Chapter 19
We walked in silence for another hour while everything Trey said played through my head on repeat.
He’d said he loved me, and as much as I wanted to dismiss it, gods help me, I couldn’t.
He’d shown me he loved me over and over.
I shoved the feelings down before they could drag me under.
I didn’t have time to unravel what he was doing to me. I had to stay in control.
“Mac’s gonna take care of the kids,” Trey said from behind me. “He won’t let anythin’ happen to them.”
Gratitude swelled in my chest. My fear for the kids had been so sharp that it hurt.
The only comfort I had was knowing they’d be in more danger with me.
They might never forgive me for abandoning them, especially Apple, but knowing Mac’s crew would protect them made it easier.
The pang of sorrow in my chest surprised me. I’d miss the crew, too, even Raven.
“What about Clarity?” I asked, heart sinking.
“She’s the one who figured out you were leaving,” he said. “She didn’t ask me to, but when I told her I was goin’ with you, she was so relieved.”
I glanced back at him, and he offered a slight smile.
“I’ll miss her, of course, but this is where I’m meant to be.”
I faced forward, emotion swirling through me like a storm. I knew how much his sister and Mac and the rest of the crew meant to him, and Clarity loved her brother. Why the hell would she want him to leave with me?
“How did she know?” I asked to distract myself.
“She wouldn’t say.” He frowned, a slight furrow between his eyes. “But Mac and I checked your mattress, so we knew she was right.”
Clarity had acted strangely the last time I’d seen her. Had she already known my plans? Had she snooped through my stuff? Raven probably would have let her. She liked Clarity a hell of a lot more than she liked me.
“Madame will put a bounty out on us when she discovers we’re gone. Mac is gonna try to cover for us for as long as possible, but most likely she’s gonna know soon.”
A tremor passed through me. “Will she take it out on Mac and the crew?”
“There’s a chance, yeah,” Trey said, “but they know that.”
We fell silent again. I couldn’t dwell on what Madame might do to them. I didn’t know how to process that they accepted that risk to help me.
Soon I had to focus all my energy on hiking up the damn mountain.
I had recovered some of my strength, but my walks around the hold did little to prepare me for snowy mountain terrain.
My steps grew clumsier as I tired and the pain in my back worsened.
It wasn’t long before I stumbled and fell, sliding down the hill and into Trey, who somehow managed to stop me without being knocked down the mountainside.
“Whoa, you alright?” he said, helping me to my feet.
“Yeah,” I said between heavy breaths, “sorry.”
“It’s okay. Let’s take a break.”
“We don’t have to—”
“C’mon, we can eat a little something, too.”
I let him usher me over to a fallen tree, watching as he brushed the snow off. He sat next to me, close enough that our thighs pressed together, but I didn’t feel trapped, not with Trey.
“I got some dried meat and some apples. How about you?” he asked, digging through his pack.
“I have dried meat too.” I fished out the small satchel I’d been storing bits of food in. “And I got this.” I pulled out a full wedge of hard cheese and he broke into a grin.
“How the hell did you get that?” he demanded.
“I stole it,” I admitted, flushing slightly. “Neena has a thing for Griz. I sent him to the kitchen on a fake errand. She was so distracted by him that I was able to slip into the root cellar and grab it.”
“You tricky little thing, you.” That sunshine smile lit up the whole damn woods.
“It’s also how I was able to get this.” I pulled out a chunk of cornbread wrapped in a clean cloth.
“Well, you win this round.” He held up a withered apple with a playful grimace.
We ate in companionable silence. The woods had grown even darker, which meant dawn wasn’t too far off.
You’re gonna watch him die, Wolf whispered. Don’t you remember?
The horrific, bloody memories flashed through my mind, and something in me seized and wouldn’t let go.
“What’s wrong?” Trey asked, scanning me.
“I can’t watch you die.” The words slipped out, harsh and panicked.
“Well, I don’t plan on dyin’ any time soon,” he said, nudging my leg with his.
I couldn’t breathe.
“Hey.” He laid his hand over mine where I gripped my leg.
When I didn’t pull away, he laced our fingers together. I clutched them, trying to absorb some of his steady strength and calm.
“You want to talk about it?” he murmured. “Or would you like a distraction?”
“Distraction,” I managed to get out.
“Alright,” he said with no judgment. “When Mac and I were about thirteen, we stole a bottle of moonshine and got shitfaced, then challenged each other to climb the watchtower.”
“The outside?” I choked out, thinking of the rough concrete exterior.
“The outside,” he confirmed with a grin.
“ ’Course we got probably twenty feet up and freaked out.
So then we had to cling to the wall and yell for help, which brought all the guards running.
They had to go fetch ladders to get us down.
My mom was so furious at us that Madame let her pick our punishment. We had outhouse duty for two weeks.”
The bands around my chest loosened enough for me to breathe. “What happened to Mac’s parents?”
He hesitated, then sighed. “Mac’s mom died when he was three. His dad was one of the leaders of the early rebellion, but Madame caught wind of it and had the leaders whipped.” He squeezed my hand, his voice rough with pain. “Fifty lashes each.”
My back spasmed at the thought. “Fifty?” I gasped.
“It wasn’t a punishment they were meant to survive,” Trey said. “That scar on Mac’s face? That was from the whip. He tried to get to his dad during the whipping and took a lash to the cheek. Just a little bit higher and he would’ve lost his eye.”
“How old was he?” I asked, feeling sick.
“Seven. Somehow his dad survived, but he died a few days later. The wounds got infected, and he’d lost so much blood.”
Cold air burned into my lungs as I remembered Mac’s fury at me for taking his lashes, his desperation that I heal myself through him. It made more sense now.
“How old are you?” I asked.
“Twenty-seven,” he replied. “You?”
“Twenty-two. So how old were you when Clarity was born?”
“I was, let’s see, nine. Mac was eight.”
“You’re older?”
“By eighteen months and yes, I do pull the oldest brother card whenever I can.”
My heart twinged again. “Clarity’s only eighteen?” I whispered.
He let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah.”
She seemed older than that, but it wasn’t too surprising. Life in a brothel tended to make people grow up fast.
“I’ll carry guilt about her being in there for the rest of my life,” Trey confessed quietly.
“How come?”
“When our mom died, her dad, Hal Reed, was still alive. I was old enough that I could’ve taken her in, but Mac and I were training hard to get into the Safeguard.
I let Reed take her instead, even though I knew he had a bad gambling problem.
He got in a drunken bar fight and got himself stabbed.
He owed a lot of debts, so Madame took Clarity in payment.
She didn’t go right into…serving people, but they worked her hard makin’ her clean and cook.
She started getting sick a lot, and she never seemed to fully recover.
And I know she was exposed to, well, a lot of shit that a kid shouldn’t be exposed to.
She was always beautiful, and she attracted attention.
” His face was so dark. “By the time I convinced Madame to let me take her out, she wouldn’t leave.
She got it in her head that staying where she was would protect me. ”
I remembered Clarity’s battered face and hot anger coursed through me. He must have sensed it because he glanced down at me and squeezed my hand again.
“I know. I fucking hate it too.” He sighed. “But she’s damn smart. Smarter than me and Mac put together. I’ve tried so hard to get her to leave, but she’s created a real community there. There used to be fights between…the brothel workers.”
I noted how he seemed to avoid using words like prostitute and whore.
“The woman in charge encouraged grudges and pitted them against each other all the time. Mostly for her own amusement, I think. Clarity slowly changed that. And the others have her back, as much as they can, anyway.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, and I realized the iron vise on my lungs had disappeared.
“Thank you,” I said, looking back up at him.
He smiled, full of warmth. “You’re welcome.”
He released my hand, and my fingers betrayed me by holding on a second too long.
—
Slowly the darkness lightened as we walked. The sun rose over the mountain, bathing the snow in a pink and orange glow, and I realized I wasn’t bracing anymore.
“So where are we going?” Trey asked cheerfully.
“As far away as possible.” I hadn’t planned that far ahead. My only focus had been to get out.
He snorted. “Oh good, nice and vague.”
“Feel free to go back if you don’t like it.”
“Aww, you say that like you wouldn’t miss me,” he teased.
“I wouldn’t,” I lied.
He laughed. “You think I can’t tell when you’re lying by now? Sorry, darlin’, you’re stuck with me.”
My stupid heart did a little skip at darlin’. I didn’t try to stop it.
“ ’Cause first you kissed me, and then, even worse, I heard you laugh. An’ I knew I wouldn’t be able to rest until I heard it again.”
Thank the gods he walked behind me so he couldn’t see the ridiculous fucking smile that managed to creep across my face. “Don’t hold your breath.”
“Don’t worry,” he said lightly, “I’m a very patient man.”
He was more patient than anyone I’d ever met. Far more patient than I deserved.
“So do you want to join a different hold or a gang? Or are you hoping to lone wolf with me, your lovable sidekick?”
The teasing words came easier than I expected. “Doesn’t havin’ a sidekick defeat the purpose of a lone wolf?”