Chapter 18 #3
Soren breathed in so deeply his chest expanded several inches, then he looked around, as if searching for support himself, before finally conceding. “Yes, yes, of course.”
My entire body clenched in preparation, anticipating where he would start, what part of my rapid descent into madness he would begin with. I waited two, five, ten seconds for those fateful words to come, but Soren still hadn’t started.
I didn’t realize that I’d tucked my head under Ford’s chin and had pressed my nose into his chest until I had to turn back to Soren.
Finally, he said, “You have to promise not to kill me. I promised Bellamy I wouldn’t hurt myself and you know how she gets.”
Ford, it seemed, was not in the mood for humor. All he did was bark Soren’s name.
“I’m serious,” Soren pushed back. “Remember that I’m just the messenger here.”
“Start. Talking.” Two clipped words, timed with gentle squeezes on my body. One on my outer thigh, the other around my arm.
“God, he’s going to fucking punch me, then Bellamy is going to punch him,” Soren muttered under his breath.
“Okay, um,” Soren began, his voice turning slightly clinical. Probably for the best. I wasn’t sure how much good a dramatic retelling would do anyone. “Well, as you know you were held there for three days.” Three of the worst days of my life, even now.
A flash again, of Peter telling me that Ford’s unit had been attacked.
The one time we’d all split up. It had been a particular hard couple of months, and we’d taken on some heavy losses and shuffled ranks that left us with a too-young cavalry of soldiers.
We’d been forced to separate on account of seniority, needing experienced soldiers to help lead scouting rides, while enough capable hands stayed back to help in case of attack.
I’d stayed back that day. I remembered being relieved. The exhaustion of training new soldiers had been wearing on my resolve and I was having a hard time being around Ford.
That relief only lasted a second before the distance started to chafe. I’d known something was wrong, my instincts pulling at me a few hours into their ride. By the time Peter confirmed what I already knew, I’d descended into an all-out panic.
“We were having some trouble finding you,” Soren continued, “And well,” a pause, to look at me with an expression that bordered on pity, “Esme, excuse me for this, she was losing her goddamn mind.”
My eyes tracked downwards in shame, finding Ford’s hand still gripping my outer thigh, his thumb making small passes over my skin. Against my better judgment, I sank deeper into his hold.
“Wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep.” Soren stuttered a little bit, and I had to imagine that Ford’s expression had gone particularly murderous at that piece of information.
“It’s Bond Madness, same thing that happened when I found Bellamy.
She slipped into a fugue state that was only focused on finding you.
Completely taken over by the Bond. She swore she knew where you were, this old town down river a couple miles, but no one would listen because admittedly,” this now to me, “you weren’t making a whole lot of sense during those days. ”
I forced myself to smile and nod my head in agreement.
Soren was being kind to me, retelling exactly what happened so that Ford wouldn’t be searching for details, but choosing words that softened the blow of what had actually happened.
Chief among them being the rambling nonsense I’d started to spew at the end.
I couldn’t even get a full sentence out, let alone a coherent thought.
It was just about finding Ford. Only Ford.
“She snuck out one night after you, and like Caspian said, seemed to go on a little bit of a rampage. We are unaware of any survivors, but she was able to get you out.”
There was a pregnant pause following that little admission. I braced myself for the worst, for Ford to push me off him in disgust. We’d all had to injure, even kill, in our time here.
What I’d done was…I’d hunted those people. Every soldier that stood in between me and getting Ford out was nothing more than a fly buzzing in my face.
The one part I did remember with clarity was finding him on the floor, dirty and freezing, with blood smeared down his face and neck. I remembered thinking they’d taken his eye, though I was sure that was their intent. Let the wound fester until he had no choice but to give it up.
The general who had interrupted my rescue had blood on his hands. Ford’s blood. He’d been dead seconds later. I shivered at the memory of it, feeling that primal rage build up again.
Something soothed me, brought me back to reality enough to hear Ford’s low, “Soren.” It was a warning, seeing as Soren was hesitating.
“Sorry,” he said, wincing. “It’s just this next part—”
The sound that left Ford’s throat would have scared birds out of trees.
Soren raised his hands in surrender with a dramatic okay before running his hands down his face. I knew this was hard for him too. We were as close as siblings, and I’d made him watch me—
“She dragged you on a tent all the way home,” Soren sounded haunted as he restarted.
“You were passed out, dead weight. She had Sky and Shadow, but they couldn’t really do much if she couldn’t get you onto Shadow’s back.
They wouldn’t leave her until camp was within distance, and by the time we were able to get to her… ”
Soren trailed off, looking at me with pinched brows. I didn’t want to make him tell this story, knowing he had his own trauma from it. Experiencing pain was one thing, witnessing it was another.
“I really don’t remember this part.” It was the truth.
My body had protected me from the memories.
The last thing I could recall was my muscles screaming at me in protest. It felt like they were pulling apart my back, taking pieces of my spine with it in different directions.
That had been maybe half a mile into the journey.
Soren breathed in again, his body visibly tenser. “No one could have withstood that much physical exertion.” All of the sudden, Ford’s grip on me tightened just to the point of pain, like Soren’s words were about to rip me away from him.
“She was carrying over two hundred pounds of dead weight for miles.” Soren was getting visibly uncomfortable, and I opened my mouth to tell him to stop.
This situation was such a mess, it had traumatized those who’d witnessed it as well.
I couldn’t ask Soren to relive those memories just because I was scared to do it.