Chapter 10 #2
She drops her gaze to her glass, her voice cracking. “When I tried to leave… he hunted me down and dragged me back. I swear to you, I tried. I wanted you. I had every intention of keeping you.”
I’m not sure how to feel. Angry. Sad. Disappointed. All my emotions rush to the surface at once. I know what it feels like to be in her position. I made it my job to be my father’s punching bag, but that’s not reason enough to abandon me. It doesn’t heal the ache in my chest.
“Do you really expect me to believe that? When you handed me over to him the moment I was born.”
It’s not true. The rational part of me knows it’s not true, that she didn’t just hand me over, but I can’t help but strike out while everything inside me twists in knots.
“Kade.” She whimpers, “Please, you have to understand…”
Something inside me fractures. “No, you don’t get to play the victim.
Not when you had twenty-six years to tell me the truth and didn’t even try.
” Words pour out of me like a faucet that won’t turn off.
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Why would you want to sacrifice your reputation?
After all, what would the world think of you if they knew you gave birth to Roman Bishop’s bastard? ”
“Don’t say such things. It was never like that!” Tears slip down her cheeks, but they don’t elicit the response I think they should from me.
I don’t see a remorseful woman. I see a selfish one who didn’t try hard enough to protect an innocent child. She could’ve made the fucking effort. Made it so I didn’t have to live under his thumb all my life. So I didn’t have to hear what a failure I was every single day.
“Maybe it wasn’t, but it sure as hell seemed that way. It doesn’t matter, though, because we can’t undo what’s already been done.” I grit my teeth against the sudden nauseating rush of anger filling my veins. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have bothered.
Her mouth works like she wants to say something but doesn’t have the guts to come out with it. Typical. True to form, at least. I toss back the rest of the whiskey in my glass and let it burn down my throat. When I plunk the glass on the desk, I wave at her.
“Thanks for the drink and the pathetic excuses.”
She flinches like I hit her, then places her glass on the table and covers her face with her hands. Her body trembles as she starts to weep, and her tears only seem to amplify my anger. Am I supposed to feel sorry?
“I’ve always loved you,” she blubbers through the tears.
“Every day of your life, Kade, I have loved you. Regardless of what you believe, it’s true.
Your father made sure I saw you. He made sure I saw what I could never have, at least while he was breathing.
I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been waiting for the day that he died so I could tell you the truth and have the opportunity to be in your life. ”
All I hear are excuses. All I feel is pain.
“He’s dead now, so I guess you got what you wanted, but it doesn’t matter because the damage has already been done.
And the truth is, I don’t want you, Emma.
I don’t need a mother. So while I’m sure it makes you feel better that you don’t have to carry around such a secret anymore, you can stop pretending and put your efforts into that fancy wedding you’re planning for the kid you actually wanted. ”
Right before my eyes, she transforms into a mama bear defending her cubs, tears still tracking down her cheeks as her lips pull back from her teeth in a snarl.
“I wanted you, just as much as I wanted Allie. Pregnancy and your birth were very difficult on my body. The doctors advised me against having another pregnancy, and I wanted a family. What is so wrong with that?”
“You haven’t told her, have you?” I wait a moment, giving her the chance to prove me wrong. All she does is look away, refusing to meet my eyes now.
I shake my head. “I guess you’re still carrying around more secrets, then.”
She lifts her trembling chin. “Leave Allie out of this. I’m talking about us. Everything I did was for you, whether you want to believe me or not.”
“Well, thanks.” I shove out of my chair, stand, and sneer down at her. “Thanks for giving me the gift of life. It’s been a real fucking joy thus far.”
“Kade, wait! Please!” All her begging does is threaten to send my lunch back up.
I can’t sit here and listen to any more of her excuses. She knew the type of monster he was, knew that he would break me, and she still let him have me.
I need to get out of here.
My boots clap on the hardwood floor as I march to the front door. I’m nearly at the door when a voice calls out from the stairs.
“Kade? What the hell?”
Allie.
No. I can’t fucking look at her right now.
I ignore her the same way I ignored Emma, and continue without breaking my stride.
“Kade! I’m talking to you!”
Allie is far more stubborn than Emma, though, and she follows me outside, her voice rising as she closes the distance between us. “What are you doing here? Why were you in my mother’s office?”
Of course she has questions. But I don’t have to answer them. “It’s none of your business.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to work for me. You can’t randomly show up at my house and tell me it’s none of my business.”
“I can, and I just did,” I yell.
“Would you just stop and look at me, goddammit!” She sounds as exhausted as I feel.
“Got nothing to say,” I mutter.
Allie doesn’t give a fuck about me trying to leave, though. She latches onto my arm before I reach the truck and pulls me backward, making me stumble over my own feet. My fucking hangover has left me less sharp than usual.
I’m both angry and annoyed with her pestering now, and I know it fucking shows when I whirl around and face her. Fear sparkles in her eyes, and she takes a startled step back. I can’t explain it, but her fear soothes some of this pain.
“You wanted my attention, Allie. Now you have my fucking attention,” I growl and lean into her.
She shrinks away, not on purpose but likely out of instinct.
Good, at least some part of her knows how dangerous we are together.
And right now, I’m barely holding it together.
I have all these fucking emotions rushing through me.
“Look, I’m pissed off and annoyed right now, and the last thing I want to do is talk to you or anyone else.
So if you didn’t follow me out here to suck my dick or let me fuck your pussy, then get the hell out of my face. ”
Allie blinks slowly like I’m speaking in another language.
“Is that why you followed me out here?” I move closer, crowding her, my fingers itching to reach out and touch her. “Are you finally going to spread your legs for me? Let a Bishop dirty you up for your squeaky clean fiancé?”
In the blink of an eye, she slaps me across the face. Pain ripples across my cheek, but it’s a welcome feeling. I clench my hands into fists to stop myself from reacting.
“How dare you?” she seethes.
“The truth hurts, huh?” I taunt, ignoring the way my cheek burns when I try to smile.
Allie shakes her head, causing a few strands of red hair to fall onto her face. “I get your father died. You’re hurting and want everyone else to hurt because of it, but I’m not a doormat, Kade.”
“You’re whatever I want you to be.” I lean into her face, my gaze zeroing in on her lips. I want to kiss her, and that’s the stupidest thought I’ve had in forever.
“No, I’m not, and the question doesn’t go away just because you avoid it. Why were you talking to my mom? What’s going on?”
“Give me something in return, and I might think about telling you.”
Her lips turn down, and I hate her concern shifting to something like disappointment. “What happened to you? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”
Funny. Real funny. “It’s hilarious that you think you really knew me. You didn’t. You knew my dick, my mouth, and my tongue, but you didn’t know the first fucking thing about me.”
Her face falls, and she frowns, looking at me like I just kicked her dog. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to…”
Fuck me. Why does she have to look at me that way? I only felt contempt for Emma’s tears, but Allie’s? She’s still my greatest weakness.
As much as my heart demands revenge for what she did, a bigger part of me craves to soothe her.
To reach out like I used to and drag her into my arms so she can make everything feel right for a second.
My arms ache for her, and the words that might give her a little peace hang on my lips.
But that’s as far as they go before I bite them back.
I’ve already made enough mistakes with her to last a lifetime.
I let her in. I tried to show her who I am.
And just like everybody else in my life, she saw what’s inside me and hated me for it. There’s something so ugly in me. I’m not worth the effort. Emma knew it. Roman knew it. Allie does too. Why not give her what she wants and let her know exactly who I am?
She wraps her arms around herself when a chilly breeze blows through the fence line. “Please. Talk to me. Why are you here?”
“I told you. It’s none of your business, so let it go.”
“Did Calder send you to harass my mom? Carry on the family tradition of making sure the Porters stay in their place below the Bishops?” she snaps, her temper flaring to life again.
If anything, it was Emma who harassed me with all those texts. “If that’s what you need to tell yourself.” See, I’m just the attack dog. Even she sees me that way.
“All I can do is assume. Tell me what’s happening so I don’t make shit up. Why are you here? What are you trying to do to my family?”
Her family.
Her family.
I should keep my asshole mouth shut, but per usual, I don’t.
All I know is I need to make her regret throwing me away like the rest of the world did. “I think you mean our family.”
Her brow scrunches up as her eyes search my face. “What does that mean?”
“It means you’re not an only child, Allie. Surprise.” I hold my arms out and give her a feral grin. “It’s a boy. Congratulations, you have a brother.”
“What the fuck, Kade?” she snaps. “Are you drunk? I can smell the whiskey on you.”
“Of course, thinking the worst of me. I don’t care.” I ignore the way my heart clenches inside my chest. “Don’t believe me? Go ask your mom. Turns out, she fucked Roman years ago, and I came out of it.”
“No,” she whispers, her chest rising and falling rapidly. “No.”
“Go. Fucking go and ask her yourself. I only came here to get her off my ass. Once she learned Roman was dead, she hasn’t left me a moment of peace.”
“But... but we...”
It clicks in my head where she is going with this, and I can’t help myself.
“Yeah, we did,” I agree with a smirk.
Her face crumples, and tears coat her long eyelashes.
“We had fun though, didn’t we? I know you sure as hell did. It took nothing to make you come. Especially when I—”
“Stop,” she whispers. There’s an uncanny look on her face, like she was struck by lightning and isn’t sure if she’s still alive or not. She trembles, and her beautiful eyes flutter closed. Two big fat tears roll down her cheeks, tracking mascara with them. “No. It can’t be true.”
I only chuckle softly while my insides squirm.
Emma basically admitted she’s never told Allie the truth.
The whole town would have known something like that.
Two lives she fucked up to keep her secrets.
I watch the layers of guilt, disgust, and shame hit her one by one, giving me the tiniest measure of satisfaction.
“Remember that night in my truck?” I ask. “You know the one. When you sucked my—”
“Enough!” she bites out on a sob, shaking her head wildly while clamping her hands over her ears like a child.
“What’s the matter, Allie? You’re the one who wanted to know why I was here?”
I reach for her and laugh when she yanks her arm back.
“Hey,” I offer with a shrug. “It’s not like we were raised together. We didn’t know.”
“You’re lying. You’re lying!” She backs away, shaking her head like it changes things. “You’re a fucking liar, and you’re sick!”
“Find out for yourself,” I call out as she runs toward the house.
The slam of the front door cuts off her sobbing.
As soon as she’s out of sight, the grin falls from my face.
I’m not laughing anymore. Shame and guilt wrap around me like vines.
I thought hurting her would help. A little peace by passing my own pain on to someone else.
It didn’t, though. It only made me feel worse.
Now I’ve driven us further apart than ever.
Pushed her away like I always have. She’ll find out the truth soon enough and settle down.
Not like she wants me anyway. Not like I want—wanted—her.
I can’t shake the feeling that somewhere Roman is laughing because I’m exactly the asshole he raised me to be.