Liz
Jax hadn’t come home in a few days.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She was gone super early and came home super late—and I only noticed that because she woke me up when she crawled into bed and spooned me from behind.
It gave me hope for our relationship because it meant that it wasn’t about me. But I still missed her.
It was crazy. I thought about her all day, every day. But I didn’t let myself feel embarrassed about how much I wanted her, even if it did feel a little bit immature sometimes.
I was getting more and more nervous. I had gotten a glimpse of what her job was like when the asshole broke the glass at my gallery. Was that what she had to deal with on the daily?
The worry was almost unbearable, and the fact that she didn't stop to tell me what was happening hurt my feelings. I knew it was mostly work and likely her mother, but there was a strangely insecure part of me that felt that maybe it was my fault.
That maybe after seeing Claire, and the three of us sat together in a very awkward few minutes, she had decided it was all too much for her.
Maybe she was having second thoughts. Regretting us. Maybe she had realized I was there to meet my daughter so I could come clean.
Did I mess up? It felt like it, but I tried not to let my mind spiral too far.
I knew from experience that the best way to get rid of anxiety and fear was to get busy. So I got busy.
After four days of this, I decided to wake up early to catch her before she left. By the time her alarm went off, I was awake. I was awake when she kissed my cheek before getting up too—did she do that every day and I didn’t know?—but I stayed still.
When six a.m. rolled around, a freshly showered Jax was ready and headed straight for the door, her eyes glued to her phone. But then my presence caught her eye.
She paused in her strut, freezing when she saw me. She wore her casual jeans and T-shirt, and her hair was still wet from the shower, looking nothing like she was going to work for her multibillion-dollar company, but that was just her. And I… liked her just like that.
I was standing behind her kitchen counter with two bags of food, which was probably weird so early in the morning.
“I had to do a lot of asking around to see where you spend your time these days,” I said with a smile. “Though I do have to admit I did use my charm, as Sloan called it, to get some insight.”
She walked toward me then, her face twisting into an unreadable expression.
“Liz, I'm sorry. I—”
“For Emerson,” I cut in, pushing one of the bags toward her.
My hands paused on the next one before doing the same.
“And for your mother. Growing up, my grandfather was in a home, and one of the things that made him extremely happy was a warm home-cooked meal that reminded him of his childhood.
I'm not going to pretend to know what your mother's childhood was like, but everyone loves soup. I started it last night and slow-cooked it. so it should be pretty damn good. Also, you got a really nice slow cooker—you should use it more.”
She looked down at the two bags, her hands lifting so they were just hovering over mine. And then, with a sigh, they finally came to grab mine, and I was too happy to take them.
“Jax, I know we're not that close, but I will try and do everything I can to help. I know some of the stuff might not be my business, but if you can think of anything, even making food, I'll do it for you.”
She swallowed thickly and finally met my eyes.
“Are you mad at me?” she asked.
Shock must've been obvious across my face.
“Aren't you the one mad at me or something?”
“I could never be mad at you.” She leaned forward, her lips just brushing mine. “I was… worried you were mad at me for trying to come clean to your daughter behind your back.”
Her admission had guilt eating at my stomach.
“Jax… Could I really be mad at you if I was about to do the same?”
She chuckled as she pressed her forehead against mine. “And there I was, ready to take the bullet for you, but then I chickened out when I realized that no matter what I said, it would probably fall back on you.”
Emotion clogged my throat. She put me first. I don’t think anyone ever did that.
“I don't deserve you,” I whispered. “Or her. I chickened out when I saw you there.”
She shushed me and slowly cupped my face.
“Don’t be so harsh on yourself. We will figure this out, okay?
In fact, your daughter seems to be protecting you from me!
She essentially told me to stop ogling you because it might be making you uncomfortable.
” I gasped at that, but she smiled. “Apparently, I was never good at hiding what I felt like when I looked at you.”
“What?”
“Yeah, and then she added that you’d eat me alive. Which is true. But you already know I love that.”
In that moment, just the two of us, my heart began to swell. I held her close, afraid that if I looked away for one second, this dream might truly vanish before my very eyes.
I didn't want this to end. I didn't want her to leave.
I wanted her. And she was making me feel things I’d never felt before.
“I have to go,” she said after a long moment, letting go of me, and I think I groaned. “I know, I know, but I have to. Thank you for this. It was sweet of you.”
She took the food, one in each hand, and I stood there, watching her go, feeling forlorn until she turned around at the last second.
“Do you want to come… meet my mom?”
Excitement shot through me so fast I couldn’t contain it. “Yes! I do!”
She shook her head and laughed.
“Only you would be excited for something like this. Okay, I’ll pick you up at the gallery later?”
“Perfect. Well, if that’s the case, I will take this with me.” I chased after her and grabbed the food before leaning on my tiptoes to give her a kiss. Her eyes fluttered open as I pulled away. “Have a good day, baby girl.”
“Just for you, my wonderful, perfect, MILF.”
“You may pay for that later,” I said as I started pushing her out the door.
When it finally shut behind her, I let myself live in the light and in the joy that had spread between us.
Then I rushed back into my room to find the perfect outfit for today.
First impressions are everything.
I knew her mom was having a bad day by the look on the nurse’s face. Professionals were really good at hiding their feelings, but it was almost impossible when it was bad enough.
“Mom, it's okay. I'm here now and—”
“Well, what exactly are you going to do about it?” the older, frail woman asked with a venom I didn't know her body could possibly hold.
I could see the old her, the nice, caring, sweet woman Jax had talked about through the anger. When she snapped out of it, she was right back to her old self.
One moment, she would be looking at both of us with so much vitriol I was worried if I should be pulling Jax out of the room before it got too bad, but the next, she was sweet again.
Jax was good at diverting her attention elsewhere, using her own words and delusions to funnel her into the next topic.
It had taken almost half an hour to get her to sit down at the table, and this was the first time I was able to open the soup I had made.
“Oh, did you bring me something nice to eat?”
I nodded with a smile and started scooping it into a plastic bowl I had brought.
There was finally an excited grin on her face.
“The food in this place sucks,” she said with a small chuckle. “But at least the people are nice.”
“And that counts for something, right?” I asked with equal excitement. “Now, I may not be the world's best cook, but one of my favorite dishes was my grandma’s chicken noodle soup. I know it sounds basic, but you'd be surprised at how hard it is to make a good one.”
She grabbed her bowl and spoon as if nothing before this had happened.
I could feel how tired Jax was. She leaned into me, seeking comfort. I could tell that she wanted to apologize for something that was not her fault, but I wouldn't look at her. I was focusing on the little lady in front of me.
As soon as she started eating, her eyes lit up.
“You know, Ma made something really similar to this. She would stew the chicken for days sometimes, continuously adding vegetables and water to make new soup. Though I have to say yours tastes much better, and it's probably better for the stomach too.”
Jax relaxed beside me.
“Thank you,” I said. “And it's really nice to meet you. I know I mentioned it before, but I'm Liz.”
“Jaxie’s friend. Oh yes, I know.” She gave me a wink. “I’m Donna. My friends call me Don.”
“Mama,” Jax whined, and I could see it now. The two of them at the table just like this. Her mother sitting there, teasing her about all her crushes.
It made my heart warm before it shattered.
How awful would it be to sit there and watch your mother deteriorate before your eyes?
“I know I'm not the best company now,” her mom said, putting her spoon back in her soup. “But I appreciate you coming to visit. Meeting new people and seeing your life is… more than I can ask for.”
Jax leaned over and held her hand.
“I'll be here every moment I can.”
“Me too, if you’ll have me,” I said with a smile.
Her mother looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“I hope this doesn't make you think less of me. Jaxie, I'm really sorry. Sometimes my mind is just—”
I reached over and put my hand on top of theirs.
“I understand. Truly.” I took a deep breath, my eyes shooting to Jax and then to her mother. “I… grew up with a grandfather in a very similar situation. Though my family did not have the means to get help. Not until we had no choice.”
“I didn't know,” Jax breathed.
My admission seemed to lift a weight off her mother's chest. She let out a deep breath and sank into her seat.
“So at least you can prepare her. For when it gets…
for when I don't remember myself anymore.
That's good. I'm grateful.” She tried to take another bite of her soup, but her hand was shaking so bad she had to put it back down.
“I don't know what or why it happens to me.
Where I go. I only realize it after, when I see the look on your face, and I…
I'm sorry, Jaxie. I never wanted to hurt you like this.”
“Mama, let's not talk like this, okay?”
It was hurting Jax, but I could tell she needed to let it out.
“Honey, I know it's been hard for you. I know you've been doing all you can, and I appreciate everything you've done.
But you don't know how happy it makes me to know that you finally have someone who can help you through this.
This whole… situation has been like a nightmare.
And knowing my little girl is having to deal with the awful person I've become…”
The tears were flowing freely now.
“You could never be awful,” Jax told her.
“It's not you,” I added carefully. “This is not who you are, and it does not define you.”
She looked at me with a gray smile. “Thank you, sweetie. And thank you for bringing food. I'll be looking forward to what you bring next time. Now, I think it's time for you to go while I'm still… me.”
Jax was about to fight back, but I saw it for what it was. She was still a mother trying to protect her child. It brought tears to my eyes.
I could see the care in her eyes. The worry for her child. And I could only imagine how hard it had to be to watch Jax leave and not know if you’d remember this next time. Or even if you would be the same person next time you saw her.
I imagined myself in her position, worrying over what I said or did and if it hurt her.
It's a hell I would never wish on anyone. And somehow she was still maneuvering it with so much grace.
“Do you have anything you want to eat next time?” I asked as I stood up.
“Oh, banana pudding, if you have the gift of making desserts,” she said, not even being shy about her request.
I gave her a bright smile. “Will do. You enjoy that, and we'll see you soon, okay?”
I grabbed Jax’s hand, giving them enough time to say their goodbyes before slowly taking her out of the room. She was silent until we left the hospital, but then, when I turned to her, she grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug.
“Thank you so much, I—” Her voice broke. I threw my arms around her and pulled her as close as I could to me.
“You did so great. I could see how wonderful she is.”
Is. Not was. One thing that always annoyed me was how my parents always talked about my grandfather in the past tense, even though he was right there.
“I never knew about… Well, I guess I never asked. Or maybe we haven't gotten that far yet.”
I pulled away to look at her. Her eyes were red and full of tears.
“We have all the time in the world to talk about ourselves,” I told her. squeezing her arms. “And from experience, I can tell you that you're doing the best you can for her. It's far more than what my parents ever did for my grandfather. I was young, but I knew he deserved more.”
“I just wish we…” Her face crumbled. “We had more time. I wanted her to see the wedding. Kids. Everything. But I know there may not be enough time for that.”
A quick realization passed across her face.
“Oh God… I didn’t mean… I didn't want to pressure you or—”
“We have all the time in the world,” I reminded her and then looked up at her. “Kids. Is that something you want?”
She swallowed deeply, almost as if afraid to tell me what she was truly thinking.
“It's okay,” I coaxed. “I have Claire. I've always wanted Claire. It would be selfish of me to think you wouldn't want any more kids.”
“Any more,” she repeated with a slight chuckle.
“I don't know if Claire would ever see me as a stepmother.
I feel like she's way more mature than I am. But, as far as having kids, I… Maybe?” Jax paused for a moment.
“You know, being adopted, I don't really know anything about my biological family, so I thought it would be nice to…”
She trailed off toward the end, but I knew what she meant.
“To build one of your own. I get it.”
She looked at me with a new light in her eyes. “You do?”
“I may be older now, but… I have always wanted more than one child. When I got divorced, I thought that that dream went down the drain but…” I gave her a long, lingering look. “Maybe not. But that's the beauty of it, right? That we can figure out what works best for us?”
“Right. You’re right.”
She reached forward again, bringing me into her arms. Her happiness was infectious, and I was just glad that she was feeling better.
“Now come on,” I said, still not pushing her away. “We still need to get you lunch.”
She reluctantly pulled away from me, but there was a pep in her step when she walked.
And to me, for the first time in my life, it felt like things were going in the right direction.
Like I was finally with the right person.