57. Enslee
I’d made a decision, and it’d been an agonizing one.
I hadn't seen either man in a few days, but both had called me repeatedly. I never doubted for a second that either cared about me, so it wasn’t that.
Maybe I had in the beginning before Brogan's arrest, but not after everything else had happened.
I now knew how much both men cared. Granted, it was in different ways, but that was because they were completely different, yet they were perfect for each other.
I'd come to realize I couldn't get in the way of that.
In all my short, jaded life, I’d never met two people who loved each other more than they loved each other.
They’d gone through so much together and were so willing to throw it away as if what they’d had meant nothing.
They had no idea how lucky they were. And yes, I understood Declan had betrayed Brogan so he didn't feel like he could trust him anymore, but the truth of the matter was that he’d had good intentions when he’d done it.
Declan should’ve trusted Brogan to handle the situation with Layla without needing to do it himself.
Two wrongs didn't make a right, and the longer they stayed apart, the longer everything felt so wrong and I had to rethink my earlier plan to stay out of it.
And while I could ease my way in, I knew the other would never be able to truly love me until they admitted they still loved each other.
If love as strong as theirs could end after one mistake on both parts, what would they do to me when they’d realized what type of person I really was?
It was a double-edged sword. Yes, the events in my past had not been my fault, but I'd never revealed them, which was why I could never stand beside Declan. As soon as people started looking into my past, they’d realize I should’ve never entered the world.
Once I had, my life had been embroiled with scandal and shame. I couldn't bring that upon Declan.
Then there was Brogan. He was now back to being one of the city's most eligible bachelors, yet I couldn't stand beside him, either. He’d already been through enough with Layla, so he certainly didn’t need me adding headlines of my own about him.
Besides, everyone would see the downgrade.
Even though his relationship with Layla had been fake, no one had known that.
They’d naturally compare us to one another, and I didn't have the sort of upbringing that would lend me worthy of either of these upstanding men.
And there were also the emotions. While they cared about me, I wasn’t delusional enough to believe that either actually loved me. There was sex and friendship, but it was all that either could offer me. As the last few days had agonizingly stretched on, I realized that was enough.
I did consider both of them to be friends, so I didn't want to lose their friendship.
My decision was made, and it was the right one for me.
I needed to look out for myself, so doing what I did so often, I needed to leave town.
The thing about the nomadic lifestyle was that I never stayed in one place long.
I never had a chance to develop relationships, feelings, or anything else.
I'd simply stay until I felt I could do so no longer, then I’d hit the highway.
That time in New York City had come. Still, it didn't make the pain of leaving any better, but I needed to do this. I’d reached out to both men separately to tell them goodbye. I didn't want to leave like I had last time, holding one hostage at gunpoint and fleeing town while the other was away.
I need to be as honest as I can afford to be.
I just hope I can be as strong as I need to be.
Both men had the uncanny ability to weaken me, which wasn't a bad trait on their part. It wasn't even a bad trait on my part. It just meant somewhere, and somehow, they’d managed to crack some of the walls I’d built around my heart.
The honest truth was I was madly in love with them, but not all love was requited.
I knew that better than anybody. Others I’d loved in the past had betrayed me as well.
Not all, but some. I looked down at the phone and saw that it was time.
I’d told Brogan I would meet him at eight p.m. at his penthouse.
I’d be glad to have some privacy, but at the same time, I was also a little nervous.
What if he tries to seduce me?
I shook my head. I wouldn't let him. I’d stand strong because at the end of the day, that was the hardest thing to do, and I’d never shied away from hard things.
I’d given and given all my life, never wanting to take the easy way out, doing what I knew was right in my heart, even if it kept mine in pieces.
That was exactly what would happen by the time I left this godforsaken city later this evening.
Thankfully, I had a plan in place. The holidays were coming up. Christmas was in a little over a week, and maybe if I was lucky, I could actually convince these two stubborn men to spend theirs together, although mine would be spent alone.
I forced those thoughts from my head, needing to stay focused.
I couldn't worry about tomorrow, the next day, or even a week or two from now. I certainly couldn't worry about what would happen in the new year. I’d just push forward like I’d done my entire life.
I'd never been one to look back, and I wouldn't start now.
I soon arrived at Brogan’s penthouse and walked to his door.
Although he’d given me the code to his private elevator, I didn't feel comfortable taking it. I knocked, and he immediately opened the door and stepped aside. As he closed the door, I turned and took in the sight of him. Brogan was dressed in dark pants and a sweater that were the same shade as his black eyes and dark hair. I’d also noticed he’d shaved the scruff on his chin since I’d last seen him the night he'd gotten out of prison.
Other memories of that same night came rushing back, and while Brogan was now a free man, the same sadness from that night remained.
I was sure I’d witness something similar on Declan’s face, which twisted my insides.
I’d tried to bring them back together, but my attempts had been futile.
There was a lot I could still say or do, but I knew this was something they had to work out on their own.
Besides, tonight wasn’t about Brogan or Declan, but about me, and what I needed to do for my own sanity and self-preservation.
“I'm glad you reached out to me,” he said tentatively.
I knew he had no idea exactly what I was here to do. He likely thought I was here for a repeat of the other night. Thank god my face didn't heat up at the thought of it, especially when I stared at the window and remembered being pinned against it as he’d fucked me hard.
“I didn't come for a social visit.”
“Oh?” he asked as he arched his brow.
He walked to me, and my words stopped him in his tracks. “I'm here to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye? What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said.”
“You can't leave town now, Enslee. We’re just getting to know each other, or at least I thought we were.”
“I know, but I have work to do.”
“Can't you take some time off from it?”
“No, Brogan, I can't,” I said, raising my voice a bit until I realized I was starting to get irritated.
Why do men always assume women would be the ones to put their lives on hold?
I never asked him to give up Sinclair Pharmaceuticals for me, nor would I ever.
The thought of pausing my only livelihood made me shudder.
If I got replaced by somebody else, I'd never get my life back, and I’d be worse off than I’d been in Brasstown.
He closed the distance between us, and I savored the feel of his hands on me once more.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that,” he said to me.
I looked up into his concerned eyes. “I know that's not what you meant. This is just hard enough already.”
“I want you to stay,” he said softly as he stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Please say you don’t have to leave right now.”
“I have to, Brogan.”
“It's him, isn't it?” he asked before he dropped his hands.
“Who?” I asked as I feigned ignorance.
“You know who I’m talking about. Him,” he said, and the fact that he wouldn't even say the other man's name filled me with even more pain.
“Say it, Brogan. Say his goddamn name… Declan.”
“No,” he retorted, and I shook my head.
“How can you expect me to stay when you're still so angry?”
“I'm more hurt than angry, so if you leave, I'm going to be in even more pain.”
This time, I was the one to bring my hand to his face. I leaned up and pressed my lips briefly to his, then pulled away before he had a chance to thrust his tongue into my mouth or do more. Brogan tried to pull me to him, but I pressed at his chest.
“I need you to make things right with him.”
“Why? What does he have to do with us?”
“I care about you both. I refuse to stay when you're both going through—"
“Are you saying the only way you’ll stay in town is if I make up with him?”
“I still won't stay in town,” I replied.
“Why not? I thought you said you loved me,” he said, throwing my words from the other night back into my face.
“I do, but I need to leave here for me.”
He walked away, but not far enough that I couldn’t watch him pace. “I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, everyone in my life walks away.”
“Not everyone,” I reminded him. “There’s—”
“Don't say his name. We could’ve had something together. You and I…”
“I never doubted that a moment, but this isn't about you and me. It isn’t even about Declan and me—” He growled at the mention of the other man's name, but I didn't care.
“I do love you, Brogan, so much so that the act of being in love with you will have to be enough for me.
You and I are from two different worlds, and ones that can't be bridged so easily.”
“I don't want to lose you,” he said genuinely, and I flashed a watery smile at him.