I’d never struggled so hard to keep my distance.
Yes, he was handsome, but he was also kind and gentle and patient—so patient.
I wanted to stay here until he woke. I wanted those beautiful eyes to warm at the sight of me like they always did, despite how much I pushed him away. I wanted him to smile and pull me tighter and kiss me.
You gonna do this again? You know how this ends, Wolf warned.
I tried to block the memories out, but Wolf seemed to release them with his words.
A gentle touch against my skin, fevered kisses stolen in the cool, dark desert, a secret smile offered across the bonfire, a fragile hope stirring in my chest, and then nothing but blood and horrifying screams and the tears that streamed down my face as I begged—begged—Juck to spare him.
My spine locked up. I wanted to scream at Wolf to shut up again, but I couldn’t. He was right. I couldn’t do this again.
Madame would use him to punish me. I was too valuable, so she’d hurt Trey instead. I couldn’t watch the life fade from those brown eyes because of me.
And what would he do if he found out about Trey?
I’d taken this too far, and now I had to fix it. Gods, how could I fix it? Nothing I’d tried had worked so far, and I could only think of one other option.
I had to make him hate me.
The grief that swept over me physically hurt, but I forced myself to bear it.
Numbly, I slid out of Trey’s arms. He mumbled something and rolled over but didn’t wake.
I shoved my feet into my boots and cracked the door open enough to squeeze through.
The morning bell hadn’t rung yet, but people were up and making their way toward the canteen.
I pulled my hood up over my head and fell in line.
As I approached the canteen, the bells rang, and people began filing inside.
I’d never shown up here before. Sam had been bringing my food to the clinic since that first day. I followed the crowd inside.
The canteen was a long rectangular building with rows and rows of wooden tables and benches.
At the front was a large window where people stood handing out food.
Behind them, an enormous kitchen stretched out.
I slipped into the line and shuffled forward with the crowd until I reached the window.
A man I’d never seen before handed me a warm tinfoil packet without looking up.
I took it, along with a crooked metal fork.
Then I moved out of the way, searching around the room until I found him.
Zip sat talking and laughing with a bunch of similarly giant muscled men.
I’d seen him around a few times since I’d healed him.
He and his friends were rough and crude and prone to getting into stupid fights, so folks stayed out of their way.
I took a breath and made my way over to sit next to him.
The whole table went silent, staring at me in surprise, but Zip’s face broke into a wide grin.
“You change your mind about that drink?” he asked.
“Yeah, I did,” I said, hoping my voice didn’t sound as dead as it felt.
He threw a brawny arm covered in tattoos around my shoulders. A leather tie pulled his dark hair back from his face. He had deep-set eyes under bushy eyebrows and a thick beard. The weight of his arm felt suffocating, but I forced myself to bear it.
“Glad to hear it.” The smugness in his voice made me bristle.
“Bones?”
Trey stood at the end of the table. His eyes narrowed on Zip’s arm around me, his jaw tight. A few paces behind him, Mac and Griz stood with grim expressions.
“Everything alright?” he asked.
I forced my expression to stay neutral. “Yeah, fine.”
Zip’s arm tightened around me, and he grinned toothily at Trey. “You heard her.”
Trey’s expression tightened into something dangerous. He studied me like he was trying to find the joke. I felt flayed open, heat rushing up my neck and into my face—hot and humiliating.
“You need something, Trey?” I forced the words out, flat.
He stared at me like I’d started speaking another language, then shook his head and strode away.
I watched out of the corner of my eye as they all went and sat at another table.
I could feel their eyes on me, but I ignored them.
I desperately wanted to shove Zip’s arm off me, but instead, I unwrapped my tinfoil package and took a small bite of the eggs and potatoes.
“So, you wanna grab a drink tonight?” Zip asked.
I took another small bite, making him wait. “Sure.”
Zip’s grin widened. “I’ll pick you up after the dinner bell, Bones.”
I made an affirming sound, and when I didn’t say anything else, the men’s conversation resumed.
They were all loggers, I discovered as I listened, which explained the muscles. They went outside the wall armed with their axes and brought back wood for building and burning. I tried to keep from looking too interested about groups going outside the wall.
I managed to eat over half of my breakfast. Sam is gonna be so proud.
Irritation flooded me at the thought that popped into my head. Why the fuck would it matter what Sam thought?
Once they were close to finishing up their food, I slid out from under Zip’s arm.
“See you later, then,” I said.
As I strode away, I pretended not to hear the hoots and hollers coming from his buddies. I made it maybe five paces outside before Trey appeared at my side, and I steeled myself.
“The hell was that about?” he asked.
I gave him a sharp look. “What?”
He glared at me, that muscle jumping in his jaw again. “You know what I’m talking about.”
I kept striding through the hold. “I don’t think it’s any of your damn business, Trey.”
He grabbed my arm, forcing me to come to an abrupt stop. His eyes were dark. “Bones, last night—”
I jerked away, glaring right back. “Meant nothing.”
The hurt that rippled across his face hit me straight in the heart. “Nothing?” he echoed. “You’re really gonna tell me that meant nothing?”
“You took advantage, and I don’t want it to ever happen again.” I put as much spite and malice into the lie as possible, and he took a step backward like I’d slapped him. I followed, stepping into his space.
“I asked you—” he tried to say, his voice rough.
“Don’t. Ever. Do that again.”
I didn’t wait for his response, instead turning on my heel and striding away.
The hurt in his eyes haunted me—drowned me in guilt—but I would rather he hated me for being a bitch than watch him die.
I managed to keep it together until I got to the clinic, where I climbed up to the loft, sat in the corner again, and let myself cry for a few minutes—big, ugly sobs shaking my shoulders.
But after a few minutes, I forced myself to get up and wash my face.
I didn’t deserve to grieve losing him any longer than that.
When I reached the sink, I stopped and stared at the wall. A new mirror hung over the sink. It had a little shelf attached to the bottom and on it sat a tiny green glass bottle with a dandelion in it.
My eyes burned again, so I washed my face, letting the ice-cold water soothe my swollen eyes.
I stared at my reflection after I toweled off, avoiding the flower.
My red, puffy eyes stared back at me. My face had filled out more since I’d studied my reflection in Clarity’s mirror.
I looked healthier—well, less sickly. The swelling around my right eye had gone down, leaving an ugly yellow bruise.
Trey’s neat stitches still held the gash in my head together, but I would be able to remove them in a few days.
I examined the lighter bruise on my jawline before meeting my own eyes again.
I tried to see the ten-year-old girl I’d once been, but there was no trace of her in my hollow green gaze and bruised face.
When the first patient entered, I glimpsed Trey sitting outside. He stayed there the whole day. I watched the sun move across the sky with an increasing sense of dread. Too soon the bell rang for dinner. I didn’t go, my stomach rolling uneasily. When the door opened, I jumped.
“Hey.” Sam moved into the clinic and set a steaming mug of broth and my dinner ration on the exam table, then crossed his arms.
I ignored the food, picking up the mug and sipping it. The broth helped calm my stomach.
“I was surprised to see you at the canteen this morning,” he said, his voice suspiciously casual.
I didn’t say anything, shame cutting through me. He’d witnessed me treating Trey like shit.
“You still want me to bring your food here?”
“I can get it myself.”
He eyed me for a moment. “Didn’t Zip try to hit you when you healed him?”
“That was Blaze.”
“Right, my bad.”
I wished he would leave, but he stared at me.
“Do you need something?” I snapped.
“I’m just tryin’ to figure out if you went and found the first big, ugly hunk of muscle you saw or if I’m supposed to believe you actually like Zip?”
“It’s none of your fuckin’ business.”
“It’s my fuckin’ business when it involves my best friend.”
I dropped my eyes and took a big drink of my broth, hoping it would wash down the lump in my throat. None of them could hate me as much as I hated myself.
“What the fuck are you doing, Bones?” His sharp question cut through me.
The door crashing open saved me, and Zip’s massive form filled the doorway. I set the mug down and noticed Sam had one hand on the gun at his hip. I stepped in front of him, blocking him from Zip’s view as I walked to the door. Zip seemed like the type to take that kind of threat seriously.
Behind Zip, I could see Trey sitting in the chair, watching with narrowed eyes. I ignored him as I stepped out with Zip and pretended I didn’t feel his gaze boring into my back as we left.