Chapter 23
Kade
It should have been like this all along.
Waking up with her in my arms. With my nose buried in her hair and the scent of vanilla all around me. My body curled around hers, protecting her even in sleep. How did I go so long without this? Like trying to live without air. That’s how much I need her.
I’ve waited so long to feel like I found where I belong, and it was here all the time.
It’s easy to have thoughts like that the morning after with my balls drained and the most sleep I’ve had in weeks. I can romanticize a little and ignore the realities of the situation.
The reality is that too much stood between us then.
Including her. And me. I can’t pretend I had nothing to do with it.
“Can we just stay here all day?”
I didn’t know she was awake. Her voice is half muffled and thick with sleep. “Can we pretend the world doesn’t exist?” she mumbles before burrowing deeper under her thick down comforter.
It’s pretty damn tempting. “I would love to,” I admit, nuzzling her neck. She’s warm, and smells like her perfume—and me. It’s intoxicating. “But the world will still be there. I wish that wasn’t true.”
“Five more minutes, then?” She stretches and moves against me. I’m sure it’s innocent, though my dick doesn’t share the opinion and starts thickening against her plump ass.
“Keep that up,” I murmur in her ear, “and we’ll need a lot more than five minutes.”
She turns her head to look up at me. Nothing has ever been as beautiful as she is right now, with her hair mussed and her eyes half closed like she’s still trying to hold on to the dream she was in before she woke up. “Maybe that’s what I want.”
Is this real? Fuck, I want it to be. I want it so badly, it’s almost painful.
I can’t help but indulge myself in the feel of her, letting my hand trail down the hourglass dip of her waist before it flares into her full hip.
She’s finally mine, fully claimed. “Yeah, but I don’t think Emma would like it if she came in here and saw this. ”
She snickers and arches an eyebrow. “Oh, and all of a sudden, you care what other people think?”
Yes, I do, and I don’t think I would have the words to explain it if I tried. I can barely understand it myself. Last night, everything changed.
I didn’t expect it. I knew once I had her like this, I would never want to let her go. That hasn’t changed.
It was me. I’m the one who changed. I would still burn down the world for her, but now I want to do it strategically instead of running into things headfirst and saying fuck the consequences.
The consequences are real. The consequences are lying in my arms now, soft and warm and trusting me.
Needing me. She needs me to be smart, to think things through before I take action.
That’s what I’ve been doing, lying here since before the sun rose, thinking things over and letting her slow, rhythmic breathing soothe me.
I don’t have an entire plan in mind, but I know where the pieces are. I only have to put them together.
Step one. “You should call Saint. What do the two of you usually do together?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes we would go shopping.” She frowns, absentmindedly running her nails over my forearm. “Not that she ever had all that much money to buy anything, and her dad would never let her get what she really wanted.”
She doesn’t have to worry about any of that anymore. “Go out with her today. But when you do,” I add, “don’t, you know, overdo it. It won’t look right if you’re living it up while nobody knows where your fiancé is. Maybe mention your honeymoon,” I add as an afterthought.
She actually jerks in my grasp like I slapped her. “You can’t be serious.”
Like I want to think about him or any other man while holding her in her bed, naked and mine.
“Do I sound like I’m joking? It’s the smartest thing you can do.
Make sure anybody who sees you or overhears you knows you’re still committed to that bastard.
You’re looking forward to the wedding, and you trust everything will be fine. It’s the smart move.”
“Sure, but will I be able to convince anyone I mean it?”
“You will, because you have to. You don’t have a choice.”
“Do you know how tired I am of not having a choice?”
Coming from anybody else, I might think she was exaggerating, trying to get my sympathy. That’s not my little filly. If anything, she takes on too much without asking for help.
I already failed her once by turning my back when all she needed was somebody who gave a shit. I won’t do it again. She’ll never be alone again.
Though I’m not being totally honest with her. Sure, she needs to put up a front, but I have things I need to do, too. I need to have a conversation with one of my brothers, and I can’t do it with Saint hanging around.
She rolls over to face me. I can’t stand to see so much confusion and doubt on her face. “I’m tired of everything I have to do. I’m tired of being scared. I’m so damn tired.”
Stroking soft hair away from her forehead, I whisper, “I understand that.”
There’s a sadness in her smile. “I know you do.”
I could drown in her eyes. She closes them when I drag the backs of my fingers over her cheek, then practically purrs like a kitten. “Are you sure we can’t just stay here?”
She has no idea how tempted I am.
Allie: Grabbing brunch first, then going shopping. Wish me luck.
Spending some time with Saint should help her feel more like herself. That doesn’t mean she’s okay.
Kade: Don’t forget. She can’t know.
I’ll leave it there. I don’t want to say too much where it could be read later by the wrong people. I can take care of that later—it’s part of my plan for the day.
First, I need to have an uncomfortable conversation. After checking to make sure Calder isn’t up at the main house, I drive out to the house he shares with Saint on Bishop land. Their idyllic little bubble away from Roman’s cage.
I used to laugh about them playing house. Now? All I want is to wake up again with Allie in my arms in a home I can call my own. Ours. Is that how my brother felt when he fell for Saint?
I hear his footsteps once I pound against the door. He opens it looking the same as he always does in a rumpled flannel and jeans, carrying a mug in his other hand. “What the hell are you doing here this early?” he asks, checking over my shoulder like he’s expecting an ambush.
“Sorry if I interrupted your coffee,” I reply. “I wanted to talk to you, one-on-one.”
He backs away from the door with a wary look, which I guess is my invitation to come in. “About what?” he asks as he heads for the kitchen.
He won’t make it easy, not that I expected him to.
He’ll twist my balls as painfully as he can before he finally decides to listen.
It’s a good thing I have so much experience.
Otherwise, I might not be able to handle it.
“It wasn’t that long ago you were the one asking us to understand the choices you made. Do you remember that?”
He reaches the kitchen counter and looks down into his mug. “If that’s where this is going, I need more coffee.”
“I’m only asking if you remember. Do you?” I ask, sitting at the kitchen table, where a small bouquet sits in the center. More domesticity. There are touches of Saint everywhere.
“You know I do.” Folding his arms, he jerks his chin. “And?”
“I was on your side when it came to Saint. Do you remember that? I had doubts, but I stuck by you.”
He pours a second mug and leaves it in front of me without asking whether I want any. “Is that what you’re here for? You want to throw that in my face?”
“No.” The coffee is strong. I need it. Anything to keep me sharp.
He lifts his eyebrows. “Then what?”
“I didn’t understand why you were doing what you did, but I trusted you. I knew you believed you were doing the right thing, and I backed you up, even when it could’ve blown up the family.”
“I know.”
“I need that now. I need you to trust me.”
“With what?” He sighs. “What is the endgame? I wasn’t driven by vengeance.”
“Neither am I.”
He lowers his brow and gives me a look I can read easily.
“I was, sure. I’m not anymore.”
“Thank you for at least being honest about that.” He scrubs a hand over his cheek before sighing, then looks toward the window. It’s a bright, sunny day, meaning the glare from the snow still clinging to life is damn near blinding. “So what are you trying to do?”
“All I’m saying is, there’s a bigger plan in play. You’ll understand everything soon.”
He lets his head fall back to stare at the ceiling. “You understand how that doesn’t give me a lot of confidence, right?”
“I trusted you. I didn’t like it, but I trusted you.
I’m asking you to trust me and back me up if it comes to that.
” The words come close to getting lodged in my throat.
Asking for help doesn’t come naturally. It takes picturing Allie’s sleepy face in my head to force me through it.
She’s the one true thing I have to hold on to.
“How do I know you won’t make me regret this?”
I hate that he has to ask. It sets my teeth on edge, but more is at stake now than my pride. I’m focused. For the first time in forever, I know exactly what I need to do. “You’ll have to take my word.”
“I feel so much better.” Yet he sets down his mug and gives me a firm nod before holding out his hand to shake. “Done.”
But as soon as I place my hand in his, his grip tightens. “Burn me on this and kiss your ass goodbye.”
“Don’t worry.” Once he releases me, I pick up the mug and drain the contents, relishing the heat. “I like my ass where it is.”
It’s fucking freezing out. I crank up the heat in the truck and look around in all directions. She’s supposed to meet me here, where we’ve met so many times before. The lake is frozen over, the trees bare of anything but the snow that’s falling once again. It’s light, drifting, swirling in the air.