25. Esther
ESTHER
“Drink this.” Regent offers me a flask after refilling it from the nearby freshwater stream. Mentally, I feel numb; my body, however, aches like I’ve taken a frontal hit from Master Kain’s magic when we trained.
The children’s voices have since stopped chanting, but their lingering violation remains. The taste of death still on my tongue.
“Esther.”
I blink and look up at Regent, who comes to sit beside me on the fallen moss-covered log. It’s only then that I also notice Grimace looking up at me with concern, his hand on mine. I take the water flask and swallow a small mouthful.
I think we’ve been traveling for about a day.
I didn’t peer out much from hiding against Regent’s chest. I attempted to shake away the repetitive loop of two yellow bouncing balls, the children’s song, and the reminder of my ultimate demise.
My magic twines around me like the ugly thing it is, beginning to nibble at me from the inside.
Regent places a blanket over my shoulders, and it’s only then I realize my hands are still shaking.
“The repers enchantment can last a while. The few survivors say it can be anywhere from days to weeks, or on the rare occasion, some go back to the forest, driven by the madness it ensues.” I numbly nod. “What did you see?”
I look at Regent, blinking once and then twice. “See?”
“The repers bring forth the thing you fear the most. What did you see?”
I swallow around the emotions lodged in my throat, my nails biting into the edges of the blanket, and I find comfort in the masculine smell of pine and wood. “Myself.”
Silence falls between us. I’m not entirely sure for how long before Regent stands. “I’ll start a fire; it’ll be dark soon. We’ll set up here for the night. Why don’t you bathe in the river?”
My hand catches around his wrist. I can’t even look him in the eyes, frightened that he’ll see this ugliness within.
I’ve never had to confront it so brazenly, and now that I have…
I’m too scared to see my reflection. Too scared to be alone.
And yet part of me gives into my fate, letting my magic eat me from the inside out as it was always meant to.
Regent pulls me by both hands, bringing me to stand. I can’t say it, the words dying on my lips, but he seems to hear me loud and clear. Please don’t leave me.
But I know that’s not our fate and path. It’s only a matter of days until Regent sells me at the Volmere auctions, and that only solidifies my tiredness as I sink further into myself.
His hand reaches for the blanket, pushing it off and letting it fall over the moss-covered log. “Let’s get you washed up,” he says as he leads me toward the water. Grimace follows, but I can’t bear to look him in the eye as he frantically paces around me.
I stand in front of the stream as Regent removes my clothes slowly. I’m nothing more than a shell as he tempts me toward the water, removing his own clothes in the process. There’s no passionate tension or fire burning in his gaze now.
No, because he sees me for what I am.
Ugly.
He leads me by my hand into the water, bringing a small cloth with him. When I’m hip deep, my braid coming over my shoulders, he begins to wipe over my skin. I feel a ripple of relief when he does, as he carefully scrubs away the grasp the repers have over me.
He wipes around my eyes, and again, I can’t face him, even when I feel his intrusive glare studying me.
“I have something for you,” Regent says as he goes to step back out of the water, but my hand grabs for his wrist again, that shot of terror fueling my body once more. “It’s okay, Esther, I’ll only be gone for a moment.”
He pries my fingers off as he gives me a reassuring nod. Then I look away, too unnerved by those eyes that look at me with such pity.
When he leaves, I slowly begin to wash over my arms, blankly staring off into the distance.
We’re past the Boey Jungle, among the mountains where the green leaves of trees are dying off, and the land almost looks as if it’s been poisoned.
So many different landscapes in one continent.
I once wondered if our continent was the same, but suddenly I don’t care anymore.
I’m now certain that no matter what continent I’m on, dangerous men, greers, and beasts alike are waiting. How do people survive in its nature? How did Neina, who Master Kain so reverently followed, become so overpowered by Felia’s influence? Would it be the same even without the gods?
I was sinking further into that despair myself, influenced by the living, breathing beast that was my magic. It now swirls in the pit of my stomach, wanting to be freed. I don’t have the energy to fight it, nor the understanding of how to unlock each element to master and control it.
What I do know is, I don’t want to become one of those monsters. I don’t want to touch or be the evil that consumes children without a second thought, and eat the eyes of men who sleep on porches.
No one is safe in this world. And for all the stories of my kind and their mighty power, I now understand why they’re so easily turned on, because monstrous Felia-blessed magic should be feared.
The water rolls around Regent’s hips as he reenters the river. His ragged markings emit that strange, dull blue. He pushes my hair to the side, and something cold and metallic brushes over my chest.
When I look down, I notice a talisman with the face of Neina praying at the front.
The design is almost the same as the one Master Kain had in his windows, displayed in the dining hall.
The edges are encrusted with rubies and gold.
Expensive, even by looking at it, I know that much.
But it’s the weight it holds, the whispers of strange magic.
He adjusts it so it sits beneath the ruby-encrusted necklace Grimace stole for me weeks before.
Was this the talisman Regent had the man with a hook work on?
“A collar for a beast?” I ask as he clips it from behind. I turn to face him then, a mixture of marginal hope and reality kicking in. He is not my savior. He is my captor.
“Not a collar. A talisman. I need you to trust me at the upcoming Volmere auctions.”
I choke, an uncharacteristic cackle pulling out of me. It sounds deranged and maddening and quickly brings me to the edge of tears. “Trust you? Are you fucking with me? Why give me something so precious when you’re only going to sell me soon? Waste it on your next conquest.”
I grab at the talisman to snap it off my neck, but his hands reach up, stopping me, and then I feel the warm glow of his magic, wrapping around the talisman. “You won’t be able to take it off, even if you try.”
“So, still no choice in the matter I see.” I rip my hands away from his, more conscious of our naked bodies.
My chest rises and falls, but I feel nothing for this greer any longer.
The stark reality of my future is more apparent than ever.
I pull away from that constant tension and tug that comes between us, forbidding it.
“I hope that whatever it is you’re acquiring at these auctions is worth it.”
“I need—”
“You don’t need to explain it to me,” I say, putting my hand up, no longer wanting to hear his voice. To him I am no more than a bag of goods to be sold. And he is no more than a liar, a thief, and a cheat.
If I had been living in this world, not coddled by Master Kain, perhaps I’d be as merciless as Regent. After all, it’s survival of the fittest, right?
I turn my back on him, too exhausted to beg for my life any longer.
My magic continues to gnaw at me, and so I stop resisting the natural urge to fight against it since I rose from Lake Mahoori.
If I am a monster, so be it. My gaze slides to Grimace, his big orange eyes watching me with concern.
My lower stomach shifts again, pained by the fact that if I were to die and be consumed, so would he, but only if he’s trapped within me.
When that time comes, I need to ensure he’s not hidden within my body, so then finally he’ll be set free from a contract I have no other way to unbind.
A contract between beast and greer is until death. For him to be freed, I must fall.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not because I want to send us both to the grave, but because he is also tied to my fate.
I want to be better. Do better. But after facing my reality, I don’t have the will to fight against myself any longer.