Chapter 18 #2
They stepped to the side to wait for their drinks.
“Nell, it’s always nice to see you,” Beth said, drawing Nell’s attention. “I didn’t realize you were in town.”
Her tone didn’t quite convey animosity. No, it was more like Beth was trying to figure her out. Whatever it was, Nell wasn’t a fan. She knew it wasn’t her place, technically, but no one messed with Sarah and got away with it without suffering a little first. Not if Nell could help it.
“I flew in yesterday as a little birthday surprise for Sarah. Couldn’t have her spending the day alone.” Nell smirked and wrapped a protective arm around Sarah’s waist, sliding her hand into the back pocket of her jeans. Sarah leaned right into her.
Beth’s eyes widened at her movement, and with the slight raise of her brow, Nell dared her to say something, but if she had thoughts about it, Beth didn’t say them.
“It got so late last night that we decided to make a weekend out of it, didn’t we, Sarah?” Nell added for good measure, enjoying the way she was able to get under Beth’s skin so easily. She had always enjoyed the feeling of knowing when she was able to unsettle someone.
Beth stared at them for a moment as Jamie continued to chat with Sean and Pat about wedding plans. “Sounds like a great way to spend your birthday, Sar.”
“It’s been one of the best birthdays in a while,” Sarah said, turning those hazel eyes on Nell, smiling brightly as their drinks were called.
They grabbed them and made their way back out into the damp air again, her arm still resting comfortably around Sarah, neither of them in a rush to let go as they walked.
The waterfront trail curved ahead of them in a slow sweep of weathered boards hugging the edge of the marina, where rows of sailboats rocked gently in their slips.
Low, gray clouds were smudged along the horizon, mist still hanging in the air.
Every so often, the cry of a gull echoed across the water.
Nell shifted the compostable to-go cup in her hands, warming her fingers against the heat. The scent of coffee and damp pine mixed in the air. Sarah walked quietly beside her, their strides easily syncing as they kept moving down the boarded walkway away from the coffee shop.
“Nell Stanhope, the protector. Who knew?” Sarah said quietly, between the gently tap of their footsteps.
“I’m protective of the people I like. All I did was tell the truth. I didn’t like the idea of you being alone on your birthday, which is why I came to visit.” She shrugged as they came to a stop.
They leaned against the railing of the walkway, coffee in hand, looking out over the water.
Nell watched a line of ducks cut across the mirrored surface, leaving ripples in their wake that bent the reflections of the masts and riggings, surrounding them into unnatural shapes.
She didn’t want to be the first to talk.
Sarah took slow sips of her coffee, and from the corner of her eye, Nell watched her. Watched the way her eyes shifted across the marina, so clearly lost in thought. Finally, she spoke. “We should probably . . . talk about things.”
Nell lifted her brows, not entirely surprised by Sarah’s request, but also not jumping to fill the silence. She let the word “things” sit in the space between them, along with the fog.
“You’re really going to play the silent card?
” Sarah said, with a smile, bumping her shoulder gently against her.
“So predictable.” She felt the warmth of Sarah’s hand on her forearm, the weight of her touch comforting her growing unease.
“We need to talk about you and me. What this is. And what it’s not.
I think we both could use a little clarity here. ”
“I do value clarity,” Nell said, with a laugh, bringing her hand to rest on top of Sarah’s. “Alright. Let’s talk about it.”
Sarah glanced sideways at her before looking back out over the water. “So, you’re aromantic.”
Nell smirked. “One hopelessly nonromantic sapphic here.”
“And I . . .” Sarah’s voice took on a wry edge. “. . . am a hopeless romantic. You know, soulmates and all that.”
Nell gripped her coffee cup a little tighter at that statement, fearing what was coming next. She braced herself for the rejection Sarah was surely about to deliver. “I know,” Nell said. “But I like that we are different in this way.”
Sarah turned, tilting her head, a stray wisp of hair falling in front of her eyes before she swept it effortlessly behind her ear. Her cheeks were perfectly rosy from the chilly air, but that intensity still burned behind her eyes.
“You like that I want something you don’t?”
“I do.” She let out a long breath as she organized everything she wanted to say to Sarah.
“You make it look so easy—knowing exactly what you want and asking for it.” Her voice caught, but she pushed through.
“You and I don’t think about love in the same way, but I love how you see it, even if it isn’t the type of love for me.
I love how sure you are, while still encouraging me to be exactly who I am, not trying to pull me into your version of it.
You make me think about connection and care, and about the many ways one can belong to someone and what that truly means.
The way we love each other has made my world bigger than I ever imagined.
None of that would have happened if you and I didn’t see love differently. ”
She’d barely finished her sentence when Sarah pulled her into a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around her, enveloping her in warmth as their bodies pressed together.
It took a few seconds for Nell’s body to relax into the touch, but she let herself feel the weight of Sarah as she brought her arms up to circle her waist in a hug that felt like home.
They stood like that, water lapping at the boards beneath them, just holding each other. “I don’t need to want the exact same things as you to want you in my life, Sarah,” Nell whispered into her shoulder.
Sarah’s arms dropped as she pulled back. Nell immediately missed the comfort of their bodies pressed together.
“Are you sure? Because here’s where I’m feeling like I’m stuck: I’m not interested in seeing other people right now. I’m happy with what we have. It works for me, and, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it works for you, too.”
Nell nodded her agreement.
“But you and I think about the future very differently. One day, I do want that romantic, once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, but I know that’s something you’re not interested in, and that kind of leaves me in this stuck place.
” She let out a quick, almost embarrassed laugh, but it didn’t hide the worry that accompanied her words.
“I know how that sounds, and I hate even saying it out loud because I don’t know what that means for us. ”
Sarah finally looked back at her, a hint of sadness in her eyes that Nell really wished wasn’t there because there wasn’t any reason for it. She didn’t like seeing sadness in the place of the fire that usually filled Sarah’s gaze.
“Our continuing with a physical relationship . . .” Sarah began, reaching forward to take Nell’s hand in hers, her thumb gently rubbing over her knuckles.
“Would that ruin our chance of maintaining this beautiful understanding of each other we’ve built, when we both know that one day I’m going to want something more than you can offer? ”
Nell inhaled damp air as she looked out over the water, fighting her desire to reassure Sarah immediately that yes, they would be just fine if the day ever came, but she stopped herself from answering right away. Instead, she considered.
“I think we would be okay,” Nell said, after a moment.
“You’ve always wanted that kind of love.
I know that, and I want you to have everything you want in life.
But I also need you to know that you wanting that won’t ever make me love you any less.
Your place in my life isn’t dependent on whether or not we’re sleeping together.
You feel like family to me. I’m not going anywhere just because you want to have your great love story one day. Like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”
Sarah’s smile was reassuring as she asked another question. “So, where does that leave us in your mind?”
Nell shook her head gently, her long braid shaking with the movement. Sarah and her questions—questions she would always do her best to try to answer for her.
“Wherever we want it to. Wherever we decide is best for us. I’m tired of relationships needing to fit so neatly in a box based on what society thinks they should be.
Why can’t we just be us, and keep talking along the way to make sure we’re getting what we need?
I like sleeping with you. Selfishly, I don’t want to lose out on some of the best sex I’ve ever had.
You make me feel safe, and I’ve shown you sides of me that very few others have seen.
When I’ve shown them to you, you’ve handled me with care and a gentleness I didn’t realize I needed. ”
Sarah’s smile curved gradually, her relief clear. “I’m glad you don’t want it to stop. Neither do I. So that leaves us as . . . friends with benefits? I feel a little too old for that, don’t you? And you feel more important than just a friend.”
“I don’t know what to call it exactly. Do we need to get caught up in the exact label? Can’t we let this continue to be what it’s always been—the two of us having fun together?”
Sarah gave her a long moment of consideration.
“You know what? I think that’s exactly what I need.
I’ve spent so much time thinking about the future, what comes next, and how I get there from here, but you’ve taught me how to be in the present moment, and I think I need some more of that right now.
As for the fun, we are really good at that part, aren’t we? ”
They began walking back in the direction of the car, Nell linking her arm with Sarah’s. “I’d say we’re exceptional at it.”