59. Brogan #2
There was so much we needed to get through…
so much we needed to go over… and deciding it was better to do in person versus over the phone, I closed out my contacts and went to the Life360 app.
I had no idea if he was even in the city, and if so, whether Manhattan or Staten Island.
As I pulled up the app, I wouldn't have been surprised to find he’d removed himself from our private group, but he hadn’t.
I could see that he was on Staten Island, which had been somewhere I hadn't been since the night Enslee pulled a gun on me. It’d been the night she’d recovered her memories, and the night I’d nearly ended it all.
And as this pain inside me continued to grip me in its tentacles, I often wondered if it wouldn't have been better to have died that night.
I'd put one bullet in the chamber, determined to let fate decide my destiny. It’d chosen to let me live, but my life since had been less than desirable.
Maybe that’d been the point. Perhaps I was meant to wallow in this misery.
I shook my head. If I was going to be stuck in this darkness, I wasn't going to be there alone.
I threw on some shoes and a jacket, then grabbed my things before heading out the door.
Once in the car, I drove through the city, eventually reaching the highway.
There weren’t a lot of people out this time of night, and the deteriorating road conditions were probably the main reason for that.
As I drove this time under the speed limit, I tapped my steering wheel in frustration.
Had the weather been better, I would’ve gone twice as fast and already been there.
I needed to show some restraint, and more importantly, I needed to confront him with a level head.
I didn't want to have to put my hands on him like I had the last time, at least not in anger. It wasn't something I’d ever done, even when we’d argued in the past. Truthfully, I'd never really been angry at Declan. I’d certainly never said and done the things to him that I had.
I was flooded with additional memories from that one summer back in our senior year until now, and these had been the only two times I’d ever purposely stayed away from him.
I’d adored that man. He’d been my whole world, even when neither of us knew it.
The music continued to play, and when Fire on Fire came on, I smiled knowing this was a song he'd loved so much. In fact, it was one of our songs. We’d only ever danced with one another a few times, and this song was always one of those we’d danced to.
I could also remember it playing through the speakers around his pool as he gripped the ladder while I’d fucked him hard.
I was now fully erect at that memory. While I should’ve been shutting them down, they were actually keeping me attentive.
The rapid swishing of my wipers was nearly enough to give me road hypnosis.
As I continued south, I started to find it strange that there was no traffic coming northbound into the city.
A few miles down the road explained why that was.
The other side of the highway was at a complete standstill as the road was blocked by a firetruck, ambulance, and various police cars.
Someone had an accident, backing up traffic for miles.
Thankfully, I was going the other direction, but as the people on my side of the road got closer to the accident, they'd slowed to be nosy as fuck. Once or twice, I thought about glancing over but didn’t until something inside nagged at me to look. When I did, I knew that car.
No, it can’t be. Can it?
I quickly merged off the road into the breakdown lane as my hands shook. No, there was no way it was him. Getting out of the car, I bolted across the median to where someone was being lowered onto a gurney. When one of the EMTs tried to pull me away, I saw the patient’s face and I screamed.
“Declan!” His body was mangled, and when I looked at his face, I saw blood pouring from a wound on his head.
Those blue eyes I loved so much opened, and his lips moved as if he was saying my name.
Right after, his eyes closed and he went still.
I was in shock until I watched one of the EMTs push him into the ambulance.
“I need to go with you,” I said to the man.
“I'm sorry. That's not possible.”
I couldn't say Declan was my boyfriend. I certainly couldn't say he was the love of my life, either. “He’s my friend. I—"
“I’m sorry, but we still can’t let you in here.”
“Where are you taking him?”
“Time’s of the essence, so we need to go.”
“The patient needs to get to the hospital immediately,” I heard another EMT say.
“Let’s get him to Mount Sinai,” the first EMT said before he closed the door.
Seconds later, the sirens blared as the ambulance raced away from me.
And as it did, I fell to my knees and knelt there for several seconds until I saw dark patches on the white snow.
My eyes welled with tears as I ran my hand through the cold, wet patch of crimson I knew was his blood.
Bringing my hands to my face, I rubbed the snow between my fingers, but the red remained on my fingers.
“Declan,” I cried out.
I turned to the mangled vehicle on its side, and fear filled me.
I could tell from the door that they’d had to use the jaws of life to pull him out.
Tears sprang to my eyes and started to roll down my cheeks, burning a trail over my flesh.
The cold air only amplified the sting as it froze them nearly on contact.
I couldn’t think about myself right now.
Am I too late? Is this Fate’s cruel way of ripping my heart from my chest again?
“Declan,” I cried out a bit louder this time.
“Sir, are you…” The other man’s voice trailed off as reality set in. A pair of hands gripped my shoulder, and I shrugged them off before rising to my feet. “Are you—”
“I have to get out of here,” I said to him.
I had to get to the hospital because I couldn't lose him like this, especially before I had a chance to tell him that I forgave him. More importantly, to tell him that I still loved him. That I still needed him.
I forced myself onto my feet and raced back to my car.
Not giving a fuck that it wasn’t allowed, I quickly crossed the median and sped in the direction of the city once more.
As I did, I tried keeping my composure, but it was hard.
The one thing that helped me in that endeavor was knowing I couldn’t fall apart right now.
Declan needed me, and he needed his parents.
I had his father's phone number in my contacts, so I called him and let it ring a few times until I heard his comforting voice. “Brogan, son, it's late.”
“I know. Declan’s been in an accident and he's seriously injured.”
“What? When? How?”
“I don't know, Chris. I was on my way to see him, and he’d been headed back to the city. I came upon the accident after it’d already happened.”
“Do you know which hospital they're taking him to?”
“Mount Sinai.”
“Thanks, son. We’re headed that way now. I need for you to keep it together. Can you do that, Brogan?”
“I'm trying, sir.”
“That’s all I can ask of you. We’ll see you soon.”
As the line went dead, I realized Declan had evidently not told his parents that we'd ended things because his dad was still so understanding.
I couldn't focus now on whether he did or didn’t.
I needed to get to Declan. As I sped toward the city, this time I gave no fucks about the laws of the road and made it there in record time.