Chapter 14
Kade
Ican’t fucking do this.
I wouldn’t be sitting here in the dining room for the first time since that night if Sawyer hadn’t guilt-tripped me into it.
“You can’t keep yourself locked up forever. Besides,” he added as he folded his arms, “we’re still a family. We need you. Need to be united. To show strength in numbers. We all miss having you around. You don’t even come out to check the fence lines anymore.”
I wanted to tell him he sounded like Dad without the menace, but I didn’t think that would go over well.
“I don’t know how having dinner together means we’re united, or some shit,” I told him.
It all feels so damn empty.
It still does as I sit here, grinding my teeth, listening to Saint babble about something I really couldn’t give two shits about.
Of course, Calder hangs on her every word. He can’t take his eyes off her. He keeps touching her, too—stroking her golden hair and holding her hand. If he cuts her steak for her, I’m fucking out of here.
At least they’re a distraction. If I’m focusing on not puking, I don’t have to keep reminding myself not to look at the floor, which I know is still stained under the fresh rug.
So much blood.
“Everything is almost ready,” Elena calls as she sails into the dining room from checking dinner in the kitchen. “I think we’re in for a treat tonight.”
I keep my face set, but try to figure out what the fuck is happening.
She’s kept to herself these past couple of weeks the same way I have, the way she always has, and it’s been a relief.
Does that make me a coward? Because I didn’t want to see her, because she was a reminder of what I did.
Or the reminder of how she spent my whole life letting me believe I was hers.
Did all that pretending get tiresome? When I was a prick—which I was, not that I’m proud of it—she could have thrown the truth in my face.
She could’ve told me everything. Every time she looked at me, she had to remember her husband fucked another woman, then brought her baby home. Not to mention every time she saw Emma in town. I can’t imagine the strength it took to endure that.
“That is such a pretty dress,” Saint gushes as Elena takes a seat.
Elena smiles, actually fucking smiles.
When’s the last time I saw her smile?
“Thank you. It’s been in my closet for so long, I forgot it was there.” Her cheeks pinken a little at the attention turned her way.
“You look great, Mom.” It’s the first thing Levi has said since he sat down.
I agree. She does, better than I remember ever seeing her. It’s obvious as to why. Now that he’s gone, she can be her own person. Nobody tells her what to wear, what to say, or how to act. It’s like I did her a favor when I pulled the trigger. Like I did us all a favor.
My chest tightens, and the walls of the room feel like they’re closing in around me. I shove myself back from the table, and the legs of the chair scrape off the edge of the rug and onto the hardwood. I can’t be in this room right now. It’s too fucking much.
Saint whispers something to Calder, but he shushes her gently. At least he knows there’s no point in asking what’s wrong. They already know.
I can’t stand the feeling of them being able to see through me so easily.
How weak and twisted up I am while they sit and laugh and talk about shit that doesn’t matter.
None of it fucking matters. How can we all sit around and pretend I didn’t murder our father in this room?
Pretend that everything didn’t come crashing down on us?
I escape the room and walk aimlessly. I don’t plan on hiding in the study. My feet take me there, and I stop as soon as I realize where I am. What the hell am I doing here? I stand in the doorway, staring at the chair where he used to sit.
His throne. Where he decided how his kingdom would run.
Who would live or die. And how he would profit off their pain.
All of a sudden, I’m so fucking thirsty. He always kept the good stuff in here. Might as well drink it. I snatch the bottle of Macallan 18 from the bar and pour two fingers before tipping a little more into the glass. Silence settles all around me, and I bring the glass to my lips.
The first sip lightens the pressure on my chest, and the second helps ease the tension in my muscles. While I drink, I fight like hell not to look at that chair. There’s an indent in the leather formed by his body. The whole thing is so fucking sick and sad.
“I thought I might find you here.” Elena’s soft voice startles me into almost dropping the glass. “I’m sorry,” she whispers like he’s still here, and she can’t speak. Then she laughs, the sound broken and shaky. “Old habits die hard. I have to stop apologizing for everything.”
It’s as good a place to start as any.
I sip the whiskey, savoring the burn down my throat. I should say something, but I don’t have the first fucking clue what.
She saves me the trouble. “Kade, I won’t pretend to understand how you must feel.
What happened…” She looks at the floor, folding her arms across her chest, rubbing them like she’s chilly.
“It was a terrible thing, but it wasn’t your fault.
You did what you had to. You saved your brother’s life.
Saint’s life. One of us had to be strong enough eventually, and it was you, and you shouldn’t live in guilt or be ashamed for it. ”
What the fuck is she saying? I’m speechless. Inside, I know she’s right. He was going to kill them. That was only one part of why I pulled that trigger, though. The thing is, the way she looks at me says she understands that, too. I wish she didn’t. I don’t need this.
“Do you want to hear a secret?” Her footsteps are soft as she crosses the room, like she hasn’t broken the habit of treading lightly around here yet. “I’ve been forcing myself to come in here for at least a few minutes every day.”
She stops in front of the desk and places her palms on the surface, trembling like a scared rabbit who wants to run. Her breath is shaky, too, uneven, but she stays put. “I avoided it for so long. Always afraid. I suppose I still am.”
She laughs to herself before turning her head to look at me. “It gets a little easier every time. That’s the only way to get through it. A little bit at a time.”
Frowning, she skims her hip with her hand, where the brand sits, hidden under her dress. “Some things can’t be forgotten, no matter how hard a person tries. Other things, we can control. That’s what I’m trying to do. That’s what I wish you would do for your own sake.”
She smiles and shrugs. “Wow, I think that’s the most I’ve ever said at one time in this house. Listen to me, going on and on.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I… I’m glad.” The words damn near choke me, but I mean them. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
She glows when she smiles. “Thank you.”
What is she thanking me for? Encouraging her… or freeing her?
She tips her head toward the doorway. “Let’s go. Dinner is getting cold. And you look like you need to eat.”
She still feels more like a mom, and in my mind, she will always be my mother. Even if she isn’t technically my birth mother. Still a mom, too. Just not my mom. The ugly reminder follows me into the dining room, where the conversation goes dead when I enter.
“Don’t let me interrupt.” I drop into my chair and look over the feast someone arranged while we’d been gone. Strange but I do have an appetite all of a sudden. I can’t remember the last time I ate an actual meal. Wanted to eat an actual meal.
I’m cutting into a piece of beef with my mouth watering when Saint sighs softly, leaning toward Calder. “I hope she’s okay,” she murmurs.
Calder leans in to kiss her forehead. I swear, I barely recognize him anymore. “I’m sure she’s fine.”
The skin on the back of my neck prickles. Intuition tells me something is deeply wrong. “What’s wrong?” I can’t help it. If it’s about Allie, I need to know.
Saint’s face falls. “Allie.” She says “Allie” like she wishes she never opened her mouth. “She had to go to a surprise dinner with her fiancé in Billings. She and her mom just started driving home.”
Her fiancé. The guy she thinks is actually good enough for her. She’s still going through with the wedding? Despite her excuses. Like there’s anything unique about a rich girl marrying a rich guy who the rest of the world thinks is worthy of her.
“She can’t be happy.” Elena sounds like she knows firsthand, which I guess she does.
“She’ll be fine,” I grunt even though I don’t believe the words I’m saying. My thoughts are so consumed with her I barely taste the beef as it melts on my tongue. It might as well be sawdust. If she didn’t want to marry the prick, she wouldn’t.
No one forces Allie to do a damn thing.
“I just know she’s so nervous about the announcement at the gala next week.” Saint shakes her head. “I want to help and be supportive, but I don’t know how. It’s not like she really wants to marry the guy. She’s told me how much of a jerk he is.”
The fucking gala. Where the whole world will know some asshole thinks he can steal what’s mine. No. I can’t think like this. She’s the one who threw me away. She doesn’t want me. Likely never has. I was a source of amusement for the pretty little rich girl.
Wait, what? I jerk my head up and pin Saint with a look. Thankfully, neither she nor Calder notices because they’re too focused on their meal. “Did you say Allie doesn’t want to get married?”
Saint chews faster, bobbing her head until her mouth is clear. “No, of course not. Her mother is making her do it. I’m not sure how, as we all know how stubborn and bullheaded Allie can be.”
I gulp hard and try to keep everything racing through me from showing on my face. “Yeah, stubborn as a bronco.”
No. This can’t be right. Every conversation I’ve had with her since she’s been back flashes through my mind, and she’s never once said anything about this.
And why would she? It’s not like I’ve given her the chance to while torturing her emotionally and sexually. Threatening her and kissing her.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I contemplate getting up and leaving right this second, but it would be too obvious. I grit my teeth and sit through another ten minutes that may as well be a lifetime before standing again.
“This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime.”
“Where are you going?” Calder asks, his eyes narrowed.
Sawyer needs to learn to control his face better if he actually wants to be a fancy lawyer. But I ignore Calder.
“Don’t worry about it.” I finish my drink, then pause to nod in Elena’s direction.
She gives me the smallest, briefest smile, like we have a secret now. I offer Saint a nod too, then get the fuck out of there. I probably shouldn’t, but I won’t make it through the night if I don’t see her. I need to remind her who she belongs to.
I’ll strip her down and make her remember I’m the only man in the world who quiets the noise in her head. As she’s the one who quiets mine. Her fucking pansy-ass fiancé doesn’t know how to take care of a little filly, but I do.