Chapter 19
Rika
I'm drowning in my own bed, face down in my pillow, when ice-cold water hits the back of my head like a slap from the universe itself.
I jolt upright, sputtering and gasping, my pale-blue hair plastered to my face, my t-shirt soaked through and clinging to my skin. My wings snap open reflexively, flinging droplets across my bedroom like a sprinkler system gone rogue.
My mother stands beside my bed, holding an empty glass, her expression somewhere between furious and triumphant.
Belinda Everdeen is dressed in her usual flowing tunic, this one a swirl of purple and orange that hurts to look at this early in the morning.
Her turquoise eyes are blazing with fury like I just took away all her crystals.
"What the hell, Mom?" I manage, wiping water from my eyes.
"Good morning to you too, sunshine." Mom sets the glass down on my nightstand with a decisive clink. "I refuse to let you stay in bed drowning in regret and self-pity. You're about to ruin your best chance at happiness, and I'm not having it."
She crosses her arms and just stares at me. I'll admit that Belinda Everdeen can be a scary woman, even if she's barely five feet tall.
That's when I notice them.
Zoe and Matthew are standing in the doorway, both watching the scene unfold. Zoe has her arms crossed, her expression part concern, part exasperation. Matthew clutches Mr. Gears to his chest, his purple eyes wide and worried.
"You're being a chickenshit, Rika." Mom holds up one hand and I suddenly feel like I'm ten years old and refusing to do my meditation with her. "And as your mother, I'm calling you out on it."
"Mom! Don't swear in front of the children!" I sputter, shaking my head like a dog. I'm vaguely satisfied when droplets land right on her face.
"I will call my daughter a chickenshit when she's being a chickenshit." Belinda plants her hands on her hips, completely unapologetic.
My face flushes hot with embarrassment and anger, my hands trembling as I grip the wet sheets. "What exactly are you talking about?"
Even though I know perfectly well.
Mom's voice goes flat and unimpressed.
"It's about Noah. Of course it's about Noah. Who else would it be about?"
"How do you even know about Noah and me?" I reach for my head and massage my brows as a pulsing headache blooms behind my eyeballs. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know because it doesn't matter. It's over anyway."
I lift my chin defensively, trying my best to ignore the way Zoe shoots eye-daggers at me. The girl is going to grow into a fearsome pixie. I pity whoever finds themselves on her wrong side.
Mom's eyes narrow dangerously. She reaches into the pocket of her tunic and pulls out a bundle of sage tied with string, waving it at me like a weapon.
"Don't make me smudge the lies right out of you, Rika Everdeen.
Tell the truth right now or I'm lighting this thing up and we're doing a full spiritual cleansing. "
Before I can respond, Zoe's voice cuts through from the doorway, calm and matter-of-fact.
"I already know, Mom. We both do."
Matthew nods vigorously beside her.
My heart drops into my stomach. I turn to stare at my daughter, my pulse hammering so hard it feels like my ribs might crack. "Zoe, I—"
Zoe steps into the room, her sapphire wings folded neatly against her back, her expression more mature than any thirteen-year-old should have to be. "I'm not a baby, Mom. And I'm not stupid. I see the way Noah looks at you. And I see the way you look at him when you think no one's watching."
"Noah makes you smile, Mom." Matthew pipes up, his small voice earnest and sweet. "Like, really smile. Not the smile you do when you're pretending everything's okay."
Pain shoots through my chest and I press my hand over my mouth to hold back a sob. My wings tremble against my back, the tips brushing the headboard.
Zoe takes a step closer, her blue eyes fierce and determined. "I've never seen you happier than you've been the past few weeks. Never. Not even before Dad left. Maybe especially not before Dad left."
The words land like a revelation. I have to look away, staring down at my lap where my hands are twisted in the wet sheets.
"I want you to be happy, Mom." Zoe's voice is closer this time. "When you're happy, our whole house is happy. Everything feels lighter. Better. I want that for you. For all of us."
I look up at my daughter through blurry eyes, seeing the strength and love there, and feel something shift deep in my chest. The first crack in the wall I've built around my heart for far too long.
My gaze shifts back to Mom, and my voice comes out thick and broken.
"It's too late, Mom. I already blew it. I ruined everything."
Mom's expression softens just slightly, but she doesn't move to comfort me yet.
"Tell me what happened."
I take a shaky breath and force the words out, each one feeling like pulling glass from a wound.
"Noah got a job offer. From some posh private school in New York City. Great salary. Everything he could want."
Matthew makes a small, distressed sound from the doorway, but I keep going, the words spilling out now that I've started.
"He told me he didn't want to take it. That he wanted to stay here. With me. With us."
Mom's eyebrows lift. "That sounds like a good thing."
"But before he turned the job down, he wanted something more from me." My voice breaks. "He said if he turned down that job, he wanted us to stop hiding. He wanted us to tell the kids and everyone else."
My hands are shaking so badly now that I have to press them flat against my thighs to still them. My wings droop behind me, the tips dragging across the mattress. "And then he told me…"
I have to stop. Have to swallow against the lump in my throat that feels like it's choking me.
Mom waits, patient and unwavering.
"He told me he loves me," I finally whisper. "He said he's in love with me. Completely. And he needed to know if I felt the same way."
The room goes completely silent. Even the sounds from outside seem to fade away.
"And what did you say?" Mom asks quietly.
My face crumples. I bury my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking with sobs. "I didn't say anything. I just… I walked out. I left him standing there and I walked away."
The tears come hard and fast now, ugly crying that makes my chest heave and my nose run. I feel Matthew climb onto the bed beside me, his small arms wrapping around my waist. Then Zoe is there too, pressing against my other side.
Mom finally moves, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling all three of us into her arms. Her wings wrap around us like a shield. She strokes my wet hair with one hand, her touch gentle but firm as I cry. And cry some more. "Oh, baby girl."
We stay like that for several minutes, me crying into Mom's shoulder while my children hold me tight. I haven't cried in so long, it's like all the hurt I've held inside during my marriage to Mitchell is spilling out. All that heartbreak and loneliness.
All those nights I went to bed alone, all those days I pretended I didn't know he was cheating to protect my children and give them an unbroken family.
All that pain spills out of me in a fresh flow of tears. When my sobs finally subside into hiccupping breaths, Mom pulls back just enough to look me in the eye. Her turquoise gaze is steady and knowing.
"Listen to me very carefully, Rika. It's not too late."
I shake my head, wiping at my face with the back of my hand. "You didn't see his face, Mom. I broke his heart. He told me if I walked out that door, it was over. And I walked out anyway."
"If Noah loved you yesterday," Mom says firmly, "he still loves you this morning. Love doesn't just evaporate overnight, sweetheart. It doesn't work that way."
I want to believe her, but fear claws at my throat. "What if I already ruined it? What if he won't forgive me?"
Mom cups my face in both hands, forcing me to maintain eye contact.
"Then you fight for it, dammit. You go there and you tell him the truth. You tell him you're scared and you're broken and you've been hurt before. And then you tell him you love him back."
My breath catches. "What if—"
"No more what-ifs." Mom interrupts. "You've spent your entire life playing it safe, Rika.
You married Mitchell because you were seventeen and pregnant.
You worked yourself to the bone because that felt safer than being home with a man you didn't love and who surely didn't love you either.
You've been so terrified of getting hurt by love that you've been hurting yourself instead. "
Each word hits like a punch to the gut, because they're true. All of it is true.
Zoe squeezes my hand, her voice quiet but determined.
"You deserve to be happy, Mom. And Noah makes you happy. Anyone can see that."
Matthew nods against my side, his voice muffled by my shirt. "You deserve to be happy, Mom. Plus, Noah bakes really good cookies."
Despite everything, I let out a watery laugh, pressing a kiss to the top of Matthew's green hair. The simple, childlike reasoning somehow makes more sense than anything else.
Mom stands up, pulling me to my feet with surprising strength for such a small woman. Looks like years of yoga paid off.
"So here's what's going to happen. You're going to drive to Noah's house and you're going to fight for your happiness. For your family's happiness."
I stare at my mother, then at my children, and I feel it. It's not just a crack this time, it's a full breakdown. The wall I've built around my heart comes crashing down, and in its place is something terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
Hope.