Chapter 18 #2
We set off at a quick pace, trying to step in spots of frozen snow to avoid leaving tracks.
The snowshoes kept us from leaving human-shaped footprints, but they still left tracks.
The nearly full moon shone in the cloudless sky, giving us dim light to see by.
Warmth slowly returned as I moved. Wolves howled somewhere in the distance, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
“They’re not close enough that we need to worry yet,” Trey said when I glanced at him, wide-eyed.
Soon, the ground began to slope up. Trey showed me how to kick the front of the snowshoe into the snow and use it like a step.
I stumbled more than once as I struggled to get the movement down.
It wasn’t long before my legs started to burn, and my breathing grew heavier.
We had moved far enough away that I could yell at him now, but for some reason, I didn’t.
We hiked for what must have been a couple of hours, pausing a few times for short rests, before Trey finally circled back to the reason Zip had hesitated.
“Back there…” he started, cautious in a way that made my shoulders tense. “He’d never seen the brand before?”
My face heated. “Not while sober.”
“Ah,” he said quietly, then, “Can I ask somethin’ of you?”
I didn’t want to turn, but I did anyway. He was looking at me like I’d done something wrong, and a familiar weight settled in my chest.
“Don’t ever let someone hurt you ’cause you’re trying to protect me.”
Shame spread slow and heavy, not sharp. This wasn’t panic. This was resignation. I looked away, because if I met his eyes, I might have to explain something I didn’t have better words for. “I didn’t have a whole lot of options, Trey.”
“Bones,” he said gently, “you gotta start trying to save yourself, too.”
I almost laughed. Not because it was funny—because it was impossible.
“I’m a healer, Trey. Saving other people is what I do.”
He didn’t argue right away. He watched me, eyes steady, like he could see the cracks I was plastering over. “I know,” he finally said, “but the way you throw yourself into the line of fire, it’s like you think your life isn’t worth as much as other people’s.”
The words hit too close, and something cracked. “It’s not,” I spat.
“It is,” he countered. “People love you. If you can’t try to save yourself for you, do it for them. Next time you think about throwing yourself in harm’s way, think about Apple.”
I flinched, but he wasn’t done.
“She watches you. Everything you do. You’re teaching her what to think about herself by how you think about you.
Why do you think she tried to take on Zip all by herself?
Fighting for what’s right, that’s a great thing, but do you want her to throw herself on top of a live grenade when she doesn’t have to?
When there are other options if she works with people who are trying to help? ”
“Sometimes there aren’t people, Trey.” I couldn’t look at him, a familiar mix of anger and guilt tangling until I couldn’t tell them apart. “You know how many bikers Juck had? Over a hundred. That many people and not a single damn one ever—” The words snagged in my throat and broke apart.
He snagged my arm, jerking me to a halt. “You went through hell, Bones, and gods, I’m grateful you made it out of there, but we’re not the Reapers. We’ve been tryin’ to show you that for the past, what, six months? I know you didn’t have people then, but you do now.”
Don’t trust ’em, Wolf warned, but he sounded quieter.
We’re not the Reapers. He talked about the crew like they were here and a part of this. Like they were mine, too. Like that kind of safety didn’t come with a price. If they were making plans that included me, it meant expectations.
“So what, they sent you along so you could try to convince me to go back? Is that it?” I finally looked at him, trying to hold on to my anger to avoid giving in to the tears that threatened to spill.
“Gods, no,” he exclaimed. “Bones, we knew you were planning on running. We knew you had a secret stash of supplies in your mattress. We knew you were gonna try to leave with the loggers. And darlin’, all any of us wanted was to help you.”
I stared at him. How? I wanted to ask, but I feared what the answer might be.
“So Mac sent you to keep an eye on me.” My voice came out ragged. “You’re here to make sure I don’t disappear. So I can’t—”
“Godsdamnit, Bones, I’m here ’cause I love you,” he said, sudden and unguarded, shocking me into silence. “Have loved you practically since you saved my life on that rooftop. And I’m not expecting anything of you, but I’m here ’cause I want to be here with you.”
His voice grew hoarse, and a tear slid down my cheek.
He wiped it away, his hands cold on my heated face.
“I’m here ’cause those couple times you let me in before you got scared and pushed me away, I saw how much you cared.
Then I watched you build those walls back up because you were afraid.
And I don’t know if you’re afraid that I’ll hurt you or that you’ll hurt me, but I will give it my all showin’ you that you can trust me.
” His hand lingered on my cheek, thumb brushing across my cheekbone.
“If you don’t want me, I’ll find a way to live with that, but I’m willin’ to risk my heart in case the only thing holdin’ you back is that fear. ”
I had no idea what to say. The ache in my chest shifted, sprouting small, hopeful shoots that made my breath catch. It felt dangerous—too alive, too stubborn, growing despite the painful truths I’d learned.
He was offering everything like he knew the cost.
Guilt drowned me. He didn’t know the danger he was in.
“There’s something you don’t know,” I whispered before I lost my nerve, more tears sliding down my face.
“Okay,” he murmured, dropping his hand from my face, “I’m listening.”
My entire body trembled. “I’m not the only powered person.”
Surprise filled his eyes.
“I don’t know who he is. I call him the Shadow. He can get in my head. Not all the time, but whenever—” I swallowed. “Whenever I’m drugged.”
A horrified understanding dawned on his face.
“He gets in and he can see all my memories. He knows what I can do, and he’s been trying to find me since I was thirteen.
I don’t understand what his power is exactly, but I think he…
he somehow was behind everything that happened with the Reapers’ turning on each other. Like he was in their heads too.”
Trey remained steady and silent.
“Juck d-drugged me after…after—” I made a helpless gesture to the brand. “The Shadow saw what happened. I let him see what happened because I didn’t care anymore. And he was angry. He said I b-belonged to him and that he was gonna kill them all.”
I’d turned that day over and over in my head hundreds of times, but it still didn’t make any sense.
Forty-five of the Reapers had died from the fever a month earlier.
I hadn’t been able to save a single one without my powers.
Tensions were high, and Vulture was stirring shit up, trying to get the gang on his side.
“Vulture acted so…so weird. Like he wasn’t himself.
He called a gathering and…told them about my powers and that Juck had kept me all to himself, but he sounded so…
he sounded like he was pretending to be someone else.
And then…they turned on each other. Everyone was shooting, but it didn’t make any sense why they were attacking each other. Everything went to shit so fast and I—”
I had to stop for a second, regulate my breathing. Trey waited, close enough that I could feel his presence without feeling crowded.
“Juck was gonna take me and run, but Vulture caught up to us. Juck shot him and tried to leave with me…and I…I stabbed him and ran.” I gulped in a shaky breath. “I don’t know how, but I think the Shadow did it. He killed them…and he did it without even being there.”
“You killed Juck?”
I nodded, trying to read his expression.
“I’m glad he’s dead, but I’m sorry you had to resort to that.”
I wasn’t surprised that he immediately knew I hated doing it, even after everything Juck had done to me.
“So this Shadow, he saw you again when we gave you the narc after you got whipped.”
It wasn’t a question, but I nodded again anyway.
“He saw where you were.”
“He’s angry. He thinks I used him to get away from the Reapers. And maybe…maybe I did. I didn’t mean to, but…” My voice trailed off for a second. “I thought if I could draw him away—”
“You’re using yourself as bait?” A hint of anger entered his voice.
“He could kill everyone, Trey—”
“What will he do to you if he catches you?”
I wanted to shake him. Was he not listening? “I don’t know, but I don’t think he wants to kill me.”
“No, he probably wants to do something worse.” Trey’s eyes darkened.
“Trey!” I needed him to understand. “He’s after you. He wants to kill you.”
He stared down at me for a few breaths. Then he did the last thing I expected. His face broke into a giant fucking grin. I gaped at him.
“Did you not hear me?” I demanded. “Trey—”
“He wants to kill me ’cause you care about me,” he said, his tone gleeful.
I sputtered furiously for a second. “That’s what you’re latchin’ onto? You can’t come with me! He’s gonna kill you, dumbass!”
“He can try.”
I was gonna kill him. “Trey—”
“Look, Mac and I knew there was somebody else trying to find you. Somebody who scared you. We thought it was maybe a warlord or something, but it doesn’t matter who it is. I’m not gonna bail on you and make you face whoever it is all by yourself.”
“He has powers! And I have no idea what he can do!”
“Okay, so we’ll be careful.”
I threw my arms up, frustrated. “Trey!”
“I’m not leaving, Bones.” He stepped closer, into my space, and his voice softened. “You hear me? This is my decision, and I’m not leaving.”
I stared up at him helplessly, and he held my gaze, unflinching.
“C’mon, we better keep moving.”