Chapter 51
Ridge
I pace up and down the hallway, going over everything in my head like I have been doing for three days.
I felt like Robyn needed space and some time to work through everything. I didn’t want to bombard her. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’m also a coward because there is a big part of me that is too afraid to face her.
Every excuse I come up with sounds hollow. I’m not sure how to tackle this. I’m tempted to leave and to come back another time.
Shit!
“Are you going to keep pacing all night?”
I turn my head. Smoke is standing at the far end of the corridor.
“I’m thinking,” I say.
“You’ve been thinking for a while now.”
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?”
“Nope.” He doesn’t move. “I’m on guard duty. You assigned me. Just knock on the door already,” he says.
“You know I’m your boss, right? You shouldn’t be giving me orders.”
“I say it like I see it. Knock!”
I turn toward the door and roll my eyes.
Fuck!
I don’t want to do this.
Smoke is right, the longer I stand out here, the worse my anxiety gets. I’ve never felt this nervous about anything. Not even when I was a fighter on the frontlines and facing death on a daily basis. I’d rather go back there than face a tiny human female.
I pull in a slow breath, raise my hand, and knock.
“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he says from down the hall.
I give him a hard look, and it wipes the smirk off his face.
My mouth has gone dry.
It doesn’t take long before there are footsteps on the other side of the door.
The lock turns, and Robyn is there. She smells amazing and is dressed in old sweats; her dark hair is down around her shoulders in a tumble. So, fucking beautiful that I just stand there like an idiot.
She takes one look at me, and the warmth that was on her face fades.
“Ridge.” Her voice is careful. “Why are you here?”
I swallow thickly and clear my throat.
“I need to talk to you.”
She looks at me for a beat. Something moves behind her eyes and closes off just as quickly.
“You already apologized,” she says. “I heard you. I get that you were doing your job. I know that, and I hold no grudge about it. I mean that.” She glances briefly at the hand I have resting against her door frame, then back up at me.
“Thank you for everything you did to get me out. I told Flint to pass it along. I hope he did.”
“He did.” I nod.
“Good. Then I think that’s everything.” She starts to pull the door shut.
“Robyn, please.”
She stops.
“Five minutes, that’s all I’m asking. Five minutes, and if you still want me to go after that, I’ll go. I won’t come back. I need a chance to explain.”
“There is nothing to explain,” she says. “You apologized, and I accepted it. Thanks for coming by. I wish you all the best.” She closes the door.
I stand there looking at the grain in the wood.
What the hell?!
Smoke chuckles softly. “Sorry.” He holds up a hand. “She’s seriously pissed.”
I sigh.
What now?
I should probably go. I scrub a hand over my face.
“You had better not be giving up,” Smoke tells me. “Knock again. Insist on a conversation.”
I give him another hard look.
“I’m overstepping. Apologies. It’s the last you’ll hear from me.” He pretends to look the other way, which means he’s staring at the door two apartments down across the hall.
He’s right.
I’m being a pussy. I need to do this.
I knock. After a minute, I knock again.
Robyn finally opens the door, looking flushed. “What is it? There is no more to say.”
“There’s a lot more to say. Hear me out, please. You don’t even have to say anything in return. I swear. I have to tell you a few things.” I hold her gaze. “Please. It’s important.”
“Fine. I’m listening.”
“Not here…inside. It needs to be private.” I look down the hall at Smoke, who grins and gives me a thumbs-up.
Holy shit!
Robyn looks at me for a few seconds, then she steps back from the door. Her face gives nothing away.
I go in, and she closes it behind me.
“I’m not going to offer you a seat or a drink,” she says, “because this won’t take long.” Her chin is up; her eyes are hard and focused on mine.
I knew this was going to be tough, but I still think I underestimated just how tough.
“Fair enough.” I stay where I am. “I want to apologize again for the way I handled things.”
“You already apologized, and I already accepted. Let’s just move on with our lives. I’m good, Ridge.”
“I can’t. I need you to understand.”
“Understand what? You were doing your job. Fine, I get it, but you should never have had sex with me.”
“No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have, but I was powerless to stop it.”
She chokes out a laugh.
“That’s bull, and you know it.”
“I told myself what was happening between us was about the assignment. I told myself I was staying close to you because of the case. I knew it was wrong. I even went to Reed and asked to be pulled off the assignment. I told her that we had slept together.”
Her mouth drops open. “You lied.”
“I’m sorry. I was told not to say anything. My request was denied. I tried to have myself removed. I—”
“Not hard enough.” Her eyes are blazing.
“You’re right.”
“I felt betrayed, Ridge,” she says. Her voice is quiet, but nothing about it is soft. “I still do. I can’t get over it.”
“I know.” My voice is gruff. “And there is no version of this where I justify what I did. I can’t, and I’m not trying to.
I’m telling you that it was real for me, too.
What I felt… What I feel for you is real.
I wouldn’t allow myself to see it. I made excuses.
I told myself that it was just sex. But I was lying to myself.
” I exhale. “My dragon figured it out before I did. So did Flint, and I shut both of them down.”
She’s very still.
“Figured what out?”
I look at her straight. “That I’m falling for you as well. I enjoy being with you. It isn’t just sex. Maybe that’s how it started, but—”
“You should stop there.” Her voice is deadpan.
“I care for you. I have real feelings. It may have started out as an arrangement and an assignment, but somewhere along the line, it changed.”
She shakes her head. She lifts one hand, palm out.
She looks so together, while I feel like a colossal mess.
“Don’t,” she says. “Please don’t.” She takes a breath. “Thank you for coming. Thank you for what you did to free me, and for saying this. I know it couldn’t have been easy.” Her hand drops. “But I told you from the beginning I didn’t want a relationship. That hasn’t changed.”
“You told me you were falling in love with me,” I say it quietly.
Her eyes soften for a moment, but it doesn’t last.
“I was,” she says. “I said that I was falling, not that I was in love with you. I’m almost glad that things happened the way they did. It made me realize I’m not cut out for love.”
“Of course you are,” I tell her.
“Nope.” She meets my eyes. “I’m really not.
The long and the short of it is that I don’t want anything serious.
It was great while it lasted. I really enjoyed the sex.
Thank you. This can be a story I tell my friends at the old age home one day.
” She gives a little laugh, managing to sound like she means it. And maybe she does.
“Don’t say that, Robyn. You deserve to be loved. To be—”
“No.” Her voice doesn’t waver. “We had an arrangement. It ran its course. You helped me, and I’m grateful.
Let’s walk away while we still can. It’ll be easier for both of us.
Please leave it at that. I don’t want to have to kick you out of my apartment.
There is nothing you can say to change my mind. ”
“I don’t want easier,” I tell her. “I want you.”
“You can’t have me.” She holds my gaze. She shakes her head. “We’re done.”
“Robyn.” My voice is a rough rasp.
“No.” She walks to the door and opens it. “I hope you have a wonderful life, Ridge. I really mean it.”
I feel like a failure when I walk out of her apartment.
“Don’t close this door. Please, Robyn.”
“Goodbye, Ridge.” Her voice wavers at the end, but maybe that’s my imagination.
Then she closes the door, and I just stand there like an idiot.
Smoke is still there. He has this look of pity on his face. “I’m sorry. I really thought you two would work it out.”
“Me, too.” I nod once. Then I turn and walk away.
I deserved that.
I knew this was the most likely outcome, but I had to try.
That’s it, then. We’re done. Over before we had a chance to start.
My heart feels heavy.