Chapter 17
Suck and Blow Off Some Steam
FIONA
I watch Tre walk away from me, his silhouette growing less and less distinct until he’s nothing more than a smudge that vanishes from sight.
“What the fuck are you doing, Fiona?” I murmur to the night, hoping it will have a clue, because I definitely don’t.
Tre’s an asshole, and yet… I keep kissing him.
Or letting him kiss me. I’m not even sure who started that.
I’m also not entirely sure why I broke it off.
Part of me says that maybe I should just sleep with him and get it out of my system.
Then I remember sixteen-year-old Tre telling his friends that my mom hated her family so much she deliberately drove her car off a mountain.
Sure. He apologized, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he said it in the first place.
At least I’m trying to tell myself it doesn’t, but more and more it feels like I should let it go and accept that he’s changed.
That he’s a different person. But I don’t know if I truly believe it, or if I only want to believe it because of the way my stupid hormones react whenever he’s within five feet of me.
It’s like every nerve ending in my body lights up, and all I can think about is touching him or having him touch me.
I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted to sleep with someone as much as I want to sleep with Tre.
The only problem is that I can’t say for certain if I actually want him or if I only think I do because it’s been so long since I’ve slept with anyone.
I stalk back to the fire, growing more and more frustrated with every step.
I don’t owe Tre anything. We’ve kissed exactly twice.
Nothing more than that. It doesn’t mean anything, I tell myself.
I can sleep with anyone I want. And maybe if I do, it’ll help me figure out if I want Tre, or if I just want someone to fuck me so hard I can’t think about anything else for a few minutes.
“Want a beer, Fi?” Cath asks when I return and take a seat next to Kyle.
Tre is already there, but I can’t with him right now.
Or with Ewan. I hope my twin gets crabs.
It would serve him right for being such an ass.
Even if he means well, he needs to learn to mind his own business.
I have no idea if he’s trying to get Tre and me to be friends so that the three of us can sit around the campfire making s’mores and singing Kumbaya together, or if this is him playing matchmaker.
Both options seem possible, and I didn’t ask for either.
“Sure,” I agree, extending my hand to take the can she passes over.
The outside is wet, and I hold it away from myself as I open it so that it doesn’t drip onto me.
I take a swig and focus my attention on Kyle.
The other guys are all Ewan’s and Tre’s friends.
They’re traitors by association. Kyle’s neutral, though.
He’s just here covering for Ewan. “How do you like being a rafting guide?”
“It’s fine,” Kyle says with a slight shrug of his broad shoulders.
“Kyle’s not a big talker,” Cade tells me.
“Maybe he just doesn’t like the company,” I snark. A smile tugs at Kyle’s lips. Cade laughs good-naturedly, and everyone but Ewan and Tre joins in. “What do you do in the off season?” I ask, refocusing on Kyle.
“Ski tours.”
I wait for more, but Kyle says nothing.
“God. He wasn’t lying about you not being a big talker.”
Kyle’s grin spreads a little wider.
“Fiona, come help me with the fireworks,” Tess says, pulling my attention away from Kyle.
Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t able to talk Tess out of bringing them, and I briefly consider telling her no. I don’t want to light off fireworks and pretend I’m having a good time—I don’t want to light them off, period—but I don’t need to let my bad mood pour over onto everyone else.
The only person here who’s actually at fault is my brother.
Tre didn’t orchestrate this, I realize. This is all Ewan.
I briefly reconsider my plan to get Kyle to spend the night in my tent.
I could simply take Tre up on his invitation—because it was clearly an invitation: ‘The red one at the end.’ But if I do that, I’ll never know if it’s because I want him or if I just want someone, and I need to know.
If I sleep with him without being sure, I’ll hate myself forever.
“Fine,” I agree as she grabs my hand and tugs me to my feet. I could use a second to think about things anyway.
“We’ll get them and meet you guys down at the beach,” she tells the group as she pulls me away. “What’s going on with you?” she asks as soon as we’re out of earshot.
“Nothing.”
“You want to try again? You’re pissed at Ewan, Tre is looking at you with big giant puppy-dog eyes, but you’re refusing to acknowledge him and flirting with Kyle instead! And don’t think I didn’t notice Tre following you into the woods.”
“Ugh. Did everyone notice?”
“I don’t know. No one said anything, if that’s what you’re asking. So what’s up?”
I chew on my lip, trying to decide how to answer the question, but Tess already knows just about every bad decision I’ve ever made, so what’s one more? “I kissed him a few weeks ago. And then he kissed me. Just now, in the woods.”
“I thought you hated him?”
“I do. I did. I don’t know.” The frustration in my voice is palpable.
“Ah. Was it good?”
“I don’t know,” I hedge.
“So it was good, and you’re pissed that it was good. Got it.”
“It’s not… It’s just… Listen. I haven’t been with anyone since I came back here, and I think I’m just desperate.”
“Does Ewan know? About you and Tre?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I haven’t told him, but I have no idea what Tre has said to him.”
“Mmm,” Tess murmurs. “And now you want to use Kyle to figure out if you have feelings for Tre?”
“I mean, if he’s willing, yeah. Pretty much. Terrible idea?”
“Let me ask you something?”
“Okay.”
“Do you think Tre has feelings for you?”
I open my mouth to say, ‘I don’t know,’ but before I can, I realize that’s not true. “Yeah,” I admit. And admitting that means I’ve got to acknowledge that his apology is probably sincere.
“Let’s say you sleep with Kyle and then you realize you do have feelings for Tre. How do you imagine that’s going to go over?”
I remember our conversation on the way out to Hay Creek and Tre asking about Jacob and me dating in high school. “Not great,” I admit softly. “You’re saying you don’t think I should do it?”
“No. Given that you’ve spent most of your life hating him, it’s probably not the best idea to jump straight into bed with him. All I’m saying is that maybe you should be a little less obvious.”
“How the hell am I supposed to do that?” I ask as we near the fireworks stacked opposite the tents, next to the base of the cliff where we piled them yesterday.
“I don’t know. Wait until everyone is distracted by the fireworks and then ask Kyle to meet you at your tent later? Maybe no one will notice.”
“Uh huh. Sure.”
“Well, it’s better than what you were doing!”
“I wasn’t doing anything yet!”
“Uh huh. Sure,” Tess echoes my words, not bothering to hide her disbelief.
“Fine, oh wise one. I’ll take your advice.”
“Good. Let’s go back,” she says, her arms full.
I consider trying to talk her out of lighting them off one last time, especially since the ATF is lurking around and I’m pretty sure setting off fireworks isn’t exactly legal where we’re camping.
But this is the first time in years it’s been rainy enough that there are no fire bans in effect and they can set them off without worrying about burning down half the state.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m standing on the beach, staring up at the sky as colored streamers float down and the scent of gunpowder infuses the air. Tre also complained when they lit the first one, but he shut up after Cade called him a killjoy.
Kyle is a few feet away, on the outskirts of the group, and I edge toward him, letting my shoulder bump against his.
He glances toward me, his eyes finding mine when the next boom lights up the sky. His eyebrows are raised in silent question, and I decide to cut to the chase. “Any chance you might be in the mood for some company tonight?”
“Sure,” he replies monosyllabically. Cade wasn’t kidding.
“Okay. I’m in the blue Nemo tent. Meet me there in twenty minutes?”
“Alright.”
I nod and move away, stopping briefly to talk to Tess. When the next firework explosion diverts everyone’s attention to the sky, I turn and walk toward the campsites, hoping my departure will go unremarked upon.
Twenty minutes later, I’m sitting on the floor of my tent, with the mesh door zipped shut, but the privacy door open, waiting for Kyle to appear.
I’ve already dug through my pack to find the box of condoms I always keep in it, and thankfully they’re not expired, since I have no idea if Kyle bothered bringing any on an all-guys rafting trip.
I’ll need to swap them out in a couple of months though, and I’m putting a reminder into my phone when someone clears their throat.
I look up to find Kyle standing outside my tent.
“Come in,” I say as I finish typing the reminder.
He steps into the tent, zipping the privacy door shut as I climb to my feet and extend a hand for him to take, tugging him toward me when he does.
He crosses the space, looping his free arm around my waist as I bring my mouth to his, and I’m definitely not upset that he’s not much of a talker.
I release his hand and slide mine into his hair, pressing myself against him harder, deepening our kiss, stroking my tongue across his hungrily, telling myself that this is exactly what I need.
A quick and simple one-night stand to blow off some steam so I can forget about Tre, and how good kissing him feels, and—what the hell am I doing thinking about Tre right now?