Thirty-six #2
The good times we shared, the years of love and intimacy that existed between us, I don’t miss them. I miss being someone who isn’t scarred by betrayal. I miss being the person who could give in to love without fearing it could end any minute and I’d be left alone again, unable to stand on my own.
Elle gurgles, taking no more from the bottle. I put her on my shoulder, giving me the perfect way to hide my emotions from David.
“I’m really sorry, Bri. I hope you can forgive me enough to be friends again one day.”
“You know I’m not great at that.”
“Forgiveness? Or pretending to be friends with someone?”
“Yes.”
He lets out a low laugh. “Can we keep it copacetic for Christmas, at least? Try for amiable next year and friendly a year or two after that?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself. On the exhale, I feel part of my anger leave my chest. David can be nothing to me if I let him, and the resentment, go.
“We can be amiable this year. For Elle’s sake.”
His lips stretch into a grin. “Thanks, babe.”
“If you call me that one more time I will slap you with a dirty diaper.”
His laugh booms, the sound releasing tension from the room. “Okay, I’m sorry. Thank you, Bri.”
I allow the smile that comes.
“Everything good in here?” Keisha appears behind us.
“I was just leaving,” David says, giving me one last look before exiting the room.
“You okay?” she asks me.
I nod. “We’re okay,” I say, and I mean it.
~
The rest of Christmas was uneventful, the way I wanted it to be.
Against my insistence on no gifts, I received a much-needed sweater, a print of the Womanhood painting I’d requested for the apartment I still don’t have, and a designer necklace I’ll pretend Junie got for free when she bought one for herself.
Junie sits on the couch with Elle, watching her with a twinkle in her eye. I know what that look means.
I love Elle. She’s basically the cutest baby to ever exist, but when I get to hand her back, I’m quite happy about that. When Junie hands her back to Keisha, she pauses, as if hoping there will be a time when she doesn’t have to hand a baby to someone else.
“Junie. What’s going on there?” I ask. “You’re looking like you want one of those for yourself.”
“A baby? Hell no.” She laughs, though tears well in her eyes.
“I don’t know what happened to me. It’s like the minute I got the promotion and figured out how to go public with Sean, I want more.
With him. Do I want to get married and have a big, fancy wedding?
Do I want to be someone’s little wife and shit? ”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
She looks at me, a happy tear slipping from her eye. “Maybe?”
My ultra-independent friend has changed her mind. Unexpected from her, but I suppose that’s how love works. You find your person and your world doubles, everything looks brand new, and plans change.
“I’m happy for you,” I say.
“Are you really?”
Am I happy to watch all my loved ones leave me behind in one way or another?
I’m sitting on a couch, visiting my successful friends, the same way I’ve done for years, watching life passing by rather than living it.
No matter what they want to do, where life takes them, I will always be happy if they are.
“I am.”
She hugs me tight.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. Thinking it might be a call from Liem, I pull it out quickly. Instead, the number that graces my screen is from San Francisco.
“Be right back.” I step away into the hall, my heart in my throat when I answer. “Hi, this is Bri.”
“Hi, Bri. This is Lisa from STUDIO. Sorry to get back to you so late. A Christmas installation pulled half of our team away. You know how the holidays can be.” Yes, full of anxiety while waiting for your call. “Anyway, I’m calling because we’d like to offer you the job!”
The earth stops turning for a moment. I’m in my own world, wondering if what I’m hearing is real or if I’ve finally cracked. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. If you’re still interested, of course. We’ll be out of the office until after the New Year but wanted to send you the offer so you could start with us in January.”
I’m going to fucking cry. “I can’t believe this. Yes, I’m still interested.”
“Great. We can’t wait to have you, truly. I’ll send the paperwork to your email shortly. If you can let us know as soon as possible, that would be perfect.”
Like I’m not about to send that shit right over? “Absolutely.”
“We’re looking forward to having you on the team. Talk to you soon.”
I end the call and stare at my phone, watching the number fade to my picture of Liem in the park, then his picture fade to black. Did that just happen? Am I moving to San Francisco? Is my dream coming true?
As I walk back into the room, neither Keisha nor Junie notices me at first. “Hey, guys?”
Keisha doesn’t look at me when she says, “What’s up, babe?”
I’m going to need them to pay attention. “I think I just got my dream job.”
Now they look my way. “What?”
My phone pings when the email comes through. “Will you look at this and tell me if it’s real?”
Junie looks over Keisha’s shoulder as she scrolls through the document. “Yeah, girl. This is real.” She hands my phone back to me. “You might want to look at the offer page.”
My hands shake when I take my phone back to look. It’s everything they bragged about in the interview: salary, unlimited PTO, suggested working hours, implying a flexible schedule and remote work. But they never mentioned the bottom line. Compensation.
The nearly six-figure salary stares back at me. I can’t decide whether to scream or burst into tears. So, I do both.