Chapter 4 #2
I looked at it again to make sure I’d read it correctly. I laughed when I saw the photo and realized I had. “Okay, here is something. The Giant Lady’s Leg Sundial.”
A beat of silence.
“I’m sorry,” Marge said. “The what?”
“The Giant Lady’s Leg Sundial.” I laughed out loud. “I’m serious. It looks amazing. Like exactly what we need to do to break up this drive. Let’s do it. It’s only a few minutes off the highway.”
“What is a lady’s leg sundial?” Doris asked.
“I’m with Doris,” Alice said. “What is a lady’s leg sundial? Show me the picture.”
I pulled my phone close to my chest. “No. You can see it when we get there.”
“Nice!” Marge grinned. “This is what I’m talking about! Road trip surprises! Now to figure out how to get there. What’s the exit?”
“I’ll pop it into my GPS.”
Marge frowned. “I don’t need no stinkin’ GPS. I can figure it—”
I cut her off as I clicked for directions. “I’m the captain and I say we’re using the GPS.”
“Keep up that attitude, Putin, and there will be a mutiny!” she growled back, but stopped arguing.
“I’m the captain. Now… stay on this highway for five miles,” I started, ignoring her grumbles.
I gave her the directions as my phone spit them out, and only thirty minutes later, Bertha rumbled down a long gravel driveway, each of us grunting and cursing as we hit pothole after pothole.
Finally, we emerged into a small, mostly empty parking lot in front of a building.
The place had the stillness of a roadside attraction in the off-season—quiet and a little forlorn, like it was waiting patiently for summer people who weren’t coming yet.
“Is this the right place?” Alice asked, and we all looked around.
I saw the sign in front of the round building and double-checked the name on my map. “This is the place. At least, it says it is. That looks like a welcome center or something.” I pointed at the round building in front of us.
“Well, you’re the captain. What are we doing?” Doris asked.
“I guess let’s go inside and ask if they have the Giant Lady’s Leg Sundial?”
“I really hope this is the right place and the Giant Lady’s Leg Sundial is what I think it is.” Marge opened her door and hopped out.
We all climbed out of Bertha and strolled inside to what looked like a small store and a check-in office.
A woman’s voice pulled our attention to where she sat behind a desk, holding a novel. “Can I help you?”
“Hi there!” I started toward her, past the postcard displays. “I’m not sure if we’re in the right place, but we’re on a road trip and looking for a lady’s leg sundial. Is this the place?”
“Sure is,” she answered, setting her book down. Then she furrowed her brow as she looked at my head.
I realized I was still wearing my Viking helmet and gasped, quickly pulling it off and tucking it under my arm while I straightened my hair. “Sorry. Inside joke.”
She just smiled.
“Sweet! So, this is the place?” Marge hustled up next to me. “Can we see the leg? And is it what I think it is?”
The woman just chuckled. “Well, you’re welcome to go and see it. Through those doors and out into the yard.”
I glanced at the doors and then noticed, posted at intervals on the walls, black text on white. NO PHOTOGRAPHY.
I frowned. That was odd. What kind of roadside attraction didn’t allow photography? I had imagined us taking photos in front of it, as I knew Tom would never believe me without proof I’d been here.
I looked back at the woman behind the desk. “Would it be okay if we took a few pictures? Out by the sundial?”
She shook her head and pointed at the sign. “Sorry. No photography anywhere on the grounds.”
Marge looked at me, brow furrowing. “Wait. We can’t get a photo next to the Giant Lady’s Leg Sundial? Because if it is what I think it is, I’m gonna need a photo.”
“Marge,” I said. “It’s fine. She said no photography.”
“Just—” She turned back to the woman. “We’ve driven all the way here and we really want to document this whole trip—”
“The sign is very clear,” the woman said, firmer now but still Midwest pleasant.
Marge turned to Alice and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Give her the cancer card.”
Alice blinked back at her. “What?”
“The cancer card,” she mumbled out of the corner of her mouth.
Alice’s eyes widened. “What? No! I’m not telling a perfect stranger I have cancer to get her to do something for us. No, Marge. Don’t even think about it. No.”
“We have a get out of jail free card, the cancer card, and this is, like, the one perk of cancer, Alice. Let’s use it.”
“I am not leveraging my cancer diagnosis for roadside attraction photography!”
“This is important! I want a photo for Roxie!”
Before Alice could rebut, Marge spun back toward the woman who had resumed reading her book.
“Sorry to bother you again, ma’am, but we’re on a trip before her breast cancer surgery.” She pointed at Alice. “We’re documenting everything because, you know. Cancer.”
Alice’s mouth fell open as all our eyes bulged.
The woman’s expression shifted immediately. Something softened in her face, and she set her book down fully.
“My mother had breast cancer.” She looked at Alice. “You’re a warrior.”
Alice’s smile was so tight it could have cracked. “Thank you,” she said in a gracious voice, but one that also promised Marge a reckoning later.
“It’s fine. Go ahead and take your pictures.” The woman waved toward the door. “I’ll say a prayer for you. My mother beat hers. You’ll beat yours too.”
“I appreciate that,” Alice said, her smile turning into a grimace the moment she locked eyes with Marge.
Marge ignored the threat, grinning like the Cheshire cat as she strode toward the doors.
“Thank you so much.” I pulled Alice and Doris along behind me.
We pushed through the door and out into a large open yard, and one by one, we stumbled to a stop.
There it was—an enormous sculpture of a woman’s leg, fishnets and all, jutting skyward at an angle. The kind of thing that made you blink twice and then look around to see if anyone else was seeing what you were seeing.
The Giant Lady’s Leg Sundial in all its glory.
“It’s magnificent,” Marge said reverently. “It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. I was hoping it was this, and it’s… this. Freaking awesome.”
“It’s… a giant lady’s leg,” Alice said, disbelief in her voice. “It really is a giant lady’s leg sundial.”
My surprise was different, having seen photos of it on the internet, but nothing could have prepared me for seeing it in person. “This is so much better than I thought it was going to be.”
“It’s huge!” Doris stared wide-eyed. “A huge lady’s leg!”
“Roxie is gonna die!” Marge took off, her shoes crunching through the random patches of leftover snow as she beelined toward it. “Come on! Someone take a picture of me!”
She stood in front of it, arms opened wide as she grinned. I pulled out my phone and snapped several photos. “Okay, who is next?”
“I hate to say I want a photo in front of this monstrosity, but…” Alice paused, then started toward it. “I want the photo.”
I laughed and took her photo, then Doris’s next. Then it was my turn, and I lay on the platform beneath the leg, making mine arch in the same way as the sculpture. The girls cheered me on as I posed, and then Marge joined me.
“Okay, we all need to get one together.” I waved them to me.
We lined up in front of the leg, shoulder to shoulder. I held out my arm, but it wasn’t long enough to get us all in the photo and keep the leg in the frame. We tried several times for almost a minute, the perfect photo of the four of us with the leg eluding me.
We were mid-shuffle, laughing at something Marge had said, when a voice came from across the yard.
“Would you like me to take one of all four of you?”
We turned, and one by one, our mouths fell open.
An older man walked toward us from the direction of the main building. He wore a heavy winter coat, open at the front, rubber boots, and a knit cap.
But it wasn’t what he was wearing that had us gawking and choking on our next breaths.
It was what he wasn’t wearing.
Anything else.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
His naked form beneath his coat was fully on display as he strolled toward us with a grin.
“Teresa said she gave you all permission to take some photos on account of the…”—he paused, his lips pressing into that sympathetic smile—“cancer. Sorry to hear it. My wife went through it too. Five-year survivor.”
He flexed an arm as he smiled proudly, but the movement opened his coat more, giving us a better view of his completely exposed wiener.
Doris’s hands flew to her eyes as she spun around. “Oh, heavens to Betsy!” she whispered in horror.
The rest of us stood frozen, trying to process this strange development while keeping our faces as neutral as possible, which we were all failing at in equal measure.
He reached us and smiled pleasantly, hand extended for the phone. “I’m Gerald. Happy to get a shot of all of you together.”
Marge recovered first. “Hi, Gerald. Is there a reason you, uh… you don’t have… that you… I think you forgot something there, buddy.” She waved a finger in the general direction of his junk. “Pants. You forgot your pants, pal.”
He didn’t even look down, just shrugged. “This is a nudist resort. I’m sorry, I thought you realized that.”
Slowly, Alice and Marge swiveled their heads toward me, accusatory eyes meeting mine.
I defended myself against the wordless accusation. “I didn’t know!”