Chapter 11
Allie
No. It’s not possible. He’s only trying to hurt me.
“Mom!” Am I screaming? I can barely hear myself. My heart is pounding so hard as I run through the house. “Mom!”
She’s still in her office, and all it takes is one look at her to know it’s true. She’s sitting with her head in her hands, and when she looks up at me, her eyes are red and swollen. She looks as broken as I feel.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” I’m going to throw up. My brother. After everything we did. The things he made me do. The things I did back when I wanted to. “Kade is... my brother?”
“Allie, I can’t do this right now,” she whispers weakly with a long sniff.
She can’t do this right now? “I don’t care! I want the truth!”
“If he told you, then you already know.” Tears drip from her cheeks onto the desk. “Kade is my son.”
My brother.
I sucked off my brother. I let him go down on me. We went skinny-dipping. He jerked off on me. So many memories, and they’re all tainted now that I know what we really are to each other. “How could you not tell me? Did you ever think I might want to know I have a brother?”
She shakes her head, her mouth hanging open. She doesn’t know what we’ve done. She has no idea what she let happen because she kept this secret.
Oh God. I’m going to puke.
“Allie! Where are you going?” she calls after me.
I can’t be around her right now. I can’t even look at her. Or myself.
My own brother.
My feet pound on the floor as I stumble up the stairs with my hand clamped over my mouth.
My brother.
My brother ate me out.
My brother came in my mouth.
I barely make it to my room, throwing myself through the bathroom door. I hit the tile hard, the impact jarring my knees, just in time to heave until my stomach is empty. My insides ache, and I can’t stop myself from gagging. I don’t think anything could.
Why does it have to be him? Of everyone in the world, why does it have to be Kade?
My face is soaked in tears and snot by the time I flush the toilet. I’m filthy, inside and out. Stained. It doesn’t matter that we didn’t know. It’s still disgusting and dirty.
I stand somehow and drag myself to the shower.
While I wait for the water to warm, I strip off my clothes and leave them in a pile.
Steam billows in the stall by the time I step under the spray.
I suck a shuddering breath through my teeth when the scalding water hits my skin.
Good. I force myself to endure the pain.
Maybe I can wash away all this ugliness.
Maybe if the water gets hot enough, I can be clean again.
I grab my loofah and soap it up. Then I scrub as hard as I can, blinking away tears that mix with the water and soap.
A knock sounds against the open bathroom door. “Allie. We can talk about this. There’s no reason for you to take it so hard.”
That’s what she thinks. It must be nice to be in the dark and actually believe that. “Go away! I can’t do this right now,” I shout, throwing her words back at her.
I scrub even harder until my skin is red and raw. It’s still not enough. I don’t think anything will ever be.
There’s a sigh, barely audible over the spray. “You’re being dramatic again.”
I almost wish I could see her face through the steam when I laugh.
Dramatic? What would she do if she knew the truth?
I should tell her. I should teach her what happens when you keep ugly secrets.
How much you end up hurting everyone around you.
But then, Kade was a secret too. If I didn’t hide him, she could’ve stopped this before. .. before we...
“Just go away,” I beg while I lean against the wall and fight the nausea. “Please. Leave me alone.”
She sighs again loudly, but I watch her shadow as she leaves.
Now I’m alone again, when what I want more than anything is to go to her and let her comfort me.
Fat chance. All she’d care about is me screwing around with a Bishop and how it would tarnish the family reputation.
Yeah, screwing your brother isn’t great for the reputation either.
And I thought life couldn’t get any more fucked up than it already is.
Eventually, my skin prunes, and the constant heat makes me dizzy, so I climb out of the shower. I don’t feel any cleaner than I did before. Nothing will make me feel clean again.
How long has he known? The whole time? Is he that fucking sick? Through this whole charade, I’ve been comparing Jackson to him. Wishing he could save me from this marriage.
I’m a fucking idiot.
I crawl into bed wearing my bathrobe and a towel around my hair. Maybe if I sleep, all of this will go away. That’s what I want. For the whole world to go away for good.
Sleep is my only escape from this nightmare.
The knock on my door is sharp and persistent. “Allie? That’s enough. I’m coming in. You’ve been in bed for three days, for goodness’ sake.”
I knew she wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve stayed in my room, except for quick stolen meals while texting Saint every once in a while. I avoid anything too personal, even if all I want is to pour my heart out. No way. I’m too ashamed to even tell my best friend.
Should’ve known the peace wouldn’t last forever.
She storms in, stopping short at the mess of empty cheese and protein bar wrappers.
I don’t bother sitting up. Instead, I pull the covers closer, like they will protect me.
Mom wrinkles her nose when she spots me amid my mass of blankets. “All right, enough.”
She marches across the room, throws the curtains open, and cracks both windows. “You need to get some fresh air in here. It smells like death.”
I wish it really did because that would mean I died and wouldn’t have to think about this anymore. “Can you just leave me alone, please?”
“No, I cannot just leave you alone.” She makes air quotes and stops next to the bed in a huff.
“You need to pull yourself together. I know it must’ve come as a shock, but it’s not the end of the world.
” Easy for her to say. “I mean it, Allie. Jackson won’t care about this.
Even if he does find out, which he doesn’t need to, the fact that I gave birth to Kade isn’t enough to make him back out of your marriage. ”
Holy. Fucking. Shit. That’s what she thinks I’m worried about? What Jackson will do? Is she that deluded?
“You don’t actually believe the reason I’m upset has anything to do with Jackson and our stupid wedding, do you?”
She sits on the edge of the bed, and I shift a little farther away. “Yes. With the way you’re acting, you would think I’ve ruined your life.”
Ruined? I wouldn’t say that. “My reaction has nothing to do with him or the wedding. It has to do with the fact that you kept this secret from me my whole life.”
“It had nothing to do with you. I kept it a secret because I didn’t have an option.”
“I don’t believe you!” I sit up and throw back the covers. “You say it has nothing to do with me, but it affects me. Every choice you make affects me. It also makes me wonder what other things you’ve lied about, what other secrets you might be hiding.”
“I don’t have to tell you every single thing that happens in my life, Allie. I’m the parent here. I decide what needs to be shared.”
“And you don’t think knowing I have a brother is something that should be shared?” All I can do is shake my head in disappointment.
“I should have told you, but I couldn’t. I was trying to protect Kade. Everything I did was to protect him.”
“Did you? Or did you do it to protect yourself?”
“I didn’t have an option,” she snaps, loud enough to make me jump.
How did I not notice the deep circles around her eyes? How pale her skin is? She looks like she hasn’t slept in days.
“Roman threatened me. He swore that if I ever told Kade or anyone else the truth, he would destroy me. He would take away everything that mattered to me before turning the ranch to ash, and because of how dangerous and powerful he was, I believed him.” She lets out a shaky breath, and her body sags like a deflating tire.
“I wanted to tell him, to tell everyone, but I couldn’t.
Roman had everyone in his pocket. I learned that the hard way when I first tried leaving him after finding out I was pregnant.
His reach was massive, and no one would help me.
No one wanted to defy him and risk his wrath. ”
Holy shit. I knew from the things Kade told me that Roman was a real bastard.
But this is like something out of an old western.
“Why did you sleep with him in the first place?” This is not a conversation I want to have with my mom, but I need to know.
There have been too many secrets for far too long. Too many mistakes already.
Her smile is bitter. “I can hardly remember anymore. He dazzled me. He didn’t even really want me, honestly.
He only pursued me because I was unattainable and he liked the challenge.
” The lines around her mouth deepen as she scowls.
“Then I found out who he truly was. Controlling. Manipulative. Insanely possessive. He told me I belonged to him. I wasn’t his wife, but I belonged to him, like his cattle and his horses. I... I thought I knew him.”
I can identify with that because I thought I knew Kade, too. Then he showed me who he really is. He even taunted me and made all of this seem even more disgusting and shameful than it is, because he knew it would hurt me.
A single tear runs down her cheek, and she wipes it away with a grunt, like she’s angry at it.
“All these years, I’ve had to watch him from a distance.
Knowing he was mine and wanting to claim him.
I was terrified Roman would make good on his promise.
And then there was you,” she adds. “What if he decided to use you to hurt me? I couldn’t take the risk. ”