Jax
“This is it?” I asked as I ran my hand through her hair.
Liz was lying on my lap, and we were under a shaded tree, looking at the people walking through Central Park.
We had gotten some snacks and a nonalcoholic fizzy drink at an organic grocery store, and we had decided to just sit, eat, and people-watch.
I'd been pushing Liz for more ideas on what to do for dates, and this was what she’d decided on.
“This is it,” she answered, turning so that she was facing up and looking at the tree above us. “You asked me to choose something I’d never done before, and this is it. Tell me, can you imagine him ever doing this with me?”
“No,” I said. I didn’t even need to consider it. “I can’t.”
She closed her eyes, her face so clearly at peace.
I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.
She was so gorgeous. So down to earth. And so understanding. She had met all the challenges in her life and added mine without even blinking. I was so worried about her meeting my mother and running away because of it that I hadn’t thought about what would happen after.
I hadn’t thought of blurting out about marriage and kids even though it had always been at the back of my mind. More than a societal thing, it was something I’d always wanted.
Once my mom found me and took me in, it was the best experience of my life. She gave me the warmth of a family I’d never known. I just wish we had found each other sooner.
To imagine a warm house, filled with voices and laughter, with love flowing easily between all of us, where no one would ever have to walk on eggshells or wonder if the next day would be the day someone finally decided they were sick of you…
Even as I tried to keep it bundled up inside me, I’d still gotten excited about it and let myself believe it could become a reality.
The thought of having my own family went up in flames when I found out about my mother's diagnosis.
As awful as it might sound, I knew that if I wanted to be present in her life, it was highly unlikely that I could date, find someone compatible, or even ever have the time or energy to have children.
But Liz was different in every way. I knew with her I stood the chance of making dreams come true. And if she was willing to build this life with me, it might actually work out.
With her, things had changed. There was no rush. I had time to figure everything out. I had time to live my life without meeting everyone else's expectations or feeling like I was constantly drowning in guilt for not being there enough for my mother.
I could choose to have kids. I could choose not to. I had her. I wasn't doing this alone.
Going from rushing every day of my life to make more money and get more clients to having time to be in the park on a cute little date with the woman I’d wanted from the moment I saw her and had been crazy about for years was something I never thought possible.
Things were quiet. My men had been with me for a long time, and I trusted them, and there hadn't been a sign of any issues. Not even from Liz’s douche ex.
For the first time in my life, I was able to push off all the stress and just be present. So, instead of worrying about what could possibly be awaiting over the horizon, I just lived.
“Liz,” I said after a moment. Her eyes fluttered open, warm brown pools looking at me with so much emotion. A part of me might always feel like I didn’t deserve it, but the rest of me was willing to take the risk anyway. “I want you to be my forever.”
Her eyes widened, and then a slow smile spread across her face.
“Rushing straight into it, aren't we?” The warm teasing in her tone had my cheeks heating, but I couldn’t stop now.
I ran my hand down her face. “I don't think I can hold back anymore. I was worried that I was being selfish for wanting you. That I didn't deserve someone like you. But I know what I want, and this is not just some stupid crush on someone I thought was unavailable to me. That I could never have.”
“Unavailable? Never? Wow,” she said with a chuckle. But her hand came up, and she threaded her fingers through mine.
“And you can take however long you need, but I want to tell you that this isn't going to go away for me. I never told anyone this before… I think I'm falling in love with you.”
She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. The longer she was silent, the more it felt that I’d spoken too soon. I watched emotions run through her as I tried to find something to say to cut through whatever this was until she finally settled on a small smile.
“And here I thought I would be the one to say it first.”
What did she just say?
My heart pounded so fast in my chest, I was afraid it would burst out. And then the happiness came. An unbridled happiness I’d never felt before started taking over my entire body.
I couldn't help myself. I leaned over just as she pushed herself up so we could kiss.
I kissed her like it was the first and last time. I kissed her without holding back. I wanted her to feel my love. And she reciprocated every single ounce.
When we parted, we were breathless.
“Is this too fast?” I asked her.
Her hands came to run through my hair the way I liked it while we stayed just as we were—faces pushed together, lips centimeters apart. And then she shook her head.
“I was worried about that too. But the more I'm with you, the less I want to be apart. The more this feels right.”
“Then it's official? You're mine?”
She chuckled and gave me a quick peck on the lips. “It's more accurate to say that you're mine.”
Something more serious fell between us then.
“This means we have to tell her.”
“I can do it,” I said quickly. “I know how good your relationship is, and I would never want to ruin that. I'd rather—”
“Ruin her only friendship?”
“I'm not her only friend,” I corrected. She pulled away to look at me.
“No, just her best friend.”
I had nothing to say to that. Because it was the truth. And that didn't help the guilt I felt, but I knew—and now I knew Liz did too—that it didn’t matter how wrong it seemed to anyone else. There was no denying the two of us.
“I’ll tell her,” Liz said. “I have a lunch date with her in two days, and then we can go to my office to talk. Ideally, I would like to do this at home but… you know.”
Claire didn’t know what had happened, just as she didn’t know her father was around, and there was no way to explain why Liz was in my apartment without all of it being out in the open.
“Are you okay to do this?”
“I have to be.”
I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.
“And what if she asks you to break up with me? What if she says she'll no longer talk to you until you do?”
“Do you really think my daughter would ask something like that?”
Her words pulled at my heart. Because no, Claire would never. She wasn’t selfish or reactive. Regardless of how many fights we’d had over the years, she was always the more mature one. Always the more reasonable one.
Somehow, that made me even more scared. Because we had taken her trust for granted and we’d kept things from her.
Would she think love was a good enough reason for why we had done this? For what we had done to her?
“I know,” Liz said and cupped my face. “I can see the guilt on your face. I feel it too. But the longer we keep this from her, the harder it will be, and the more hurt she will be.”
I nodded.
“Just remember. Whatever happens, I’m here. And whatever you choose… I will understand.”
Her face looked like what my heart felt when I said those words.
“Even if I leave you because of it?”
“Yes. Even then.”