Chapter 16
“They created motorbike helmets for this very reason, you moron!”
“It was only a quick five-minute drive to the pharmacy, I didn’t think.”
“Clearly, you didn’t fucking think! I swear you get dumber with each passing day of your miserable existence!”
“The only thing miserable about my existence is you!”
“Fuck you!”
“Bite me, bitch!”
A new onslaught of pressure took force behind my eyes. The words on the chart in front of me blurred into a mess of incoherent scribble as the screaming couple in bay four continued to let the entire department know they were a walking, talking advertisement for divorce.
It was my first shift of the week and the lack of benzos in my system wasn’t doing me any favors.
Sweat laced my brow while my whole body felt like it was on the verge of either bursting into flames or my heart was about to explode out of my ribcage and splatter on the sterile floor.
I told myself that I could get through the withdrawal.
I told myself that I was stronger than the finger tremors and insomnia taking hold of me.
But as the screaming couple hit a new decibel, the little brown bottle in my pocket beckoned me to numb myself back into oblivion.
This was all Adam’s fault. I promised him to stop letting my vices control me, to get help and become the man he believed to be buried beneath all the shit poisoning my body.
If it wasn’t for the reading of his Will in three days, I’d have caved and swallowed a handful of Xanax by now.
But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Not when all I could think about was his unwavering belief in me. He died with that belief, and I refused to keep letting him down. Even if it meant going off everything cold turkey.
“I’m going to do what that car should have done!” the woman in bay four bellowed. “Killing you will give me more pleasure than screwing you ever did!”
Lord, give me strength.
“Do you want me to go and speak to them?” Minnie appeared with a steaming cup of coffee. “My mom always says I’m good at calming people down.”
Nodding my thanks, I took the coffee and inhaled a mouthful despite the searing heat. Whatever it took to get my headache to back the fuck off. “Not sure anyone can calm those two down.”
“My twin brothers argue like that all the time. You should see our house at Thanksgiving,” she laughed. “It’s usually on me to talk them down, and it always works. It’s a running joke in the family that I could tame a raging bull if given the chance.”
“Minnie, under no circumstances are you to go into bay four, unless you want them to eat you alive.” I pinched the bridge of my nose to ease the swelling pressure.
“Sir, are you okay? You don’t look so good.”
“I’m fine.” The lie rolled off my tongue. “Can you do me a favor and call security?”
“Sure thing, Dr. Dade.”
“Tell them to remove the delightful woman in bay four and keep her the hell out of my emergency room, or we’ll ring the police.”
“Of course, right away.” Off she skipped, smiling, to the nurse’s station.
I swore each shift I worked with her, the perkier and cheerier she became. It’s as if she were immune to negativity. That in itself was a fucking medical marvel.
Draining the remains of my coffee, begging for the caffeine to curb the cravings wriggling through my system like a parasite, praying to whatever higher power would listen to stop my skin itching for five goddamn seconds, I headed for the front door.
I needed air.
I needed a glass of water.
I needed something—anything to ease the layer of raw discomfort that was now my second skin.
Blinking against the brightness, sunshine enveloped me. Gentle springtime heat caressed my cheeks and the most heavenly of breezes fought against the thin layer of sweat soaking my forehead.
They always said the first two weeks of withdrawal were the hardest.
Two weeks.
I’d barely reached one, and at this point, I wasn’t sure I was going to survive.
“Merde, you look like shit.”
Whipping my head to the side, I regretted the motion instantly. Nausea crashed through me. Swallowing back the acidic taste of coffee and bile, I forced myself to focus on autumn hooded eyes.
“You know, Jaxon, I get you aren’t always the best when it comes to conversation.” I straightened my spine. “But usually people say ‘hello’ as a greeting before they start hurling insults at each other.”
“Hello, Elliott. You look like shit.” My brother’s lips curled at the corner. “Is that better?”
“It’s an improvement.” I rolled my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“Had an appointment.”
“What kind of appointment?”
Jaxon remained silent, opting instead to pick a strand of what looked like cat hair from his monochrome suit’s sleeve.
Foolish of me to expect him to elaborate beyond three words. My older brother’s vocabulary mainly consisted of grunts and growls, with the odd single-syllable word thrown in now and again for good measure.
He’d been that way since our mother died.
Where I became comfortable in my own company, Jaxon became the second pillar to Frederic’s unhealthy foundation and learned that silence was indeed a virtue, especially around our eldest brother.
Growing up, I used to envy how close Jaxon and Frederic were. Though by the time I reached puberty, I realized that the two of them were nothing more than business partners thirsting after revenge.
They created Dade Diamonds together, using it not only to become billionaires but to seek out Lexington Reynolds, the man they believed to be responsible for our mother killing herself.
That was until Jaxon quit two years ago after marrying and falling in love with none other than Reynold’s daughter.
I knew for a fact that when Jaxon married Evelyn Reynolds, it was nothing more than a ploy, a plan set in place by Frederic. However, I’m glad he did it, because it turned out to be the best thing that happened to him.
Evelyn healed the parts of Jaxon that he would have happily let infect and kill him.
He was still my broody, barely vocal big brother, but when it came to his wife, there wasn’t anything in this world that Jaxon wouldn’t do to make her happy.
She gave him a purpose that didn’t seek to destroy him.
“Is everything okay?” I dared to ask after several beats of continued silence.
“Oui.”
“You sure? Because you know whatever it is, I can help.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“For once in your life, try not being so goddamn stubborn. I know we’re family and I can’t treat you personally, but I’ll make sure you are seen by the best.”
“The appointment wasn’t for me.” It was impossible to miss the tightness in his jaw, the lines of concern etched around his eyes, and the way his attention continued to jump between me and the front doors of the hospital as if he was waiting for someone.
Like I said, my brother was normally an emotionless statue. There was only one person on this planet who was able to chip away at his marble and make him a bit more human.
“Is Evelyn okay?”
“She’s fine,” he replied tightly. “She will be fine.”
Adjusting the collar of my lab coat, I cleared my throat. “Well, whatever the two of you need, I am here. I’ll pull whatever strings it takes to help.”
“We’re fine.”
Seriously, it would’ve been easier getting a conversation out of a brick wall.
“Right, glad we cleared that up,” I sighed, shaking my head. “If you excuse me, big brother, I have to get back to work.”
Back to fighting the urge not to vomit or pass out more like.
Before I got the chance to retreat back to work, Jaxon moved in unison with me. His steps fell in line with mine and before I could question what he was doing, he placed himself between me and the building.
“Why did you leave Ontario?”
Blinking slowly, I tried to step around him, only for him to copy my exact move and block me once again.
“Answer the question, Elliott.”
Ignoring him, I once again attempted to step around him.
Instantly blocked.
Fuck me.
“Move, Jaxon,” I snapped. “I have to get back to work.”
“Not until you tell me why you seemingly fled from your life without explanation.”
“I didn’t realize that I needed to explain myself to anyone, especially you. Last time I checked, I’m a big boy who can make his own decisions in life.”
I stepped twice to the left. Blocked.
Right step, then left.
Fucking blocked again.
If I hadn’t been in my scrubs, I might have let the urge to punch him take over me. I didn’t give a shit that Jaxon was two inches taller than me. But alas, I couldn’t give Dr. Lorenzo the perfect excuse to fire me on a silver platter.
“Stop avoiding the question.”
“Stop walking in front of me.”
“Not until you talk.” Jaxon crossed his arms. “And while we are at it, why didn’t you come to Disneyland for Penny’s birthday? Frederic bought you a plane ticket, sent you all the details, and you never showed.”
“Something came up that I couldn’t avoid.”
My own fucking shame and guilt.
“Something more important than your own niece?”
I swallowed hard. “Yes.”
“You broke that child’s heart by not showing up.”
“Stop talking.”
Please stop.
“Just like you broke it when you ran away without saying goodbye to her. She went to school that morning and came home to find you gone. A pretty jackass move, don’t you think?”
Vomit surged to the back of my throat.
“You know what? I think I like you better when you don’t talk.” I attempted to stay calm. “Now, can we quit playing games? I have patients who need me.”
He sighed, “Elliott, parle-moi.”
“Why the hell do you even care? Last time I checked, I’ve been here in New York for seven months, Jaxon. Seven whole months, and only now you’ve decided to show an interest in my life.”
“I thought you’d come to your senses by now and go back to Ontario. I was giving you space.”
“Or more like someone has forced you to come and speak to me, huh? It doesn’t take a genius to know that either Frederic or Grand-mère put you up to this.”
His nostrils flared.
“That’s what I thought,” I scoffed. “Look, I left Ontario because my old mentor offered me a job. An opportunity too good to turn down, but I had to move right away or risk losing it.” The half-lie-half-truth mixed with bile burned the back of my throat.
“And what? You couldn’t have waited a couple days to say goodbye to Penny properly or explain to Frederic why you were leaving?”
“I did what was best for me.” I dug my fingernails into my palms to stop my hands from shaking.
“All I did was work in Ontario. I didn’t have friends or time to meet anyone.
Fuck me, I was living in Frederic’s spare room half of the time and a hospital on-call room the other half.
There was no life for me in Ontario, not like I have here. ”
It wasn’t a lie. Simply a twisted version of the truth.
I had no life in Ontario because I pissed it all away on alcohol, drugs, and casinos.
The muscle along Jaxon’s jaw bounced. “You’re happy here?”
“Yes,” I exhaled heavily. “Work is great. My promotion should be any day now.” It was scary how easily I lied to him. “The hospital here is very focused on a work-life balance; they don’t force me to work unseemly hours. They want their doctors to do more with their time than just work.”
My brother hummed unconvinced.
“Hell, I even have a girlfriend.”
There was no reason for me to tell Jaxon about Livi. Involving my family was never part of the deal, but I couldn’t stand the way my brother looked at me with pity-infused concern.
I couldn’t risk him pushing further, digging too deeply into what was really going on.
“You have a girlfriend,” Jaxon repeated as his brows lifted.
“Try not to look too surprised by the news.”
“Bit difficult since from what I recall, you all but swore off the concept of love after your relationship with Cassandra crashed and burned nine years ago.”
Wasn’t that the truth?
Cassandra had left her mark, but I couldn’t blame her for leaving. She saw the real me, the one who couldn’t depend on anyone, the one who needed his vices to survive on a daily basis, and she ran.
She explicitly told me she couldn’t handle my burdens.
It was too much for her to handle—I was too much for her to handle.
Looking back on it now, if we’d found a way to stay together, it would have destroyed her trying to find a way to love me.
“People change.” I shrugged. “Living and working here showed me what I was missing in my life back in Ontario.”
“Must be one hell of a woman to make you change your mind,” he said bluntly. “Do I know her?”
“Funny enough, yes. She planned both your wedding parties.”
Jaxon’s body stilled, his eyes widening for half a second before he plastered on his usual mask of indifference. “Are you telling me that you’re dating Olivia Garcia?”
“The one and only.”
Opening his mouth to speak again, Jaxon firmly closed it. His lips rolled together as he surveyed my face slowly. It amazed me that, although there were only four years between us, Jaxon seemed much older.
As if life had forced him to mature beyond his years.
“Has she mentioned…” Jaxon’s words vanished into nothing as a pair of freckled pale arms wrapped themselves around his waist. “Ma douceur.”
Watching my brother’s entire being shift the second his wife touched him was like catching a glimpse of a falling star.
His body released all tightness as he turned and bundled Evelyn into his arms like precious cargo. Burying his nose into the thick locks of her vibrant red hair, a spike of envy tried to pierce through my sternum.
Watching them, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to be loved without condition. To feel that safe, that secure with another person.
To have someone who didn’t run away the second you dared to show them the real you.
“Elliott, it’s so good to see you! It’s been far too long.” Evelyn’s lips curved into a genuine smile, despite the blotches on her cheeks and the pink rims around her eyes from earlier tears. “I keep telling Jaxon to invite you over to dinner now that you’re living in the city.”
“Sure, that’d be nice.” I offered her a smile. “Sorry, but I have to get back to work. It’s good to see you, Evie. Remember what I said, Jaxon, if either of you need anything, let me know.”
Not giving either of them time to say anything, I retreated into the hospital and reminded myself exactly why I was there.
I didn’t have to explain myself to Jaxon—to anyone, for that matter.
I was here to get the job that was promised to me and to claw my way out of the lies I’d buried myself in before they suffocated me.
Then, and only then, would I allow myself some peace.