26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
Malina
A ll I wanted was to be left alone. I hadn’t wanted to be taken to Ryker and hear his nonsensical spiel about how he believed Kya was still alive. He was crazy, and I couldn’t understand how everyone else didn’t see it. I chalked it up to them either wanting it to be true or lying to appease him and trying to make me feel better.
I wasn’t falling for it. I didn’t want to deal with this shit.
There was no way she had survived. And Hakoa, standing here trying to tell me Kya miraculously survived not only the Rip but also the Onyx Kiss, it just pissed me off.
She was dead.
Ryker was insane.
And it was my fault.
The moment Ryker stormed off, I spun and headed in the opposite direction, wanting to get away to my rooms where I could find a sliver of peace.
“Malina,” Hakoa called out, following me as I darted through the dark rows of books. “Stop.”
Part of me desperately wanted to crawl into his arms and pretend like everything was right in the world. But it wasn’t. I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to forget. I wanted him again. When I was with him, it felt right. But how could I let things feel right after all the horrible shit I’d done? Kya, Dax, the demid… I was in a dark hole, and I didn’t want to drag him down with me.
He didn’t deserve that. I just needed to get away from him.
So, I made my choice.
I knew it was useless trying to run. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t find me back in my rooms later but at least there was a locked door and a stashed demid elixir tucked away in a cabinet. All I had to do was take it, and I could drift off into nothingness.
Hakoa was much faster than I was and caught up to me quickly, grabbing my upper arm and pulling me to a stop.
“Damnit, sunshine. Stop running from me.”
“No,” I said firmly. “And don’t call me sunshine .” There wasn’t any light left in me.
“Why are you fighting against me?”
“Because you’re already fucking everything up.” I ripped my arm from his grasp and walked off, but he continued to follow.
Persistent, stubborn-ass brute…
“How?” he asked incredulously. “I haven’t done anything except save you from freezing to death because you passed out from demid. And try to show you Kya is still alive.”
“Stop! You can’t take the word of a male who lost his mate. He’s deranged and desperate. Of course he wants to believe she’s alive, but there is no way she survived,” I clipped as I opened my door and walked in.
I tried to throw it shut behind me but Hakoa caught it and entered anyway, closing it softly.
“You don’t know that for sure—”
“I do!” I shouted as I spun and got in his face. “You weren’t there. Ryker wasn’t there. I was. The arrow pierced her in the heart. I wanted her death to be quick. I didn’t want her to suffer the fall. It would have taken only minutes for her to die, if that. Not even a blood wielder could have saved her or Daegel. She made me part of her sacrifice, and now she’s dead . They both are.”
My chest heaved, and my heart was racing. I was so angry. With Hakoa for pushing this so damn hard. With Ryker for leading people on with his delusion. With Nikan for getting caught.
With myself.
With her…
“Malina—”
“I can’t do this right now, Hakoa. I need you to go. I need to— You need to leave.” My body was buzzing, and my head began to throb.
“Why? So you can take another vial?” He looked around. “Is there another one here?”
“No,” I lied defensively.
But my dumb-ass quickly glanced at the cabinet, as if to reassure myself I still did have it. I kicked myself inwardly and hoped he hadn’t noticed.
He had.
Hakoa followed my eyes. Then he looked back at me with realization etched across his face, with disappointment.
Shit.
He took a step toward the cabinet, and I maneuvered around him, trying to stop him from finding the elixir.
Fear took over.
I kneed him in the stomach, grabbed his wrist when he bent over and twisted it behind him. Then I planted my foot in the middle of his back, knocking him down. I knew he wasn’t fighting back, but I took the win regardless and jumped toward the cabinet.
Hakoa was up in a second, and he wrapped his arm around my waist, pinning my arms to my sides.
“Let go,” I demanded.
“No,” he boomed. He had never taken such a harsh tone with me before, and I nearly flinched.
Desperate, I wielded bright light from my hands—not bright enough to blind him, but uncomfortable enough he had to turn his head away. Light didn’t bother me, and I could see through the luminescence as Hakoa reached for the high cabinet and fumbled through it, pushing the clutter around until he pulled out that blissful vial.
I let my light fade, staring intently at the liquid while wishing it was draining down my throat.
He held up the demid, looking at it as if it was a venomous serpent. “ This is what you want?”
I didn’t respond—too concerned with how I was going to get that vial out of his hands and into mine.
“Malina, look at me.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t pry my eyes away from the elixir as my mind reeled.
What is he going to do? Will he take it away? Will he dump it down the drain? If he gets rid of it, I won’t be able to get another one until tomorrow. I can’t wait that long…
Hakoa sighed, shaking his head. “I can’t let you do this to yourself. Even if you hate me for it now.”
I barely had time to react before he raised his hand and threw the vial down onto the floor, shattering the glass and splattering the demid.
“What have you done?!” I screeched.
Panicking, I ripped myself from his grasp and threw myself to the floor on my hands and knees. The broken glass cut into my skin as I tried gathering the demid in my palms, licking up as much as I could get before the liquid could seep between my fingers. I wasn’t fast enough, and fear coursed through me at the thought of the elixir going to waste after all I had gone through to get it—at the shameful price I had had to pay.
Not knowing what else to do, I brought my lips to the floor. In desperation, I began lapping it up from the stone, not stopping even as splinters of glass found my tongue.
“Gods above…” Hakoa whispered. He yanked me up from the floor, and I kicked at him.
“Hold on, there’s still more!” I snarled, clawing at the floor, at his arms, as he carried me away.
“Malina,” he said, setting me down. My eyes were glued to the liquid as I watched the last of it slip through the cracks. “Malina!”
My eyes snapped to him, mortified by his actions. “What is wrong with you? I’m not hurting anyone.”
“Sunshine…” His features were contorted with something mixed between sympathy and bafflement. “You need help,” he whispered.
“ You need to leave,” I said with a lethality I rarely used.
He shook his head. “Let me help you. Please.”
He still didn’t get it. I didn’t want his help. This was exactly what I didn’t want him to see.
I can get him to leave…
Hakoa’s eyes were pleading for me to stop this. But I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to. He was a good male, and he didn’t deserve to be put through this. I was hurting him for his own sake.
I sighed with resignation. It was better to wound him now, rather than making him suffer longer by concerning himself with me. I was nothing more than an anchor destined for the depths of my own demise.
My stomach twisted as the words crawled out of my mouth, tasting as repulsive as they sounded.
“Do you know what I had to do to get that?” I said with heartbreaking calm, and Hakoa stilled. “I fucked my supplier. Each and every time. Over and over, for weeks.”
A hole opened in the pit of my stomach when his deep, golden face paled, and whatever light he had in his amber eyes faded into pained despair.
“Do you know what I’m going to do to get more? I’m going to fuck him again.” My vision distorted as tears formed. “I don’t want your help. I don’t want you here. Now leave so I can replace that vial.”
It was the look of betrayal that punctured a piece of my heart and nearly knocked the breath from my lungs. I regretted it the moment I said it, but it was too late. I couldn’t take it back now. Whether it was due to my pride or the fixation I craved, I didn’t even try to retract my words.
It’s better this way.
He backed away, eyes filled with devastation and rage.
“I thought… I just wanted…” he stumbled on his words as his gaze burrowed into mine, searching.
Whatever he was looking for, he didn’t find it. I made sure of it, keeping my stare empty.
I didn’t know what he thought or what he wanted. Whatever he was thinking, whatever it was he hoped for, I had tarnished it. I had run away from him. I had told him to leave. I had fought against him. It didn’t matter what he wanted. He wasn’t getting it.
And he knew it.
After a moment and without another word, he backed away. There was the slightest hesitation, as if he was waiting for me to take back what I said, before his face glowered with fury, making my heart twist painfully. Then, he turned and left, slamming the door behind him.
I released a shaky breath, relieving the tension in my body. I backed up, sat in one of the cushioned chairs, and hung my head.
As the air settled, the reality of what just occurred hit me. I replayed the event in my head and realized just how low I had sunk—realized how I had broken my own promise to myself, how the demid was ruining me when I thought it would save me.
“What have I done…”