Chapter 6
Vee
Aheavy weight presses down on my chest, making breathing difficult.
I’m gasping for breath as Josh holds me firmly against him, stroking his hand along my back.
The ache in my heart comes in waves, pounding down on me, threatening to pull me under.
I feel such emptiness, as if a part of me has been ripped away.
A mixture of anger, confusion, and sadness courses through me.
How did I go from what I thought was love from them to total isolation?
That’s right! I couldn’t choose between them. And I kept my relationships, my feelings from all of them. Even the ones I harbored for Josh, that never got a chance to take flight.
As much as I crave the affection he’s giving me, being on his lap is confusing, and I wiggle my bottom until I’m sitting on the cushion of the couch. His hand never leaves my back.
“I wouldn’t move like that too much, or I won’t be able to control myself. I’m barely holding it together as it is, being this close to you and knowing how deeply you’re hurting.” He half-heartedly chuckles as he shifts his legs.
I hear his words, but I don’t have the energy to respond.
Instead, I keep my head on his shoulder as I break down.
His hand still strokes my back, catching a tendril of my hair with each movement and pulling gently.
Any other time that mere movement would have my pussy soaked and begging for cock, but not now.
I know I’ve ruined everything, not only for me but for them: Luke, Hank, and Josh.
In the long run, I know they’ll be able to patch the rupture I created in their brotherhood bond.
Maybe I am what Hank says I am. Just another slut being greedy, wanting more than she deserves.
“Shhh, it’ll all pass over,” Josh whispers as I sob, his shirt fisted in my hand. “Everyone just needs a minute to cool down and clear their minds. Once they do, everything will be okay.”
His logic would be sane in any other situation, but I don’t see it happening with this one. Too much has been said, and too many feelings trampled on. Was I so foolish to think that there was any sliver of hope that I could have something as amazing as Ash or Arizona?
“How do you know that?” I sniffle.
“I just do,” he replies, his voice firm and resolute. God, I wish I had his confidence.
“I’m a terrible person. How could I let myself develop feelings for the three of you?
I should’ve closed my heart off. When Luke shied away from me, I should’ve let my feelings end there, and I never should’ve confessed my desire for you.
And Hank? I’ve turned him into this angry bear of a man. It’s not who he is, not to me anyway.”
He lets out a soft chuckle that turns into a boisterous laugh.
My mouth morphs into a frown before dropping open.
I push away from his embrace, wanting to distance myself from his contact.
Tilting my head to the left, my eyebrows furrow as I gaze upon him in puzzlement.
My heart races as I fight to control myself.
How could he laugh at me? I’m baring my soul and he’s supposed to be a fucking doctor. Don’t they get training in how to compose themselves, and counsel the grief-stricken?
“You’re laughing at me?” I finally question him.
“Yes and no. I know you’re hurting, but believe me, once those two idiots get their heads out of their asses, they’ll be beating down your door begging for your forgiveness. And Veronica, there’s no world where you’re a terrible person.”
I go to open my mouth, but he reaches out, cupping my face, cradling my chin gingerly in his hand.
“I’m not done. Both of those men love you.
I’ve seen them around you, how they dote on you, when their eyes linger on you long after they should’ve looked away.
I know because I look at you the same way.
” He drags his thumb lazily across my lower lip.
“Hell, I’ve always noticed you, but at the time, I saw you with Luke.
And, if I’m being honest, he is a better fit for you.
Always has been. I’m busy, not just with the hospital, but the club.
So I buried my feelings, pushed them to the back and never acted on them. ”
I’m hearing the words he’s saying, but I can’t process them. My mind is all over the place, and my heart is broken. All I wanted was to be with them, no animosity, just pure love like my friends have with their men. But they don’t want that, and I have to accept it.
“Then Hurricane Ash came charging in on us, and I was caring for her. That put me in your presence more often. We talked, and I learned you were more than just the sassy redhead beauty who worked at Hell’s Desire.
Then, over the course of treating Hank, I saw that amazing, caring heart you have.
I can’t fight my feelings anymore. I won’t.
I want you, Veronica, and I’m more than willing to share. ”
He’s saying everything I want to hear, words I wish Luke and Hank could express to me. But they didn’t; for them I’d have to choose. My head and heart are so conflicted.
What should I do? Hope that they can come around to Josh’s thinking? And if they don't, do I pursue what Josh is offering? Me and him? What would it do to the three of them, especially with them being in the same club?
No, I can’t be that person. There’s no way I’m going to be the Yoko to their Beatles.
I was right. I need to forget the Hellions forever and push my feelings down into the pit of my stomach, and bury them.
“Thank you, Josh. But right now, I just need to be alone.” I wipe the tears from my eyes as I clear my throat.
“Are you sure? I can stay. We don’t have to do anything but sit here. Maybe watch a movie. We don’t even need to talk.”
And I know he would. That’s what makes him perfect.
He’s handsome, intelligent, has a career, and is loyal to a fault to his brothers.
That’s just a few of the amazing qualities he has.
But I won’t put him in the position of choosing between me and them.
I’d lose. And I couldn’t take that heartbreak.
What I’m feeling now is enough to last a lifetime.
“Yes, I'm sure. I just need to be alone to think.”
“Okay, darlin’. But just so you know, I’m not staying away forever.
I stifled my feelings for you once, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to do it again.
” He leans in, kissing me chastely on the lips.
Not something you’d expect from a biker.
But he’s more than that. He stands slowly, tilting my head upward.
“I mean it, Veronica. I’m going to give you the time you ask for.
I have a twenty-four hour shift at the hospital tomorrow, but as soon as I’m done there, I’m coming back to you. Do you understand?”
I nod my head, and he growls. It’s so animalistic, and I’d kill to see how it affects me in the heat of passion. But I stifle those thoughts quickly because it’s not going to happen.
“I need a yes or no, Veronica. No head shaking. I want to make sure you’re fully aware I’m not letting you go for a second time. As for Luke and Hank, trust me, they will see reason, even if I have to beat it into them.”
“Yes, I understand,” I mumble. I don’t agree, but it’s not worth arguing.
“Okay, I’m going to go find Hank so I can check that wound, then get some sleep. I’ll message you later.” He lets go of my chin and I’m already missing the warmth his contact offered. Josh stops at the door, looking back over his shoulder at me. “Make sure to lock this behind me.”
“I will,” I mutter, rising slowly from the couch so I can do it.
I shut the door behind him, turning the lock into place, as I rest my forehead against it.
Fuck yesterday! Fuck today! It’s been nothing but a shit show.
I’m still stupefied that this has turned me from the ballsy, take no shit woman I am, into a crying mess.
Is this what love does to you? If so, this shit is for the birds.
Josh’s words still play over in my mind. He’ll be back and even if he has to beat the crap out of them, he’ll sway Luke and Hank to wanting a poly romance. Fuck that shit.
If he has to threaten the other two to be with me as a group, then I don’t want them. Either they accept what I can give or they don’t. I can’t sit around and let it eat away at me.
I need some time to think, away from the men who’ve crushed my soul every day.
Pushing off the door, I go to my bedroom and pick up my phone from the nightstand.
I sit down on the carpet, letting my back rest against my bed, and open my contacts in my phone.
I know exactly who to call who’ll help me.
I just don’t feel like giving all the details, so I hope like hell that he doesn’t pry.
Not right now, at least. I’ll tell him when I can do it without turning into a bawling mess.