Chapter 23 Dom
TWENTY-THREE
DOM
The emptiness of space chills me without my brothers. Yet, it’s not as cold as what's waiting for me on Oloria.
As the solar system sun fades in the rear windows of the All-Mother’s private craft, Nevare’s faint voice says, ‘Look after Shade!’
Shade? I send out my senses. The Sanitatum sits in Law-rah’s quarters, exploring underneath her bed.
‘What are they doing on board?’
‘Law-rah needs them more than I do,’ Nevare says. As simple as that. ‘Just like you need each other.’
‘She doesn’t need me.’ She needs to be rid of me. And she will be, soon.
Both of them send a pulse of disbelief down the bond. Arik says, voice even fainter than before, ‘Hurry back, Dom.’
‘You will cope,’ I tell him, and myself. He has to.
‘We will be fine, of course, until your return. But… we will miss you.’
‘Every cycle,’ Nevare says, his honesty searing into me like a brand.
With that simple phrase, the lie I’ve been hiding from my wave brothers as we said our goodbyes on Earth breaks free. I snatch at it, but the truth echoes down our strong bond to the clones I’ve spent most of my life with: ‘I’ll never see them again.’
‘You’ll be fine. You have to be,’ Nevare says stubbornly, his voice strained with the growing distance between us. ‘You said so.’
‘I’m sorry, Nevare. I lied.’ Because once we land on Oloria, I’m expecting to be arrested by dutiful Parthiastocks and shot or strangled. That will break the mind sync for Law-rah and, because she’s out of range of Nevare and Arik, she shouldn’t be dragged back in again.
It’s perfect.
Cold thoughts snag mine. ‘Not perfect. Don’t go!’
‘I have no choice,’ I tell Nevare, gently disentangling him. ‘The mind sync with Law-rah is affecting you too. I’m sorry I’m not a better Base.’
‘You’re an excellent Base! Come back! I need you.’
My hearts, what’s left of them, break. ‘You have Arik. Farewell, wave brothers.’
Nevare’s protests float away, no doubt to be comforted by Arik. Without me, Arik will be under increased pressure, but my mind was becoming divided, my loyalties threatening to tear me apart.
It's better this way, for all of them. No more split loyalty. No more explosions through the mind-sync. No more choices to make. My pathway is programmed like the All-Mother’s ship, a one way trip to Oloria.
The scent of earth roses and warm spice announces Law-rah’s presence before I feel her in the mind-sync. The human slides her arm around my waist. “Thank you. I know you’re taking a huge risk for me. I'll keep you safe, don’t worry.”
An impossible promise, but the fact she wants to offer me that comfort is warming. It secures me to my pathway. This course is the correct one.
No matter how it ends for me.
Law-rah’s fingers weave between mine. “Are you alright?” With those simple words, she confirms she's my Law-rah, with me right now, in this moment. I have her whole attention, and it's both too much and not enough at the same time.
I ground myself on her touch, wishing I could brand the feel of her skin against my scales into my memory for all time. “I am.”
“I can feel you're… upset.”
“My apologies.” I lower my gaze. Her presence is a beacon next to me, the lodestone I yearn toward. She’s the only member of the mind-sync I can reach and my thoughts travel down the connection between us.
I pull them back. She doesn’t want me in her head. She made that clear—she keeps her mental borders guarded, and I must respect them.
“I can confine myself to quarters,” I offer.
She frowns. “Why would you do that?”
In answer, I gesture to my head. “The mind sync between us seems to be amplified, likely because Nevare and Arik are out of range of it.”
“Right.” She lets out a long, low breath and glances away, as if examining something only she can see. “I… I can tell you’re struggling. I can help.”
She says nothing more, waiting for me to choose, but the question bubbles up inside me, threatening to claw its way out of my throat: Why?
Why does she reach out like this, so warm, so open, only to shut the doors the moment I step close?
I don’t mean to think it, but my thoughts crack out across the bond before I can stop it.
Her eyes flash, sharp as betrillium. Drok na, she heard me.
A riot of tangled thoughts swarms across the mental connection, her emotions messy, fierce, but real: ‘NO TIME FOR OTHERS BUT WANT PARTNER.’
It strikes me like a veralash: her yearning for connection is real, but so is her fear. She wants intimacy, but not dependency. To be seen, not claimed.
“It’s complicated, Dom,” she says softly.
“So I see,” I murmur. “We have time. Perhaps I will understand. And… speaking it aloud might help you understand.”
She turns her head toward me slowly, considering. Her lips press together briefly, then part again. “I’ve… never told anyone this.”
“You… could tell me.” Drok na, I’m not worthy to know these things, but I want to. I crave to understand everything Law-rah gives me, help her the way she helps me.
If only she’d let me.
She snuggles closer to me, taking my wrists and wrapping them around her shoulders.
Putting me in a place of protection, making me her sanctuary.
“I know I shouldn’t say this to you, Dom, but it’s hard being a woman on Earth.
You have to be soft, but not too soft. Be firm, but not too harsh.
Be committed, but be there for your family.
Nurturing but not too gentle, and it goes on and on.
It's too much, and yet you're always not enough.”
My hearts twist. The picture she paints is one of constant, circular striving. I don't know how the females on Oloria organize themselves, but perhaps they have an equally competitive system in their pursuits. I wouldn't survive if my orders were so unclear.
“I chose to put my career first,” she says, facing out into the far reaches of space. Her reflected face is determined, eyes hard as she regards herself.
Images pelt me across the link. Men, women, people with tears in their eyes or heads in their hands. People in need of help.
The people Law-rah fights for.
An image of an older man floats between us, head bowed as he's led away. Quick as the image appears, Law-rah pulls it back, locking it tight in her mental room.
Her eyes flick up to meet mine in the misty reflection of the window. They're tired, yes, but determined.
She sighs. “Yeah. Plus, I have things I want to do, and guys don't like to be second, Dom. The type A’s I go for want to take charge and be the center of my world. They say they’re okay coming after what I have to do, but finding someone who’s truly happy with that is proving difficult.
” She snorts. “Plus, it's probably about control. Mine. My whole life has been about managing expectations, deflecting pressure, staying ten steps ahead of anything that might undo me.”
Her unspoken words ring between us. ‘SEX IS TOO VULNERABLE. INTIMACY IS DANGEROUS.’
I stay silent, listening with every cell.
She closes her eyes, but instead of stepping away from the mind-sync, she leans into it.
Gold rises in her aura. “If I make a mistake and give myself to someone, who didn’t see all of me, who didn't realize how important my work is to me, someone who decides to leave… it would destroy me. So I set a line. Marriage. Commitment. Someone who chooses me, all of me, including my job.”
I tighten my arms around the frail human. Law-rah's purpose was clear, and she lost it because of the interference by the mind-sync. No wonder she’s unraveling like a clone without the ability to fulfil their function.
A surge of warmth floods my chest where her body fits against mine.
Taking her to Oloria, caring for her on the way there as best I can, and curing her is the right choice.
“You are precious,” I say, voice low and rough.
“And you should be chosen completely. Not for what you do or what you give, but for who you are.”
Her breath catches, and her eyes flick up to meet mine.
We stay like that for a long moment, suspended in the honesty between us, neither retreating, neither advancing. Holding the fragile shape of trust beginning to form.
“I’m sorry you were drawn into the mind sync. If I could solve it, I would.”
And I will, once I’m euthanized.
She doesn't hear that.
“I… want to do something nice for you. For us.”
I glance down to find a look in her eye. Predatory, in a way which makes my cock leap in its carapace and my crinis swell.
Her nails score slowly across the scales on my chest. “Mm. You mentioned that you find it hard to think when we’re in a scene.” Heat pulses between us, an ebb and flow.
I have to take a deep breath to steady my heart rates. “Did I say the wrong thing?”
“No. Well, I’d prefer they thought I was having sex with you rather than doing kinky things with you until we both come.”
My scales tingle, as if a simulation of her hand brushes along them. “But we enjoy that.”
“Yes, but they don’t need to know that.”
Yet another of Law-rah’s borders, the boundaries she maintains.
She continues, “Anyway, as we have two weeks until we get there, and you said it helps you suspend all thought for a while, I wondered if you wanted to… play.”
Her word doesn’t encompass the depth of feeling I have for what we do together. It’s too lighthearted, too loose.
“I will always want to please you.”
She licks her lips. “Meet me in the kitchen galley in five minutes.” Then she rushes toward her quarters.
Sitting on a seat next to the pilot's at the console, I stare out into the dark heart of the universe.
Law-rah wants someone willing to come second in her priorities.
I have always come second at best: second to Nevare, second to Arik.
I'm in no way worthy to come second in a female's consideration.
My place is much lower, and I'm content with that.
I am.