61. Brogan
It'd been ten long fucking days of being at the hospital waiting on Declan to wake up. Everything the night of the accident had happened so fast. I’d gone from watching Declan lose consciousness right before my eyes to almost losing him multiple times afterward.
I’d fallen to my knees on the roadside that night, and multiple times since.
When he’d been driven away by ambulance, I’d rushed to the hospital the one medic had mentioned and made sure to call his parents to let them know as I sped toward my man.
As suspected, they’d dropped everything to get to the hospital, and that was for the best. Because of his celebrity status, he garnered more privacy than other patients did.
I’d been in the general waiting area until his parents had arrived.
Chris and Katie were convinced the medical personnel that Declan would want me there near him, so I’d been eventually able to move to the waiting room on his floor.
It’d almost been too late because I’d almost lost him when his parents had first gone in to check on him.
Declan ended up having a seizure, then went into cardiac arrest. Now, he'd been in a medical coma for almost two weeks.
Since then, we’d been taking turns sitting at his bedside.
I was going out of my mind, or what was left of it, as each day was the same damn thing—me spilling my heart out to him and Declan not showing any sign of response.
If it hadn't been for Enslee calling me every day to talk me off the fucking ledge, I might’ve gone to the top of the hospital and ended my fucking life.
Her not being here was hard, but she understood the need for discretion, considering all our secrets and Declan’s fame.
What kind of life would I have without him in it?
I'd never lied when I told Declan that I couldn’t live without him.
The only lie had been pretending as if I could.
There was no use carrying on this grudge any longer.
Life was too short and far too fleeting.
Some people deserved to suffer for their mistakes, but his had only been this one.
Sure, he'd fucked up, but hadn’t we all over the years?
His actions were not worth ending our entire relationship.
It wasn’t worth erasing our past and present while throwing away the future we’d planned.
Once he woke up—because I refused to entertain any other option—we’d be together again.
I’d finally done something I should’ve done years ago.
Without the threat of my father hanging over my head anymore, there was no reason why I couldn't openly tell the entire world that I loved Declan Fitzgerald.
I knew he still loved me. Enslee made sure to remind me every single time we talked.
She’d even told me that she suspected her words had finally gotten through to him as well.
It didn't make me feel any better to know he’d possibly been headed to see me that night.
That only made me feel more guilty because if I’d gotten my head out of my ass sooner, we would’ve been safe and sound together that night.
If only I hadn’t been so damn hard-headed.
He never would’ve been on the slick roads, and certainly not lying in this hospital bed.
And I wouldn't be sitting here wondering if he was ever going to wake up…
if I was ever going to see those blue eyes again…
“You’ve always told me how much you’d hated me giving you the silent treatment. Is this some sort of payback?” I asked him. “If so, you don’t have to talk. Just open those eyes and let me look into them again.”
I’d been inundated with memories of his face.
And what a spectacular one it was. It was no wonder he was such a popular movie star.
Hell, he could’ve been a model with that chiseled jawline, high cheekbones, expressive eyes, and full lips.
The latter had been so much temptation that once or twice I’d been unable to stop myself and had pressed mine down to his.
I’d tried convincing myself that he was simply sleeping, but it became harder every day that passed without any improvement.
All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and apologize for all that I’d done to him over the course of the last couple of months.
I didn't even care if he forgave me for it. All that mattered was that he was alive and well. It’d been what I’d kept telling him all this time, especially once the doctors told me that he could hear me.
If that’s true, why won’t he wake up?
It wasn’t just me that had camped out here at the hospital all of this time.
Whenever I wasn’t in here, his parents were.
They’d alternated taking turns with me so Declan never got a moment of fucking peace.
One of us was always here, and I’d remain here until he woke up.
I refused to accept that he might never come back to us.
I wouldn’t entertain that scenario, or any other that didn’t include him opening his fucking eyes.
“I’d been headed to see you that night,” I said while I gently stroked the side of his face. “You just had to try to beat me. It reminded me of us as boys. No matter what sport, if it involved anything competitive, you’d always tried to outshine me. For once, I wish you would’ve let me win.”
A sad smile tipped my lips as I remembered the two of us over those years.
No one had ever had a better friend than I had with him.
I used to think I loved him like a brother, but that’d changed with the first kiss.
There’d been nothing platonic or brotherly about the fire he’d reignited within me after it’d gone out the day my mother walked out of my life.
“Don’t look so sad, Brogan. I’ll share my mother with you,” Declan had told me.
“I don’t even want a mother anymore. Not mine, yours, or anyone else’s,” I’d replied.
“Well, you’ve got me, Brogan, and that’s for life,” he’d promised, and until now, he’d been right.
Returning my focus to the present, I continued to stroke the side of his face.
“I wanted to tell you that I still love you, and that I’ll always love you.
There’d been so many other things too. I wanted to thank you for being there for me even when I pushed you away…
for trying to help slay my demons when I’d waged wars against my own mind…
for loving me during those times when I’d done everything in my power to drive you away.
Most of all, I wanted to tell you that I still needed you. ”
I had to stop before I fell apart completely.
This ache in my chest was an anchor, which would soon drop me into the cold, dark depths of a place I could never come back from.
I’d been taking my medicine, even having had my therapist call in a prescription to the hospital so I could have it filled here.
And I had taken every pill exactly as prescribed, but they could only do so much.
The most effective part of my treatment was unavailable to me because he was lying lifeless in a goddamn hospital bed.
We’re going to be together again, Declan. I will not let fate deny us that.
I picked back up one of his hands, which was so warm, then pressed it to the side of my face. I know I had to look like hell, but I couldn't care about that at this moment. I turned my face into his palm and held it in place.
“I need you, baby.” I pressed his palm tighter against me. “I miss you so goddamn much. Seeing you like this completely wrecks me. You've been the most amazing part of my life, and I can't lose you. I won't lose you.”
I took his hand and started to stroke my face with it, much like he would’ve if he was awake. There’d been so many days and nights that we’d lay in each other's arms, and he’d stroke my face like this. He'd tell me that he loved me, and that there was no one else for him.
I heard the sound of a door opening, so I dropped his hand back down to his side. Turning to see who it was that dared to interrupt us now, I let that irritation melt away when I saw Chris wheeling himself into the room.
“You've been in here for over five hours, Brogan. You really should go home to—”
“I'm not leaving this hospital without your son. And if he doesn't ever leave here, then I won’t—”
“We're not even going to think thoughts like that. Declan’s strong and has people who love and need him. He will come back to us. You have to believe that.”
“It’s just so hard seeing him like this, Chris. I love him so goddamn much.”
“And he loves you too. No one has ever made our son happier than you.”
I felt the tears welling in my eyes, especially because I knew recently that hadn't been true. I'd been terrible to him since finding out about the money. I'd beaten him up right before I’d been arrested, then once released, I’d lied and told him that I wanted nothing else to do with him. At the time, I truly believed that to be true, but even I should’ve known my heart would never allow such a thing.
I'd just been too scared and prideful to pick up the goddamn phone to tell him I missed and needed him. Above all, I’d wanted to be with him.
With all the lies that bound us together, those three truths were all that mattered.
“Declan has made me so happy too. With him, I feel like I can endure almost anything, but this is just too much.”
“I know, Son,” his father said as he wheeled himself close enough to touch me.
“If you won't leave the hospital, I’m begging you to at least go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Katie will even join you if you’d like.
Either way, just take a little bit of time for yourself out of this room.
If I can feel your frustration and despair, he can too.
We want him to come back to us, so we need to give him something to want to come back to. ”
I knew what he was saying, and he was probably right. “Sure, I'll go, but I'm going to be right back.”