58. Declan
ONE MONTH LATER
Christmas had come and gone, and so had the start of another new year.
This had been the first time I could remember not seeing Brogan.
Well, at least face-to-face. We’d not attended any pre-holiday parties or met up for our own private New Year’s celebration.
I’d talked to Enslee for quite a bit on Christmas Eve and on New Year's Eve mainly because I knew she didn't have any family, either.
She was all alone in the world. I had others such as my parents, Jenni, Edna, my publicity team, and other acquaintances, but the one I was missing the most was completely gone to me.
Each day became harder to get through, especially because I’d continued to delude myself with false hope.
Even now that the Layla situation had been taken care of, Brogan still wouldn’t come around.
At first, I’d thought it was punishment and that he’d eventually remember the vow he’d made to me the night he’d held a gun to his head.
He’d begged me to leave, even telling me that he couldn't breathe without me. He hadn’t wanted to live without me, but now he was doing it so easily.
The media was more interested now that he'd beaten kidnapping and murder charges than they’d ever been before.
Brogan Sinclair was a local celebrity, and the paparazzi flocked around him like bees to honey.
For once, a small part of me was happy about that, even though I knew he likely loathed the attention.
For me, it allowed me to see him, and not just at scripted appearances.
Brogan was unapologetically himself in never even acknowledging the attention, but it still persisted.
Even at events for Sinclair Pharmaceuticals, he rarely ever spoke.
I supposed that was one of the things I missed so much.
So much time had passed between us that it got harder to remember his voice, and not the anger-ridden one he’d directed at me the last two times at his penthouse.
I missed his gravelly rasp in my ear, and I wasn’t too proud to admit to relistening to any saved voicemails of his.
It just fucking hurts so much right now.
As I’d watch any clips of Brogan, one question would keep repeating in my head.
How could you go on living so easily without me in your life?
Sure, it also looked like I’d done the same, but I was barely holding on.
I’d thrown myself into filming as I’d made up for the lost time while in Mexico.
We’d just wrapped everything up a few days before Christmas, and now I was awaiting the end of the month when I’d fly to California.
The next season of my current sitcom hadn’t yet been renewed, so I’d signed on to another movie.
The distraction I’d thought might help me heal my broken heart, but now I wasn’t so sure.
While I’d betrayed Brogan at the time, I’d tried taking solace knowing that he looked as miserable as I did.
It’d been enough to keep me going until tonight, when I’d caught a recent interview he’d done.
Sinclair Pharmaceuticals had just gotten FDA approval for a highly anticipated cancer medication, which could now be used to treat various autoimmune diseases, including lupus.
I’d known this was one of the drugs Brogan had been trying his hardest to push through clinical trials.
It’d been three years in the making, so knowing he'd finally gotten the FDA approval made me even prouder of him.
Sinclair Pharmaceuticals would soon be producing this particular drug and distributing it worldwide, possibly saving lives. The results from the clinical trials were extremely promising, and if it worked even half as well, his company would help so many people.
My man, the hero… This was something we should’ve been celebrating together, yet each of us were alone.
And we had been during the holidays, from what I could see.
Brogan hadn’t been photographed with anyone, and his now single status had bumped him back up every high society list as this season’s most eligible bachelor.
As it were, I'd spent the better part of the last few hours trying to type out a congratulations text, but I couldn't send it. Every time I pulled up a text message over the holidays and had thought to send it, I’d scroll up and read the various texts to and from one another over the years. I could see how much we’d loved each other, even though some of them were no more than the “How is your day? How are you doing? What are you thinking about?” variety.
Others were a bit more X-rated, and it wasn't even just sex with him that I missed.
Sex was simply a physical act. Sure, I could get myself off, but it’d been more than an orgasm that I missed so much. All this had shown me was that pleasure, like happiness, was truly fleeting, and sometimes you only had one chance to get it right. If you failed, well…
I’m the way I am because I’d failed myself… him… and mostly, us…
I missed Brogan’s voice and the feel of his arms around me.
I’d been haunted by memories of his lips on mine, and the soft caress of his warm breath on my skin.
Hell, I even missed the scent of his cologne.
I was going out of my fucking mind, which probably explained the reason why I’d been staring at this bottle of whiskey all day and hadn’t opened it yet.
I just stared, realizing I didn't want to get tipsy like I'd been doing recently. The holidays had been spent with me in a drunken haze. On Christmas Day, my parents had arrived in town, but I couldn’t recall a single thing about their visit. I’d started drinking from the time I woke up that morning until the time I’d gone to bed.
For me, it had been around six or seven p.m., and only that early because I’d crashed the fuck out.
I was surprised I didn't wake up with alcohol poisoning. I’d barely had as much as a hangover the next morning, but a different pain that constantly lingered was even worse.
Brogan hadn’t reached out to me at all. Not then, or in the week that’d led to the New Year coming and going.
Now, it was mid-January, and this year had already sucked more than any had ever sucked before.
All I did was agonize about the life that had once been mine.
The life that still should’ve been mine.
The life Brogan and I should be living together.
Maybe all these obstacles over the years had been a sign, but I didn't believe in shit like that. I believed in you getting what you put into life. I’d tried with the one I’d wanted one with, but it still left me with nothing in the end.
I was now jaded and left here alone with memories floating in my head.
Why won’t they just go away?
Although I missed Enslee, she was still in my life to talk to.
Brogan was a different story. I’d never really missed anyone or anything, but I missed him so much.
I didn't know a heart could literally break, and mine was in pieces. It’d started almost a decade ago when he’d asked me to be patient.
Goddamit, I’d waited all these years for him.
At first, it’d been for him to become CEO of Sinclair Pharmaceuticals.
After that, I’d been so sure we’d be able to confess our love to the entire world.
Finally, we’d be able to come out and live our lives like normal couples.
It hadn’t been in the stars, so I’d continued to wait just like he’d wanted me to do.
I'd been ready my entire adult life, but now there was nothing left to wait for. Maybe I’d held on for far too long, but it didn't matter.
Whether I was with him or without him, my love still remained, only now it was unrequited.
Raking a hand through my hair in frustration, I looked back at the bottle.
Maybe I should do the inevitable and start drinking.
If nothing else, it’d put me out early tonight, and we could be reunited.
At least in my dreams, he still loved me.
A sigh escaped, and I reached for it but paused when my phone began to ring.
“Brogan,” I whispered as I quickly grabbed it, but immediately noticed it was somebody else. Luckily, I wasn’t disappointed to see the caller's name flash across my screen. It just wasn't the one I’d been wishing for.
“Hey, Enslee.”
She sighed in resignation before responding. “I wanted to see how you were holding up, Declan. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing too well.”
“It is what it is.”
“Interesting,” she said.
“What is?”
“Brogan told me the same thing recently.”
“B-Brogan. You’ve talked to him?”
“Of course. He and I are friends too,” she replied.
“I know,” I said, then inwardly cursed myself for my earlier words. “If you don’t mind me asking, how is he?”
“He still sounds sad. I’m guessing you didn’t call him the other night like I sugg—”
“No, because what’s the use? He wouldn't take my call, anyway.”
“I think you’d be surprised. So much time has passed, and I don’t really detect anger anymore. He hasn’t said anything regarding you, so this is simply an observation, but I think he misses you as much as you miss him.”
“You don't know that, Enslee. You were there the night the charges had been dismissed against him. He can't forgive me, and he doesn't want anything to do with me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.”
“I know, but I wish there was something I could do for you both.”
“You could elaborate on how miserable he is without me,” I mused.
“You don't need me to tell you that because you already know.”
“I’m so thankful to have gotten to know you, Enslee. I hope you know that.”
“Again, something the two of you have in common, but I digress. Just because I wouldn’t choose between you and him doesn't mean that I care any less about either of you. For what it’s worth, he's hurting without you too, Declan.
Unfortunately, you're both so stubborn. One of you will have to make the next move.”