Chapter Twenty-One #3
“Ruin what? What do we have that is going to be ruined? You say you have no emotions, so what is being ruined just because I say I love you’?”
“Our companionship. The fondness we feel for each other. The fun we have when we’re not trying to look too deeply into things!”
“That’s funny,” she said with a dry laugh, “because I’ve known I loved you for the better part of a week and it hasn’t seemed to hamper us much at all.”
That took him aback and he stepped away from her. “The better part of a week? That’s impossible. All of this is impossible. Love at first sight is a lie. You cannot love after only a week!”
“Oh, so it is possible to love someone, only not so quickly? Tell me, how long should it take before I know I love you?”
“That isn’t what I meant!”
“It’s what you said!”
“Stop it! Stop putting words in my mouth.”
“They are your words. I am merely trying to understand them!” she cried.
“I don’t love you!”
“You don’t want to love me! There is a difference!”
“I assure you, there is not!”
“Fine. I recognize that loving a man who is completely closed off from his emotions is my responsibility,” she said with sudden weariness.
“It is as you said: I knew what I was getting into from the beginning. You made that clear from the start. I am not asking you to love me in return, only to leave me free to feel what I wish to feel.”
“You are setting yourself up for pain,” he said earnestly. “Please don’t do this to yourself.”
“If there is no such thing as love, then there is no such thing as a broken heart … so you have nothing to be concerned over.”
“Just because I don’t believe in the trueness of love doesn’t mean one cannot deceive oneself into believing it. I should know. I took part in the same deception, and believe me, it hurt when I woke to the truth of the matter.”
“You were hurt because you loved a woman who was faithless and undeserving … but you did love her. You did love her or she would not have been able to hurt you so much. You are capable of love whether you want to admit it or not, and I am willing to wait until you figure it out for yourself.”
“You will be waiting a long, long time,” he said quietly. “You will be waiting in vain.”
“It is my time and my heart, and I will do with my heart what I will.”
Jaykun didn’t think he could bear it, bear her waiting painfully for him to feel something he never would. It would kill her free spirit a little bit every day.
“Jileana,” he said hoarsely as he pulled her up against his body, reveling in the sweet feel of her for a moment before saying, “in another two weeks I am going to leave you and this place, and I will never look back.” He swallowed.
“Even if I did love you, I am not free to do so. My goddess makes too many demands of me.” He cupped her cheek in his hand and ran a thumb under one eye that was wet with an unshed tear.
“It wouldn’t be fair to you. None of this is fair to you.
But I do know that this is your home and that when these next two weeks end I will leave you here and continue on my journey … alone.”
“Not alone,” she said hoarsely. “You have your brothers. You let them follow you. Why should I be any different?”
“Because they are my kin … my blood … and they have obligations to their gods, just as I do, that happen to coincide. A war camp is no place for a woman.”
“You have female mems and other women for other reasons,” she said, her tone making it clear they both knew what those other reasons were. “I am a sea witch, like my mother. Not as powerful as she is, I grant you, but I can still use magic. I could be of use to you. I could—”
“Female mems and whores are not my concern! They are meant for war. The mems heal for me. And the whores keep the men in good spirits. None of those women can hold a candle to you. You are beautiful and generous, and your heart is so clean and free and untouched by the soils of this world. I would not see that end!” He took a deep, steadying breath.
“In two weeks we will part ways, Jileana. I do not want to spend that time fighting with you.”
She wanted to argue more. She wanted desperately to grab him and throttle him, and she knew he could see it in her eyes. He knew the full measure of her pain, because once he’d had his love rejected. And yet it did not keep him from pushing her away; that was how deeply his pain and mistrust went.
But she knew that, for all of his protestation against the emotion, he loved her. She knew that even though he was a man who could slaughter other men by the hundreds and never flinch in the face of war, he was afraid to acknowledge the emotion.
Very well, she thought with a lift of her chin and determination steeling her spine.
She had two weeks to change his mind. Two weeks to make him admit what he felt for her.
And if she hadn’t succeeded by that time …
well, she didn’t know what she would do.
She would take that step when it came time to take that step.
“Yes,” she said so softly she could barely hear herself. “Let us enjoy these next two weeks as best we can.”
“There we go. That’s better,” he said with a smile as he stroked her face with his fingers. “Let’s enjoy what time we have left together. Come. Let’s go to the sea anemone bed and watch their colors. We can swim with the schools of fishes, explore a little. You like to do that.”
“Yes. I do,” she agreed. It had always put a smile on her face and he knew it. He was trying very hard to please her, when all he had to do to please her was one thing.
And that one thing was something he was most unwilling to do.
Her time was short and she had to make the most of it. No matter what she was feeling inside, she couldn’t let it choke the remainder of her time with him. If she failed to make him realize that he loved her, these could very well be the last days she would ever have with him.
It was a thought she couldn’t bear to hold in her head, so she pushed it aside and steeled herself with determination. She would win this.
She would.