Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Summer
My hand was in the grip of little Brinley as she toddled around the yard. I had Darin in a carrier, but he was getting squirmy. They’d both need a snack and a nap soon.
I was at Scarlett and Tate’s place. Tate was working somewhere on the ranch, and I was giving Scarlett and Chance time to go to town on their own. Tate was meeting them in town for lunch and then she’d send Chance with him to work and come home to talk.
I was ready to . . . I didn’t know. In the weeks since Jonah and I had broken up, I’d been listless.
I’d wake up, go to work, work well past when everyone else left, then go home and watch movies.
I’d learned to keep my morning alarm on even on the weekends, otherwise I’d fall asleep on the couch and sleep too late.
On the weekends, I went to help Wynter and Myles. Since I was around more, Myles would take his Denver trips over the weekend. Between me, Mama, and Autumn, we made sure Wynter got some sleep. Little Elsa wasn’t a fan of sleeping at night.
As for today, I had reached out to Scarlett since we didn’t get too much time together and she’d jumped on the chance to have some one-on-one time. I got the impression she wanted to check on me. I also got the impression everyone was worried about me.
I was worried about me, but not in the way everyone thought. Mama had said I might need time to work through what I really wanted, but mostly, I had needed time to reflect.
Darin wiggled his arms and legs. Brinley tripped, but I held her up.
“I go down,” she said.
“You almost did,” I agreed. “Snack?”
“Da!” Darin said.
I smiled and put my arm around him. My shoulders were aching, and my back was wondering why my cargo was moving so much, but I loved every minute.
In the few months I’d been wrapped up in Jonah, I’d missed these kids.
I’d missed having time with my sisters and Tate.
While I saw Teller and Tenor at work, or at least talked with them on the phone or through email, I didn’t get to hang out with them as siblings.
I couldn’t put the blame solely on Jonah. I had wanted to spend every spare moment with him. After being with a guy who wasn’t invested in me like Boyd, it’d been nice to think someone was as tied up with me.
My heart hurt again. I took the kids inside. Someday, I would get over my heartache. I’d quit wondering what he was doing and if he’d continued getting out of his house. I’d quit obsessing if he’d started dating.
That last part piped caustic fuel into my veins. Only a month had passed. He couldn’t have moved on yet. Right?
I was splitting a muffin with Brinley when a car pulled up. Scarlett came into the house through the door to the garage. Her smile faltered as she took us in. “It’s definitely close to nap time.”
I tried to see the picture we made. Darin was sleepy eyed and he was pushing his muffin crumbs around on his highchair tray. Brinley had her head in one hand and was close to losing the battle with slumber. I was subdued. Fun Aunt Summer had been Mellow Aunt Summer lately.
“I was just going to clean them up and lay them down.”
She gestured for me to keep sitting. “I’ve got him. Brinley was chanting your name all morning, so I’ll let you tuck her in.”
I wiped the crumbs off both of us. I had no excuse for being a messy eater. Then I let Brinley lead me to her room. She crawled into her little bed, and I curled beside her, my ass hanging off the end.
“Nigh, nigh.” She kissed my cheek and left half her muffin behind.
“Sleep tight, sweetheart.”
She closed her eyes like the tiny princess she was, and only moments passed before her little lips puffed open. She was fast asleep.
I had a lot of favorites being an aunt, but this topped everything.
I got to cuddle and snuggle my nieces and nephews—even Chance would let me crush him in a smothering hug.
I didn’t have the full range of parent experiences, but did I need them to be happy when I had a guy who made me feel like his world revolved around me?
I’d known going in that Jonah had hang-ups. So did I. Yet I’d pushed him. And when he’d refused to budge, I’d walked. Tears pricked my eyes.
God, I was still a mess.
I carefully rolled off the bed, which wasn’t hard. It was barely a foot off the floor.
I found Scarlett in the living room, curled into the corner of the couch with her legs tucked under her. She had a cup of lemonade in her hand, and a second full glass was sitting on the opposite end of the coffee table.
Dropping to sit on the other end of the couch, I grabbed the cherry lemonade and downed it like it was spiked with two shots of Summer’s Summit. Wynter and Autumn had actually come up with a mixed drink that included one of our lines of bourbon and Scarlett’s lemonade.
“Something on your mind?” she asked softly.
I licked my lips, snatching every last drop of sweetness. I needed the energy to untangle my thoughts. “I think I fucked up.”
She set her glass down. “How?”
“I’ve been so intent on getting married and having a family that I was willing to settle with a guy like Boyd.
And when that didn’t happen, I gave up a really good man I fell hard for because he wasn’t ready and he might never be ready.
” The admission was cathartic. I had fucked up. But what did I do about it?
She narrowed her eyes as she considered me. “I don’t think that’s it.”
Surprised, I turned to face her, crossing my legs under me. Other than my sisters, Scarlett knew me better than anyone. Sometimes, I was more transparent with her than with my sisters. Scarlett was a friend. I never had to be her role model. “How so?”
“I guess . . . it’s not the whole picture.
When you told me about Eli, I thought ‘that makes sense.’ You weren’t the Summer I knew with the guys you dated.
” At my confused look, she gave me a sheepish smile.
“You never pressed for what you wanted, and given what happened to Eli after you were honest with him, I can’t blame you. ”
“I led him on.”
“How long were you friends with him?”
“Since middle school.”
“And how long did you date him?”
I wrinkled my nose. Sometimes the sum of my teen years felt taken over by Eli, but just because he’d been a part of it, didn’t mean he’d dominated it.
Just that, once, we’d been an item. “Almost a year. He asked me to homecoming and I knew if I said yes, he’d take it as a date.
But I liked him and thought maybe there should be more. ”
“So, a year, maybe, that you gave it a shot? Yet you were with Boyd for how long?”
“Two years.”
“And the guy before that?”
“A year and a half, but he’d moved away for the last six months and it was long distance.”
“And the relationship before that?”
I had to dig into the vault of my memories. I’d dated guys. Often, they ghosted me. Sometimes, they broke things off, citing my work. Not enough time for them. A complaint Jonah never made. Usually because I wasn’t working to keep from having to spend time with someone I was mediocre at best about.
“Let me ask a different way,” she said. “When did you know, viscerally know, that these guys weren’t the one, but you thought ‘maybe there should be more’?”
Oh my god. The lemonade soured in my gut. “I led them all on. All of them.”
Scarlett held a finger up. “No. You were too afraid to lead them on. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt because of you. So when Boyd was the one to hurt you—you could cut things off.”
I blinked at her. Was she saying I’d been a scaredy-cat the whole time? Yet wasn’t that minimizing everything about Eli? He’d lost his life. Of course I was fucking scared to be honest.
“I tried to tell myself I wasn’t to blame.” I’d tried to move on. And when Jonah had chased me out of his hospital room, I’d assumed that was my due for being an awful person. A shitty girlfriend to a great guy.
“But deep down, you took all the blame.” Her expression was full of compassion. “And maybe you care so much about Jonah, more than any other guy you’ve been into, that you’re terrified that if things go south, neither one of you will come back from it.”
We’d already been through a sort of hell. All because of me. “I couldn’t do that to him. He’s forgiven me for Eli.”
She leaned forward, and put a hand on my knee, catching my gaze and refusing to let go. “There was nothing to forgive, but I know you’ll never believe that. So you need to forgive yourself.”
I bit the inside of my cheek as tears seared the backs of my eyes. I’d thought I had. I’d thought I’d come to terms with my part in Eli’s accident and Jonah’s injuries and the anguish their parents went through. “I’ve never told Eli’s parents.”
“Maybe you should talk to them. What if keeping it to yourself is part of why you really ended things with Jonah?”
A hot tear tracked down my cheek. I didn’t want to hurt his parents, but part of me felt they should know the full circumstances behind that day. I couldn’t ask Jonah to keep it a secret. He meant too much to me. “I think I’m in love with him.”
Compassion rolled off her. “I think you’re both head over heels and it terrifies each of you.
” She gave my knee a pat. “If you need me to, I’ll talk to Autumn.
The Bourbon Canyon Bachelor Auction is coming up soon, and since Teller and Jonah are friends again, we can recruit Teller to sign him up, and we’ll make sure you win the bid. ”
I chuckled before everything she said sank in. “Teller and Jonah are friends again?”
“They even stopped here so Teller could show him the boat. I think they’re going fishing soon.”
Happiness for Jonah swept through me. He and Teller would’ve never thought to use a boat to fish before.
If they weren’t hauling a canoe to the middle of nowhere, they weren’t interested.
But Teller was showing Jonah there were ways to adapt the activities they used to love. “That would be so awesome.”
She grinned. “Chance is thrilled. That kid tells so many people about his and Tate’s secret fishing place that I wonder if he knows what secret means.”