Chapter 25 - Rowen
Ispent the entire week pampering Avery, more so than usual, complete with a gift on the breakfast table every morning.
I rescheduled many of my meetings so I could have extra time to give her massages, watch her favorite movies, and feed her snacks.
She laughed when I offered to buy her a goddamn puppy.
Avery finally breached the conversation during lunch, saying I needed to move on if I wanted her to act normally. She said I was going overboard with my gestures, that it was a constant reminder of what had happened.
So, I promised to stop—right after I hand-fed her the filet I’d cooked and carried her up to our bedroom so she wouldn’t have to walk.
I just wanted to spoil her.
“Can we try something new?” she asked when we got to the room, her voice smooth and sexy.
She had no idea I’d try anything for her. If Avery asked me to dive off a cliff to prove my love, I’d do so without even looking to see what awaited me at the bottom.
“I’ll try anything for you,” I said as I kissed her again, my mind already racing with what wildly erotic thing she might suggest. “What did you have in mind?”
She pushed me onto the bed then pointed at the headboard.
At the cuffs still hanging there.
A reminder to us both.
For her, a symbol of just how entangled we were, how obsessed I was, how willing I was to do whatever it took to keep our love alive.
For me, a representation of my momentary lapse of control, a warning of what the future might look like if Avery didn’t feel loved and secure here with me.
“I just thought it might be nice if you showed me some trust for a change,” she interrupted my thoughts. “I feel like I’ve given you plenty, but I wondered if you’d… You know what? It’s stupid. Just forg—”
“I’ll do it.” I pulled her to straddle my lap.
“Anything to prove how much you mean to me.” I pressed my lips against her collarbone, listening to her breathing change.
“I mean it, Av. You’re everything to me, and I love you so fucking much.
I’ll spend every last one of my goddamn days proving it to you. ”
The corners of her lips curled up just slightly. “Okay.”
She bit her lip nervously as she slid off my lap and gestured for me to get in position.
I sat with my back to the headboard and watched her straddle me again.
I was totally enamored by her as she placed her fingers on my chest, tracing the inked lines—her brand, the symbols —like she was trying to memorize the picture they painted.
Then, her hands moved down one of my arms to wrap around my wrist and bring it up to the cuff.
She buckled the strap then looked at me.
“Is it too tight?” she asked softly, her breath warm on my face.
I shook my head.
My heart was pounding hard enough to leave my chest as she did the same thing to my other wrist. I swallowed hard, resisting the urge to pull away. I remained still, trusting her.
The vulnerability tightening in my chest was unexpected, and I had to focus on breathing steadily. I was giving her something I’d never given anyone, here for the taking. She could do just about anything she wanted, and I was limited as to my options to stop her.
Avery grabbed something from the nightstand and showed it to me.
A blindfold.
Fuck, Av.
She was testing me, and she was right, but giving up control wasn’t me; it didn’t come easy. It didn’t feel right.
But I was trying for her. For us.
If I could give up control for a moment, maybe she’d see past all my demons.
I stared at the black silk blindfold in her hand and nodded, breathing deeper than usual when she slid it over my face, stealing my view, making my heart rate spike.
She must’ve been terrified when I’d restrained her against her will. I was letting her do it willingly, and I was all stressed out for no reason.
Her hands cascaded down to my chest with a soft tickle of her fingers. Her lips grazed my neck, and I tilted toward her, chasing her. I was starving for her, needing her touch, her reassurance.
But she pulled away, and then her weight shifted off me.
“Avery?”
Nothing.
Every muscle in my body tightened. “Avery.”
More silence.
“Avery.” Frustration was rising in my tone.
Still nothing.
The air had shifted to cold and silent. All I could hear was my own breathing, my racing heartbeat. All I could feel was the panic curling in my lower stomach.
Was she leaving?
“I found your box,” she said from somewhere in the room.
Fuck.
The box.
The pills. The logbook. The evidence of how far I’d gone to make her mine.
“What?” I was still in shock.
“The one in the kitchen, behind the spices.” She didn’t sound close, but she was calm—too calm. “I’m guessing I wasn’t meant to find it.”
My mouth went dry. “Avery, I don—”
“Is the birth control even real?”
I tugged at the cuffs, my chest tight, my throat aching. “Uncuff me, and we can talk about it. I promise, I’ll explain every—”
“June 5. Scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Hid powder inside her pancakes. She ate both.” There was a soft shuffle of paper, like she was turning the pages.
“Av, don’t go through it alone. Please. Let me go and—”
“July 23. Had sex on the patio, in the living room, and in the bedroom. Came inside her all three times.”
“Stop. Please st—”
“July 24. Her period is two days late. Will start watching for signs of…pregnancy.”
She wasn’t pregnant, and I knew that, thanks to the ‘wellness check box’ I told her I got her to make sure she was healthy and everything was okay. We drew her blood, sent it in, and a doctor emailed her all the details of her tests—sans pregnancy test, as I requested.
I bit the inside of my cheek, hating the way her voice broke, hating that I was causing her pain. Again.
If she’d just set me free. Let me tell her—
“When did you decide you were going to get me pregnant without telling me?” she asked quietly. “Before or after I started the fake birth control?”
“I swear to fucking God, Avery—”
“Before or after?” she stated again, venom in her voice.
My heart was pounding loudly in my ears, making it impossible to think. “I can explain everything. Just let me out,” I rasped.
“No.”
The same answer I’d given her when she asked me to release her.
Now I was the helpless one.
Not just restrained. Not just blindfolded.
But completely, utterly at Avery’s mercy.
“You said you loved me,” she continued, “but you kept this from me. You even fed me the bullshit lie that we could talk about it later, when we were both ready.”
“I do love you,” I snapped, hating how pathetic and desperate I sounded.
“I love you so much, it fucks me up, okay? I can’t bear the thought of losing you, Av.
” I yanked on the cuffs. “One day, you’ll realize I’m too messed up and you’ll want to leave.
They always leave, Av. Everyone always abandons me.
One day, you will too.” My voice cracked. “I can’t lose you.”
“So you lie to me? You go behind my back and, what, try to get me pregnant?” Her voice was strained, like she was on the verge of tears. “It’s one thing to try and get me pregnant, but it’s a whole different game when you use fertility supplements to increase the chances. That’s not love.”
“Goddammit, Av—”
“All I can think about is what else you haven’t told me.”
“Nothing else, I swear.” I pulled hard against the cuffs.
“Now you know how it feels to be tied up and unsure,” she whispered. “To have no control over what happens next.”
She was crying now. I could hear it in the way her voice shook. It cut through me, hurting more than anything I’d ever experienced.
“I’m hopelessly in love with you,” I said, taking a deep breath and lying against the headboard.
“I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you’d say no, afraid you’d see how badly I wanted it and decide it was too much for you to handle.
Once I started, I couldn’t just tell you.
I had to keep it secret because I knew you’d look at me like I was sick. ”
“You are sick,” she choked out.
The silence that followed almost broke me.
“Avery,” I begged. “Please. I need to see you. Let me fix this. I can fix it. Let me fix it.”
Her footsteps got closer. “The worst part is I still don’t want to leave, even after knowing everything.” Her sniffles were hard to listen to, each one a stab to the gut. “Maybe I’m the sick one.” I felt the bed dip. “You make me feel like I’m losing myself, but I’m scared of who I am without you.”
I licked my lips. “I love you even if you hate me. Even if you leave me cuffed to this bed forever. Even if you fucking hurt me. You’re it for me, Avery.
I have nothing if I don’t have you.” My throat tightened.
“Please don’t leave me. You have every piece of me, even the ones I swore I’d never let anyone see.
So believe me when I say, I’ll never let you go. ”
I felt her hand on my chest, right over her name. Her fingers trembled. Then, the blindfold came off.
When I opened my eyes, she was staring at me with eyes full of fury and heartbreak. Love was tangled in there too, fighting to break through.
We were both sick.
But we were sick for each other.