32. Brogan
My eyes met Declan’s, and I hated seeing the tears in them.
Maybe even more now than I did when we were younger.
As a kid, whenever he’d fall, scrape his knee, or endure any other calamity and would cry, I'd do everything I could to make those tears go away. I’d give him my candy bar, one of my favorite toys, or even my lucky baseball mitt.
I’d never wanted to see him cry, and I certainly never wanted to be the one who made him cry, so knowing his tears were because of me annihilated me.
It only dragged me deeper into the abyss.
“Don't cry,” I warned him.
“Then stop doing this to me… to us, Brogan,” he said. His tone, while emphatic, shook a little from the tears he had in his eyes. It was creeping into his voice. He was barely holding on as his body trembled slightly, as if the lid to his controlled composure was about to rip off completely.
I swallowed hard. “It's all just a big mess.”
“I know, but we can… can… we can work this out. We can fix this. Please, just give me the gun.”
I shook my head as I backed away from him. “No.”
I could see him eyeing the weapon before looking at me and what was around us as if he was waiting for the opportunity to attack me to get to the gun.
I caught his gaze once more, and at the look in his eyes, I knew what he was thinking.
I knew this man better than he knew himself, and I’d thought he knew me better than I knew myself, but if he did, he’d know that I’d finally reached my breaking point.
There was no way out of this short of a miracle happening. It was over, and I'd become way too jaded to believe in foolish dreams and wishes. He finally took a few steps toward me but stopped when I placed the barrel of a gun back to my head.
“Brogan, please listen to me. Don't do this, baby. You said that you loved me. If that’s true, you wouldn’t do this. You wouldn't make me watch you do this.”
“Then fucking listen for a change and leave, goddamit,” I yelled.
“I can't,” he said before releasing a sob. “I fucking can't, so please at least take your medicine, and if you still feel bad after you’ve taken a nap, we'll work this out.”
“There’s nothing you can say.”
“Don't do something you can't take back. Don't do something you can't come back from. There’s no coming back from this.”
“And that’s the point. My father was right.”
“Your father's not right about any goddamn thing, and he never has—”
“Yet, he was right about two things in one day.”
Declan shook his head profusely. “No, don't you dare let him into your head. Don't let him do this to you again. You're stronger than this, Brogan. We're stronger than this.”
I shook my head as a weary smile curved my lips. “But we're not. Can't you see he’s going to get his wish?”
“He doesn’t have to.”
“But he will because you'll never have a life with me after all. It’s better for us both that I let you go. I need to let you walk out of my life before it’s too late. But you won't do what I’m begging you to do. Instead of leaving and never looking back, you’ll stay by my side.”
“Of course, I’ll stay by your side because I love you.”
“Why? All I do and will ever do is hurt you.”
“You’ve just told me that you can't live without me. Well, I can't live without you, either. If you're going to put a bullet in your head, then put one in mine too, goddamn it. Just make sure you do mine first because I won’t breathe without you, either.”
This time, a sob came from my lips as he echoed my own words from earlier. My hand shook with the cold metal of the barrel still pressed firmly to my temple. “No, you still have a chance to have an amazing life.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I don't have a life without you. I’ll never be happy without you.”
“If you love me like you claim, then walk away like I’m begging you to do.”
“No,” he said more emphatically. “I’ll never leave you, so just put the gun down.”
“And that is something I just can’t and won’t do. Not even for you.”
So many memories raced through my head like a slide show on fast forward. I saw everyone from Layla to my mother, and even Enslee. And each clip exploded like a microburst, making me shake my head to release the pain, but it was still there.
“What’s wrong, Brogan? What are you thinking about?” he asked as if he could see the desolation swirling inside my head.
“The voices. They’re all here. The memories. All I can see is how easily everyone’s walked out of my goddamn fucking life. Not you though because you won't leave.”
“I’m not everyone else, and I won't leave because I have no life without you.”
“I’ve always loved you,” I confessed, and the tears in Declan’s eyes were now streaming down his cheeks.
“And I love you, Brogan. We’ll find Layla, and I’ll make sure Enslee doesn't talk. This doesn't have to be the end for us. It doesn't have to be the end for you. It doesn't have to be the end for me…”
“Quit saying that,” I warned.
“No, because you're not allowed to die. I love you so—”
“Everyone in my life leaves me. They've all walked away as if I was nothing.”
“You are something, baby. You’re mine, goddammit.”
“If you ended up in prison because of me, I couldn't even rest in Hell. In my twenty-nine years of life, you’ve been the one constant. An absolutely beautiful, unbreakable fucking gift, and I’ve never deserved you.”
“That's where you're wrong, Brogan. You’re all of that and more to me. I won’t let you do this.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered in a broken voice. “I have to.”
“If you do, I'm going to pick that gun up and shoot myself right after. I can promise you that. I’ll follow you because there's nowhere in this world or the afterlife that you can go without me. There's no life or death for you that doesn’t include me. Just know I’ll follow you, then hurt you the same way you're hurting me right now. I’ll break you the way you're breaking me right now.”
“Then destroy me like I'm about to do to you.” And when I pulled the trigger, a loud bang was followed by an even louder scream before I crumpled to the floor. Somehow in death, I’d expected the thick haze to finally lift…
the pounding of my skull to disappear… and the hollow ache in my chest to be gone instead of growing larger.
Several seconds later, I felt his strong hands shake me before he rolled me over.
When he did, I looked up into the eyes that I loved the most. Eyes I’d looked up into so many times.
The sound of the gunshot still rang in my ear, so I couldn’t hear his words, but I could read them on his quivering lips.
Thank fuck!
I knew in that moment the bullet I thought was meant for me hadn’t been. There was no joy or relief to be found in that. My lashes fluttered a few times as his large hands moved up and under my head. When he’d checked nearly every inch, his agonized gaze met mine.
The gun might not have killed me, but the pain in his normally vibrant eyes just might. “Declan,” I murmured before I wrapped my arms around him and pulled his head toward mine.