Chapter 26 #2
I laughed, but my mind ruminated over everything she’d said. Jonah was moving on, maybe not relationship-wise. Or he could be, but I’d made that not my business. Regardless, what Scarlett had said about why I clung to connections that I knew deep down were wrong hit a hard chord in my chest.
Would talking to Eli’s parents help?
Every time I saw them, I felt like I should duck and hide. Like they knew what had really happened and hated me. They had no idea, and they could be tearing themselves up inside worse than me. Yet I hadn’t wanted to make things worse.
Too much time had passed for that. I hadn’t forgiven myself, and having an open discussion with them might help all of us.
Would it help me and Jonah? I didn’t know, but if I didn’t fix me, I couldn’t help us.
Jonah
I parked by my dad’s shop. Chickens waddled all over the yard behind the shop. They’d be Rhys’s chickens soon. I wandered in. Dad was sorting through tools. He had some laid out on the workshop bench. A small rolling red tool box stood behind him with various drawers open.
I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans.
I’d worn work clothes for a reason. These were the old clothes I’d worn to work on the ranch.
I’d had to go upstairs to the guest room to retrieve them, and I’d had to sit on the bed and remember how my life had changed in that room when I’d gone to bed and woken up with Summer.
Deep down, I knew I wanted that for me for forever. And smothering that fact was the thought of how scared I was. “Can I help?”
Dad glanced up, surprise lining his brow. “Jonah, hey.” He glanced at the organized chaos he was making. “I started with a plan, but now I’m just making a mess.”
I wandered closer. “What are you doing?”
“I’m taking one tool box with me to the new place. Did your mom tell you we found a house?”
“She did.” I’d called her before I’d stopped in to make sure they were both around.
She’d gushed about it. Enthusiasm had lit her voice and she’d mentioned at least three times how new the house was and wouldn’t it be nice to live in a place that didn’t have such a long to-do list. I didn’t think their current house, the place I’d grown up in, was bad, but it was old.
The plumbing needed constant maintenance and they’d upgraded electrical years ago.
Then there were the drafty windows they had slowly been replacing, and the cabinet upgrades and overhauls Mom had done over the years.
I had assumed she’d enjoyed all those projects, and maybe she had.
Maybe she’d needed to be busy. But now perhaps she wanted to not have to constantly keep up an old house.
“Congrats.”
Dad’s smile was broad. “I might not need much for tools, but Rhys is going to have his own. I might as well make sure I take what I foresee needing. Need a wrench set?”
“I have two.” One had come from this shop.
His chuckle was good-natured. “I’ve been wondering how I ended up with so damn many tools over the years, but a lot of these came from my dad.
” He shoved a set to the side, making them clatter together.
“I feel bad leaving so much for Rhys, but I’m also grateful I don’t have to offload this heap onto you, and I’m not talking about the tools. ”
Surprise filtered through me. I’d stopped in to talk to him about just that. “I was afraid I hadn’t done enough and that’s why you’re giving this place up.”
He frowned, turning to fully face me. “Why do you think that?”
“I was working for you and then this happened.” I indicated my left side. “And then I was useless. Even when I wasn’t useless, I didn’t reach out to see what you needed.”
He chuffed and put his chin down. His brow furrowed and he shifted his stance a few times.
“Jonah . . .” Then he took his ball cap off and scratched his head.
“I won’t lie. I was worried about you. Hell, I still worry about you.
You just do with your kids, you know. But .
. .” He dragged in a breath. “You know what I wanted to be when I was a teenager?”
“Excuse me?”
“I wanted to be a mechanic.” He looked up at the ceiling of the shop, a wistful smile on his face. “Classic cars.”
I gaped at Dad. He’d never told me about this. “We’ve never owned a classic car.”
He barked out a laugh. “Exactly. First, we had kids to take care of. Then we had a ranch to keep going. I admire them, but I couldn’t spend money on something like that. Then there was the time.” He shook his head. “The ranch sucked up every second.”
The guilt returned. If I had been working more, he might’ve had time to indulge.
“I can see what you’re thinking,” he said, “and you’d be missing the point.
That was my dream as a kid, and I couldn’t do it.
I was expected to take this place over. I was born to be a rancher, and that was all I could ever do.
Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But it’s not my passion.
I don’t want to turn my back on retirement because this whole place is on my shoulders.
I didn’t want that for you. Neither did your mother.
We could see you were the same as me, and we’d rather see you do what you love. ”
Being outdoors. Experiencing the land instead of toiling away on it. “What about Eli?”
“Eli was different. There was nothing else he wanted to do.” Sadness took over his features.
“It took me a long time to admit that I’d have to give up what’s been passed down because Eli was gone, but once your mom and I finally talked about it, we realized we were on the same page.
We’ve given up a lot for this place, and we’re tired of it. ”
“So you’re okay with the decision?”
He directed his gaze out the open overhead door.
“All land changes hands throughout time. We’re lucky to be in a spot where we can decide to sell.
It’s not getting taken away, and I’m not losing it.
The Dunns’ time with this ranch is over.
Rhys gets to raise his family on it and maybe pass it down to his girls.
This burden of mine is his dream. And you’re free to keep kicking out that damn fine furniture you make. ”
“I really enjoy it.”
“I know you do. It’s what’s kept your mom from bodily hauling you out of that place for a haircut.”
My laughter surprised me, but I sobered. “I thought I was letting you down, just like I let everyone else down.”
“As much as you feel like you failed Eli, so do we,” he said gruffly. “I’m not going to get into a competition about whose guilt is stronger. In the end, he made his choice and we’re all learning to live with it. Some days are easier than others.”
“Yeah,” I said hoarsely. I had based the last fifteen years of my existence on that guilt. Then I’d piled more on until I was ignoring every important person in my life. “I fucked things up with Summer.”
“Ah. I wondered about that.” He leaned against the bench. “What happened?”
“I think . . . I know I’m scared.”
“You’ve never been scared of a thing in your life. You used to love when you saw bears out on your hikes.”
I was more concerned about moose. I had bear spray; nothing for the moose. “She’s different. She wants the family life. Kids.” The last word came out rough.
“I see.” He crossed his arms and frowned at the floor. “Are you scared of losing her or losing those kids?”
“I’ve lost her, and that sucks pretty bad.” I swallowed hard, pushing down the tide of anxiety. “But kids?” My tongue refused to work. “Fucking terrifying.”
His chuckle was dry. “Yeah. They are.” He pushed off the workbench and paced in front of me like I’d done with Teller. “I was scared spitless when you were born. If your mom wasn’t so damn excited, I might’ve been a goner before you arrived.”
I’d never talked to my parents about my birth, or me as a kid. I’d been interested in living life, not dwelling on the past. Seemed like I was trapped by both the past and future.
“It was easier when Eli arrived.” His eyes misted over.
“Then we lost him.” He dragged in a long breath.
“And it fucking hurts every day. But everyone’s different, Jonah.
Your mom and I are stronger, but it took a lot of work to get here.
Would I skip having kids to prevent from having that experience?
” He shrugged helplessly. “I can’t imagine not having had Eli in my life.
I can’t imagine not having the memories of his little red baby face, or how he laughed at my stupid jokes, or the way he lived for doing the chicken dance at wedding receptions.
The pain was excruciating. It still is, but there’s a lot of joy in my memories.
A ton of laughter. A lot of love. Do I have regrets?
Of course.” He dropped his chin to his chest. “Of course. But I’d regret not getting Eli for the nineteen years we had him. ”
My throat grew thick. “I miss him.”
“We all do. But it’s not fair to him to use him as an excuse to hide from life. He’s not here to defend himself.”
“Shit,” I coughed out. “Don’t hold back, Dad.”
“Reckon I’ve held back enough. You look like someone kicked your puppy, son. Get that girl back. Face down the bear.”
“I don’t think she’d appreciate being called that.”
He chuckled. “Keep that between you and me.”
“Dad, there’s something I want to talk to you about first. It has to do with—” The approach of an engine stopped my words. I hadn’t wanted to broach the subject of Summer’s breakup with Eli. It felt like it wasn’t my story to tell. Yet I couldn’t move forward without everything in the open.
But when I wandered to the doorway, shock rooted me in place. Summer was pulling to a stop by the house. Suddenly, the story could wait. I had to catch my runaway bride one more time.
Summer